Not sure what to think anymore

[Soconfused202]

Sorry in advance but this will probably be a long thread but I don’t want to drip feed.

Been with partner 6 years, not married, both in our 50s and no kids.
Ive known him several years through work. He always made it clear that he liked me and wanted to be with me, even when he was in a relationship. I was in a relationship and always said no. My relationship ended about 8 years ago, and we got together a couple of years later.

Things were great at first, he was loving, affectionate, kept saying he couldn’t believe we were finally together. Everything was perfect.

Slowly but surely things changed. He’d blow hot and cold, and I wouldn’t know why. There was no affection, he didn’t want sex, didn’t tell me he loved me. I’d ask him what was wrong and he’d say nothing. Then as quick as it started it’d be all change and he’d be loving and kind. I just don’t know where I am and feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He flares up at me for what feel like small things, not shutting the bathroom window was the latest thing. Turning the oven on too high last week.

A few weeks ago started getting friendly with a woman from work. They’d text regularly and I don’t know something just felt off. He swore blind he didn’t fancy her and they were just good friends. I know her from work too but she never interacted with me in the same way. He pops round to her house for coffee. I’ve told him I feel uncomfortable with this and he just says I need to get over it she’s a friend and she’s going nowhere. Sometimes he can be reassuring but more often than not he’s not and tells me to ‘stop being a twat about it’.

He can be really moody with me, he says I pick on him and pick up on things he says or does wrong. I wrack my brains and ask him what but he can never answer me or brings up something that happened years ago. He looks at me sometimes like he doesn’t even like me. Then other times tells me how much he loves me, I’m the best thing ever. I honestly don’t know whether I’m coming or going, I just don’t know what to think anymore.

There have been a couple of other women whilst we’ve been together that he’s been texting, again says they are just friends and that I need to get a grip. He’s very charismatic and has a way of making people feel really special, and I guess does come across as being flirty.

He’s had lots of relationships in the past, been married twice, and did have a reputation. He’s always said if he’s not happy he moves on, why stay in a relationship if it’s not a happy one. I held off getting together but he said it would be different with me and that I was the one he’d always wanted.

Not sure why I’m posting really, reading it back it sounds awful, but he makes me feel like it’s me and all my fault. I just wondered what other people thought. I feel like I’m going crazy and feel like I’m losing my confidence.

You are not a failure, he set you up to fail, that is two different things, it was never going to be any other way. This is his problem to own, not yours. He is the one who can't/won't commit to anyone, not you, he is the one dangling other women in your face hoping for a reaction, not you, and he is the one making sure your life is unsettled as possible, threatening your shelter and then saying he doesn't mean it and then going through all that again. He has manipulated you into thinking you are the one with the issue. You are not, he is.

He is the one with the silly teenage needs for attention, not you. You were strong enough and wise enough to know marriage wasn't going to change anything.

I'm not normally one to advocate LTB. I don't think it's always so simple for people to just walk out of a relationship, but you are lost in your own posts, they are all about him. You are in there as a foil to the lead character, the drama queen of a partner you have, you need help because he has crushed you in all his neediness.

You have nothing to hang onto, he;s just messing with your head because it's all just words, he never changes, just does enough to convince you he's worth the effort because he knows fll well that he isn't, he's just a little drama queen. Some people are really good at that.

Do you have anyone you can stay with?

Also contact Womens Aid for help they can offer advice on next steps so it's not overwhelming for you.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

Thank you @MarkingBad for such a kind and thoughtful post. You have really hit the nail on the head, I do feel lost, and it definitely feels like he is messing with my head. I feel like I don’t whether I’m coming or going, I feel sick, anxious and unsettled. I have never felt this way before, I feel like I don’t recognise myself.

Ive not really told any of my friends about it, to the outside world, he’s kind, charismatic, will do anything for anyone, so plausible I don’t think anyone would believe how he is with me at home. He’s so well liked by everyone. That’s why I feel a fool, so taken in by him. How could I be so stupid.

Im close to my sister and I think she’s got a gut instinct I’m not happy. I will talk to her and I could stay with her and her partner until I get things sorted out.

Ive not been sleeping which doesn’t help, so I’ll go back to bed and try and get some sleep. Thank you again 🥰

This is classic narcissist behaviour. He will (maybe subconsciously) know how far he can push you and then how much ‘repair’ he needs to do to keep you.
the fact he was telling you he wanted you those years ago when he was already in a relationship tells you all you need to know, he’s got form and will be looking for other options now.
he will be eroding your confidence to make you so vulnerable you don’t have the confidence to leave.
and the gaslighting!!! Telling you you’re this that and the other with no facts.
please please OP get out of there, the damage to your mental health will only depend the longer you stay xx

DO NOT tell him you’re leaving, you need to just do it as I guarantee if you tell him he will make you feel like a fool and convince you somehow he’s not the problem and you should stay. Just go and get some head space xx

Yes, leave on your own terms, with no hints nor warnings.
Set up a new home and finalise bills and book the man with a van to move you out pronto.

@Soconfused202 He's a player.

No one will judge you- but he showed you who he was when he had a partner when getting together with you.

Leave and don't look back.

He won't change.

@Flipslop it feels very much like he pushes me away then reels me back in. When he's lovely he's really nice, kind and I feel oh I don't know buoyed up by the feelings thst he loves me. But I know it won't last long before he's back being cold, distant and unkind.

@oakleaffy it's funny because he pursued me a lot, even when I was single I wouldn't go out with him. But he told me how I was the one for him, he didn't want anyone else it had always been me, and I guess the charm offensive just wore me down and I believed it would be different with me.

Thanks for all your support and advice. I know deep down the right thing is to leave. I feel so humiliated. I feel like everyone is laughing at me and I look a fool, especially at work. Its the worst feeling in the world.

