I’ve been with my husband for 26 years. Married for 21. We have two children together. I had severe pnd when our youngest was born almost 16 years ago. I avoided medication for a couple of years but eventually started taking sertraline. The medication helped but I know I have not been easy to live with. I do not sleep well at all and rarely go to bed at the same time as my husband. He works a physical active job so goes to bed early.
When we met I weighed around 8 1/2 stone. Sometimes less. I was very sick with both pregnancies and was back into my normal clothes with a few days of giving birth both times.
We have not had sex for the last 4 years and I feel completely alone. I think I could cope without sex but I struggle to cope without any affection. He sits in a recliner chair in the living room most evenings watching tv. I’ve asked him to sit beside me but he won’t. I’m usually busy doing household jobs in the evenings as I work too. He will cook dinner or wash the dishes and that’s him done for the evening while I do everything else . I feel like im not a wife anymore but simply a cleaner and cook and general housekeeper. A few months ago I tried to be intimate but he wasn’t getting hard. He never wants to kiss me either . I am always the one to initiate any closeness. On Wednesday evening I mentioned what our life used to be like and asked him if he missed sex. I asked him if he would consider taking some viagra or if something else would help. He said ‘what about a diet?’ At this point I got up and left as I was so upset. It’s not the first time he’s implied I’m too fat to fancy but my god it hurt . Menopause has not been kind to me. I weigh just over 12 stone which I realise is huge compared to the woman he married but he isn’t the same either . He’s going grey and bald but I still find him attractive . He has a bit of a belly but because he’s very tall he still looks ok. I joined a gym a couple of years ago and lift weights a few times a week. I’ve been aiming to get stronger rather than thinner as I have some arthritis in my left ankle and the weight training really helps.
Is my marriage even worth trying to save ? I am struggling to lose weight but perhaps I just need to try to eat nothing for a few days to kick start some weight loss. I don’t think I can accept a life without any kind of intimacy for the next twenty to thirty years . We are early fifties . Part of me thinks marriage shouldn’t take any notice of weight but another part thinks he can’t help not finding me attractive anymore . I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anywhere to go and have suggested separate rooms via a text message when I was crying on Wednesday evening. I told him he could go and have sex with someone thinner if that’s what he wanted. He replied that he didn’t want to have sex with anyone else and he loved me. He never tells me to my face that he loves me.
I realise my ramblings don’t make a lot of sense but I am just so sad atm and don’t know what to do. Can my marriage be saved if I loose some weight? Is it worth saving if he’s so shallow ?