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Original poster

Not sure what to think anymore

68 replies

Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 18:02

Sorry in advance but this will probably be a long thread but I don’t want to drip feed.

Been with partner 6 years, not married, both in our 50s and no kids.
Ive known him several years through work. He always made it clear that he liked me and wanted to be with me, even when he was in a relationship. I was in a relationship and always said no. My relationship ended about 8 years ago, and we got together a couple of years later.

Things were great at first, he was loving, affectionate, kept saying he couldn’t believe we were finally together. Everything was perfect.

Slowly but surely things changed. He’d blow hot and cold, and I wouldn’t know why. There was no affection, he didn’t want sex, didn’t tell me he loved me. I’d ask him what was wrong and he’d say nothing. Then as quick as it started it’d be all change and he’d be loving and kind. I just don’t know where I am and feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He flares up at me for what feel like small things, not shutting the bathroom window was the latest thing. Turning the oven on too high last week.

A few weeks ago started getting friendly with a woman from work. They’d text regularly and I don’t know something just felt off. He swore blind he didn’t fancy her and they were just good friends. I know her from work too but she never interacted with me in the same way. He pops round to her house for coffee. I’ve told him I feel uncomfortable with this and he just says I need to get over it she’s a friend and she’s going nowhere. Sometimes he can be reassuring but more often than not he’s not and tells me to ‘stop being a twat about it’.

He can be really moody with me, he says I pick on him and pick up on things he says or does wrong. I wrack my brains and ask him what but he can never answer me or brings up something that happened years ago. He looks at me sometimes like he doesn’t even like me. Then other times tells me how much he loves me, I’m the best thing ever. I honestly don’t know whether I’m coming or going, I just don’t know what to think anymore.

There have been a couple of other women whilst we’ve been together that he’s been texting, again says they are just friends and that I need to get a grip. He’s very charismatic and has a way of making people feel really special, and I guess does come across as being flirty.

He’s had lots of relationships in the past, been married twice, and did have a reputation. He’s always said if he’s not happy he moves on, why stay in a relationship if it’s not a happy one. I held off getting together but he said it would be different with me and that I was the one he’d always wanted.

Not sure why I’m posting really, reading it back it sounds awful, but he makes me feel like it’s me and all my fault. I just wondered what other people thought. I feel like I’m going crazy and feel like I’m losing my confidence.

OP posts:
Moier · 27/01/2025 18:06

You could be talking about my ex.
That's why he's now my ex.
Life's too short to be treading on egg shells.
I'd rather be alone than with the wrong man.
You are worth more honestly.
If a friend wrote this.. what would you tell her?
I bet it would be " leave him".
No kids.. much easier.
Good luck.

thistimelastweek · 27/01/2025 18:07

Sounds like for him the grass is always greener.
He's not a longterm partner. For you, or anyone.

Original poster
Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 18:11

Moier · 27/01/2025 18:06

You could be talking about my ex.
That's why he's now my ex.
Life's too short to be treading on egg shells.
I'd rather be alone than with the wrong man.
You are worth more honestly.
If a friend wrote this.. what would you tell her?
I bet it would be " leave him".
No kids.. much easier.
Good luck.

You probably could be he’s had so many. I feel like a shadow of my self, I just don’t know what to think. He makes me feel like it’s me and I’m the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 18:12

thistimelastweek · 27/01/2025 18:07

Sounds like for him the grass is always greener.
He's not a longterm partner. For you, or anyone.

That is so true about the grass being greener, and just how it feels. I feel like he’s bored with me and is ready to move on. I know I should have some self respect but I feel in tatters.

OP posts:
Thisisthemomentforchange · 27/01/2025 18:13

Sorry OP but him going round to this woman's house would be the final straw for me, even if I'd been able to get past all the messaging of various women.

It's in no way your fault OP. It's all down to him being the type of guy who has to play the field.

MarkingBad · 27/01/2025 18:15

Sounds like this high excitement of being together and then boredom is a feature of his previous relationships too. He's unlikely to settle down, there are people in their 80s ike this.

Some people just prefer drama in their lives. If this is something you can stand and want to risk him switching from close woman friend to close woman friend endlessly, is your call. Whether he is or is not actually cheating, it's probably to create drama to keep you unsettled and create excitement for him.

Original poster
Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 18:15

Thisisthemomentforchange · 27/01/2025 18:13

Sorry OP but him going round to this woman's house would be the final straw for me, even if I'd been able to get past all the messaging of various women.

It's in no way your fault OP. It's all down to him being the type of guy who has to play the field.

