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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband saying I don't make an effort with my appearance

87 replies

Coffeeaddict14xo · 21/01/2025 20:03

I've been with my husband for 8 years and married for 6 months. My husband says to me he hates my hair up and says he doesn't like some of my clothes. I tried to see his point of view and I don't really wear my hair up and bought my glam clothes.
Today I had my hair up and went to the gym. When I came back, my husband said stop wearing your hair like that and you don't make any effort anymore now you're married.
This hurt. I honestly don't think it's true. I get compliments from my friends and family on my hair, lipstick etc.
What do I do? I would never say something like this to someone

OP posts:

Greyish2025 · 21/01/2025 23:21

Coffeeaddict14xo · 21/01/2025 20:03

Do you actually think he knows anything about style / fashion or is he talking out of his ass?

Does he make an effort with his appearance?

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 23:22

Have a read of this. This is your future.

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

2JFDIYOLO · 22/01/2025 00:02

Excellent advice here.

Now tell us ... How does HE look? Is he buffed and groomed and dressed up all the time?

Does he ever make comments if you're going out without him? Doing something that doesn't centre him? Oh yes - when you go to the gym, away from him, where you do what you want and look as you want.

Does he criticise your friends, your colleagues? Try to put you off seeing them?

Is this him isolating and controlling you? Keep your eyes open. Be wary.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Downunderduchess · 22/01/2025 00:30

Hair today gone tomorrow.

He is trying to control you. Either set him straight right now or be prepared for the control to permeate all aspects of your relationship.

I have no time for or patience with men like this.

SnowFrogJelly · 22/01/2025 01:05

Tell him to do one

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 22/01/2025 10:49

my husband said stop wearing your hair like that
It's your hair, your body, your clothes, NOT his. He doesn't get to chose because its not his body. He's being controlling and it's worrying that he thinks he gets to chose what you do with your body.

Jk987 · 22/01/2025 11:43

I hope you're married to Brad Pitt.

trailblazer42 · 22/01/2025 11:56

I didn't even realise my husband really did this to start with...at least yours is being so blantantly obvious you can do something about it. I used to get the unsolicited 'I preferred your hair when' or 'You look better without earrings' comments and I ended up just falling into doing those things because they were compliments.

I like to make an effort and wear things that a partner enjoys but I'd never make myself uncomfortable because of it and you can't be dressed up every day. If you were going to an event with him and you turned up massively underdressed I could understand his concern but coming back from the gym would come a close second to feeling ill in my scale of when to look dressed up!

You're obviously keeping fit so it's not like it's coming from a point of concern about your health which I feel would be a valid time to raise concerns (not in this manner though!).

perfectcolourfound · 22/01/2025 12:03

You don't exist to look nice for him.
Ofcourse you wore your hair up to the gym. The focus there is excercise, getting sweaty, being practical.
If you want to wear your hair up 'just because' you can and should. He has no right to tell you how to wear your hair or what clothes to wear.
If he loves you, he loves who you are, and that includes how you like to present yourself to the world.
He sounds controlling. Don't let him start to control your life. Be wary of comments about your friends / family / hobbies.

Pumpkinpie1 · 22/01/2025 12:54

How does he look OP ? Does he make and effort or are his double standards showing?
Has any other of his habits been changing ? Script ?

CeceliaImrie · 22/01/2025 12:57

Show him some pap pictures of celebs looking like shit and explain to the daft cunt that nobody looks perfect or even half alright all of the time. God I hate men like this.

Pineapplewaves · 22/01/2025 13:00

Has your appearance changed over the last six months? Or is everything the same as it was a year ago?

pikkumyy77 · 22/01/2025 13:02

ShouldIEvenBother · 21/01/2025 20:22

Lawyer up because this won't get better. Now you're married he sees you as his property and you should dress how he wants. Before you know it, the control will leak into all other areas of your life, OP.

Yuck. How vile.

This. Leave as soon as you can. He seems to have waited eight years to spring the trap but marriage was, in his mind, the signal that it was safe to do so. This will only get worse.

MushMonster · 22/01/2025 13:14

Ok, he said it, you took reasonable adjustments. It is easy enough to get into a routine of heans, tshirt, hair up, which is boring. Not a red flag to me, as per se.
Now is his turn to adjust his expectations or bugger off. You cannot go to the gym in a nice dress, heals and hair and make up done. That is stupid!
If he cannot appreciate your natural beauty, enjoy you being relaxed and yourself around him, then he is not worthy.
Listen, if you have children, he will see you at your worst and more vulnerable. If you get sick, have an illness... it does not sound good.

Machya · 22/01/2025 14:56

You leave is what you do.
You tell family the truth.
You tell friends the truth.
He thinks this is how he can behave now that you married him.

You have married a nasty prick.
He has decided to show you your future.
You would want to be out of your mind to stay and have a family with him.
He is showing you your future, belittled, emotionally abused, and ground into the ground.
This is EXACTLY how it starts.

So many women trace their mistake back to instances like this.
They bitterly bitterly regret it.
They feel huge guilt in going ahead and inflicting men like your husband on their innocent children.

Tell family and friends the truth.

"I married a nasty prick and I need support to get away before I compound my mistake by getting pregnant by him"

Phineyj · 22/01/2025 15:08

Does he?

RausageSoul · 22/01/2025 15:11

What's his current hair and beauty regime? Maybe he could let you share his products etc. or his tips on how he prioritises self care?

TheAirfryerQueen · 22/01/2025 15:20

Yeah, I bet he looks just like Luke Hemsworth too. Dickhead.

Fuck off is the correct response. Both as an an insult and as an instruction.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2025 15:42

He thinks exchanging vows means he now owns you and can treat you as badly as he wants. He is no longer making any effort to impress you.

He is treating you badly because he feels he has closed the door on other avenues of life and his chances with other women.

I'd interpret his remarks as a case of projection and I'd suspect he misses the sense of freedom he had.

FinallyHere · 22/01/2025 15:47

Don't have children with this man

Sort out your independence, leave him and file for divorce. As fast as ever you can.

Good luck.

The13thFairy · 22/01/2025 15:49

You were together seven and a half years before marriage. Was there a particularly bad 'rough spot', nearly breaking up, making up again that precipitated marriage after such a long time? It's done now though, and you know that phrase, start as you mean to go on? He's doing it. This is how he means to go on, and he means for you to be miserable for the duration of the marriage. Marriages can be dissolved. Do not reproduce with this man. Good luck.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2025 15:49

I agree with everyone who has said this is a massive red flag, and you need to consider the future of the relationship.

Don't be suckered into staying by the sunk costs fallacy (invested eitht years, spent ££ on the wedding, how will I start again) or fear of "what will everyone think?" Tell your friends and family his mask slipped and you can never unhear what you heard.

HawkTUAHspitonthatthing · 22/01/2025 16:03

So glad im single. Dress how the hell i like. If anyone has an issue they can get shat on by a bird for all i care!

whaddayawannado · 22/01/2025 16:23

"What do I do?"

You wear whatever the hell you like. He does not own you, and he does not get to decide what you wear.

dizzydizzydizzy · 22/01/2025 16:25

So sorry, OP, but it sounds like the start of domestic abuse. Have a chat with Women's Aid.

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