Husband said a diet would help

[Feelingsadandhurt]

I’ve been with my husband for 26 years. Married for 21. We have two children together. I had severe pnd when our youngest was born almost 16 years ago. I avoided medication for a couple of years but eventually started taking sertraline. The medication helped but I know I have not been easy to live with. I do not sleep well at all and rarely go to bed at the same time as my husband. He works a physical active job so goes to bed early.
When we met I weighed around 8 1/2 stone. Sometimes less. I was very sick with both pregnancies and was back into my normal clothes with a few days of giving birth both times.
We have not had sex for the last 4 years and I feel completely alone. I think I could cope without sex but I struggle to cope without any affection. He sits in a recliner chair in the living room most evenings watching tv. I’ve asked him to sit beside me but he won’t. I’m usually busy doing household jobs in the evenings as I work too. He will cook dinner or wash the dishes and that’s him done for the evening while I do everything else . I feel like im not a wife anymore but simply a cleaner and cook and general housekeeper. A few months ago I tried to be intimate but he wasn’t getting hard. He never wants to kiss me either . I am always the one to initiate any closeness. On Wednesday evening I mentioned what our life used to be like and asked him if he missed sex. I asked him if he would consider taking some viagra or if something else would help. He said ‘what about a diet?’ At this point I got up and left as I was so upset. It’s not the first time he’s implied I’m too fat to fancy but my god it hurt . Menopause has not been kind to me. I weigh just over 12 stone which I realise is huge compared to the woman he married but he isn’t the same either . He’s going grey and bald but I still find him attractive . He has a bit of a belly but because he’s very tall he still looks ok. I joined a gym a couple of years ago and lift weights a few times a week. I’ve been aiming to get stronger rather than thinner as I have some arthritis in my left ankle and the weight training really helps.
Is my marriage even worth trying to save ? I am struggling to lose weight but perhaps I just need to try to eat nothing for a few days to kick start some weight loss. I don’t think I can accept a life without any kind of intimacy for the next twenty to thirty years . We are early fifties . Part of me thinks marriage shouldn’t take any notice of weight but another part thinks he can’t help not finding me attractive anymore . I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anywhere to go and have suggested separate rooms via a text message when I was crying on Wednesday evening. I told him he could go and have sex with someone thinner if that’s what he wanted. He replied that he didn’t want to have sex with anyone else and he loved me. He never tells me to my face that he loves me.
I realise my ramblings don’t make a lot of sense but I am just so sad atm and don’t know what to do. Can my marriage be saved if I loose some weight? Is it worth saving if he’s so shallow ?

Guessing the easiest way to get rid of the dead weight is file for divorce...
I lost 20 st this way.
I felt fucking fantastic!!

It was incredibly unkind of him to bring your weight up in this context. Do you think he defensive because of the ED?

Could it be a bit tit for tat, rather than connected to your weight? He felt offended by the viagra comment so he shot back? But either way it sounds like there are a lot of issues in your marriage. Maybe couples counselling would help you to figure out if it’s worth continuing the marriage?

I think he just doesn’t fancy me anymore because of the weight I’ve gained. I had always been thin until late in my forties. No grey hair, looked much younger than my age. Menopause hit and suddenly I’m looking like someone I don’t recognise anymore. Surely loosing some weight isn’t going to ‘fix’ me . I can’t stop aging . Would he fancy me if I was old but thin instead of old and fat ? My parents are late 70’s / early eighties and still adore each other. I want what they have.

Perhaps. I think he was implying that I was the reason for the ED. What would you say are the main issues from what I’ve written? I think I’m so far in that I can no longer work out what the actual probelms are. I know I’m not completely happy bit we have a good life together if you ignore the lack of sex / affection. He seems to think everything is fine ?? As long as I don’t want any affection!

Someone who loves you but does not fancy you anymore would have had a totally different conversation with you. It would have been filled with love for you, sorrow for what had been lost and affection.

It would not have been the the sarcastic shit sandwich he served you without giving a damn if you choked on it.

