why do people tolerate affairs

[MellowRedHam]

My friend's husband has cheated on her mutiple times, latest one is along affair. Why do people stay?

I take it she is aware he cheats on her?
If so, why don't you ask her why she stays?

I have a friend who has stayed with her husband despite several affairs ( one of which produced a child) because he is extremely wealthy meaning she has never had to work .
She says she is not prepared to give up her lifestyle or see another woman living her life.

yes she knows, and is always monitoring him. She says to keep the family together. Children arre grown up

Financial security.

Fear.

I just find it sad she is always watching

Someone I know constantly cheats, always has whoever he has been with (he’s married now). His wife knows but ignores it because, as said above, she doesn’t want to give up the cosy lifestyle he gives her.

Financial reasons .Same as domestic abuse .

Lots of reasons.

Financial security/lifestyle.

Childcare/not wanting to split the family up.

Low self esteem.

To save face.

Love.

Also cheating.

I couldn't do it

Mainly money/lifestyle, sadly.
But my friend who is loaded puts up with it, she just says she loves him… (even more sadly..)

I tried to forgive my ex dh affair as I always thought everyone deserves a second chance if they seemed genuinely remorseful. However, I hated the person it turned me into, paranoid , sad and resentful.

I left around a year after finding out and that horrible person I turned into went away as I walked out the door.

Maybe she's got a bit on the side too?

I have some neighbours like this. Actually think they're happy. Two grown-up kids. Neighbours are late 50s or early 60s. Both have other partners, the man more conspicuously (a younger woman; the tedious cliche), but when he went away last week she had a man of the same age staying over. I saw them in the morning looking at the potted plants in the garden and having a coffee and they looked happy.

The neighbours were also quite chatty and flirty with each other when they came to our house for a drink before Christmas.

Because often these me pick their partners carefully and groom them to accept or believe that they aren’t valuable or important and they don’t have the confidence to be on their own. I mean the very act of being a serial adulterer is disrespectful to your partner, so it hardly creates feelings of self worth about oneself.

I know that a lot of people are going to jump on this and say that their friends are fine with being cheated on but for some there would be a huge amount of shame related to admitting that you are devalued.

furthermore how many women are told to “keep the family together” when in fact it is the actions of the cheating husband that destroys the family

If the husband is very wealthy even less of a reason to stay together IMO. You will walk away with half. So why not take that and find someone who actually loves you. Mind boggling.

Unless you're extremely wealthy, it's still half of what you had before though. It's still a lifestyle reduction.

Also low self esteem/pessimism/pragmatism makes them think they won't find anyone who loves them.

(I think women in particular think that because of their age. They are told by society they are not attractive or valued the older they are...(and while OLD does not entirely represent the world of dating, it does appear to demonstrate that aspect, women on here consistently report only men older enough to be their Dads contacting them on OLD when they are past eg 50). So I think they think they will have no partner prospects or very poor partner prospects.

You can see this in threads on here all the time .. .there's one on here from a poster who's discovered a past long term affair (and who has some indications he may be a serial cheat); one of the first things she mentioned in not wanting to end the relationship is that she feels she's now "old" and fat and will be alone. That she wishes she's found out years ago when it happened, she'd probably have left then.

On another post - not about an affair but about dating after separation/divorce, posters asked why the op was in such a rush/felt under so much pressure to get into another relationship esp. given she has young kids who would probably benefit from her not having a relationship & moving in with a partner ....she stated honestly that she wanted to meet someone while she was still comparatively young, because she felt the younger she was, the better her dating/partner prospects were.

I know a couple of women in real life who demonstrate that mentality too - dating and trying urgently to get into new relationships with very young kids because they think their prospects will decrease the older they get.

There are obviously women who, post divorce/separation, do go on to who meet men around their age who are good partners and whom they're happy with etc.
But I think the ones who stay (alongside other motives) rate their chances of doing so as too low to be worth the risk of leaving.

Ethical non monogamy. Swingers?

Other reasons, they're scared/reluctant to be on their own (and, as above, don't rate their chances of meeting a new partner).

They opt for familiarity. If he isn't leaving them, nothing else about their life has to change and they don't want it to.

These are often long long relationships, with loads of history, kids (even if they are grown up) investment, entanglement with relatives; it's their norm ....they are too scared of the prospect of leaving/ending their norm.

(Which is probably quite a primitive/survival thing too.
I would be highly risky - in a primitive situation - to leave a known situation in which you have been comfortable - for an unknown situation. Especially so the older you get. I know women have income and benefits etc now but the human brain evolved long before these times).

Low self esteem and finances.

Good point.

Because some people prioritise practicality and security for themselves and their children over "love" & "romance" and honestly I don't think they should be judged for it.

I think a lot of women are pragmatic about relationships, and what they offer them. I don’t think a Disney version of love is the only option.

People have very different tolerance levels, and it’s easy from an outside perspective ‘I would never tolerate X, and if you do you are a pathetic mug with no self esteem!’ But then the woman you are thinking that may feel similarly about aspects of your choices.

In the two cases I know of (one my MIL) it was money.
MIL reckoned her lifestyle was better with his income.
The moment she could take her pensions, she divorced him.
In the other case the "D"H was a high earner (partner in an accountancy firm) and as his DW admitted his affairs turned her into a golddigger.

I agree and I think some people (esp those in middle age) honestly don't really care - as in their relationship with their spouse is no longer really sexual but they remain good friends and life partners so they just compartmentalise.

I think it can also come down to how people view their marriage - for some people it's the main course of life, for others it's just a side and something else takes centre stage.

Abuse

Trauma bond

Fear of being alone

Fear of poverty or loss of financial comfort/security

Religious reasons preventing divorce.

Wants to be with husband at all costs and is willing to tolerate cheating to preserve the marriage.

Jealousy. Not wanting to "lose" to the AP

Doesn't love husband anyway and sees the marriage as transactional. Happy to keep status quo.

Doesn't have a conventional view of monogamy and therefore doesn't view cheating as a deal breaker.