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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner’s adult child coming between us

68 replies

Anonymcnonomousface · 22/01/2025 16:23

DP has an adult son, he brought him up from a young age and the mum wasn’t/isn’t really involved - her choice. Son lives with his gf. He has a lot of issues, doesn’t work and has generally not made good life choices - I have some sympathy due to his background but I can’t stand how he treats his dad.

DP is very supportive but it’s not appreciated and son sees any attempt to give him advice as a lecture. Mostly he just sees him as a taxi and cash point.

Recently he’s got into serious trouble with the police and it’s likely he’s facing a spell in prison. DP is doing his best to help him but there’s only so much he can do at this stage.

It’s starting to cause real problems between us because I hate what it’s doing to his dad and all the drama involved. I just want a quiet life and am horrified by what he’s supposedly done. I don’t expect DP not to support him but how do I stop it coming between us?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 22/01/2025 16:27

If you want a quiet life then you need to leave your partner, he won't stop supporting his son on your say so, his son will always be there.

Notenoughcoffe · 22/01/2025 16:28

To me it seems as you Co omg between a sad and his son. Ofcourse he is doing everything he Can to help his son.
What is your problem with that?

Notenoughcoffe · 22/01/2025 16:28

Coming between a dad and his son..

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/01/2025 16:34

If you want a quiet life then you and this man should not be together any longer.

You will always come second to his son.

Original poster
Anonymcnonomousface · 22/01/2025 16:34

My problem is how much the son hurts his dad, won’t accept his advice and uses him for what he needs but gives nothing back in return.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/01/2025 16:36

This dynamic predates you and was created by both parents. He has over compensated for his son out of guilt and remains an ineffective parent. No one’s really looked out for this young man and it’s not surprising he’s now treating his dad like he does.

Original poster
Anonymcnonomousface · 22/01/2025 16:46

I agree that DP overcompensates but he very much is looking out for his son. He’s a very good dad but it’s not welcomed or appreciated.

edited for typo

OP posts:
Notenoughcoffe · 22/01/2025 16:48

Stay out of it i would say, if you cant be supportive.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/01/2025 17:01

It is horrible to see someone you love being treated poorly.
While DP thinks he is helping his son, in many ways he is not. This new issue with the police and possible prison sentence shows that this young man is ramping up his behaviour. If you are horrified by what he has done, I should imagine it’s an offence which goes against your own morals.
The only thing you can do is explain how all of this makes you feel. That is very difficult to see your partner being treated badly and without appreciation.
However, it is then up to your partner how he responds. Having a son in prison is going to be very upsetting and demanding upon him. However, without sounding cruel, it will give you both of a break in some ways.
His son will now actually have to face up to his behaviours and if he thinks he can be demanding in prison, he is in for a rude awakening. I am not without sympathy, but if he’s done something serious, then it has consequences.
It will be a very distressing situation for your partner, it is his son, he loves him, and he must feel torn up inside.
Ultimately, it’s up to you, but I would give it a bit of time and be there for your partner until the dust settles a bit.

Original poster
Anonymcnonomousface · 22/01/2025 17:01

Why do I feel I’m being made out to be the bad guy here? It’s not unreasonable that I don’t like seeing the man I love hurt and used.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymcnonomousface · 22/01/2025 17:02

Thank you for getting it @PeggyMitchellsCameo

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/01/2025 17:11

Anonymcnonomousface · 22/01/2025 17:02

Thank you for getting it @PeggyMitchellsCameo

Been through something similar in years gone by. Your partner is going to find it hard, and sadly, many young men who go into prison come out and reoffend.
That is not me being negative, it’s a reality.
Your partner will also face judgement from others, being the subject of gossip, all the joys that come with a family member going to prison. But if he can’t get through to his son, it is a wake-up call.
He sounds like a really decent man who is doing his best, and he already knows himself that his son is behaving badly. He knows, believe me, and it will feel like a failure. But many young people have difficult childhoods and don’t behave like this.
If this helps at all I have just read a great book by Mel Robbins called Let Them and she talks about it in her podcast, too, which is free.
It is actually possible, with some work, to let go of how you are feeling, as long as it’s not impacting you financially, and detach from your partner’s son. To actually find a way of not being too upset by his behaviours, supporting your partner and having your own separate relationship with him.
It sounds to me like you are both under stress, you are both decent people, and deserve a bit of happiness together.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/01/2025 17:13

Have a look/listen to this. It’s helped me so much through a different scenario but it’s the same premise.

