When someone shows you who they are, believe them

[tellmesomethingtrue]

Does anyone have any real life examples of this famous saying?

I'm struggling to know what to do after my husband's infidelity and I keep thinking back to this.

Oh God.. I've forgiven people loads when I should not have. In fact every single time I have forgiven someone for a large transgression it has bitten me in the arse.
I'm not talking small things.. I've forgiven people for mildly pissing me off of course. And that's been fine.
I can't go into detail as too outing.
But there's been two female friends who stabbed me in the back and I forgave and let back into my life only for them to do it again.
And several boyfriends who early on in the relationship showed their true colours and I overlooked it.. only to inevitably have that repeatedly happen.

As for infidelity. I really don't think it should be forgiven unless their contextual factors that make it sympathetic.. (I mean stuff like both their parents died in a car crash and they had a breakdown,got high and shagged someone in a club but it was all completely out of character and due to grief... or some other extreme scenario where there'd be some reason why they really weren't themselves)
However in most contexts someone has decided to cheat and that is in their character. It's a flaw in them and/or it's a flaw in their relationship to you. It can and probably will happen again.
They've let you down on a fundamental level. You can't trust them, and trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

So I do believe that saying. But only for important things not petty stuff. If someone betrays you in a big way then you should take that on board and never trust them again.

Oh yeah. I like to remember that a drunk person's angry words are their sober thoughts.

Who people are is often how they behave when they think no one is watching

Actually, I think that this is a perfect example of illustrating the phrase.

It's the public face/private face dichotomy. And I don't interpret the expression to be speaking in absolutes.

Let's take this example, a man can be a good husband on the surface - supportive, fully engaged with the family, 50/50 in household chores, remembers and celebrates birthdays because that is who one side of him is and he likes to be seen that way by everyone who meets him. A good loyal, family man.

But if he has also cheated, then he is also a liar, he is also disrespectful, he is also self serving and he is also disloyal but these were sides of his character he wished to keep hidden from his wife, his family, his friends and his colleagues.

They are no less 'who he is' than the public face he shows.every day.

The expression is a reminder to not ignore the aspects of someone's character you'd rather weren't there but to consider the whole person.

A person's positive qualities don't negate their good ones. They are equally important and should be paid attention to because, if you don't, its likely to come back and bite you on the arse.

"But if he has also cheated, then he is also a liar, he is also disrespectful, he is also self serving and he is also disloyal but these were sides of his character he wished to keep hidden from his wife, his family, his friends and his colleagues."

Maybe he cheated and confessed right away. Is he still a liar? Doing something one time doesn't mean that's who you are all of the time. It doesn't mean you shouldn't face consequences because you've only done it once, but it doesn't override all the times you chose differently.

So this idea that he had this hidden monster he consciously kept concealed the whole time is just hyperbole and not really worth spending much time thinking about.

I bet you're extremely thankful that people haven't used the worst thing you've ever done to say that's who you really are. Despite all the times you've done great things. We use that one time to judge the essence of your soul and we say that's who you are.

Seems harsh, no?

I have said this on here before but it bugs me hugely when people say someone who cheated in their relationship is a "good dad" or "good mum".
People said this to me &, hell, I even said it when my exH's cheating came to light!

But the ensuing family breakdown made me realise he absolutely wasn't a 'good dad" because he put his children's security & happiness on the line to get his end away with the other woman. Cheating is a truly selfish act and a cheat is not thinking about their partner, their family, their kids, when they decide to cheat.

If your husband has cheated on you, OP, then, yes, he is showing you who he is. He is showing you that he is someone who prioritises himself and his own happiness/sexual gratification above you, your happiness & your children's happiness if you have them.
What you do with this new information you have about him is obviously up to you.

I think 9 times out of 10 it’s valid. When someone hurts you or makes you feel like crap you can bet they’ll do it again.

He showed me who he was on our first proper date, when he had a massive angry rant at me.
I showed him who I was when I stood and waited for it to finish instead of walking away.

A stand out last paragraph, succinct, indisputable

When I first met my ex on our second date, he said, "Oh me and my family are always shouting. We are just passionate people."

Jesus wept. He and his dad both have screaming rages and hysterics over utter bullshit or to be abusive.

Awful people.

And often men will test your boundaries in small ways in the early days of dating and it’s important to hold firm.

