why do people tolerate affairs

[MellowRedHam]

My friend's husband has cheated on her mutiple times, latest one is along affair. Why do people stay?

I’d like to think I would be the same.

But

You don’t know that until is happens to you .

You might have to weigh up your options and be strategic. It’s not as easy as walking out the door like in your 20’s. Especially once you have children and financial commitments.

Breaking up is hard to do.

That's easy to say if you are not in the position of it happening to you. Most people would say they couldn't do it - until they are in the position, and then plenty do.

There are so many reasons. On the face of it, her decision doesn't make sense to you. But you aren't her and you don't know everything that's gone on/is going on. Perhaps you should view it as her having chosen the least bad option, all things considered. I don't think she "tolerates" it, I think she "endures" it because the other options are worse.

Because life and relationships are complicated and things aren't always black and white.

A lot of people don’t really love their partner the same anymore after many years and so it doesn’t hurt as much. maybe they don’t like sex much either.

Because sometimes life is more complicated than you think behind closed doors. Health problems, being manipulated into a situation where you are trapped, people who want to see their DC everyday and not 50:50.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

We probably all have the same wants but we prioritise them differently.

Why do people judge so much? If you have a friend and you know this is going on in her life, who died and made you God to judge whether shes doing the right or wrong thing, or asking what her motivations are or comment that you couldnt do it / couldnt understand it etc etc. Who made you judge, jury and executioner? Your role is to give her whatever support or help she may ask for. NOT what YOU judge or think she needs or should do, but what SHE feels she does. This kind of sanctimonious judgy crap is exactly why so many women wrongly feel ashamed or powerless in their lives. And I say without wishing harm on anyone, be very very careful. While you are sitting their all proud and judgy on your high horse, you may yourself be being judged forsomething in your own life.

I stayed with someone for 12 years (married) who constantly cheated and eventually left me for someone else. For me it was boiling frog syndrome. If someone suddenly started cheating it may be different, but some people are masters at manipulation. I was made to feel that I was over reacting, or crazy, or stupid. Despite being the MUCH higher earner, all my money went to him and he managed to convince me that I was bad with money, wouldn't be able to cope on my own etc. I was put down (but gently put down over a number of years) to the point where I felt terrible about myself but didnt even really recognise it. For context, I am in a very high powered over £100,000 job, but still did all of the house work, childcare issues i had to sort etc. I can say if he hadn't have left me I doubt I would ever have left. It was a huge shock but for me, as I was fortunate in my salary, suddenly realising I had money and could spend it and budget etc was amazing. Everything i had come to believe wasn't true and I am so much better off now. The first thing I did when my daughter and I moved into our flat (we had to rent at the time as he was very very difficult!, we have a house now) was buy 11 scatter cushions for my bed as I was never 'allowed' them before! I stayed because I was emotionally abused over a long period of time. I should imagine a lot of people are the same who stay.

Low self esteem
Money/logistics

You have to have a lot of strength, courage and support to leave.

Our ex childminder found out her husband had cheated last year and they split temporarily, however she wanted him back and eventually they got back together.
If they split she’d have to move (their house is beautiful), and she’d have a completely different life with not much money. They go on about 5 holidays a year. Some people just like the life they are used to and will put up with shit to make sure nothing changes.
She’s lost a load of friends over it mind. When they split loads said they didn’t like him anyway, and now they are back together it’s so awkward

I think it's easy to say you would leave if it happened to you, but we tend to say that not believing it will ever happen to us. I honestly don't know what I would do if I found out DH was cheating.

I am sure there are many different reasons people stay as PP said.

Family, money, lack of confidence.

I don't mean this in a horrible way but have you ever been cheated on? Because I used to say the same thing 'cheating would make me leave on the spot' but it happened in reality I became the woman that was weighing up what's at stake. You go down the road of 'we can get over this and I believe you'll change because you said you will and I can keep my life that I spent years building'.

Unless there's a prenup 😩

Usually not legally binding though, and still relatively uncommon.

the thing is, it’s a fallacy to think staying in a marriage where your husband is unfaithful means you are in control.

eventually when it suits him to he will leave, and you will have no say or control over it and be in a worse position.

I guess there is alot of reasons.
It's all good and well to judge OP, untill it happens to you! Stay humble

Maybe it's ok for some people... in other countries it's more acceptable.
When I lived in rural France everyone was having an affair.

Someone I know met her now husband,fell pregnant within 3 months,got married when baby was about 6 months old and have been together since

She has a good job but he works when he feels like it,has never done a day's childcare or housework and finds other women and shags about while she's at work

Not a year has gone past when he's not had an affair,she finds out,they patch it up and stagger on-Rinse and repeat for the last 24 years

He doesn't give a fuck about losing everything as he has nothing and she can't bear to be divorced,so they stay together

Sad thing is,their child has seen all this while growing up and history seems to be repeating itself

Fear of change
Fear of finanical impact/how you would manage
Fear of having to sell your home
Disruoting your childrens life
Not wanting to be alone
Costs of divorce
Embarresment

I think a lot of people put up with it because they have a good lifestyle and money coming in and fear a big drop in their standard of living if they were to divorce and have to run their own household as a single person.
Then there are the people who don't want to disrupt their children's lives.
And then you have people who possibly aren't that bothered about their husband any more in a romantic sense, possibly not having sex with him anymore, but actually get along well as friends and aren't that bothered if he's shagging someone else because they still have companionship and the above mentioned good lifestyle.
You have the "hope springs eternal" people who feel like they can forgive the affair. He's slipped up. It could happen to anyone over the course of a long marriage etc. He convinces his wife it was a one off, won't happen again, I'm so sorry, it'll never happen, the other woman is to blame, she led me on and so on and so forth.
And you have people whose husband has done a right number on their self-esteem, constantly telling their wife they'll never find someone else, they won't have any money if they leave, they aren't capable of an independent life therefore you have no alternative but to stay with me while I shag who I like.

Lots and lots of reasons for people tolerating affairs.

Wise words. Very true.

I think if you have a friend whose partner has affairs/ cheats and she talks to you all the time over a long period about his behaviour and is constantly complaining about him then it is bound to test your friendship.

Yes she deserves help and support but it's inevitable when you are getting told all the time about his behaviour and you are having to listen ad nauseum to how much it impacts your friend, then you will eventually get frustrated that she isn't extricating herself from.the situation.

I don't think it's being judgemental, if you are being used routinely just as a vent for your friends anger and hurt, not to think, and possibly express to her, why don't you do something about the situation then.

Yes I can see someone staying for the lifestyle, the ease of avoiding a nasty divorce and to keep your existing social structures intact. Especially if the romantic/sexual side of the relationship has waned.

I might even do it myself in a similar position but you can bet your life I wouldn't be staying faithful either if he wasn't. I'd deserve my own extra curriculars.