Please help me not go back to cheating ex

Anon12344 · 2025-01-27T20:17:42+00:00

First time posting. Have seen so much support on here and could really do with some to help me get through this. Background is I’ve been with DF for 6 years and have DS4 and DS2 together. Caught him cheating early on before children, then once again in 2023. Forgave him and found out today he met someone on a night out a few weeks ago, got her number and messaged her for the next few days flirting. He sent these messages while in the house with me and the kids and whilst sober. He said it doesn’t mean anything, he was stupid and loves me. I’ve told him it’s over but I know I’m going to struggle to not take him back. I really want to stay strong and be a good example to my kids. Any support is very welcome. thank you.

VotingForYourself · 27/01/2025 20:19

Why would struggle. Your kids need you to set a strong example

SeaDragon17 · 27/01/2025 20:19

If you take him back you have a lifetime of this and you will be teaching your kids that’s it’s ok too, and potentially giving them a warped view of relationships to carry into their own. Don’t do it. Your kids deserve better than seeing a mum who gets walked over.

Original poster

Anon12344 · 27/01/2025 20:21

VotingForYourself · 27/01/2025 20:19

Why would struggle. Your kids need you to set a strong example

I would struggle because every time it’s happened I let him talk his way back in. Maybe because I’ve got little self-worth and the kids love him. But I know deep down it’s wrong.

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emilysgoldskirt · 27/01/2025 20:23

Also OP taking him back makes you very vulnerable. If he’s looking around that much, one day he will leave you. Future-proof yourself.

Original poster

Anon12344 · 27/01/2025 20:23

SeaDragon17 · 27/01/2025 20:19

If you take him back you have a lifetime of this and you will be teaching your kids that’s it’s ok too, and potentially giving them a warped view of relationships to carry into their own. Don’t do it. Your kids deserve better than seeing a mum who gets walked over.

This is what I worry about! I would be mortified if my boys treated their future partners like this. I know what’s right but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I’m more determined this time which is why I want to talk about it as I tend to bury it

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Original poster

Anon12344 · 27/01/2025 20:26

emilysgoldskirt · 27/01/2025 20:23

Also OP taking him back makes you very vulnerable. If he’s looking around that much, one day he will leave you. Future-proof yourself.

You’re right but he convinces me I’m all he wants and it all means nothing, he proposed last year and we’re in the process of buying a new house together. This is why I need voices of reason as he convinces me it’s a silly mistake he would never go through with anything and it’s me he wants. I feel pathetic even typing this but it helps to get outside perspectives.

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Nantescalling · 27/01/2025 20:32

You only have 2 choices that I can see. Either walk away or get married, buy the house and put up with it. Some men just can't manage without the thrill of someone on the side. Lots of wives put up with it even if they don't like it. Some even find it fun.

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 20:34

I’m not going to convince you. I find it often falls on deaf ears on here.

Elasticatedtrousers · 27/01/2025 20:36

Serial cheat?? Of course you need to move on!

He will always be unsafe for you.

But the choice is yours.

I'm sorry you're going through this, with such young children, you'd have thought this faithless man would have been able to reel his need for validation and ego kibbles in!

Onetimeonly2024 · 27/01/2025 20:39

A “silly mistake” is putting a red sock in with the white wash. Attempting to shag other women multiple times in a choice. And a shit one at that. If it’s “no big deal” and it
“meant nothing” he could easily have stopped after the first time couldn’t he? But he didn’t.
I am actually a believer in 2nd chances but you gave him a 2nd chance and a 3rd and here you are. You and your children deserve far better than this man op. Hold your line and keep him gone and get some therapy to support you through this. You can do this op, you really can.

Original poster

Anon12344 · 27/01/2025 20:41

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 20:34

I’m not going to convince you. I find it often falls on deaf ears on here.

Be great if you could refrain from commenting something so unhelpful to someone who’s probably at their lowest point in their lives, thanks

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Original poster

Anon12344 · 27/01/2025 20:42

Nantescalling · 27/01/2025 20:32

You only have 2 choices that I can see. Either walk away or get married, buy the house and put up with it. Some men just can't manage without the thrill of someone on the side. Lots of wives put up with it even if they don't like it. Some even find it fun.

Edited

Tbh I think I have been putting up with it so far as I’ve known deep down I couldn’t trust him. I’m not doing it anymore. Luckily the current house is solely in my name and we complete next week so I have enough to buy my own house with the kids.

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kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 20:43

Everytime you consider taking him back you need to visualise him with another woman whilst he's with you that's disgusting and should be enough to keep it you off

Arlanymor · 27/01/2025 20:44

Three times in six years? That’s appalling and surely enough is enough now? It’s unfortunate about the house, but I wouldn’t marry him and I wouldn’t be looking to stay with him long term either. Is it too late to pull out of the purchase?

I’m sorry this is happening to you, but please don’t let him wheedle his way back in yet again - he’s a compulsive cheat. Not a good relationship to model for your kids either. Be strong, have a read of some of the other threads on here where people have been betrayed and how they have moved on from their old relationship.

Original poster

Anon12344 · 27/01/2025 20:44

Onetimeonly2024 · 27/01/2025 20:39

A “silly mistake” is putting a red sock in with the white wash. Attempting to shag other women multiple times in a choice. And a shit one at that. If it’s “no big deal” and it
“meant nothing” he could easily have stopped after the first time couldn’t he? But he didn’t.
I am actually a believer in 2nd chances but you gave him a 2nd chance and a 3rd and here you are. You and your children deserve far better than this man op. Hold your line and keep him gone and get some therapy to support you through this. You can do this op, you really can.