It’s an interesting one OP. My most recent ex kept saying ‘I’m a nice guy’ which actually meant ‘It is most important to me that I am seen by everyone to be a nice guy.’ It was the setup of a kind of circular logic. If I told him he’d hurt me he’d say ‘but I’m a nice guy! Everyone knows it!’ and there were whole retinues of people proclaiming it.

He’d also say ‘what you see is what you get’ presumably based on the large-scale projection of niceguyishness. But actually after a while I saw a self-righteous and almost narcissistic individual.

I think its a call to not ignore patterns of behaviour. It doesn’t mean ‘recognise when someone’s a monster’ it means ‘recognise when someone’s comfortable hurting you’.

I once got a new job and one of the first things my new manager said to me was 'I don't come to work to make friends'. She was talking to me about how the she ran the team and the fact that she had a reputation for being rather 'direct'. Over the next year or so we seemed to really get on. She acted as a bit of a career mentor to me and we socialised together. She seemed to be loved by the Big Bosses but not particularly liked by her peers but I assumed this was jealousy at how fast she was progressing plus perhaps a hint of sexism as we were in a very male dominated industry. She ended up completely throwing me under the bus to make herself look good; blaming me for any mistakes, taking credit for all my ideas/successes etc. I later found out that she'd been doing this from quite early on in my time there and leading her bosses to believe that she was such a great manager that she was putting extra effort in to 'fixing' me.

Good people sometimes do bad things.

I think this saying is specifically referring to the way in which sometimes people do bad things but they find some way to turn it around or twist it so that you accept it or believe that it didn't really happen. When really, you should base your decision on the action. Doesnt' mean that everyone does this or that someone who is goign to have an affair will have done somethign that should have alerted you in advance. In fact, it would be more likely that someone would say this to you know if your ex ws begging to take you back and saying it was a mistake, you'd have to consider whether to take his words as the truth or his actions (his affair).

Examples where it was red flag behaviour I've seen with exBIL were things like him choosing to work very few hours in a very badly paid job and he always had excuses and reasons that were a bit flimsy. At the end of the day, he didn't want to work and he wanted SIL to support him and she should have seen that, and not all the words he used to justify his decisions.

• laughs about being a psycho but actually is
• says he has a temper but ignore this info thinking its no big deal and he seems fine now, until he explodes on you
• told you he cheated on his ex, you think this time it will be different, then he cheats on you
• you notice him flirt ans eye up other women you think whatever its nothing, I'm imagining it, I'm being too paranoid but then you find out he is a serial cheat
• he makes fun of other womens appearance, you think its ok because you look better than those women.. until it's you who gets picked on. He showed you he is a bully and shallow but you didn't believe him. He told you he is unstable, ureliable, cheater.. and you laughed it off or minimised it or thought you will change him.

It's about not ignoring red flags.

I was friends with a woman I really liked. She was very funny and fun of energy - great to be around. But something about her slightly put me on edge. Then one day she told me an anecdote about how she and her partner had stayed with a friend for two weeks and as the 'holiday' went on, the friend got increasingly 'arsey' about them not clearing up mess or not restocking the fridge, so before they left they bought her some chocolates as a present, only they were laxative chocolates. She thought this was hilarious. I thought, 'You and your partner sponged off a friend, left her house in a tip and then paid her back by intentionally giving her stomach problems?' Then I understood why I never quite felt at ease with her and backed off the friendship a bit.

@SereneCapybara excellent example, yeah i noticed they tell you almost with pride like it's so clever or funny of them. Total sociopathy of them!

Well, I've never done anything particularly bad I don't think but, yes, if I had done something bad that would be part of who I was. Just a part I didn't let show very often.

My less desirable qualities are still part of who I am as much as the really positive ones I show all the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

But are the bad things you've done who you are? Or are the good things who you are?

You see this saying implies that if you see someone doing something bad, that's all they are.

They all are. Because humans are complex.

Yes exactly. So if we go back to someone who has spent 10 years showing themselves to be great, and a month showing themselves to be someone who isn't, it makes no sense to JUST to count the one month of bad stuff. It's a totally redundant saying

Yes, I believe it’s true.

When I was younger, I had this weird notion that what my ex truthfully said would never apply to me. I was very wrong not to listen, because it certainly did.