Not sure what to think anymore

[Soconfused202]

Sorry in advance but this will probably be a long thread but I don’t want to drip feed.

Been with partner 6 years, not married, both in our 50s and no kids.
Ive known him several years through work. He always made it clear that he liked me and wanted to be with me, even when he was in a relationship. I was in a relationship and always said no. My relationship ended about 8 years ago, and we got together a couple of years later.

Things were great at first, he was loving, affectionate, kept saying he couldn’t believe we were finally together. Everything was perfect.

Slowly but surely things changed. He’d blow hot and cold, and I wouldn’t know why. There was no affection, he didn’t want sex, didn’t tell me he loved me. I’d ask him what was wrong and he’d say nothing. Then as quick as it started it’d be all change and he’d be loving and kind. I just don’t know where I am and feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He flares up at me for what feel like small things, not shutting the bathroom window was the latest thing. Turning the oven on too high last week.

A few weeks ago started getting friendly with a woman from work. They’d text regularly and I don’t know something just felt off. He swore blind he didn’t fancy her and they were just good friends. I know her from work too but she never interacted with me in the same way. He pops round to her house for coffee. I’ve told him I feel uncomfortable with this and he just says I need to get over it she’s a friend and she’s going nowhere. Sometimes he can be reassuring but more often than not he’s not and tells me to ‘stop being a twat about it’.

He can be really moody with me, he says I pick on him and pick up on things he says or does wrong. I wrack my brains and ask him what but he can never answer me or brings up something that happened years ago. He looks at me sometimes like he doesn’t even like me. Then other times tells me how much he loves me, I’m the best thing ever. I honestly don’t know whether I’m coming or going, I just don’t know what to think anymore.

There have been a couple of other women whilst we’ve been together that he’s been texting, again says they are just friends and that I need to get a grip. He’s very charismatic and has a way of making people feel really special, and I guess does come across as being flirty.

He’s had lots of relationships in the past, been married twice, and did have a reputation. He’s always said if he’s not happy he moves on, why stay in a relationship if it’s not a happy one. I held off getting together but he said it would be different with me and that I was the one he’d always wanted.

Not sure why I’m posting really, reading it back it sounds awful, but he makes me feel like it’s me and all my fault. I just wondered what other people thought. I feel like I’m going crazy and feel like I’m losing my confidence.

No excuses..... however.... it sounds like he could have avoidant attachment issues!
Especially with the hot & cold responses & the recurring theme of shorter term relationships.

If you can move to another role that's equally as good if not better, it could be a good opportunity for a fresh start. However I wouldn't jump ship if you're going to loose out and it impact your career negatively- why should you loose out because old schmoozer is a crap DP?

@FlorenceB19 he could be, but I’ve come to the conclusion he could have any number of labels, the bottom line is he doesn’t treat me well, and has hurt me beyond belief, he’s eroded any trust I had in him. He’s just not a good partner.

@flippinnorra I’ve looking this last couple of days and haven’t seen anything yet, I definitely don’t want to jump ship, and it’ll make me look as guilty as hell. And he’ll be able to spread whatever he likes about me.

OP this free book Why Does He Do That? can be useful, it;s often shared on here. It's generalised but I can see some of my old BFs in there.

https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thanks @MarkingBad I'll take a look x

@Soconfused202 how are you doing? Hope things are feeling a bit clearer for you.

Op I would honestly go out with a male friend constantly and seen how he likes it

Also it seems like he's a narcissist and is gaslighting you

He's more then likely cheating and/or planning too

Also have a look about reactive abuse

Hopefully he will leave you for the woman that he is visiting for coffee and free you from this horrible, upsetting, and unsatisfying situation, and leave you free to be yourself or find someone who treats you better.

