AIBU to think that most relationships will end with an OVERLAP with a new relationship.

[morningpaper]

I don't get this thing on MN whereby married people are expected to end marriages before embarking on other relationships.

This idea of people (except you always mean 'woman' ) being "slappers" if they enter relationships with married people makes me think lots of you have very little understanding of how relationships work.

• To be blunt, I would be FAR more upset if DH left me for a lonely life as a single person in a bedsit than for a new relationship. I think the former is FAR more insulting. I have a close friend whose husband did this and it was MORTIFYING every time people said "Oh darlng, was there someone else?" and she had to say "No" (unspoken message: 'I am just too horrific to live with').

• People need support when they end relationships - and that support often comes from a new relationship.

• If people ended every marriage at the first sniff of new romance, or at the first feelings of dissatisfaction, then none of our relationships would last more than a year or two! It is often a new relationship that gives people the impetus to re-evaluate their lives.

• Most relationships become very "stale" after a certain amount of time - society tells us we must WORK at our relationships after the desire has gone, but WHY? Why not just accept that our partners or ourselves might be MORE happy in a new relationships - we have changed and grown, after all.

I have several friends in relationships with married people - and I expect a lot of you do, too, but they probably don't tell you because you are so HORRIFIED at the idea. Such relationships generally end in a lot of DESPAIR but they are part of life.

When you talk about "ending relationships before starting new ones" it sounds to me just like people who talk about not having sex before marriage - a great ideal (perhaps), but not realistic for 99% of people.

[i like cock....honestly]

point being: you DON'T bring it on atm because you are HAPPY and appreciate your lovely partner. sheesh.

Affairs are fun, and easy, and hugely enjoyable - yes of course they lead to pits of despair - but in the normal course of events affairs and falling in love with other people are quite normal and natural. It isn't sympatommatic of anything, it is just life. It takes a massive strength of will NOT to have an affair when you are in the situation where one is brewing. In that sense, NOT having an affair is deeply unnatural. (And perhaps Madamez could argue that not having an affair could be a symptom of our society's unnatural obsession with monogramy!)
I just think if a partner could stop their partner/spouse getting into the situation or themselves then perhaps it wouldn't happen??

"people who have affairs when in committed monogomaus (sp) relationships are shit imo.

I don't care what's wrong with your relationship or how fabulous the person is you met or how drunk you were or whatever your excuse is.

If you make that commitment stick to it. If you can't then leave. It's very simple. Go home, pack your bag and walk out. Because the minute you fuck someone else you are doing the exact same thing."

I do agree that if you are wanting extra marital affairs then you should at least have the decency to let your other half know. People who want to have their cake and eat it are not being fair.

I do think it's a great myth that affairs are easy. Another myth is that a wedding-ring is some kind of challenge. I don't know anyone who thinks that way.

i still think life is very complicated

its interesting to see what people are saying

but very little i see on mn seems to be something i can relate to

its like one of those quizes where you are given different scenarios but none of them apply

Oh I agree that people meet partners who are single when they meet them, they get together and then the partner goes off and sleeps with someone else, of course! I didn't say I didn't think that happened. And I DO think that people SHOULD leave unhappy relationships, I REALLY DO! I'm not arguing that they shouldn't.

But I disagree MP, affairs are not, as you say "fun, and easy, and hugely enjoyable - yes of course they lead to pits of despair - but in the normal course of events affairs and falling in love with other people are quite normal and natural. It isn't sympatommatic of anything, it is just life."

I think they're dishonest and dishonourable and hurtful and spiteful and deceitful and hard work. I think they show selfishness and egotism beyond belief. And it has nothing to dowith not liking sex, I do and have had and have plenty of it.

I have been a mistress btw. I do understand what it's like to not know or want to know what time a man takes a crap in the morning. I do understand meeting in hotels and skulking around and having lots of sex and none of the domestic grind. I see the attraction, frankly, I understand why people do it. However, I was single when I did this. I'm not proud of it and I don't try to justify it, I was wrong imo, very wrong. But the men who had made marriage vows were MORE wrong (wronger?!) because they had made promises they weren't keeping. And I wouldn't have an affair now. I've been faithful to whoever I've been married to for the past 10 years. When I wasn;t happy with my marriage, I left.

I do believe in fidelity, for me. I do think if people aren't happy they should leave. But I don;t think habing an affair will fix what is wrong with their primary relationship. It will damage it. Unless you have an open relationship, which is an entirely different kettle of fish.

Well I try to resist my gut feeling in order to, you know, maintain good mental health and a family and house and everything and fit into society

And I am very fond of DH

personally, i know that MY flesh is weak and there is nothing more intoxicating than being desired.

HOWEVER

the person I love and fancy the most in the world...on an ongoing basis...is dh.

