Didn't mean to hurt someones feelings

[RainingAgain3]

Got myself into a bit of a mess with a relative. Yes i know im a selfish cow. I've an aunt I chat to every day, either texts or calls. She's retired and lives alone. She chats to other relatives and friends as well.

She tends to be quite anxious and needs a text in the morning to let her know everyone is OK, then a text when I arrive at work so she knows I'm there safe. We'd text a bit at lunch, there's usually a big amount of texts from her, just general chat from what she's done that day so far.

Sometimes if it's very busy at work I might take my lunch later, so only get to text her something short. I can't tell her my lunch is late, or she starts worrying and fussing, eg it's bad for health to eat later/ you must have too much work to do so should look for a new job where there's less work to do.

Yesterday was really busy at work and I just grabbed a quick bite to eat, and had some work issues to sort, that I was quite concerned about. Usually on a day like that I'd have a chance to send her text a bit later. But I was so busy with what I was trying to sort that I lost track of time. Then she rang to ask if everything was OK, and said she thought something must've happened my Mum, or that I must've collapsed at work, and that if I'd even have sent a 👍 so she'd have known everything was OK.

I was very ashamed as I didn't want to have made her worry. I explained and told her I was sorry. She told me I didn't need to be sorry.
But has been off with me since. I'm off today due to the storm, and she'd normally be on the phone for hours and texting in between

I don't know what to do to fix things?

That is way ott. You do your aunt no favors pandering to this.

If it were anxiety she would continue to be in contact with the OP particularly considering there is an actual threat of harm from the storm.
Shes sulking because she hasn’t been prioritised and she’s punishing the OP with silence.

This

Enjoy the silence and take this opportunity to not fall back into old habits of being guilt tripped to being at her beck and call.

You are not her pet and you are not the solution to her issues.

Do not apologise!!!!!

This OP.----

My god,.how the hell do you put up with this?

I'm a caring person but I could not put up with having to check in with somebody all day every day for the rest of my life.

You need to set boundaries and tell her you will text once when you go to bed at night and that is it.

Sorry OP but you are being taken for a fool

When you said you’d been a ‘cow’ I assumed you’d done something terrible! If your aunt is such a worrier, she’s certainly not worried about you now you are upset. And that’s a reflection of what is going on here.
Sadly, lockdown had a very negative effect on some people and they are still in it. Your aunt has stayed stuck.
How old is she and what is her health like?
Is your mum still around and what is their relationship like?
You can’t carry on like this you will burn yourself out. To be quite frank, does your aunt care that she’s taking up your lunch time when you should be having a break?
I know it feels cruel but you need some space.
I was very close to my aunt. My parents were both wonderful. They were all very close. They even went through their will with her. My mum died, and then when my dad did she went nuclear with me.
My dad was in hospice care and died sooner than expected in the middle of the night. I was next of kin, they called me and I called her. She told me they should have called her first as she’d known him first.
She told everyone I had conned them into making their will. She came to the funeral and sat behind me. When I turned round to talk to her, she walked off.
I cared for both of my parents and have a small family. They all took her side. None of them talk to me now, and I have had to hear that I coerced my parents and I am a terrible person.
I tried writing to her and sending her cards. I do know one of her friends, who told me she throws them in the bin. It still perplexes me.
I never ever thought someone I cared about could do that.

You can't carry on with this level of messaging. Most people only message that frequently if there's an ongoing problem/crisis in another's life. My Grandson is very sick so I am in contact a lot with my DIL at present but not so much at the moment with my other DC'S and their partners.
You say she is retired, did she need that level of contact before she retired?
She obviously does not have enough to fill her life and is focusing obsessively on family members and their lives.
There is no answer to this if she cannot see that she has a problem.
Retirement if you have your health should be a time to enjoy your later years, get out and about and pursue your interests.
Do not feel guilty OP, perhaps another family member could have a word with her about this.