HE is the problem
But of course HE will never admit/ agree to that- EVER

HE has to justify all the flirting/ texting, so HE will find an easy scapegoat - YOU
YOU are already questioning your sanity, his job's done- he's done this before to all the other women he has been with- it's a proven formula, it's worked well in the past, he's going to continue to use it
Talk to some of his Ex's, you'll be amazed how similar your experiences are
Open your eyes, face the hard truth, he's probably looking already to move on, you're another one , another brick in the wall
Stay quiet, stop questioning/ arguing, research up on his past if you want (get hold of his Ex's etc) , sort out your finances and then one day, RUN
Trust me, he won't come chasing
He's probably just setting the scene anyway so that you leave, and he can blame it all on you, just like he's done previously

Why change a winning formula

"I feel like he’s lining his next one up ready for when he tells me it’s over because I’m jealous and paranoid."

You just need to end this now. He's got all the power and control while you're turning into a wreck.

Don't give him a chance to do things at his own pace (it does sound like he could be lining up another woman).

@Colddayhotcuppa thanks for checking in. I don't know how I'm feeling to be honest, confused, anxious, sick to my stomach.
I spoke to my sister yesterday, she said she knew I wasn't myself, and hadn't been for a while. She said she was worried about me.
My head is reeling and the thought of leaving him just, I don't know fills me with dread.
I know what I need to do, but don't seem to be able to know how to do it. I know I sound weak and pathetic, I know I need to be strong, but I feel like I'm falling down a big black hole.

@Chanjh25 I have been reading up on narcissist abuse and he does fit the bill. I'm too old to play games and wouldn't start going out with other men.

@Ladyof2025 as much as I don't want him to tell me it's over, that might be easier, I don't know.

@littlemisspigg that's just how I feel, that I'm questioning my sanity. I vaguely know one if his exes and she told a friend when we got together she was concerned and that he was controlling. I remember thinking at the time, he won't control me! But look at me now.

When I talk to him about his behaviour, the blowing hot and cold, the texting he's always got such a good answer and I always end up feeling like its my fault. He says if I can't trust him then he doesn't want to be with me. Then he'll tell me how much he loves me, how long he's waited for me, I'm the one he wants.....I honestly don't know whether I'm coming or going.

The sooner you find an ecape route the better. The whole gaslightingthing is making the other person doubt themselves, their families, even all their friends. However nearest and dearest try to help, the worse it seems. There is also the shame element that people who love you tell you to get out when you can't but you fear they will give up on you.

@Nantescalling I definitely feel ashamed. And embarrassed. I can't believe it's happening. I need to bridge the gap between thinking of going and going. It just seems so hard.

What I would do is dump him before he gets the chance to dump you. In fact I'd wait until he went to work and then move out. He will drive you crazy, OP. The reason he wanted you for so long was because he thought he couldn't have you. Once you capitulated, he moved on to the next option. He'll be like that for the rest of his life - don't take it personally.

When he told you it would be different with you he absolutely had no way of knowing that. We all have high hopes when under spell of the new relationship and it takes time to see how things will turn out.
I really don't understand why you're nurturing this sense of shame and embarrassment. You didn't kill anyone. You're relationship choices are not anyone's business. You gave this man a chance and it didn't turn out like you hoped it would. Happens to all of us. The most important part is what will you do now.

This is how serial cheaters behave, unfortunately. They want to have their needs met by more than one person, which means they want to keep the woman at home from leaving for as long as possible, so they gaslight them and keep them off balance until you doubt yourself on every front and become indecisive. He gets something from the fact that you don't really want to leave. If he was hateful all the time, you'd go. However if you felt loved and empowered you'd put your foot down on his extra curriculars, and he can't have that. So he does a balancing act until you tip toe around his approval. Look at his history. You thought you were avoiding cheating simply by not cheating on your own partner, but he was always willing for you to be his side piece, or for you to cheat on your partner. His personality as a serial cheaters did not change just because you both became single at the same time. From my own experience I can tell you you will be much happier if you leave and block him. Without his manipulations, you'll begin healing.