When I met my first husband I was a size 6. I wasn't eating well and my mental health was not in the best place. After my first child I got back to a size 8 and after my second I was a size 10. When my second was a few years old my husband said he no longer found me attractive and he started to have 'difficulties' in the bedroom. My third child came along and she was 10 weeks early and I had sepsis. I went up to a size 16. Managed to get back to a 12 but the weight slowly crept back. I never got over being told he no longer found me attractive. It ruined my mental health and our sex life was non existent.
After a few other issues also happened I managed to gain the confidence to leave him.
I am now remarried to a man who loves me exactly the size I am. He makes me feel desired, wanted and our sex life is amazing.
Life is too short to start in a marriage you're unhappy in and with someone who doesn't find you attractive. You deserve to feel loved and attractive no matter what size you are.

I think some men really struggle with admitting ED and needing viagra implies a failure on their part. Confronted with it, his defense reaction might be to blame your weight when it’s not actually the reason. Not saying that this was a good reaction from him, but maybe something that can be worked through in therapy.

I would be hurt if i heard this and some men and women do lose sexual attraction when there is weightgain
12st isnt huge but uts overweight and sexual attraction cant be helped..im torn whether he said it to hurt you for the viagra comment or if his erection is genuinely from not fancying you. I think you need to have an honest chat without tears or storming off.

i dont understand, we have many posts about not fancying husbands because theyve put on weight and nearly everyone agrees with the op

we cant have it both ways

you asked what was the reason and he told you

yes it should be unconditional love but thats not the way the world works

Unconditional love is myth i think and men definitely love with their eyes.

Some men have a wide 'tolerance' or attraction for weight and size and some don't, their type is size 4 to 8 and that is it. He didn't say he expected you to be young or not gray, and gaining a stone would be reasonable with aging for you put on 4st. Some man may like his wife at size 10 or 20 but yours likes smaller bodies.

Of course your husband could just be saying it to retaliate and hurt you....!

I think I agree you need to sit down and have a proper conversation.

I'd be over the moon to be 12 stone and have a DH with a bit of ED but it's still working well as we have a laugh about it and are still close. No topic off-limits.

He may not fancy you anymore and that's up to him but he's not doing anything to help and/or sorting anything out.

It sounds like the marriage has a lot of difficulties. Sexual attraction, over the course of a very long marriage, shouldn't be the only thing that binds a couple together. You need to have fun together, have some shared interests and projects.

I'd have a proper talk with him. Say that this isn;t working and that you want to discuss the options for a better life for both of you, including separation or divorce. You need him to understand this will take effort from both of you.

I'd start by trying to rekindle some of the interests you had together - could you go to a gig of a band you both loved when you first started dating? Or a comedian who makes you both laugh? Or a talk by someone you both admire?
Maybe go on a hike together - train to climb one of the three peaks or do the coastal path or a part of the camino. Discuss places you'd like to go and jointly plan a holiday. Rekindle the fun and companionship of a long marriage. Make each other laugh. Discuss what you hear on the radio - from politics to documentaries. Ask him to cook with you.

Tell him of some changes you plan to make, including no longer being the family skivvy. You both work, so together make a list of all jobs that need doing daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally and share them out equally, with some being done jointly. Don't make this a punishment, Just be calm and direct - this isn;t fair and it is going to change.

As to your looks - what matters most is how you feel about them. If you don't feel sexy and confident having gone grey, you could colour your hair. If you want to lose some weight because you'd feel more yourself, do. Otherwise keep going with the strength training. You could work out at the gym together. I sympathise with you - AD medication just piles the pounds on some of us, and then menopause does the same. I was the same weight all my life, bounced straight back after both pregnancies. Then started taking ADs and the weight just piled on and never really left, even after I stopped taking them.

I agree with a PP that his diet comment might have been a snipe back at your viagra comment. Men are as sensitive about their prowess as women are about their weight. It's worth trying to chat and build a more enjoyable life in total - not just sex - before giving up on a marriage. It sounds very stale but that could be salvageable.

I feel so sad for you. He doesn't love you, or he would make an effort to make you feel loved, and that includes not saying hurtful things. Your body has given him two children for God's same - what sort of a man is he that he thinks he can throw out such an uncaring comment in that way. If he was concerned about your health etc, he could have gone about this in a sensitive, caring way. But he chose to put the blame on you?!?
Have you ever spoken to him about how you feel like a houseservant rather than a partner? God, you deserve so much better than this.

I think that telling your DH that he needs to take Viagra is on a par in hurtfulness with him telling you that you need to lose weight.

It sounds like this is about a lot more than sex. Why won't he even sit with you? Because you're bigger than you were 20 years ago? That is bonkers.