Edited

I know, I feel absolutely heartbroken, but he makes it sound so plausible.
there are times when he’s so loving and kind, but I can see that there’s a pattern. He’s nice for a bit, and then it’s all change. I feel like I’m holding my breath waiting to see what happens next.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 18:19

MarkingBad · 27/01/2025 18:15

Sounds like this high excitement of being together and then boredom is a feature of his previous relationships too. He's unlikely to settle down, there are people in their 80s ike this.

Some people just prefer drama in their lives. If this is something you can stand and want to risk him switching from close woman friend to close woman friend endlessly, is your call. Whether he is or is not actually cheating, it's probably to create drama to keep you unsettled and create excitement for him.

Edited

He’s had lots of short term, less than 2 to 3 year relationships. His second marriage lasted 9 months. He’s always been very clear if he’s not happy he moves on. I feel such a fool as I honestly thought I was different. He probably said that to the rest of the women.

I feel like he’s lining his next one up ready for when he tells me it’s over because I’m jealous and paranoid.

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 27/01/2025 18:25

Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 18:19

He’s had lots of short term, less than 2 to 3 year relationships. His second marriage lasted 9 months. He’s always been very clear if he’s not happy he moves on. I feel such a fool as I honestly thought I was different. He probably said that to the rest of the women.

I feel like he’s lining his next one up ready for when he tells me it’s over because I’m jealous and paranoid.

Show quote history

You're not a fool, he probably does feel this is the big one, the love of my life, etc., he fools himself as much as you, that's why he was so convincing.

It's up to you what to do. I'd be wanting to be the one to remove myself from this situation before he does. He will love the drama of it of course and probably try and get you back but he isn't one for LTRs, he may never settle for anyone. That's his problem though, don't make it yours.

Givenchy · 27/01/2025 18:25

It sounds to me like he likes the thrill of the chase. He told you he liked you even when he was in a relationship...

Also, they never change. It sounds like he is lining the next one up and gaslighting you into thinking it's your fault.

Shadesofscarlett · 27/01/2025 18:29

so he wanted to cheat with you, then you got together. But he has already had 2 affairs and now on a third. And you are sitting waiting for him to be nice to you?

Original poster
Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 19:23

MarkingBad · 27/01/2025 18:25

You're not a fool, he probably does feel this is the big one, the love of my life, etc., he fools himself as much as you, that's why he was so convincing.

It's up to you what to do. I'd be wanting to be the one to remove myself from this situation before he does. He will love the drama of it of course and probably try and get you back but he isn't one for LTRs, he may never settle for anyone. That's his problem though, don't make it yours.

Edited
Show quote history

I feel such a fool. People did say to me when we got together to be careful, but I truly believed he was going to be different. I know I need to find the strength to leave. I feel humiliated and that everyone is laughing at me. They’ll all say I told you so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 19:24

Givenchy · 27/01/2025 18:25

It sounds to me like he likes the thrill of the chase. He told you he liked you even when he was in a relationship...

Also, they never change. It sounds like he is lining the next one up and gaslighting you into thinking it's your fault.

I know, people have said that too me and leopards don’t change their spots….

OP posts:
Original poster
Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 19:26

Shadesofscarlett · 27/01/2025 18:29

so he wanted to cheat with you, then you got together. But he has already had 2 affairs and now on a third. And you are sitting waiting for him to be nice to you?

I know I sound like I’m an idiot. But when he’s being nice everything seems so much better and I think it’ll be different with me, I just need to be better, less jealous, remember he loves me. God i sound pathetic.

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 27/01/2025 19:26

So, he loves attention from other women?
Yuk

MarkingBad · 27/01/2025 19:30

Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 19:23

I feel such a fool. People did say to me when we got together to be careful, but I truly believed he was going to be different. I know I need to find the strength to leave. I feel humiliated and that everyone is laughing at me. They’ll all say I told you so.

Show quote history

No one will be laughing at you, they will be glad for you for getting out from all his desperate and sick need for novelty and attention from multiple women.

The only person who never makes a mistake is the person who never tried anything.

Do you have someone you could pack a bag and go and spend the night with?

Remember you can leave a relationship for any reason you like, the good times are never so good as to outweigh the bad times, and you owe no one anything, especially not him.

maclen · 27/01/2025 19:52

You are not a fool. You sound lovely. But you need to now not let someone treat you in this way. Texting other woman's and going round their house for coffee?... Please...

Whoyoutakingto · 27/01/2025 19:58

He’s playing you. Testing out other women and if they are not quite on side bouncing back to you. He obviously likes the chase. Why are you allowing him to make you feel like this,ditch him and move on. Also you’re a grown woman who should not give a s**t what others think. Show me someone who has never made a mistake, you can’t because we all have many times.
You will feel so much better with him out of your life, life is short, find a way back to a happy you.💐

Colddayhotcuppa · 27/01/2025 20:14

MarkingBad · 27/01/2025 19:30

No one will be laughing at you, they will be glad for you for getting out from all his desperate and sick need for novelty and attention from multiple women.

