Didn't mean to hurt someones feelings

[RainingAgain3]

Got myself into a bit of a mess with a relative. Yes i know im a selfish cow. I've an aunt I chat to every day, either texts or calls. She's retired and lives alone. She chats to other relatives and friends as well.

She tends to be quite anxious and needs a text in the morning to let her know everyone is OK, then a text when I arrive at work so she knows I'm there safe. We'd text a bit at lunch, there's usually a big amount of texts from her, just general chat from what she's done that day so far.

Sometimes if it's very busy at work I might take my lunch later, so only get to text her something short. I can't tell her my lunch is late, or she starts worrying and fussing, eg it's bad for health to eat later/ you must have too much work to do so should look for a new job where there's less work to do.

Yesterday was really busy at work and I just grabbed a quick bite to eat, and had some work issues to sort, that I was quite concerned about. Usually on a day like that I'd have a chance to send her text a bit later. But I was so busy with what I was trying to sort that I lost track of time. Then she rang to ask if everything was OK, and said she thought something must've happened my Mum, or that I must've collapsed at work, and that if I'd even have sent a 👍 so she'd have known everything was OK.

I was very ashamed as I didn't want to have made her worry. I explained and told her I was sorry. She told me I didn't need to be sorry.
But has been off with me since. I'm off today due to the storm, and she'd normally be on the phone for hours and texting in between

I don't know what to do to fix things?

Your Aunt is being unreasonable putting this amount of stress and responsibility on to you.

I have sympathy that she is obviously struggling with mental health/anxiety issues however she needs to get some help rather than continuing with these habits that are unhealthy for all involved.

You should not feel that you have to check in with her multiple times a day and you are within your rights to tell her gently that you love her but you’re finding her behaviour stressful and overbearing.

Maybe have a chat with other members of your family and talk about approaching the situation with her about getting some help.

You can’t continue like this.

It's not right for her the require texts from you about your every move. Tell her if something terrible happened you will be the first to know..that no news is good news. And eating your lunch whenever you have time is perfectly healthy.
It does sound like you need to reassure her that there is no need for such frequent contact. Frankly it's not reasonable of her.

Is she like this with other family? Do you think she might need to speak to a counsellor or something? She obviously suffers from severe anxiety.

This is completely OTT!

A once a day text is much more communication than most people would have with a parent let alone an Aunt.

Keeping tabs on your movements all day, every day, is frankly insane.

You should tell her that this cannot continue and she needs to talk to her GP about her massive anxiety issues.

I'd tell her that I'd be happy to have a 5 minute phone call each evening when you've had your dinner and are rested. But NO TEXTS during the day either to or from her.

After a while if that goes OK.id dial it back to every other day, then a couple of times a week.

She is expecting far, FAR too much from you. It's not your responsibility to make sure she doesn't worry and she needs to figure out a way on her own to rein her anxiety in. You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about or to apologise for!

I have a pretty close family and I don't even text them once a day, let alone multiple times a day to reassure them that I'm safe. The assumption is that all is going well unless they hear otherwise.

She probably will need professional help to get over this, but get over it she must. Your work and home life must be suffering if she's on the phone with you for hours and you're spending your lunch hour texting her instead of having a break and you always have half your attention on whether you need to text her.

Frankly, if she’s been off with you, the loss is hers not yours. No-one, not a partner or sibling or Dc, should need a text every morning followed by another one when you arrive at work - that’s insane. You are allowed to be busy and to have your own life - you can’t have someone else who “owns” you like this: no matter how anxious your aunt is, this amounts to being controlling and it’s not OK. If your Aunt is off with you, I’d leave it a bit - you need to break this constant texting and phoning habit.

This is absolutely ridiculous!
I think it's wise to use this space with your Aunt being "off" with you to establish some boundaries. Her expectations of numerous text messages a day are totally over the top.

It's understandable she gets stressed etc if she suffers from anxiety etc, but that's not your problem to sort out.
She needs to go and speak to someone with regards to getting help with that.

Get some boundaries in place, get those established with her, and stick to them!

This.

Yes I'd agree she probably does need to speak to a counsellor. She's also very ocd about germs since covid, such as still wiping packaging, too scared of germs to eat out etc. But she'd have to see that herself. Sometimes everyone else can see someone needs help, and the person who needs the help can be the last person to see it.

No she's not as bad as this with other family, as she's not as close to them. She'd speak to them occasionally, and would describe them as a bit cold/uncaring as they don't be in touch very often

You're absolutely right. Thing is though, you couldn't even have that type of conversation with her, no matter how gently, (about it being stressful and overbearing) or she'd take it very badly, and be crying/nobody cares/world is rotten/nobody else is as sensitive as her, etc

We have a very similar situation in our family. Although you think you are being kind, you're enabling this anxiety and making it harder for your Aunt to ever deal with her problems, which will only amplify if you validate her behaviour.

It's like the way she views worrying, is almost like it shows how much you care about someone. She's said before she can't understand how certain other people don't worry, and how they must be cold hearted. She says she can't help worrying, and that it's because she cares.

I've learnt to limit what I tell her, as she'd start massively over-worrying. Even if there's something small I mentioned but didn't want advice, she'd jump in woth loads of advice, even when I'm already handling the issue and don't need any help with it. Sometimes the overbearing 'help and advice ', can be far more stressful than the situation

Your aunt is a narcissist and frankly I wouldn’t put up with this level of attention demand from a partner or parent let alone a more distant relative.

I think you are being very kind OP.
I’d encourage Auntie to speak to a counsellor because this level of anxiety is too much for her and other people.
and you could say that it’s better to cut out the lunchtime call because you get distracted by work at that time.

Your aunt's expectations are irrational. Checking in with her while you're at work multiple times a day are having negative effects on your job.

Tell her you won't be texting or giving your location any more. It's bad for your job and your mental health. You'll likely have to block her. She needs to address her anxiety with a medical provider, not use her family members like Prozac.

You're wasting your time trying to reason with her, or asking her to change. Just demonstrate what level of interaction you are comfortable with by your actions. Keep your boundaries firm; your aunt will have no choice but to accept, and will gradually get used to the new normal.

She needs professional help. This is far from normal and very suffocating for you. I'm assuming she doesn't have her own children? Is there much of an age gap between you?
I think you need to tell her that work time is just that. You don't get long for lunch and you're busy in between and work don't like you using your phone for personal business.
It's lovely that you're close, but I thinks she's using you as a crutch to get through life. And that is unreasonable. Sometimes close is too close!

I'd ring her and just explain it is too much to text during every day as you are very busy at work. Explain you'll text her after work M/W/F and then will ring for a brief chat on a Sunday. See can you get a phone buddy for her. Get her to contact Silver Line/Age UK telephone befriending service. You sign up to the Age UK one on their website and it's free. She sounds lonely. Hopefully this may help her. Good luck x

It’s not anxiety.

If it were anxiety she would continue to be in contact with the OP particularly considering there is an actual threat of harm from the storm.

Shes sulking because she hasn’t been prioritized and she’s punishing the OP with silence.

Op please don't be ashamed.

I felt suffocated reading this. It has to stop.

Contact with her once a day is more than reasonable. She is not your responsibility and with the best of intentions she is being selfish and imposing on you. It’s not healthy for either you or her. Can your parents speak to her and tell her to back off a bit?

They’re an adult. Leave it be.

Tell her that no news is good news and that she'll be the first to know should ther be a crisis. You need to establish the boundaries.

Seriously the comments on here. Adult and leave it be!

'Adult' isn't a verb, and people are showing her compassion while understanding her frustration.