I think that sex would come naturally with a person who you spend quality time with and are fond of and have a shared sexual history with; It sounds like you don't even really talk to one another, not properly.

Remember that HE has to make an effort with your marriage, it isn't all on you.

Bracing for the pile on ... Right. Here goes.

That much on top of your original weight is a significant gain.

It's not good for heart & lungs, blood pressure, joints etc etc and as we get older then effects can be more and more severe.

For your health and wellbeing - lose the weight. Gym, dancing, swimming, long walks, eating well, friend groups, etc - it is possible and wise (without drugs).

The side effects?

You'll feel better. Brighter, more energetic, skin and eyes will sparkle.

And yes, you'll look better. Clothes look nicer, fit better - and you may find you're sexier and more attractive in general.

Maybe to someone else.

Agreed.
And for myself, sex can go to hell.
It's the husband I would be dropping, together with the weight.
👍

I’m in two minds,
\on one side I feel the way he said it it was hurtful
but I can also see from his side how it was hurtful for you to suggest viagra, without exploring if the issue was ed. Or there was something else going on,

weight is a very sensible subject for many, and mainly women answering, (by the way I’m female too) so they are thinking of it from a woman’s reaction to being told this. Not thinking of it from a man’s being told he needs viagra.

in addition, I don’t know how tall you are, but 4 stone weight gain, 50 percent of your body is a significant increase, especially if short. And the pp is right, threads on here where the male partner has gained proportionally this amount the responses are often if he loves you he’d lose the weight and he can’t expect you to fancy him. Like it’s ok not to fancy a man if he gains, but it’s heinous to not fancy a woman if she does.

As said though his delivery was bad, but I suspect from his perspective so was yours. Both hurtful , even if both true

a d the truth is we can’t help what we fancy, some people, men and women don’t care if their partner gains significantly . Others find it a turn off. It’s not really a deliberate thing.

Even if you lost lots of weight and he fancied you again you would still be in a crap relationship because his attraction to you would be your slim figure

personally I’d want more than that

It really is a lot! I know. I don’t suppose he can help how he feels .

There's a difference between love and sexual attraction, it's what separates friends and lovers. Op I'm going to be harsh here, you've listed about 5 excuses here about why you've gained/maintained extra weight. If that were my partner I'd be put off. I've been through similar but it was drug addiction that turned me off my ex husband, you can't help not being attracted to a particular trait in someone. Now don't get me wrong, he's a c u next Tuesday for how he's being, he should have had a frank conversation about it if that's how he feels. Ultimately it's up to you if you think he's worth the effort? Do you want to lose weight or are you happy the way you are? It may be that you'd be happier alone and staying as you are or with someone else who fancies you the way you are, I'm sure you're lovely as is in the eyes of someone that likes curves. Just whatever you do, do it for you and what will be, will be with your marriage 💐 You might decide to lose weight, feel amazing and sack him off for someone that has good hair and no beer belly 😉

Not surprised you don't feel sexy anymore when he's treating you like some unpaid skivvy.

But you assumed he had ed without even exploring that with him. You simply assumed that as on this one occasion, after 4 years of no sex, he can’t get it up and needs meds. When that may not be the case. There can be multiple other reasons it didn’t work in this instance. Even if it is ed, there is more sensitive ways to handle it. Just as there is over your weight.

i am not sure either of you behaved well here.

Yes I just don’t know if it taken as me being unkind/ I genuinely wasn’t trying to be nasty and he snapped back or if he has because he’s not attracted to me . Do marriages not all get a bit boring after 25+ years? He suffers with back pain and I do think that has had a huge effect on him wanting to do as little as possible in the evenings. I don’t know what to do? Obviously I need to loose weight but I think it would be easier if I felt I was still loved. It’s all very well for him to text me he loves me but it would be nice if his actions showed this too.
I don’t think I’m a demanding person. I don’t expect much from him. We don’t go out together often. He’s a farmer and hasn’t been able to go on holiday at with us for the last few years so I’ve taken the children away on my own so that they don’t miss out. If I didn’t they would spend all their life on the farm. Divorce in a farming family is incredibly difficult.
I worry I’m just going to accept my life as it is. I don’t know if I’m fat because I’m not happy or not happy because I’m fat. I’ve been avoiding going into the kitchen or going near food at all today. It helps that I’m suffering from a dreadful cold.