Thank you this is what I really need to hear. My work offers free therapy so I’ll contact them in the morning to see about getting some sessions. I know I need to go through with it this time.

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Original poster

Anon12344 · 27/01/2025 20:46

Arlanymor · 27/01/2025 20:44

Three times in six years? That’s appalling and surely enough is enough now? It’s unfortunate about the house, but I wouldn’t marry him and I wouldn’t be looking to stay with him long term either. Is it too late to pull out of the purchase?

I’m sorry this is happening to you, but please don’t let him wheedle his way back in yet again - he’s a compulsive cheat. Not a good relationship to model for your kids either. Be strong, have a read of some of the other threads on here where people have been betrayed and how they have moved on from their old relationship.

No it’s not too late we haven’t exchanged yet but were expecting to do so this week. I’ve told him it’s not happening and I’ll give him some money from the sale to get his own house as he’s paid into mine for the past 5 years. Thanks for the support

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Collette78 · 27/01/2025 20:46

I think you need to weigh this up, you’ve already given him multiple chances … how many more does he expect and how much more do you want to put yourself through?

This isn’t a one off thing or mistake he’s done his upmost to fix… this is repeated betrayals.

Love him or not, what he is doing isn’t love, or loyalty or respectful to you.

Is the pain of separating from him better or worse than the pain of continuing on with someone doing that?

Only you can make this choice, it’s what feels right for you and when you know you’ve given it as much as you are willing to.

If you do decide to separate then you are going to feel awful for a while… it goes with the territory … but you will come out of the other end honestly xx

savethatkitty · 27/01/2025 20:51

You have 2 choices. You accept he is a lying cheat & adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy. Kind of like turning a blind eye, while enjoying the "benefits" of married life. Or, leave.

FWIW, my DH cheated. I stayed. "Forgave". I can't say I trust him, but I sure as hell don't ask questions. I don't dig when something seems "off". I'm here to keep the family unit intact & benefit from what I get out of this situation. If he has stepped out again, which I suspect is likely, my head is in the sand. And I'm at peace with that.

feelingfree17 · 27/01/2025 20:56

You may feel it’s the easier option to bury your head short term, but long term it will seriously bite you on the bum. You have taken him back twice, so you have told him what you think your worth is. He will continue to do it.
Get him gone. You don’t want to waste any more years wondering what he is up to only to go through a break up in the future.

Morry15 · 27/01/2025 20:59

Read Leave A Cheater..Gain a Life.

It's a book and a blog.

It sucks now but when you leave, your new life begins. The mountain in front of you seems scary now but you can do it!

MyNewLife2025 · 27/01/2025 21:22

@Anon12344 please before giving him any money, get some advice from a lawyer!
And yes don’t go ahead with the sale. It’s only going to get worse to get him out once he is on deeds etc….

Original poster

Anon12344 · 27/01/2025 21:34

MyNewLife2025 · 27/01/2025 21:22

@Anon12344 please before giving him any money, get some advice from a lawyer!
And yes don’t go ahead with the sale. It’s only going to get worse to get him out once he is on deeds etc….

I feel it’s only right to give him money as realistically he has nowhere to go and he has paid half the mortgage for 5 years and paid for a new bathroom and kitchen, plus the profit from the house is enough for two deposits on smaller houses. Saves the grief. It’s easier to walk away now than have to sell and uproot the kids in a few years time when it happens again.

I just hate the thought of giving up the kids for a weekend and losing time with them. I don’t want to split birthdays or christmases and I read awful stories on here about people having trouble with their ex when it comes to sharing the kids. It feels like a choice between staying and knowing he’s unfaithful or losing time with my children and either way seems impossible.

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2catsandhappy · 28/01/2025 08:12

You mention your concern about sharing your dc. Does he take them out on his own? Organize gifts or 'see' outgrown shoes and make meals without prompting?
I will be blunt. I read your posts as you were his back up plan while he goes out and keeps a foot in 'single man' camp.

Was he out every weekend living the single man life before you met him? If so, he may want to do that again.
Or, maybe he has a good bond and will be the hands on, quality time dad that your dc deserve. He will want to provide a home, clothes, toys and cms.
He is a crap partner but how does he rate as a dad?

Original poster

Anon12344 · 28/01/2025 08:46

2catsandhappy · 28/01/2025 08:12

You mention your concern about sharing your dc. Does he take them out on his own? Organize gifts or 'see' outgrown shoes and make meals without prompting?
I will be blunt. I read your posts as you were his back up plan while he goes out and keeps a foot in 'single man' camp.

Was he out every weekend living the single man life before you met him? If so, he may want to do that again.
Or, maybe he has a good bond and will be the hands on, quality time dad that your dc deserve. He will want to provide a home, clothes, toys and cms.
He is a crap partner but how does he rate as a dad?

He does take them out and tries to be the fun day, buys them clothes but toys and everything else is me. He does go to the pub a lot, or will drink at home and watch football. He basically wants a nice family life when it suits him and to be free to go out and do what he wants.

He will definitely want to see them but I don’t know whether they will take priority over the pub.

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Weyohweyoh · 28/01/2025 09:00

He is a selfish liar who will make you miserable for the rest of your life if you stay with him. You may have stretches where everything seems rosy, but the constant doubt and wondering will eat away at you until you don’t recognise yourself anymore. Then he will do it again. And again. Men like this do not change. Keep repeating this to yourself while he’s bullshitting you.