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Original poster

Husband saying I don't make an effort with my appearance

87 replies

Coffeeaddict14xo · 21/01/2025 20:03

I've been with my husband for 8 years and married for 6 months. My husband says to me he hates my hair up and says he doesn't like some of my clothes. I tried to see his point of view and I don't really wear my hair up and bought my glam clothes.
Today I had my hair up and went to the gym. When I came back, my husband said stop wearing your hair like that and you don't make any effort anymore now you're married.
This hurt. I honestly don't think it's true. I get compliments from my friends and family on my hair, lipstick etc.
What do I do? I would never say something like this to someone

OP posts:
Thewifefury · 21/01/2025 20:35

@comedycentral thank you. Potato comment has made my evening. Laughed out loud on train. Give your fella a talking to OP about inappropriate comments.

PinkArt · 21/01/2025 20:36

I would never say something like this to someone
Of course you wouldn't because you aren't a controlling twat. So why are you trying to see his point of view (he doesn't get a point of view on this by the way - it's your body, dress it how you want) and make yourself more glam or change your hair for him.
This is the thin end of the controlling wedge. Stop it now before you're at the thick end.

Mrsttcno1 · 21/01/2025 20:39

If children are in your future plans then walk away from this one now and find somebody else to have that with.

Believe me if he’s winging already about the style of your hair & your outfits you don’t want to hang around to find out what he’ll be saying when you’re walking around postpartum where nothing fits right, you’re waddling around in an adult nappy, your clothes have sick/milk/sweat/food stains, hair unwashed for days and exhausted.

coxesorangepippin · 21/01/2025 20:45

Get rid

Of him

MsMarch · 21/01/2025 20:46

I just remembered a friend from my early 20s whose boyfriend had huge issues if she didn't wear heels, or make up etc. She used to tell me about this and I hated him before I even met him. Then they turned up in London for a weekend and it turned out he was a complete SLOB. Never wore anything except shorts and old, ratty t-shirts!!!!! I hope your DH is super super on top of his appearance, and takes your preferences into account too!? I bet he doesn't.

Meadowfinch · 21/01/2025 20:46

Beware OP, he's got you to the point you are legally tied to him. Now he feels safe to abuse you.

You need to assert yourself, take no notice of his nastiness and tell him to keep his opinions to himself

He'll either back down or get really nasty in which case you need to prepare to leave.

Honestandkind · 21/01/2025 20:56

There's a difference - not making an effort I can understand - although it's not a popular view on here.

This is not that, he's dictating to you what you can and cannot do with your own appearance. I ended a marriage because my ex-husband had an image of what he wanted me to be, and I wasn't it.

I'm remarried to a man who actually loves me for me.

Rare I'll say this, but you're on a countdown to your marriage ending. It's up to you whether it's 6 months or 17 years - and yes I'm assuming that everything else in your marriage is fine and you otherwise love each other.

As @Mrsttcno1 says, I didn't want to find out what my ex-husband would say after I'd had a child (he really wanted one) - so I didn't. I've now got a baby and I REALLY made the right decision.

Blueblell · 21/01/2025 21:02

You need to stamp on this now

LEWWW · 21/01/2025 21:03

I hope you told him to fuck off. BIG RED FLAG.

trifficnews · 21/01/2025 21:08

This is how I started to lose attraction for my ex husband as soon as we were married I just started to feel the ick the little bit of hair that stuck up at the side in the morning really really irrationally bugged me and I disliked him in some of his clothes because they brought out the ick more.
It wasn't his fault, he was just being himself as he'd always been but it was just the beginning of the end for me.
I just had the sudden onset of ick and nothing could change that.
Sorry op but I think he's just lost the attraction and that's nothing you've done or maybe he's attracted to someone else and comparing.

Scottsmumof3 · 21/01/2025 21:23

Is he laying the groundwork for the narrative of ‘I went off with someone else because you changed’?

is there a massive backstory that you used to be a Victoria’s Secret model and you are now 28 stone and rarely shower for whatever reason?

Twaddlepip · 21/01/2025 21:29

What other controlling behaviours does he show?

He's going to neg and neg until you break and do whatever he demands. That’s his plan, anyway.

Stop him in his tracks, now. Even if it costs you this relationship. His behaviour is worrying.