The only person who never makes a mistake is the person who never tried anything.

Do you have someone you could pack a bag and go and spend the night with?

Remember you can leave a relationship for any reason you like, the good times are never so good as to outweigh the bad times, and you owe no one anything, especially not him.

Edited
Show quote history

Agree with this. staying with him will ruin your peace of mind and impact your self esteem. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can begin to heal.

Original poster
Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 20:17

MarkingBad · 27/01/2025 19:30

No one will be laughing at you, they will be glad for you for getting out from all his desperate and sick need for novelty and attention from multiple women.

The only person who never makes a mistake is the person who never tried anything.

Do you have someone you could pack a bag and go and spend the night with?

Remember you can leave a relationship for any reason you like, the good times are never so good as to outweigh the bad times, and you owe no one anything, especially not him.

Edited
Show quote history

I feel like such a failure, I was so sure things would be different. He even proposed to me and said getting married would make me feel more secure. I tried to tell him a wedding ring won’t do that.

i keep a diary, always have done for years, and I read back about the things he’s said and done and can’t believe I’m still here, but when it’s good I think it’s worth hanging onto. I even counted up the other day the good days v the bad days and the bad days definitely outvweighed the good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 20:21

Colddayhotcuppa · 27/01/2025 20:14

Agree with this. staying with him will ruin your peace of mind and impact your self esteem. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can begin to heal.

Show quote history

I’ve got no peace of mind, every time his phone pings my heart stops and I wonder who it is. He’s started to delete all the messages on his phone to ‘save space’. I feel, ashamed admitting this, I’m a grown woman not a teenager but have sneaked a look on his phone. The woman at work has been sending him photos of what she’s done at the weekend with ‘happy Sunday’ I mean that’s not right surely. I think he knows I’ve looked which is why he’s deleting everything.

I know I’m being a fool, but my self esteem is is shattered, I feel a shadow of myself.

OP posts:
Colddayhotcuppa · 27/01/2025 20:28

Do you live together? How can we help you to leave this horrible cheat? Leave with your head held high, YOU haven't done anything wrong. You need to decide the relationship is over and work out a plan for leaving. Don't waste time talking to him, people like him never change.

Nantescalling · 27/01/2025 20:43

Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 20:21

I’ve got no peace of mind, every time his phone pings my heart stops and I wonder who it is. He’s started to delete all the messages on his phone to ‘save space’. I feel, ashamed admitting this, I’m a grown woman not a teenager but have sneaked a look on his phone. The woman at work has been sending him photos of what she’s done at the weekend with ‘happy Sunday’ I mean that’s not right surely. I think he knows I’ve looked which is why he’s deleting everything.

I know I’m being a fool, but my self esteem is is shattered, I feel a shadow of myself.

Show quote history

Depleting your self esteem is what gaslighting is alll about. See if this makes any sense: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-gaslighting-in-relationships

photo of mature couple arguing on sofa

What Is Gaslighting in Relationships?

Gaslighting is manipulating someone to doubt their perceptions or reality, making them feel confused, insecure, or questioning their own sanity.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-gaslighting-in-relationships

Original poster
Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 20:47

@Colddayhotcuppa we live together, but it’s his house. I pay half towards all the bills. When he’s being horrible he says it’s his house, it’ll always be his house and not mine or ours. Then when he’s being nice he says he didn’t mean it, of course it’s our house. I honestly don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I wanted to take some biscuits I’d made into work, we work at the same place, just different departments, and he went mad. He said that I couldn’t take them in and that he was jealous of one of the blokes I worked with and I couldn’t take him biscuits. There’s about 10 of us in the office. It wasn’t just for one person. I was distraught and said I loved him there was no need to be jealous. It was horrible and I didn’t take the biscuits in. When I tired to talk to him a few days later he said he didn’t mean it of course he wasn’t jealous, he just wanted me to know how it felt. I’m not jealous of this woman at work, but their friendship makes me uncomfortable and it feels like it’s bordering on an emotional affair. But he tells me I’m jealous and paranoid.

i know I need to leave, I know I do, and often I feel like I’m swallowing the words to tell him I’m leaving. I just need to get myself stronger, somewhere to live and start again. I feel sick at the thought of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soconfused202 · 27/01/2025 20:51

@Nantescalling that fits him to a tee. I’m menopausal and had awful brain fog and he will say all the time about me forgetting things or not telling him, or changing what I’ve said. I feel so confused sometimes. He always makes it feel like it’s my fault. I know I’m not perfect, but I feel a complete failure.

OP posts: