Online dating question - What would you say if a man did this?

[mom2daisypie]

I'll start by saying I'm not looking to get into a serious relationship at the moment. I'm embracing my newly single status and have decided that as part of rebuilding my confidence and faith in humanity, I'm going to keep an open mind, and dip my toe very cautiously into chatting to new people. I joined the free Facebook dating section out of curiosity and was pleasantly surprised that despite my initial reservations, there were actually a few people who I found funny, interesting and attractive. I'd been chatting to one guy for a few days via FB dating when he asked if I'd mind giving him my number so we could use WhatsApp instead. I agreed and we were texting daily for about a week. We have the exact same sense of humour and really seemed to hit it off. I was honest about not being sure when I'd be ready for a serious relationship again and he agreed that he's in a very similar place right now, so we continued to make each other laugh and give each other a glimpse into our daily lives.

He asked whether I'd consider meeting for a coffee and I said I wasn't sure. A few days later (Tuesday just gone) he asked if I'd given it any more thought and I decided what harm can a coffee do. We live 2 hours apart and he offered to drive over nearer me. We chose a place and time. This Sunday at 2pm. He said he was really looking forward to meeting me, even if we decide to be friends, he's enjoyed our chats and thanked me.

I heard nothing more. Radio silence. So 4 days passed. In that time I've been assuming it's not happening and have been feeling mixed about it, as up until the date was arranged we'd spoken daily and the last thing I need in my life is a man who sends mixed signals.
This evening he finally text me saying "How are you feeling about tomorrow? all still ok?".

I'm unsure whether to mention the fact theres been silence for 4 days and that I wasn't sure whether the coffee was still happening or give him the benefit of the doubt and not overreact? I know some people don't feel the need to message daily but we'd spoken daily up until arranging the date?

I'm very rusty when it comes to dating so any thoughts, positive or negative would be appreciated.

Hmm I was expecting to come on and say dump him, but actually I don’t think there’s a problem here.

i personally don’t like texting permanently. It’s far better to wait and get to know someone in person. I would easily have behaved in the same way as him and it’s for healthy reasons- namely I don’t want to spend ages texting someone who I might not get on with, but I’m happy to exchange texts and chats until I get to the stage where I’m happy to meet.

i have a (lovely, sane) friend who openly says to dates- ‘I won’t be texting much before Saturday ( or whenever date is) as I have quite a busy week, but really looking forward to chatting in person’

I think his only problem was not being clear about the sudden drop in text. There’s a very small chance he’s a weirdo, but not from what you’ve described here and you’re only going for coffee, so you can easily leave if he’s not a good one!

The thing that would stop me going for a coffee is the distance. I can see myself getting really fed up with that quite quickly. I'd probably go along for coffee now and if I liked him I'd just ask him why he hadn't contacted me over the last four days.

Suppose I would be cautious as it seems like the daily chatting was mainly aimed at persuading you to agree to an in-person meet-up and once you agreed, it was “job done, no more chatting”. I would worry that he might be doing the same with multiple women to see who will agree to meet in person. If you still want to meet him, be careful, make sure it’s in public, make sure someone knows where you are, make sure he doesn’t know where you live and if he tries to push for more contact than you feel ready for, have some delaying phrases ready and an exit strategy planned. Obviously watch for the usual red flags /love-bombing. Good luck!

If I was on his shoes, and I had been building an ‘online’ relationship with you for a week or so and you said you weren’t sure if you wanted to meet up for a coffee I’d lose interest, that coupled with the distance.

that clearly happened to him, he went fishing so to speak to see what else he could catch, was unsuccessful and came back to you.

online dating is very fickle, I tend to meet within 48 hours or so, otherwise I lose interest and there really is no point in endless messaging. I’m not looking for a pen pal.

I’d still meet him if I were you but the distance would almost certainly rule out a relationship; which you don’t seem to want anyway, so just be wary he might be seeing it as a FWB situation

I probably would meet him and then at least you can move on if you two aren't getting on/it's boring face to face.

Thanks for the reply. I do feel that him checking how I'm feeling about tomorrow seems considerate, given that he knows I'm very cautious at the moment, rather than just assuming it's all going ahead. On the flip side I also haven't been in touch with him for 4 days and he has possibly been feeling similarly unsure about whether I'd changed my mind. I'll go for a coffee. Its daylight and a busy town centre so I feel comfortable with that.

One of the drawbacks of OLD is that it can seem like you have a great connection with messages but when you meet it isn't there. I know a lot of people who have a hard line no lengthy texting rule with themselves, ie meet fast or move on. To give him the benefit of the doubt it sounds like he may simply have wanted to avoid the too much texting scenario and to see if you both feel you get on as well in person. As long as you follow all the precautions any woman should follow for a first date, safe venue, no details re where you live, I'd say definitely meet.

thanks for the reply. My last relationship was long distance (3.5 hours apart) and at this point in my life I'm OK with that. It's an hours drive for each of us to meet somewhere central so won't be the end of the world if we do decide to date more regularly.

Thanks - great advice!

