Online dating question - What would you say if a man did this?

[mom2daisypie]

I'll start by saying I'm not looking to get into a serious relationship at the moment. I'm embracing my newly single status and have decided that as part of rebuilding my confidence and faith in humanity, I'm going to keep an open mind, and dip my toe very cautiously into chatting to new people. I joined the free Facebook dating section out of curiosity and was pleasantly surprised that despite my initial reservations, there were actually a few people who I found funny, interesting and attractive. I'd been chatting to one guy for a few days via FB dating when he asked if I'd mind giving him my number so we could use WhatsApp instead. I agreed and we were texting daily for about a week. We have the exact same sense of humour and really seemed to hit it off. I was honest about not being sure when I'd be ready for a serious relationship again and he agreed that he's in a very similar place right now, so we continued to make each other laugh and give each other a glimpse into our daily lives.

He asked whether I'd consider meeting for a coffee and I said I wasn't sure. A few days later (Tuesday just gone) he asked if I'd given it any more thought and I decided what harm can a coffee do. We live 2 hours apart and he offered to drive over nearer me. We chose a place and time. This Sunday at 2pm. He said he was really looking forward to meeting me, even if we decide to be friends, he's enjoyed our chats and thanked me.

I heard nothing more. Radio silence. So 4 days passed. In that time I've been assuming it's not happening and have been feeling mixed about it, as up until the date was arranged we'd spoken daily and the last thing I need in my life is a man who sends mixed signals.
This evening he finally text me saying "How are you feeling about tomorrow? all still ok?".

I'm unsure whether to mention the fact theres been silence for 4 days and that I wasn't sure whether the coffee was still happening or give him the benefit of the doubt and not overreact? I know some people don't feel the need to message daily but we'd spoken daily up until arranging the date?

I'm very rusty when it comes to dating so any thoughts, positive or negative would be appreciated.

Hi comms sound normal to me. You chatted a bit, arranged to meet and he checked all OK beforehand. All pretty standard.The distance is not ideal but you knew about that anyway. Just meet and see. It's only a coffee and at this point you just need to see if there's a connection.

Go and have a coffee OP but if you’re going to date then you need a thicker skin, chill out and not to bite if you don’t get an immediate response.

I’ll be honest, if I’d been out and got the message you sent because I hadn’t replied in a couple of hours, I would have seen red flags, cancelled and unmatched. I’ve had men chase me for not replying quickly enough and it’s always a red flag to me of how it would be going forward.

Hope today goes well but just take first dates as a coffee/drink with a new friend without expectations and see how it feels.

When I did online dating, I always dropped contact when a meeting had been arranged. It sort of felt a bit odd to keep texting when we'd arranged to meet and, in the days before constant contact was possible, it was quite common to arrange a date with someone you'd just met for the following week and have no further contact in between.

I'd have still met with a message to confirm in advance of the day if I'd felt I still wanted to meet that person irl.

If nothing else, it's a conversation with someone I wouldn't have had a conversation with otherwise, I might learn something new, gain a new perspective, have a laugh, gain a better insight into what I was/wasn't looking for in someone.

I had some great first dates doing OLD. Most of them didn't evolve into a second - mainly because I wasn't interested - but it doesn't mean I didn't enjoy them for what they were at the time. I just likened them to a chat with a stranger in a pub!

I wouldn't think anything of a few hours delay in replying.

I'd assume they were either busy or had changed their mind.

I wouldn't have messaged again either way. If they're busy, they'll get in touch when they can. If they've changed their mind, we'll there's always something I could do with my time instead.

Tbh, when I was OLD, if someone complained abut the amount of time it had taken me to reply to a text, I wouldn't have met them because I have a life with stuff going on. That would make me feel that they were going to he too demanding of my time and expect to be my top priority - you haven't even met him yet!

Arranging to meet up with a stranger should be going on in the background of your life not at the forefront of it. Like an app that is still open and processing in the background rather than one you have open and are actively engaging with.

When I was dating I would call them and in that first call ( assuming the chat was ok ) arrange a face to face
for me there was no point in text back and forth as you know within a few seconds of meeting face to face if it works
slso I would never bother with anyone who was hours away
nothing ventured , nothing gained
take sensible safety precautions but most importantly relax and have fun

Last one!

Put it this way, OP.

Imagine you'd met a woman on a night out, got on well and exchanged numbers. You'd texted a bit and arranged to meet for a coffee.

