Please help me not go back to cheating ex

[Anon12344]

First time posting. Have seen so much support on here and could really do with some to help me get through this.

Background is I’ve been with DF for 6 years and have DS4 and DS2 together. Caught him cheating early on before children, then once again in 2023. Forgave him and found out today he met someone on a night out a few weeks ago, got her number and messaged her for the next few days flirting. He sent these messages while in the house with me and the kids and whilst sober.

He said it doesn’t mean anything, he was stupid and loves me. I’ve told him it’s over but I know I’m going to struggle to not take him back. I really want to stay strong and be a good example to my kids. Any support is very welcome.

thank you.

Saying it doesn’t mean anything is even more offensive imo - like it means nothing to you but because he lacks self control he’s going to it anyway. It will likely never change either, because he’s probably convinced himself it’s all harmless and he feels secure in you always forgiving him.

That is so heart warming. Partners like this deserve whatever they get !

This is exactly how I feel. He’s saying it was nothing, didn’t mean anything, he was stupid, it was never going to go anywhere, he stopped it, he only wants me etc. It does feel like he’s minimising what he’s done and making out it’s no big deal as there wasn’t anything physical. He’s massively love bombing atm so seeing the comments on here is really helping me see the truth

Yes, and he will probably really amp all that up now, you’re seeing through the bullshit. Also whether anything physical has happened or not it clearly crosses the line. Stay strong know your worth and keep reaching out for support where necessary.

I know someone like you who had a lifetime of a cheating husband. She was aware but closed her eyes to it. He eventually left her when they were in their 60s.

Quite apart from the complete lack of respect for you, he is proving time and again to be an appalling role model for your two sons. If you stay with him, the message they’ll get is that they can treat women however they like and expect to be welcomed back with open arms. He won’t stop cheating, you know he won’t, how much lower are you prepared to let your self-esteem sink while he does whatever he likes? Will you wait until your boys are teens? Adults? By which time, you’ll have spent 20 years of your life putting up with sh*t from your husband. Find a close friend to confide in and give them permission to tell you bluntly (and keep on telling you) to let this waste of space go.

From experience - he may need some therapy to address his low self esteem and attention seeking ways. There’ll be a reason for his behaviour and mindset (Not trying to let him off the hook!)

But you can heal together if that’s what you both want and he becomes fully transparent. And takes accountability and makes positive changes.

But also, if you don’t see a future tell him to jog on ☺️ it’s your life OP!

This is it he’s got low self esteem as he was bullied as a child but is a swan and now very good looking, always gets attention. Women have approached him when I’m stood right next to him, or approach me to tell me how gorgeous he is! He said he does it for attention, like I don’t give him any! I can’t see him changing at this point, it’s just a part of who he is.

I stayed in a relationship, for different reasons, and wish I had left earlier.
Do your future self a favour and end this now. It'll end anyway but do it now on your terms, rather than when he has a OW in situ and leaves you. You'd be more vulnerable then.
You can do it OP.

Do you have someone in real life to help you make a plan?

Leave before you get the house and wedding UNLESS you're better financially protected if you have both of these. This might be the case if he has more money or you're a sahm. Be strategic and put yourself first talk to a lawyer.

Just seen your updates - definitely don't exchange on the new house then if you can't afford to do it all alone in your name only.

Don't stay with him him just because of Xmas. It's only one day a year and you can work out all sorts of things and even spend that 'as a family' if you like (some coparents do)

I would give him the money he spent on the bathrooms but not the rent he's paid to you as he'd have to pay that anywhere

Don’t offer him any money before taking legal advice!

shore up your self worth and seek RL help to escape this nasty cheater.

There are probably other cheating instances that you don’t know about.

if you choose to stay the odds are high he’ll continue to cheat and later to leave you and the DC at a time and in a way of his choosing. You’d be unwise to choose that for yourself and DC.

of course your DC love him, but his treatment of them hasn’t been loving. If he chooses he can still be a good father and co parent after your separation.

If you decide to find your self respect and belief in you.....and leave him for good....
you will look back on today - 28 Jan 2025 - as the day your new fresh clean unencumbered life started

Imo you'll leave him one day, after many more of his dalliances

Best to get out now before the new house / wedding mess starts

All trust is gone in this partnership,go ahead and buy a new place for yourself,you have had a lucky escape from a man who will continue his flirting and affairs, it fills his ego balloon, they will carry on like this till old age if they can get away with it.Try to keep a good relationship around the children but time will tell what kind of father he will be when separated.I wish you strength to do what you must for you and your kids future happiness x

I think this is the most important part - it's likely that you'll take him back as you have before but if you don't proceed with the house purchase then when he does it again it will be easier to leave
buying the house with him traps you

Have you exchanged on the sale of your current house?

Just catching up on replies.

I do have people around me IRL that are supporting me to see sense. I find these replies really helpful too being more objective from an outside perspective, so thank you to everyone that has responded.

I’m not financially dependent on him and can afford to run a house solo, albeit in a smaller house than what we’re in the process of buying. I’m using this as motivation at the minute, a calm and peaceful house without all of this stress, and as some people have said without the messiness of divorce and selling a house.

we have exchanged on the current sale, just last week! So have to move out this weekend.

Kitty: I know you're a grown arse woman who has made a decision based on what is best for your family and you have the agency to do what you want in life but reading this post makes me sad.

That's all I wanted to say. Hope life is ok for you.

Don’t exchange on a new property you can’t afford alone. This is your chance.

So you have exchanged contracts on the house you are selling but not on the house you are buying?

If that is correct, pull out of the purchase. Complete the sale on your current house and split.

Is there anyway you can push back the completion on your sale beyond the weekend to give yourself more time?

If not, get a removal company to put your furniture in storage. Stay with family for a few weeks. Or an Air b&b/ Premier Inn. Rent a flat for you and the dc pronto. Then start the house search for a home for you and the dc that you can afford by yourself.

Do not get financially tied to this man.

Just had a thought...if you were going for a joint mortgage, you will have evidence of his recent earnings. Very useful for the CMS claim.

Yes that’s correct, haven’t exchanged on purchase so can still pull out. Storage booked and I’m going to stay with family while I figure out the next steps. Feeling very fortunate to have this option!