Agree with everyone else, OP. This is a ridiculous situation and once which you should have shut down earlier with, "No, I'm not going to message you when I get to work. I'm at work."

By going along with it, you've communicated to her that this is normal and acceptable when it isn't.

As others have said, it's nothing to do with actually being concerned for your welfare, it's all designed to lessen her feelings of anxiety and that is for her to manage. At the moment she is managing her feelings by controlling your behaviour.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo I am so sorry, that happened, that is awful. Talk about making it all about herself! You were next of kin, being a daughter, unless your dad had specified otherwise, which sounds like he didn't.
She showed her true colours. There is no way someone just suddenly acts like that, her narcissism has obviously been simmering away underneath for years. I hope you've moved on, she's not worth your time at all. 💐(Sorry to derail the thread, couldn't read that and not acknowledge that comment).

You are not a cow, and you're not cold-hearted if you're not an endless worrier. It's very manipulative of her to suggest people don't care if they're not keeping up with her want for excessive contact.

Has she latched on to you because she doesn't have children of her own to contact (or maybe they're fed up with it and have set boundaries?) I too think this is an opportunity to set some boundaries of your own. Stop the "got to work ok" text (FFS I wouldn't even text my own mother that!) and curtail the lunchtime texting. She may be doing it from anxiety, but it's rubbing off on you and making you worry if you forget to message her. That's the point when it has to be addressed.

You’re in an unhealthy relationship with this woman. Let her sulk and have some space to think about why you’ve allowed yourself to be manipulated and controlled by her. Time to set some new boundaries. She won’t like it but that’s for her to manage.

This is mad. She is trying to control you by tugging at your heartstrings. You are obviously a very kind person, but I'd really step back from so much contact. You say she worries terribly. So what? That's on her, not you. You don't want to have a conversation with her because she'll sulk etc. Let her. It won't kill her.

She's totally over the top with her need for reassurance. I have a relative a bit like this and they have find my friends to see where I am. It annoys me no end but at least it lessens the need to check in with every movement.
Not a long term solution and the anxiety issue needs to be addressed.

@RainingAgain3 if we take the need for constant contact on face value and that it's driven by anxiety then you are currently buying into that and maintaining it.

You feel like you're helping her but you're not, you're only demonstrating to her that this is reasonable and necessary to keep everyone safe and to reassure her.

I wouldn't just stop doing this completely right now but I think you need to get some advice about changing this dynamic. Mind might be helpful.

Your aunt needs to know these are unhealthy and unhelpful patterns and are just increasing her anxiety with these safety behaviours.

Can you take this as an opportunity? Message to say, “look, as my work picks up I can’t take time out to send as many messages as I have done historically. You’re obviously ok today and don’t need me to text you, so going forward I’ll message just the once, and it will be when I have time- maybe in the morning but maybe later, when I get home. Ok? You will be told if anything happens so you really don’t need to worry, and we’ll catch up in person like we always have.”

Use her sulk to your advantage!

Do you enjoy having to account for your every move like this?
Personally speaking, I'd hate it and it would never have become a thing in the first place.
As much as we can discuss your aunt's neediness and control, think about what you get out of it. If the answer is 'not much' then it's time to change the dynamic.
She sounds really suffocating, like she's living a life vicariously through you. That's not good.

You’re a very kind person and astonishingly patient.

I was in a similar position with my Mum. Spoke to her first thing every morning and again at 6pm. Although I will say I wanted to know she hadn’t fallen. But I wouldn’t have committed to a set time during my day because, as you’ve found, that can cause more anxiety if it isn’t possible or even convenient.

Maybe you could say, “You know how anxious you are if you don’t hear from me when you expect to, well that’s exactly how anxious I feel about having to meet those “deadlines” when I have so many other commitments on my time during the day. You don’t want me to have that stress do you?” Then tell her you will continue to contact her every morning (whenever suits you best) without fail but she must not expect to hear from you other than that. You might call again some days but you cannot promise that.

