Partner’s adult child coming between us

[Anonymcnonomousface]

DP has an adult son, he brought him up from a young age and the mum wasn’t/isn’t really involved - her choice. Son lives with his gf. He has a lot of issues, doesn’t work and has generally not made good life choices - I have some sympathy due to his background but I can’t stand how he treats his dad.

DP is very supportive but it’s not appreciated and son sees any attempt to give him advice as a lecture. Mostly he just sees him as a taxi and cash point.

Recently he’s got into serious trouble with the police and it’s likely he’s facing a spell in prison. DP is doing his best to help him but there’s only so much he can do at this stage.

It’s starting to cause real problems between us because I hate what it’s doing to his dad and all the drama involved. I just want a quiet life and am horrified by what he’s supposedly done. I don’t expect DP not to support him but how do I stop it coming between us?

Mid 20s. I think DP is learning not to offer advice but it’s hard when the son makes such bad choices.

If there were any other problems in our relationship I would 100% walk away but he is the best partner I’ve ever had. I knew there had to be a down side and that nothing is perfect, clearly this is it.

How are you feeling today @Anonymcnonomousface ?

Stressed! The events that the son is charged with happened last summer and he’s been back and forward to court since for various reasons, the waiting and not knowing and wondering each time what will happen is really hard to live with. Thanks for asking :)

If he is getting banged up, you'll get your quiet life before long. His son can only come between you if you let him and it looks as though your frustration with him is doing just that. How long have you been with your partner?

If you want to stay with your partner then you have to accept this is the way things are.
He cannot change his son. You cannot change him. Only they can change their own behaviour.

Sadly you cannot change the son - he has to want to do so. And you cannot change the fundamentals of his parent wanting to be supportive. What you can do is to step back a bit - focus on being supportive to your DP as he will be finding the whole scenario very difficult at the same time keeping away from the son as much as possible. If he does go to prison, you may find there are support groups for prisoners families that may help both you and your DP. If not try and find someone you can offload to as this is a difficult time for all of you in different ways. Having a child facing a prison sentence is simply horrific - sadly I know from experience - so please don't give up on your partner. Wishing you all the best of luck.

I think you need to decide what outcome you are actually looking for, and then be realistic about how likely it is. If you are hoping your partner will distance himself from his son or withdraw support from him, then you are asking too much and should consider ending the relationship. His son sounds disturbed and needy, and while that must be very stressful for you, you must see that it would be unreasonable to expect any parent not to do everything they can to help their child.

You may not like it but if you’ve expressed your concerns then there’s not much more you can do, it’s up to your partner. Sounds like you will have to put up with it or leave.

Sounds similar to my bil and pil but I read a great quote that said 'stay away from people who act the victim in a problem they created'. I can't help bil when he repeatedly makes the same mistakes and then says why everyone is against him and then blames pil for everything. Your dp will be like my in-laws trying to support and still parent/fix what they can but it's awful to have to watch them being treated so badly by someone they love

Unfortunately you may have to lead by example and remove yourself from the situation that is causing distress.

If your DP is unable to protect himself then he isn't really in a position to meet your needs either.

You stop it coming between you by just supporting your DP without making comment on his relationship with his son. It's that simple. Your DP will not need you to tell him his son is taking advantage or is a bad person, he has his own mind and can make his own choices. Unless you are directly impacted there is no need to get involved.

Second marriages and partnerships are never really the real deal. They are just add ons. Especially when you have kids, the very first partner you had them with, stays connected to your fate

IMO it depends on what he’s done/ accused of

His son will always come first ...always ..

If you can't deal with this you need to leave

The problems will start if he goes to prison and then comes out - I would hate it if he thought he could come to stay with you.

Sorry OP but I’d do almost anything for my child, even if they weren't treating me properly. The bond is that strong. I think you can empathize if your DH wants you to but really, the relationship is between those two

Oh, I hear you OP. I am in a similar situation though with different details. How can an adult child treat a worried parent who is doing his very best to help as a walking wallet, constantly demanding practical help as well as money, and asking for advice which is invariably ignored, and never showing a scrap of concern or compassion for the pain they are causing him?
Yet they continue, decade after decade.
I've never wanted my DP to cut contact or anything like that, but I would like him to find more ways of protecting himself from the pain of it, if only by accepting that he can't change the way his child behaves but he can say no to some of the demands, especially when agreeing is only feeding the problem.

I get it OP. I don't think you are the bad guy but I would give serious thought to continuing the relationship. I say this because unless you are planning to keep things between you very casual forever, never getting married or living together, then his drama becomes yours. He will continue to support his son, and you will both have to deal with the impact. Do you want to sit and watch this forever?

Its so hard to watch someone you care about being disrespected or abused by their family member.
Im having this with one of my oldest friends with her adult junkie daughter. I really have to keep my distance now as i find it so upsetting, but theres not much you can do.
I think you need to be careful how you talk about it, and talk as if you have compassion and hope that the young person turns their life around, even if you don't believe it

.

The son will see it as you coming between him and his Dad. He was there before you.

What did the son do?

We get one life OP & it’s a fleeting one, I think sometimes we think it’s a book with a happy ending an a heroine and a villain and righting wrongs but it’s not. Quite often it’s just whatever is written for you or you write on a paper.

Your partner is probably utterly horrified and devastated at the course his boy’s life is taking & a prison sentence & being at rock bottom. The guilt & emotion is probably all encompassing. There’s no guidebook for parenting & emotion sometimes takes over.. we also don’t all have the emotional hardness to parent the way we should & with discipline, boundaries and so forth.

You could suggest a counsellor, hope things settle when the son is in prison. Ultimately it is up to your partner whether he a) gets therapy b) is able to take it onboard and navigate prison and the demands of having a son released from prison & rehabilitating.

You either encourage therapy, work with him, support him through this and his son or step back.

We get one, short fleeting life. If you don’t want to support someone rehabilitating a young man and supporting him then that’s okay.

If you want a quiet life, I would be inclined to go and find one. Your partner could do therapy but I think it will take a long time & there aren’t guarantees.

You just don’t like the Son do you?

The situation is not going to change. In fact, when the son gets out of prison it’s likely to be considerably worse.

You can’t change your partner’s behaviour. You certainly can’t change his son’s behaviour.

Your only choice is: do you value the relationship enough to put up with this dynamic? Or is it upsetting you so much that you would rather walk away from the whole situation?