I'm meeting up with my sister at the weekend and will tell her how I'm feeling and take it from there.

I need to gather my strength and stay strong.

Of course he will use every little thing to make you sound inadequate. It sounds as if he has suceeded already except that you are reaching out on here which means you are looking for solutions. You might find insight here : https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2022/09/24/a-psychologist-offers-3-strategies-to-stop-a-gaslighter-in-their-tracks/

Get yourself onto Rightmove and look for houses to rent. Set up some viewings at the weekend so that your sister can come with you. If you like one, pay a deposit.
Have you got separate finances? If not, set up a bank account and redirect next month's salary to it.
Gather all your important documents together. Passport, birth cert, pensions details etc. Put them in a show box and give them to your sister.
To quote the great Pete "Maverick" Mitchell, "don't think, just do". You KNOW this isn't good for you, you KNOW you need to leave so just get on and do it. You can deal with emotions etc once you're safe in your own place.
Some counselling would be valuable but deal with the practicalities first.
If you're M4 corridor give me a shout, I'll help you move. Good luck 👍

@Soconfused202

I really feel for you and your situation.

PP have given some excellent advice on moving out, if you need to move quickly for any reason, this might be a good place to look for temp accommodation

https://www.spareroom.co.uk/

He may well go into overdrive on lovebombing or being nasty and doing you down if he realises you are leaving, but it is all just manipulation as people like this absolutely hate anyone else preempting them. If it's not his decision he will work hard to keep you until he decides to get you out on his terms.

If you wobble at any point there is plenty of support an advice on MN when you need it.

@Soconfused202 I agree with this, treat this as a work project. If your work project was to move out of dp home asap, you would park all emotion and go into practical mode. Set yourself a deadline and break the task into smaller steps.

No one will laugh at you. People will know you're a brave and intelligent woman for leaving a disrespectful partner. And if he asks, say 'I'm not happy so I'm moving on'. He should understand, after all, this is always his reason for leaving relationships!

Don't wait to "gather your strength". Every hour with him he's chipping away at that strength - you will never be stronger than you are right now if you stay with him.

No one will laugh or think badly of you - they'll admire you for doing what is right for you!

Best of luck x

Thank you for the link @Nantescalling I’ve been looking into gaslighting and narcissistic abuse and I can’t believe how much this is him…the love bombing at the beginning, the triangulation with other women and I’m now in the discard phase I, sure. A whole new language for me to understand and navigate…..

@AddictedtoCrunchies thank you so much, your post has made me feel really emotional. I’m in the midlands but thank you for your kind offer of help.

We have got separate finances, although I’m the one usually paying out for things. He will very often say I’m the most generous partner he’s had and most about other partners taking advantage of him.

I have been looking on Rightmove but it all seems to be happening so fast. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.

Thank you @MarkingBad ive been looking on right move at rentals, but my head is spinning. I’m not sure how he’ll be when I go. It’ll be hard because I’ll see him at work….already dreading the fallout.

@Colddayhotcuppa thats good advice, thank you. Yes this will be a taste of his medicine. In all the years I’ve known him I don’t think anyone has left him, he’s always done the leaving, and usually straight into the arms of someone new.

@AgathaKrispie I feel completely depleted. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this and I don’t feel very strong. I’m going to talk to my sister at the weekend, make plans to stay with her and her partner and then think about renting somewhere.

Please don’t think you are at fault.
I can imagine with this track record not everyone will think he’s the wonderful man he paints himself to be. I bet your friends are worried about you - tell them.
Words like narcissism get used a lot but this man is right out of a textbook. You’ve ‘supplied’ his ego for a bit, and then when he’s abused you he ‘hoovers’ you back up.
And that stare he has? It’s someone who doesn’t have the normal human feelings a normal person has. Everything is about him. And people like this will see you at the end of your rope, on the floor, nothing left and they do not care.
Confide in your sister. Leave. You are propping up his lifestyle as it. Use your hard earned money for you.
Men like this are experts are reeling people in. Once you’ve been drawn in by one, you never forget the experience.
Look up a great lady on YouTube called Dr Ramani. She’s great at explaining this stuff.

If you work with him I’d make sure you get ahead of the game and set the narrative with colleagues so he can’t skirmish your professional reputation- although if he’s a charmer and a player it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to colleagues.

You have nothing to be ashamed of now, but I bet you will if you stay and he leaves you.

These types of men think they are God’s gift at work but a lot of people tolerate them and slap a smile on.
I bet an awful lot of his colleagues would not be surprised to hear he is anything but behind close doors.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo the look in his eyes sometimes, it’s like there’s nothing there, like he hates me; it’s awful. Most of the time he’s got no empathy, he doesn’t seem to care if I’m upset and just tells me it’s all down to me and my insecurities. He says I’m jealous and paranoid. And I’m not, I know I’m not.

@Hyggehogger I’m not sure if folk have got the measure of him. He’s got the gift of the gab and is very plausible. I’m sure he’ll have everyone believing it’s me: all my fault because I don’t trust him and I’m paranoid and he’s done nothing wrong.

I would be saying something along the lines of he didn’t treat me the way I would expect a loving partner to treat me, his behaviour was very disrespectful, his behaviour at home was not the same as the way he behaves at work etc.
i.e; discredit him rather than accuse him

Either way, don’t let what people may or may not think dictate the decisions that impact your life. You’re worth more than that ❤️

Thank you @Hyggehogger wise words, I'll remember them. I'm a very private person and just hate the thought of people talking about me, I know its inevitable. We work in a large organisation. He's in one department and I'm in another. We don't work together thank goodness. I'm even thinking about leaving and looking for something else.