ARichtGoodDram · 22/01/2025 17:16

It's not unreasonable to not like what you're seeing, but ultimately your partner is an adult and what he chooses to accept from his relationship from his child is up to him.

Your choices are to either stay in your relationship or leave it.

We don't get to dictate what relationships others have with people. Only what we do about our own.

And it can be horrible to see. I have a close friend whose partner treats them abominably. I can't make him leave him though. Only put my boundaries in place and hope he sees sense. You have the same - your DP will make their choices and you either can accept that and stay in your relationship, or you walk away.

WRIGHZY · 22/01/2025 17:32

I fully understand where you're coming from.. I can't stand 2 of the 3 adult children of my DP because of their antics (let's be charitable).. But the father and son bond is pretty unbreakable and you need to accept this.. You need to learn how to switch off without any mention of this nasty person.. I'm absolutely sure that your DP doesn't condone the things his son has done and would like nothing better than to throw him to wolves.. But right now he's feeling so very guilty that his son is a monster and has to help right now.. Good luck

AgentJohnson · 22/01/2025 17:32

It's not unreasonable to not like what you're seeing, but ultimately your partner is an adult and what he chooses to accept from his relationship from his child is up to him.

This

Original poster
Anonymcnonomousface · 22/01/2025 17:58

@PeggyMitchellsCameo i think the hardest part is that I can’t talk to anyone about it in real life because even the nicest people will judge.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/01/2025 18:21

Anonymcnonomousface · 22/01/2025 17:58

@PeggyMitchellsCameo i think the hardest part is that I can’t talk to anyone about it in real life because even the nicest people will judge.

I would talk to someone. At the end of the day, he’s not your son and you had no part of his upbringing.
If anyone does judge that’s on them.
People often find out anyway, and nobody has a perfect life or family.
If you can afford it, access some private therapy/counselling.

dontbeabsurd · 22/01/2025 18:50

I understand how you are feeling OP but sadly the advice you get from others is the right one. You’ll either be somehow able to detach yourself from their codependent relationship and accept that if you stay, the problem is going to be present in your partner’s life unless HE decides to change the dynamic. If you try to intervene, even with the best intentions possible, you’ll be seen as the bad guy.
I am facing a similar dilemma, where my partner is overprotective and hyper focused on his 30 year old child. The child has no incentive to live an independent life, their needs are met by dad. The child puts the dad on the pedestal and so they both benefit from this codependent dynamic. There’s no point raising this as an issue as I’ll be seen as a person who’s trying to destroy their bond.
The options are: accept or leave.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/01/2025 18:54

I don't think you're the bad guy at all op, your pov is completely understandable but you won't be able to change your partners or his sons behaviour, this is the cemented dynamic u til one of those two decide to change.
It you want a quiet life you won't get it in this relationship.

GentlemanJay · 22/01/2025 19:59

I don't think many parents would "hang their kids out to dry" when in their hour of need.

I can see your point of view. He's not your son so you don't have to be so benevolent.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 22/01/2025 20:00

What is he going to change to stop this?
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
Has he asked you for help?

Original poster
Anonymcnonomousface · 22/01/2025 20:08

No he’s very good at keeping it separate from our relationship but obviously I want to help and support him if I can. Ultimately though I think we both know nothing is going to change.

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 22/01/2025 20:13

Adult as in 18 or 32?

No one wants constant advice. Perhaps your husband can stop giving it so often?

As a parent of adult children, the biggest thing I’ve learned is to not give unsolicited advice.

Machya · 22/01/2025 20:20

OP, do you really want this drama in your life and to be associated with this?

Lots of women would think about it and realise this drama is unlikely to end and decide that they don't wish for the association.