When someone shows you who they are, believe them

[tellmesomethingtrue]

Does anyone have any real life examples of this famous saying?

I'm struggling to know what to do after my husband's infidelity and I keep thinking back to this.

“I’m very black and white.”

My narcissistic serial domestic abuser ex said this to me in the early days of our relationship.

At the time I replied that that’s how kids think. Adults know that life is not that simple and is in fact an endless series of shades of grey.

Fast-forward a few years and when I ended the relationship and withdrew the validation and financial support I had provided, I was, and remain a uniformly bad person in his eyes.

Years later, he is totally incapable of co-parenting healthily for our children’s benefit because he is still so stuck in black and white thinking.

He had totally shown me who he really was in his behaviour towards his previous ex. I thought she was difficult. She wasn’t.

Thank you. Are there anymore?

I think it can be a bit of a silly saying.

Let's take a guy who has been a fantastic husband and father in many, objective ways. But he also cheated. What shall we believe?

Let's say he's been a fantastic husband and father for ten years, and cheated for a week. Is he the fantastic husband and we believe that? Or the cheat and we believe that?

Life is complicated. If he's an absolute abusive bastard and much of your relationship has been miserable, then yes, believe that this toxicity is who you are together. If not, keep and open mind while protecting yourself.

A slightly younger ex showed his immaturity early on when his mum actually bought his socks and underpants in his 20s. I overlooked this and many indicators that he still saw himself as a kid living away from home rather than a grown man. He was a great person, highly intelligent, nothing terrible, but just at a different life stage and very entangled with his parents which was a big issue in the end when they interfered in our relationship and there was no question of him 'taking my side'. It was all very nice while it lasted but essentially a waste of time when I could have been meeting someone who wanted the same things (not saying all his fault but I could have seen that aspect coming).

I mean, there are examples of thjs definitely but people can still blindside you. I would take infidelity as a clear sign though and act on what you know and how it makes you feel rather than picking over what may happen again or may have happened hitherto.

Any act of deliberate behaviour shows exactly who they are.

Believing them…well that is the hard part. You can’t argue you didn’t know after the umpteenth time.

Completely agree with this. Not necessarily specific to infidelity, but I do not believe that a short term out of character behaviour defines an entire person in all aspects and forever more. That is far too simplistic.
You have to look at whatever 'failing' has occurred in the wider context of their personality, values and beliefs.

It depends what the defining characteristics of the relationship are.

Marriage requires fidelity and loyalty. Someone working for the best interest of the couple and their children. That is what marriage is for, unless specific agreements have been made. There may be disagreements about what that looks like- work life balance, short term pain/long term game- but the loyalty and fidelity should be there.

When someone does something that prioritises someone else, they are showing you what they value. Whether that is their mum, another woman, or their boss.

I saw how my ex husband treated his ex wife and years before that his ex fiancee.
I believed his version of events and turned a blind eye. I thought it would be entirely different with me because he said I was his soul mate.
Reader, it was not different.

So if I ensure my boss is content with me and keeps me employed so I can contribute to the financial demands of a family, I value my boss more than my family?

OP, this is why these sayings are silly.

Absolutely this, especially the last paragraph.

That’s why I said short term gain long term pain, and that people may not agree what prioritising family looks like. It’s a negotiation.

If I’m staying onside with the boss so that I provide for my family, that’s great. If I’m doing it so I get the great job with the swanky office and title, or because I’m scared of causing a fuss, maybe not.

If your job is happening at the expense of your family it may be the wrong job.

"If I’m doing it so I get the great job with the swanky office and title, or because I’m scared of causing a fuss, maybe not."

Again, this would make sense if the great job wasn't very likely to come with a great pay packet or causing a fuss didn't risk unemployment. Both of these things could also be argued to be prioritising the family.

Life is so individual that these sayings just don't encompass the complexity of our existence.

@JustAskingThisQ it’s the motivation. If you are struggling to see the difference between doing something to help your family and doing something for prestige, then you may want to rethink it.

It needs mutual agreement if you want someone picking up all the slack at home so you can do well at work. Just as it needs mutual agreement to stay home and house make instead of getting paid work.

When someone does something that prioritises someone else, they are showing you what they value. Whether that is their mum, another woman, or their boss.

Sometimes other people are more important than your spouse. A parent who is grieving or unwell, a friend who needs support to navigate something tough in their life, a high priority work deadline. There are many, many things I can think of where someone else has had to be prioritised over me or my husband, sometimes for quite long periods. Neither of us is arrogant enough to think that all our other relationships should always be ditched in favour of each other.

I think that saying is right in that I believe what you do says more about who you are than what you say.

So a man, who profess you’re their soul mate and they love you so much, that deliberately does something they know will hurt you deeply simply doesn’t love you. Regardless of what they say.

