Husband said a diet would help

[Feelingsadandhurt]

I’ve been with my husband for 26 years. Married for 21. We have two children together. I had severe pnd when our youngest was born almost 16 years ago. I avoided medication for a couple of years but eventually started taking sertraline. The medication helped but I know I have not been easy to live with. I do not sleep well at all and rarely go to bed at the same time as my husband. He works a physical active job so goes to bed early.
When we met I weighed around 8 1/2 stone. Sometimes less. I was very sick with both pregnancies and was back into my normal clothes with a few days of giving birth both times.
We have not had sex for the last 4 years and I feel completely alone. I think I could cope without sex but I struggle to cope without any affection. He sits in a recliner chair in the living room most evenings watching tv. I’ve asked him to sit beside me but he won’t. I’m usually busy doing household jobs in the evenings as I work too. He will cook dinner or wash the dishes and that’s him done for the evening while I do everything else . I feel like im not a wife anymore but simply a cleaner and cook and general housekeeper. A few months ago I tried to be intimate but he wasn’t getting hard. He never wants to kiss me either . I am always the one to initiate any closeness. On Wednesday evening I mentioned what our life used to be like and asked him if he missed sex. I asked him if he would consider taking some viagra or if something else would help. He said ‘what about a diet?’ At this point I got up and left as I was so upset. It’s not the first time he’s implied I’m too fat to fancy but my god it hurt . Menopause has not been kind to me. I weigh just over 12 stone which I realise is huge compared to the woman he married but he isn’t the same either . He’s going grey and bald but I still find him attractive . He has a bit of a belly but because he’s very tall he still looks ok. I joined a gym a couple of years ago and lift weights a few times a week. I’ve been aiming to get stronger rather than thinner as I have some arthritis in my left ankle and the weight training really helps.
Is my marriage even worth trying to save ? I am struggling to lose weight but perhaps I just need to try to eat nothing for a few days to kick start some weight loss. I don’t think I can accept a life without any kind of intimacy for the next twenty to thirty years . We are early fifties . Part of me thinks marriage shouldn’t take any notice of weight but another part thinks he can’t help not finding me attractive anymore . I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anywhere to go and have suggested separate rooms via a text message when I was crying on Wednesday evening. I told him he could go and have sex with someone thinner if that’s what he wanted. He replied that he didn’t want to have sex with anyone else and he loved me. He never tells me to my face that he loves me.
I realise my ramblings don’t make a lot of sense but I am just so sad atm and don’t know what to do. Can my marriage be saved if I loose some weight? Is it worth saving if he’s so shallow ?

I appreciate your honesty. God no I hate how I look and feel frumpy. I was a mini skirt and long boots girl when we met . Perhaps I need to accept that I’m the one who changed so I need to make the effort to look better ?

I think suggesting he needs viagra may have annoyed him, so he flipped the insult back at you!

It wasn’t so much that I suggested he needed viagra just that it might help? But I think he thinks it’s because I’m no longer attractive.

I reckon you should deffo lose some weight, about 80kg. How you do this is you follow the process here https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce and shell out £593.

If this is how you feel, then make the changes for you, not because of him. Sometimes life grinds us down, maybe this is a bit of a wake up call for you.

If you are already going to the gym, can you get a PT session to review your goals? Have a bit of an eating/food overhaul. A few small changes can have a big impact mentally and physically. Then work out what to do about your marriage.

Whilst I do agree with this poster that losing weight is likely to be great for you (I have a long way to go on that journey myself and already feel way better for starting on the path)... That doesn't mean it will give you the relationship with your DH that you want. He might not fancy you as much as he used to but it also seems he doesn't want to be close to you emotionally. No amount of weight loss can solve that problem. If you do decide you want to lose weight, I suppose the obvious point to make is this should be for your happiness, your wellbeing.

My DH fancied me more when I was slimmer and I'd like him to feel that way about me again. Yet even now I'm bigger, he is still lovely to me, compliments me when I've made an effort to dress up, is interested in what I have to say and wants to spend time with me regardless of my weight, gives that sense of love and affection... If I didn't get these things from my DH, I would be considerably less interested in his opinion on my body. In a loving marriage I would argue that these things should be there regardless of whether you've put on 4 stone or 10.

And a final point... just because your DH doesn't find you attractive doesn't mean you aren't still attractive. Please don't let the number on a scale and your DH's comment define you. Nor would I be surprised if his lack of desire were more complex than your appearance and weight. It is possible that complaining about your appearance is a convenient excuse for a more complex problem (male libido and performance can be tied up with a heck of a lot of shame).

Obviously I need to loose weight but I think it would be easier if I felt I was still loved.

im not sure this is ok, losing weight or not isn’t down to him. And trying to imply it’s his fault is no better than him implying your weight is the issue . And im fairly sure if he’d started crying and texting you to go have sex with someone who could get it up the replies would be he’s manipulative.

as said, I don’t think either of you covered yourself in glory.

Weight is such a 'funny' thing. When I'm a bit overweight I don't feel attractive or sexy. When I lose it I feel better.