If she starts with the “you don’t care me” nonsense just say you do or you wouldn’t call in the morning but you are beginning to wonder if she cares about you as she is causing you so much anxiety.

It must be awful to be as anxious as she is but I have a feeling reducing contact will soon lessen that. She will adapt to the new set up and maybe even feel more comfortable if she isn’t anticipating the extra contact throughout the day.

She may well be anxious but she is definitely self-absorbed and controlling.
This is emotional manipulation, pure and simple. She's a bully even if none of you recognise her as such.

Do what I want or I'll make you feel guilty and ashamed.

I'd hate for anyone to be so focused on me and my movements. I wouldn't want it from a parent, a partner, a child...anyone.
The thought makes my skin crawl.

She has taken over your life with her expectations of constant contact/messaging throughout the day, even when you are at work.

Even if she reacts like this, you still need to tell her that you cannot maintain this level of contact. It would be unreasonable for a wife or husband to expect this from their spouse or for a parent to expect this from an adult child, never mind an aunt expecting this from her niece.

She may be ill or just manipulative, but either way she is being completely unreasonable. You need to shut it down.

So what, though? She’s ultimately responsible for her own emotions. If you’re only going along with this ridiculous farce because otherwise she’ll cry, she’s manipulating you, probably unconsciously. Either have the conversation, gently but firmly, or just wean her off her dependence on text reassurance. Tell her you’re no longer going to reassure her daily that everyone survived the night.

The sad thing is she’s still alive. Her two DC live quite a distance away. I am close by, and I know she will be lonely.
I really loved her as well, we were always close even though she could be very opinionated.
I was 50 when it happened so it was such a shock, we’d never fallen out.
But that’s families!

@PeggyMitchellsCameo You're right there, you can choose your friends and all that!
I used to wish I'd had a big family, brothers and sisters. But I see friends that have and it's just fall outs and drama constantly. On reflection, I'm glad I'm an only child!
Whatever the situation with your auntie, she's brought it on herself. You can't expect to treat people like that and still have them around. You tried, she's being stubborn. Not worth your time any more sadly 💐

@PeggyMitchellsCameo saw your post about what happened you, that's terrible, heartbreaking. She is 70 and thankfully in good health. She'd be close to my Mum as well. She doesn't have any children of her own.

@all
She spoke to me again now, as before all you very nice and helpful people on here gave such wise advice, I'd contacted her as I didn't want any bad feelings. And I suppose I knew I'd be getting blamed for not reaching out enough as well 🙄I knew she was sulking with me, as she's done it before.

I will definitely try to get her to ease back on the texts, starting with the weekend ones. Could say Digital detox/ cutting back on screen time at weekends. Because to even say anything else that would imply too much contact etc, she would take it badly and turn it round that I'm the bad one, the whole nobody cares etc

@MoonWoman69 I'm an only child 😂 how I wish I'd someone else to stick up for me. But yeah, there can be a lot of drama between siblings too. I'm also a sole carer for my Mum, which isn't easy. And of course I get my aunt with all her opinions on this as well, and she also expects me to spend decades of my life caring. If I don't, you'd probably guess... She calls me selfish/cold hearted/you don't love your mum, etc
Always thought my aunt was fun and easy to talk to. It's only in more recent years I've noticed this trait

I'm sorry but this sounds less like anxiety to me and more about control. She is emotionally blackmailing you, sulks and gives you the silent treatment when you dont do exactly what she wants (where was her caring anxiety when she was ignoring you then eh?- you could have collapsed during that time too!). Then she tries to guilt you into thinking if you dont text her that "nobody loves her".

If this was truly anxiety then she would understand some if it is her issue and that a gentle chat isnt an attack on her. Anxiety doesn't render you incapable of listening to another person's point of view.

Way more going on here than "just" anxiety. This is about control.