why do people tolerate affairs

[MellowRedHam]

My friend's husband has cheated on her mutiple times, latest one is along affair. Why do people stay?

I think there is a lot of judgement around women staying 'for the lifestyle'. Like that's OK then, the men can do whatever they want because you have chosen 'money'. For the vast majority of women, and this is based on my own personal experience and my experience as a separation and divorce support group volunteer, what staying for the lifestyle really means is that they have been ground down over a long period of time and feel they can't cope on their own (me). Or, they have given everything up to look after kids and support the man, and they feel that they can't afford to give it up. A man (or woman) who is a serial cheater is a selfish master manipulator who will say anything to get what they want. Deciding to split when there are kids around is never ever an easy decision. They is a lot of hand ringing that you do when you feel like it's you who is breaking up the family, giving the kids a life of a broken home, particularly when your husband is saying that he will change etc, or you're mad. I felt that if I initiated the split, it would be my fault, I should try, for the sake of the kids (usually something levelled at women rather than men!). I imagine most women saying 'I wouldn't put up with it' have never experienced it. I imagine that there will be a minority of women who stay purely for money, but that would be a minority. And even then, it would be a heavy price to pay.

Lifestyle to me would mean the children staying in their home with their friends living nearby and continuing in their same school, and swimming etc. it’s the children’s lifestyle more than the parent. (To me)

Sometimes I guess leaving on principle might seem like cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you are friends, your day to day life is harmonious and happy, you have a home you love and financial security, lots of joint friends and a happy family perhaps you figure that breaking that all apart just isn't worth it. You are never left with two equal halves with no loss of value. Breaking up a marriage, a home and a family leaves a pile of fragments that have far less value than they had as a whole. Sometimes in very LTRs and marriages people get to the stage where they feel more like brother and sister. They don't make one another unhappy, far from it. But one of them doesn't feel complete or fulfilled. Or just craves sex that the other doesn't want.

If they can get away with having their affair knowing that their partner chooses to ignore the signs and ask no questions for an easy life, then they will go along with that for as long as they can. Only when either their spouse or their AP gives them an ultimatum to choose (or just leaves them) will anything change. And too many people on both sides don't dare give that ultimatum because they aren't confident that it will go their way. They'd rather carry on in the compromised position they find themselves in, than either lose that person to their spouse/AP or lose the cosy family lifestyle being with them affords.

My friends husband cheats always has. She doesn’t care one bit, lives her own life does her own thing. She won’t leave her house, lifestyle or split kids 50/50. She also said she gets best of both worlds maintains her life, no splitting the kids and she said his side pieces can pleasure him as she’s no interest. I think some people genuinely don’t care and others it’s low self esteem etc

There’s the turning the blind eye situation and the discovering serial cheaters, staying, and expecting them to be faithful thereafter… as if there is any semblance of an actual relationship at all.

if people acknowledge things for what they are then fair enough but I don’t understand the living in total denial thing.

Usually low self esteem and/or financial dependency

Sad thing is,their child has seen all this while growing up and history seems to be repeating itself

Exactly. Children aren't stupid. They know when something is wrong and are unlikely to benefit from parents staying in an unhappy marriage. I think that when people say that they are 'staying together for the kids', it's usually just an excuse.

The marriage I am curious about is the one where one party has very little / no libido and the spouse with a much greater libido and actually (as opposed to people who are just cake eaters / excitement hunters) unresolved sexual needs / wants goes out and gets what they want but can’t get at home, keeping both parties <happy> but happy in the knowledge that the marriage itself is being hollowed out by infidelities, which neither says anything about to each other. I know a few marriages like this in my parents’ generation. When the kids left home, often they fell apart because the “holding it together for the kids” stage was over.

I don’t mean to say either person is good or bad for doing this - I imagine for the kids of the marriage it’d be bewildering, even if their parents thought they were doing what was best for them - or to make light of adultery, only that am intrigued by the pact of silence. Just one less domestic chore to think about.

Before we married, my husband (then boyfriend) kissed another girl thrice while they were studying in another city.
He also downloaded dating apps and chatted with girls and video called a girl once, but it turned out to be a scammer.
Chatted with a few models on insta but they didn't reply. There were other lies too.

I found out everything all at once between 1 and 3 months postpartum.
It was so awful because quite honestly, we have a great relationship. He always put me first and we hardly had issues.

My first reaction was to ask for a divorce but he begged and pleaded, said he stopped everything after we were married(this is true because I verified.) We had been married 1.5 years by that point, but dating for 12 years before that.

It's been 6 months and I'm not over it, but I've decided to stay.

1. Because we have a 6 month old and I don't have the mental or emotional capacity to care for him while going through a separation
2. We have a long history, I do love him and don't want to throw it away.
3. He has shown remorse and willingness to change. Comes home straight from work, doesn't take his phone to the loo. These are small things but he has started paying me even more attention, flowers, taking me out, spending time with the baby, helping out, making coffee even when i don't ask etc.

I'll take everything with a grain of salt and he knows he can't fool me again cause I'll watch him like a hawk. But we are working on the marriage because there is something to salvage.

Do i believe in true love anymore?
I did, but not anymore.

That's really unfair - domestic abuse can be incredibly complex involving years of coercion and control, to say its financial is simplistic and undeserved imho.

Yep. I had a boss who is 53 and has worked his way round the office from receptionists up to other partners at the law firm. Each year a different affair partner. Hi long term partner is 54 - used to be his secretary herself 19 years ago. She seems to know and accept it as she’s a SAHM and relies on his salary, and just seems to acquiesce because they have a good life style with 3-4 holidays a year. He also financially supports her kids of a former marriage. She seems happy with the status quo.

And if he’s had a particularly boozy shaggy time he just works from home a few more days and then they’re back to their normal.

Makes for an odd atmosphere as it’s a guessing game at work as to who he’s currently shagging. And I’d feel sorry for his DP but for the fact that she’s happy with it.

Seems odd to me but everyone has their line in the sand.

Reminds of the couple in their 90's who decided to divorce, when asked why they'd left it so late they said they didn't want to upset the children.

Waited till the kids were dead 😅

Not the same at all.

I was the victim of domestic violence and I was too scared to leave because of what he would do to me!

I got away in the end!!!