It's not the weight on the scales that makes you unattractive - it's how you feel about yourself. Gaining weight can be a real confidence killer.

I'd think about working on feeling good about myself (I find eating really healthily improves how I look in so many ways) but for yourself.

I've just turned 50 and my target was to be a healthy weight on my birthday. It definitely improved my mood about turning the big 5 0 to feel good about myself.

I think your husband was harsh and you guys have a lot to work through. 4 years is a very long time!

I suspect a lot of women wouldn't fancy their husbands either is they gained 50% of their body weight- I wouldn't.

I think you hit under the belt first with the viagra comment after one failed shag. Saying a man's dick doesn't work feels equal to saying a woman is fat.

No idea why you're talking about your pregnancies- your youngest is 16!

As for him not getting a boner: the best night I have ever was with a guy who couldn't get it up and didn't let that dampen his enthusiasm for ensuring that I enjoyed the experience.

Sex doesn't have to mean a man's penis inside his partner's body.

Cmon op that’s semantics,

I agree with others I think it’s a hard one. Sexual attraction and love aren’t the same thing, you can be sexually attracted to someone you just met and have no feelings for, and you can love someone without being sexually attracted to them.

We all change with age, that’s life, nobody looks the same at 70 as they did at 25, but there are elements of it, like taking care of yourself, which are within our control to an extent.

Can I honestly say that I would still want to have sex with my husband if he gained a significant amount of weight? Probably not. I’d still love him, but would I still get that attraction and desire? No. And if he came to me and said we should use lube to get around my lack of desire I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t have made a similar comment to the one your husband made back.

It sounds like what you both really need is an open and honest chat about what the issues are, rather than you insulting him by assuming he needs viagra and then him insulting you back by telling you to lose weight. It’s a tough and very emotive thing to talk about, it is always going to be upsetting to hear your partner doesn’t find you attractive, but it’s something you would both benefit from discussing and getting out in the open to see if between you there is a way forward, or indeed to find out if you both want to find that way forward.

I only mentioned my pregnancies because I’ve been taking AD since the youngest was 3. I managed the weight and the AD before menopause hit. Also to explain that because of the Ad I’m not particularly easy to live with at times. I was back into size 10 skinny jeans within three days of giving birth. I’m really struggling being over weight tbh but not eating anymore than I used to eat when I was thin.

I’m sorry but the weight alone is not it. He’s really not helping at all is he. Here in solidarity.

I’m currently your weight. And was very slim to start with. My husband is in no way put off, even if he knows we both need to lose a bit. Normally there’s something else. How’s his weight btw?

It’s not the lack of sex ( although that’s part of it) it’s the lack of physical touch or affection. Is it normal to just sit together in the evening and sleep beside each other without touching ? We do get on ok and we do laugh together. We just don’t seem to be very physically compatible anymore. Perhaps that’s just part of getting older. He has never been particularly affectionate.

Also some of these comments are a bit ridiculous. Bigger people can still be attractive. Are you around a size 16? The lack of intimacy is cruel of him, doesn’t need to be sexual.

I’m a 14

To be honest for me yes in the sitting together , we have our own sofas . I have no desire to sit next to my husband touching on the sofa. I like my own space. I love him, fancy him, but no I’m I am not sitting snuggling on the sofa

Do you touch each other in bed though ? Do you cuddle ?

No one looks how they looked 20 years ago. I met my husband and I was at least 20kg lighter. He was also about 10kg lighter and had all his hair and teeth. We are all aging and spreading. I think he's defelcting because of his ED.

TBH, It doesn't sound like much of a marriage. You are working and doing all the housework while he sits on his arse watching TV and not pullng his own weight. There's no intimacy and no communication. I imagine you are very lonely.

Personally, I'd prefer to be single. That way your only cleaning up your own shit and your lonely because your actually alone. I think being lonely in a relationship is horrific.

Not really no, I mean sex sure, but no we don’t lay in bed cuddling. And we’ve been together as long as you.

I don’t have that either!

He's told you he doesn't want anyone else and that he still loves you! That's a good start! Over the years it sounds like you have both changed physically, which is completely natural ofc! But at the same time, it sounds like you have both become stuck in the same old routine, which I guess can be quite detrimental to keeping things exciting and sexy. You're not alone in this, a lot of long term couples hit a rock in their sex life, and its actually to be expected! You shouldn't have to live a robotic marriage without physical affection, that can be completely soul destroying and make you question everything about yourself. It sounds like he may be happy to, though? You should be able to have an honest and open conversation about what you both want though to move things forward.
I honestly feel your frustration as you've really been trying, and dont feel like youre getting anything back (in a lot of ways). Could you start a new hobby , one which allows you to meet new people, get time away, and hopefully a new perspective on the situation? Please don't blame yourself or your weight though. You are good enough!

I would say, you won't find out, unless you lose some weight. It would be of benefit to you healthwise as well. Why don't you buy a new set of clothes, change your hairstyle, arrange a romantic dinner somewhere and see what happens?