SO

i never put myself in circumstances where I would be tempted.

this, to me, is a realistic assessment of my human fallibility and the value I place on my relationship.

I hate to get all jesus on you, but do unto others, and I would be devastated if dh were to be unfaithful. would i forgive him, probably. but i would be very hurt. so I don't do it to him.

i think the idea that affairs are fun and easy is a bit bollox

I think people have overlapping relationships, because it is an easy way out and they fall from one warm nest into another warm nest. Simple as that.

That does not mean it is the "right" thing to do!

I would certainly expect my DH to tell me, if he had met someone he was genuinely developing feelings for BEFORE anything happens between them. I would also expect him to tell me, if he was unhappy in our relationship. Or in other words: I expect honesty, respect and decency from him - no more and no less. I married him, because I believe he can live up to these expectations (and he promised to). I would obviously do the same, if I was unhappy or interested in someone else. There is no need to hurt people more than necessary and while it would still hurt, I would be grateful for the respect for me that this would show.

Furthermore, if I was single and met someone who was in a relationship, I would certainly demand from him to end that relationship before so much as discussing any physical contact with me! I owe that to myself. How cheap am I, if I give myself to someone who just wants a little bit of fun on the side (unless that is what I am after and not bothered by it, but I am just not that sort of person). I would want him to prove what the potential to be with me is worth to him. Not the "try before you buy" approach that seems to be favoured by so many people.

I agree that these are ideals and many people may not want or be able to live up to these. However, they are the standards I expect from myself and others and I fully intend to bring up my children to live up to them too. I want them to treat other people with the respect they deserve.

By the way, I also think that a lot of people (men and women) have affairs and behave appallingly, because they WANT to be kicked out. They are unhappy but either are cowards or do not have the strength to leave an unhappy relationship. They need to be kicked. And then they can feel good about themselves and are not to blame that the family split up, because it was their partners decision...

lol @ 'get all jesus'

you are fond of your dh, ergo, an affair wouldn't be 'easy' because you would KNOW that you would be hurting him (and your kids).

however, i absolutely agree about not calling people slappers and not judging those that do have affairs. there but for the grace. i think an attitude of 'oo, i would NEVER do that' is a very dangerous one tbh.

I like cock too, doesn;t make me a believer that I can just go off and have some of it that isn't my husbands.
can't believe I just typed those words, eww. It does help that we have a great life and are very happy I suppose.

Maybe I'm naive but I like to think not, I prefer optimistic.

I think they are EASY to slip into

But they always lead to pits of despair

Let me make that clear

shall we start an i love cock thread, just to get it all out of our system? how you doing there unquiet?

It's not always a warm nest. Some people have to live with their exes for months, sell houses, move...

ah, well you see, i agree with you there lady. easy to slip into. so don't put yourself in a place which is slippy slidey and steep.

Yes I love cock too - my DPs! - but also I like the conversation, the comfort, humour, stability and joy of us being together and feeling that we are a unit and we are faithful. Of course I'm not so naive as to think that could never go wrong. But I do think that feeling of security is worth something and there is such a thing as a very long, happy, monogamous relationship.

I've seen it happen many a time that people (usually men but not always) get excited by the sex aspect and have an affair, then end up losing the person they actually really love in the cold light of day, and being with someone they can't relate to. That's sad IMO (especially when it impacts on children) and I think people could and can learn to resist the desire for an affair.

I've done it - I've had massive crushes on people, I've had the opportunity. I've resisted not out of coldness or moral rectitude so much, but because I don't want to hurt DP and I don't want to hurt myself. In the cold lifght of day, even in a bad patch, the chances that Mr Crush could ever match up to him as a proper partner are remote.

And right now our closest friends' relationship is on the rocks because the man has been having a wild passionate affair in which love was declared and oh they were so in love. The minute it was all blown out of the water (her husband found out) our male friend is paralysed with indecision and is a mess. Turns out he's suffering from depression. Turns out this woman forced his hand a bit and he didn't really want that commitment, but felt he'd made his bed so had to lie in it. Many people have been badly hurt, for basically, a bit of cock with no substance behind it. And he wishes he'd never gone there.

I don't think they're easy to slip into.

You meet someone, you talk to them and oops! His cock's in your mouth! Is that how it works? Surely not?

something like that www

(I'm actually a very good girl. I don't even drink with boys.)

I must go and do some work, stop being interesting for a couple of hours please!

ok

An overlap where someone is being deceived is wrong, surely? Also what on earth is the other woman or other man thinking? The truth is the majority of affairs don't end in divorce.

Some relationships do run on for longer than is healthy. The worst thing you can do in that situation is find yourself another partner, it further complicates things. The excitement and sex with your new partner will often make the relationship with your current partner more bearable - so it runs on for longer than it might otherwise have done. An overlap relationship can make people very confused and do some very hurtful things which probably in the end kill both relationships.