FriedaMer · 21/01/2025 21:39

comedycentral · 21/01/2025 20:25

I can guarantee this man looks like a potato. How dare he talk to you like that, he's going to erode your self esteem and confidence. Have you spoken to any friends and family about it? I'd be making an escape plan.

100% this. Emerging coercive control.

Anonymousmummmy · 21/01/2025 21:39

That’s so mean and cruel of him. Nothing constructive to say but sorry he’s doing that to you😣

AlteredStater · 21/01/2025 21:41

I'm afraid this is the thin end of the wedge OP. This is how 'it' starts - abusive behaviour. Seems a bit extreme to call it abuse now? Yes, but it starts out in this way, 'I don't like how you do your hair', so then you think perhaps you should make more effort, but then he moves on to other things, and it starts to run you ragged and you feel more and more on edge and more worried about how he's going to react, meanwhile he escalates things. Been there, done that, unfortunately.

yipyipyop · 21/01/2025 21:43

trifficnews · 21/01/2025 21:08

This is how I started to lose attraction for my ex husband as soon as we were married I just started to feel the ick the little bit of hair that stuck up at the side in the morning really really irrationally bugged me and I disliked him in some of his clothes because they brought out the ick more.
It wasn't his fault, he was just being himself as he'd always been but it was just the beginning of the end for me.
I just had the sudden onset of ick and nothing could change that.
Sorry op but I think he's just lost the attraction and that's nothing you've done or maybe he's attracted to someone else and comparing.

It could definitely be this. He's being so mean about it too

lemonchops111 · 21/01/2025 21:51

i would say well either i wear my hair up occasionally or i cut the lot off… its getting on my tits in my face all the time … he will soon love the up do

Catoo · 21/01/2025 22:06

This isn’t a good sign if he started it since you got married. He thinks he can get away with anything now.

You have to really nip this in the bud OP. And if he doesn’t respond well, I’m sorry to say you have to plan to divorce the fucker, because it will escalate.

Next time he comments and if you feel safe to do so, look at him and be clear. ‘ Husband, I don’t know why you are being like this but I am not going to tolerate you putting me down. This stops now. If you talk like this to me again we are done. I hope that is completely clear.’

TypingoftheDead · 21/01/2025 22:33

Sorry you’re being subjected to this, OP. I too wonder how he’d react if you pushed back, but suspect it wouldn’t go well.
This reminds me of a guy I used to hang out with (I fancied him, but we never dated). I stopped hanging out with him after I realised how badly he treated women in general (including his own little sister). He once said he thought all women should dress up and look good all the time, even if he wasn’t interested in getting with them. Absolute batshittery!

arethereanyleftatall · 21/01/2025 22:36

Op - your husband gets absolutely no say in how you wear your hair or what clothes you wear. It is entirely up to you. In the same way that you would never dream of telling him what to wear to the gym. The fact that he makes these comments at all is extremely misogynistic.

PickAChew · 21/01/2025 22:41

Well the way he's wearing his personality isn't exactly flattering.

As others have said, if you have no kids, it needs to stay that way. He will abuse you more.

Donttellempike · 21/01/2025 22:42

trifficnews · 21/01/2025 21:08

This is how I started to lose attraction for my ex husband as soon as we were married I just started to feel the ick the little bit of hair that stuck up at the side in the morning really really irrationally bugged me and I disliked him in some of his clothes because they brought out the ick more.
It wasn't his fault, he was just being himself as he'd always been but it was just the beginning of the end for me.
I just had the sudden onset of ick and nothing could change that.
Sorry op but I think he's just lost the attraction and that's nothing you've done or maybe he's attracted to someone else and comparing.

Or maybe he’s a controlling arse

Icanflyhigh · 21/01/2025 22:45

Have you married my ex?

Get shot of him.

I put up with it for far longer than I should have.

zeibesaffron · 21/01/2025 22:52

Tell him to fuck off - how dare he - this is nasty controlling nonsense that will get worse!

Put a stop to this now!

Britneyfan · 21/01/2025 22:57

Super controlling behaviour. I have been through domestic abuse and agree with others who say this is a HUGE RED FLAG. Please do not have children with him and seriously consider doing the Freedom Programme and speaking to Women’s Aid etc. You’ll probably think we are overreacting but this is really not ok and in a “normal” marriage you would not have to deal with being criticised for tying your hair up and wearing sports stuff to go to the gym!

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