Same with the man who says they’re careful with money and live a frugal life but keeps buying stuff they dont need and have no savings or have debts.

I see this as the little things. Being rude to waiting staff or front desk staff is a red flag. Men saying "Trans women are women" shows they DGAF about the impact on women, and there's a huge list of men with public profiles who have claimed that then found to have SAed or been violent to women. People who don't care enough to tell you they won't be coming after all don't care about you. Doing something you asked them not to do repeatedly and not being sorry about it.

That’s where boundaries come isnt it?

Yes there are point where someone else might take priority. And yes it’s a choice.
But it’s also true that if you ALWAYS put a parent or a friend or work ahead of your spouse, despite then telling you it’s hurtful etc…. Then yes you’ve made a clear choice to put that person ahead of your marriage.
And your spouse is entitled to say enough is enough too,

And it’s also true that you can only neglect your relationship/ouse for so long before damaging that relationship beyond repair.
Its all nice to say that ‘mum needs support as she is grieving’ but if that means you’re neglecting the very real needs of your spouse, then dint be surprised that after a while, they disengaged, the same way you have.

Shows or tells you?

I've always found that anyone who says things like -

'I wouldn't hurt a fly!'

'You can trust me!'

Etc

^ all a lie.

I also find the 'Be kind' morons are anything but kind.

I don't think it's that simple.

I'll tell you why I think the way I do.

In life we basically have enough resources to either live quite a frugal life, and save for our/the kid's future, or deprioritise their savings and perhaps their education to an extent, and be able to enjoy luxuries on the way. We chose the latter.

Career wise, we've prioritised being able to attend/support their interests and hobbies over work. This is particularly unusual for mt partner's culture and his peers are generally better off for it, too.

I know people close to me who chose the former. What's interesting is that all of us parents have wavered over the years on whether we chose the right way. Yes my kids have had fun and experiences and trainers(!) that some of my friend's kids haven't had, but then they will have more financial stability in early adulthood. My kids will probably have to work through uni which might limit their options. But at the same time, I do feel that things like our travel and other cultural activities have set them up in other ways. Obviously the ideal would be both and don't get me wrong, the kids have some savings, but we haven't prioritised that side of things.

My point is that couples that made a different choice to us probably waiver too. You wonder if you have made the right choices when you see other people living differently. So I don't think it's as easy as wondering if prestige is your motivator when you're making a tough choice about career vs family. It might be. But with prestige comes money. And money buys things. So it's all just a circle.

We're all doing our best.

Making sexist remarks or jokes
Badmouthing people
Rude to service staff
Has a temper
Flaky
Selfish
Can't look after himself eg clean, cook , pay bills
Demanding

If you see signs like this then you're seeing who he is. If he's disrespectful to you, eg name calling, doesn't listen, can't compromise, then you're setting yourself up for misery.

Cheating doesn't just involve the act, it involves lies, lack of respect, duplicitous behaviour, selfishness and lack of love.

One guy early in our relationship told me a story of when he was caught cheating by the 2 women turning up at his house at the same time. It was phrased as how embarrassed he was, but funny now too. Later he phoned me to correct any impressions it may have given and say he wasn't like that now.
Well I'm sure by the end of us he had a few more 'stories' in his back pocket.
Looking back I realised his original story told me exactly who he was - I just didn't listen.

You’ve used ‘we’ loads of times. Made choices as a couple.

So did we, with occasional wobbles about our choices. But we both made the choice. If we’d made the ‘invest in our dc’ choice, but I’d blown the money on a fancy haircut or new guitar, then I’d be showing my priorities and loyalty were not to ‘we’ but to me!

A friend was married to a bloke who agreed they should be sensible with money, save for the future etc. she was scrimping on basic underwear to make ends meet. Every now and then he’d buy a guitar or a bike or some other selfish item. Occasionally he’d justify it with ‘I’ll earn money gigging’ or ‘do wedding photography on the side’.

He was showing her who he was and who his priority was.

I have a real life example.

I've recently said this to my adult dc in relation to their father.

He's just had his third marriage suddenly collapse. He's once again playing the victim. She was a cheat, violent and stole from him. Same as me and the second wife.hes spreading vicious lies about her. She's just gone into hiding. I can guarantee that she's fled for exactly the same reason I did. He's a depraved, cruel, possessive and abusive animal who hides behind his charming funny man persona. But his mask slips. And he's blatantly shown everyone who he is many times.

Most recently by posting videos of himself in Thailand with young girls. Bragging about how he could buy one. His constant sexual innuendoes and inappropriate behaviour towards women all done tongue in cheek because he's just being a cheeky chappy.

So now some truths are coming to light about him and everyone's shocked. Yet he's absolutely shown everyone who he is over and over again.

But people just don't want to see it I suppose.

Sorry to hear that.