Would you expect to carry on texting in between or would you wait for the coffee? Would you cancel if you'd confirmed and didn't hear back from her for a couple of hours? Or would you assume she was busy akd would get back to you when she could?

At this stage, he's no more to you than that.

Yes, you were vastly over-thinking this. How did it go?

How was the date OP??

his behaviour sounds nice and normal, you on the other hand are overly invested in a total stranger. You don't know this man from adam, it's just a coffee, relax, keep it light and simple. I always reccomend a half hour video call on wassap before meeting anyone, it will save you from an hour driving and a few akward dates. good luck.

How did it go OP?

Hey OP
I do a lot of on line dating ..
Was like you initially, not wanting anything serious, I do feel from your posts though that casual isn’t for you ? , It turned out, eventhough I though casual was what I was looking for , it wasn’t really & I use to end up just feeling lonely … ..
Go for coffee .. See how it goes .. x

Seriously .. I gave up online dating 18 months ago...
Be on your own , get new hobbies , meet people in the real sense if you like.
All the do's and don'ts how often to text dont text too much you hear from people then you don't .. he is probably dating messaging other people not just you.
2hours just for a coffee no but that's only my opinion.

So did you go for the coffee , how did it go ??

OP, are you still on the date?

😅

Need an update on this coffee date! ☺️

@mom2daisypie Hope it went well today.

Treat this as a clean slate OP. Don't bring baggage from old relationships, even if it doesn't work out, let that be on it's own merit.
He shouldn't be checking up and convincing you to go on the date.

You're either ready to date or you're not.

My now DH did this, we messaged for a while then made a date. Didn't hear from him all week.
I didn't text either and went to meet where we'd arranged.

After I mentioned the silence, he was of the thought that since we'd made a date, we didn't need to keep chatting until then, and if the date worked out, then more chatting, if not, move on.

We've been married 7 years now and I'd also come from 2 bad relationships before him.

Good luck but try not to overthink it.

We need an update afterwards please!

Hi all,
So we met for coffee and chatted for a couple of hours. It was all fine, but sadly I just didn't feel any attraction or spark in person which I really thought I would! I found him attractive in various photos and he made me laugh over text , so Im a bit gutted but I guess it shows the importance of getting together face to face as soon as possible.
I've been honest with him and said I don't want to waste his time but that I really enjoyed the afternoon.

You were all right about being a bit more laid back on the whole messaging thing. This dating stuff really is full of lessons!

I wouldn't have gone after he ghosted for a few days! F that.

Write a list of what you're looking for and stick to it.

I did that and found my bf who is a gent with the nicest friends and family x

When it comes to OLD, some people speak frequently until an inperson date is arranged, and then they slow down communication until that date. I think they see the pretalk as an assessment to see if a date might be a good idea and that's it. They don't think you can assess compatibility much further than that over texts. The downside of that is that you can have more awful first dates with people you would have blocked if you spoke more to them beforehand.

Others continue the same level of communication throughout because I think they think you can further assess compatibility. You might be literally texting on your way to the date. And there has been times for myself and others where we've arranged a date, kept talking, and things have gone badly enough for the date to get cancelled. I do wonder sometimes if the limitations of texting has caused a miscommunication that would not have occurred if we waited to meet.

It's probably best to discuss how you preder to do things because miscommunication can occur. I also think it's a good idea to be flexible to people doing things other ways at least some of the time. So if you're someone who doesn't text much before a date and you meet a good match who does, make a bit of effort.

Have you ever trued 'I really hate texting, could we phone'. I know phoning is a very old fashioned way of communicating but there were far fewer horrific f.... ups than through text. I know if you're 15 you have to count the seconds till the two ticks appear then hold your breathe waiting for a reaction. Over 5 minutes it's tears and over an hour you need suicide watch. Trying to gauge someone's mood through text is nigh on impossible so you can mistake jokey for flirty or sad for bored. Phoning seems to be considered as intrusive particularly if you are 15 but if someone can't be bothered to interrupt what they are doing for 5 minutes, do you even want to get to know them. This has nothing to do with texting strangers, just texting in general: www.sftherapy.com/blog/warning-texting-can-hazardous-relationship/

P.S. All that worry and strife for zilch !

Always do a wassap video call before, it saves you from a one hour journey.

Tbh OP even if you had a call beforehand you dont know til you meet face to face.

I chatted to a guy from OLD for a couple of hours several nights running and really felt a connection. The minute he walked into the bar on our date, my heart sank and I knew I there would never be a spark.