Didn't mean to hurt someones feelings

[RainingAgain3]

Got myself into a bit of a mess with a relative. Yes i know im a selfish cow. I've an aunt I chat to every day, either texts or calls. She's retired and lives alone. She chats to other relatives and friends as well.

She tends to be quite anxious and needs a text in the morning to let her know everyone is OK, then a text when I arrive at work so she knows I'm there safe. We'd text a bit at lunch, there's usually a big amount of texts from her, just general chat from what she's done that day so far.

Sometimes if it's very busy at work I might take my lunch later, so only get to text her something short. I can't tell her my lunch is late, or she starts worrying and fussing, eg it's bad for health to eat later/ you must have too much work to do so should look for a new job where there's less work to do.

Yesterday was really busy at work and I just grabbed a quick bite to eat, and had some work issues to sort, that I was quite concerned about. Usually on a day like that I'd have a chance to send her text a bit later. But I was so busy with what I was trying to sort that I lost track of time. Then she rang to ask if everything was OK, and said she thought something must've happened my Mum, or that I must've collapsed at work, and that if I'd even have sent a 👍 so she'd have known everything was OK.

I was very ashamed as I didn't want to have made her worry. I explained and told her I was sorry. She told me I didn't need to be sorry.
But has been off with me since. I'm off today due to the storm, and she'd normally be on the phone for hours and texting in between

I don't know what to do to fix things?

She actually doesn't sound like a nice person at all. Does she help with your mum's care? You are the opposite of selfish and she is very unkind to tell you that you are.

Whatever you do, don't assume any responsibility for your aunt's care if she needs care in future. You need to lead your own life.

I’ve just reread all your posts on this thread and frankly the picture of your aunt that has built up shows she is totally unreasonable. She obviously has some MH problems (wiping packaging was proved to be unnecessary even during peak COVID and it is plain batshit crazy to still be doing it now).

The main thing I think you should accept is that you are not responsible for her, or for keeping her happy. Of course as a loving niece you want to do your best for her, but ultimately she is not your responsibility. She is an adult. Tbh you are pandering to her and reinforcing her dependence on you. Unless you make a change it will only get worse as she ages and her health deteriorates. You are not and should not ever be her carer.

You have needs too, you are entitled to your own life too. Someone needs to have a firm talk with her and try to make her realise how selfish she is being, and if no-one else will do it I’m afraid it might have to be you, If she cries and tells you how selfish and uncaring you are, you might just have to tell her that she is being very unfair and hurtful, you love her and care for her and are happy to contact her once a day but you have your own life to lead and a job to do and cannot cope with more than that. When she was working, would she have welcomed having to message/phone someone multiple times a day and be made to feel guilty if she didn’t?

She needs more to think about. Could you perhaps encourage her to join a club or volunteer in a charity shop, or something like that?

If she sulks that is her choice. Do not give in or apologise - you have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

The fact that you were worried others on here might see you as "a selfish cow" when you already do so much for your aunt shows just how divorced from reality she is, and is leading you to be. You really need to change things. Your aunt's needs and wishes don’t trump yours.

Because to even say anything else that would imply too much contact etc, she would take it badly and turn it round that I'm the bad one, the whole nobody cares etc

Ok, so you don't want her to think that you're the bad one and don't care about her. Let her think that!! Just...let her. It's liberating to stop caring what other people think about you.

YOU know you care, and what you're able and willing to do to show that, and that is enough. Her expectations of what it means to show you care are completely out of whack with reality.

She complains that nobody cares, but her behaviour is not demonstrating care for you. You're run ragged. Pressuring you to text constantly, and saying nasty things if you don't, is not caring behaviour. She may be anxious, but that's a her problem, you can't fix it for her.