Partner’s adult child coming between us

[Anonymcnonomousface]

DP has an adult son, he brought him up from a young age and the mum wasn’t/isn’t really involved - her choice. Son lives with his gf. He has a lot of issues, doesn’t work and has generally not made good life choices - I have some sympathy due to his background but I can’t stand how he treats his dad.

DP is very supportive but it’s not appreciated and son sees any attempt to give him advice as a lecture. Mostly he just sees him as a taxi and cash point.

Recently he’s got into serious trouble with the police and it’s likely he’s facing a spell in prison. DP is doing his best to help him but there’s only so much he can do at this stage.

It’s starting to cause real problems between us because I hate what it’s doing to his dad and all the drama involved. I just want a quiet life and am horrified by what he’s supposedly done. I don’t expect DP not to support him but how do I stop it coming between us?

I think I would put my cards on the table. He's not done his son any favours letting him use him as a taxi service and cashpoint.
I'd point that out to him and ask him how he proposes to change things moving forward ... as his parenting style clearly hasn't worked!
Tell him you are thinking if there isn't change you feel it best if you leave.

Because they’re father and son and it’s up to DP how much or how little he wants to do for his son, not you.

You say you know nothing will change with his son, so it sounds like you want DP to write his son off.

We know what you say the problem is. You care that your "step" son treats his dad badly, in your eyes, but your partner accepts it. Nothing you can do but get over it or split.

I disagree that adult children should always come first. There comes a time when they need to be responsible for themselves

Bollocks. You don't stop caring about your children when they become adults

Everyone will be different. And different cultures have different ideas on how long you should "parent" I only have 1 son and I know he will always be my priority, your partner may feel the same OP so trying to come between this could cause a lot of bad feelings. So as others have said you need to accept this and be supportive or find a different partner. IMO.

It's totally up to you, and I can see why this is stressing you, but I think that you can only be supportive to your partner, not try to manage the relationship?

Criticising someone's parent / sibling / child to them is always going to be difficult for both people; even if person A knows his Mum / brother / son is being unreasonable and tiresome, A is still likely to be defensive and upset about it. And that makes it harder then to A to discuss with B how he is feeling about his relative, because of the feeling of defensiveness.

Of course you don't stop caring about them! But you have to let them live thier own lives and not be dragged into thier bad decision making at the detriment to your own life.

he sounds like any other teenager/ young adult. best way to gain your peace is to not get in the middle of both of them. his dad was his dad before you came along, so just step aside on this one.

From someone who is also living this drama, not just with 1 but with 3 adult SS's, 1 of which IS in prison. I can guarantee with 100% certainty you will never change them and you will never change your DH.

I suspect your DH absolutely knows and is aware of his childrens behaviour, but there will most likely be some past trauma surrounding him and or his kids, and your DH is terrified of upsetting them for fear of losing them!

I have litterally just come away from my very first therephy session where this subject is the reason for my stress and anxiety.

My DH's son's lie, manipulate, and abuse their dad, he knows it, i know it and they know it. I have tried for years to stop it, but all that happens is an arguement ensues, tantrams as thrown and ultimately the son's get away with their behaviour while i am left defated and hurt and blamed.

We have just agreed with a plan moving forwrds. I am removing myself from their lives. I love my DH with all my heart and it hurts to see the way they treat him, but, HE allows it! he's not forced into it, its a choice my DH makes. so moving forwards, after 13 years of this rubbish, i am stepping back. No more me sorting christmas presents, birthday presents, checking in, providing baby sitting, being a taxi and generally trying to be the glue. If DH wants to give/lend them money, they its has to be HIS money and not OURS. It's down to him now to communicate, arrange, organise. I'm not refusing to see or spend time with them, then if it suits me, i shall participate in whatever they are or want to do, i'm simply taking control over my own life.

You must make sure you know that this behaviour is not your fault, this is nothing you have done and it is not your mess to clean up.

Good luck

I'm not sure how many teenagers/young adults you know, but the ones I know are not going to prison. It must have been pretty serious to be looking at serving time given our prisons are currently filled to the rafters.

This ! The bond between parent and child is very strong

Maybe the son being in prison won't be a bad thing. Facing consequences might be a good idea.

If he does go to prison I’d be concerned that he will have to move home to his dad when he is released.

Is it drugs related? It sounds like it?

I really wish you could reply to individual posts!

To answer a few questions, we’ve been together 3 years and despite it being second time round for both of us it’s better than any relationship either of us have had previously, this is literally the only issue between us. I’ve no idea why anyone would say it can’t be the real deal unless it’s first time round 🙄

DP is going to look at counselling because he finds his son’s behaviour very hard to deal with - I’d step back and leave them to it (and I do as much as I can) but he appreciates advice and support because he wants to be there for his son but he hurts and frustrates him. He knows how hard I find it and does his best to keep it to himself but the stress is making him physically ill.

I actually got on well with the son initially but I avoid seeing him now because I don’t trust myself to say what I think and that won’t help anyone. So no it’s not that I don’t like him and this is clearly more than just him being a teenager.

I think this will always come between us to a point if I’m honest - I dont expect DP to ‘choose’ or ditch his son but accepting his behaviour does enable it and I think something needs to change. I’d be very reluctant to live with or marry DP because then these problems would be mine too and impossible to get away from. I’m just hoping we can work through it without it breaking us, it’s the one thing that could.

You can reply to individual posts. Use the quote button.

Why did I not know that?! Thank you 😳😊