Thanks for your thoughts. Yeah, well not quite - we'd been chatting for about a week before I agreed to a date. It was once we'd agreed on a day, place and time that he stopped messaging until tonight (the night before the date) if that makes sense. So the first time he asked for a date I said I wasn't sure. We continued to speak and a few days later he asked me again and we arranged it.

I'm not naive and I'm sure that given he's on an OLD app that I certainly won't be the only woman he's speaking to at this stage, but given that he continued to engage with me in the hope of a date after the first rejection, and given that he's willing to travel over an hour to meet for a daytime coffee, I'd say he's probably worth meeting for that at least.

Thanks - yes I've read this a lot. The "connection" not being there is person. It's true you can't fake chemistry or force it. It's either there or it's not so I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings!

Update: I replied over an hour ago saying "yep works for me, you?".
He hasn't replied yet? I'm wondering if he's having doubts and was hoping I'd pull out last minute so that he wouldn't have to...now I've said I'm happy to meet, he's maybe doesn't know what to say?

I was in a relationship before with someone who turned out to have Dissociative Disorder (i.e. he blew hot and cold ALL the time). I don't want to project my previous experiences onto current situations but I can't help wondering if this is a red flag or just me being overly paranoid/cautious?

It's only an hour! Maybe he's busy doing something? There are plenty of reasons I might not see or reply to a message in an hour (driving, gardening, watching a movie...). Just chill out a bit.

I've had this happen a few times. Many people just seem to want a text buddy, so he asked you for a coffee to make sure this wasn't going to be the case with you. He continued messaging because you said you weren't sure, he tried asking again and you arranged a time and place to meet. In his mind, there's nothing more to say because the point of messaging was to see if an in-person date could be arranged and it was. He doesn't want to run out of things to say before meeting you. At least, it's this type of explanation I've had previously when I've asked about the sudden drop-off in communication.

Thanks for the reply. So 2.5 hours went by and I decided to message saying "lets leave tomorrow shall we? maybe you're not in the right place for this. No hard feelings, just best not to waste each others time". An hour later at around 11.15pm he replied saying he was so sorry and that he'd been at the boatyard and there's no mobile signal there.
I'm not sure what to believe but at this early stage I have to give the benefit of the doubt. He said he'd very much still like to meet today for coffee if I want to so I've agreed.

Right good luck, think you handled that fine. Hope it goes well!

I think you're being a bit over the top OP; so he didn't reply for a while - that doesn't mean he's not interested.
If you don't want to meet him, fine, but you seemed to throw your toys out of the pram because you didn't get an immediate response. He said he was busy, maybe he's not someone who is able to text all the time.

Then again maybe that's not someone who is right for you, but personally it would annoy me being expected to respond immediately. I find it really needy.

He’s prepared to travel to meet you.
He didn’t give up when you weren’t certain.
He made the arrangement and might not see the need to keep texting daily in the intervening time. Perhaps he views that as fuss and can be taken at his word.
Not all men on OLD are juggling potentials.
Stay safe and enjoy meeting him.

I think you’ve behaved oddly there. It comes across like you got cold feet. Not replying for 2.5 hours on a Saturday evening is nothing. What more was there to say when he reconfirmed and you said ‘yep’?

I’m glad you’re meeting.

i think you are massively over reacting. From your updates, you are obviously a bit twitchy about someone blowing hot and cold, but you aren’t even in a relationship!

he took a couple of hours to reply on a Saturday night. Relax and enjoy the date- it’s just a coffee.

this is why many people don’t like to text very much and meet early. It’s so you don’t invest a huge amount into the ‘relationship’ before you’ve even met.

You won’t know if there’s a spark until you meet.

I’d say this is how online dating works and absolutely go for it today. Have fun!

It doesn't seem you're ready for casual dating, the whole point is you aren't in constant contact because you're not looking for a relationship and you hadn't even met yet, if you think it's a way to get into a relationship slowly, think again - what not looking for anything serious to man means he's talk when he feels like it, which can mean days/weeks and he wouldn't be just focusing on you and he's not that into other than physically, Of course he'll come up with excuses why you didn't hear from him! He's already done the hardwork of pursuing you for date, now he's gone lazy not because he's been stuck in a boat yard for 4 days. Expect more of the same after the date.

So he didn't reply to you on Saturday evening in few hours so you took it as a sign of him not really being interested. Turns out he was out being Saturday. I think you are overthinking and overinvesting. I did online dating for 3 years and met with hundreds of men and my way of dating changed along the way. I think one of the most important things is to not overthink it. Just chat with someone for a bit, meet them face to face to determine if there's anything IRL to continue pursuing, and if not then move on. Chatting with someone enormously for days just creates false hopes/expectations that are then difficult to turn into face to face connection. And like in this case him being busy with other things turns to a sign of him not being that interested. Don't make the meeting into something big/important in your head. Until you meet someone face to face he shouldn't have that much of importance to you.

Thanks everyone. Good to hear some outside perspective. I think my last relationship has definitely made me overly wary and I guess I'm keen not to miss/avoid potential red flags in future.

I agree that I need to relax a bit about it and yes, this is the frustration of texting I guess.

I think it’s fine. I have had that happen. I assumed one date was off as the guy had gone quiet and not confirmed. I heard from him on the day, we met up and ended up going out together for a year. See how it goes!