How did you find out that they cheated on you?

[Gabitule]

(This thread is not intended to cause any distress so if you’ve been cheated on and this is a very painful memory, you should perhaps avoid this thread)

For everyone else who are perhaps a bit more detached from the pain of the betrayal, I’m curious to know how you found out that you were being cheated on, if you suspected it, how long it had been going on, etc.
I’ll start:

1. I found out my first boyfriend cheated because he told me about it once we broke up (for different reasons). He told me how, whilst I was working night shifts, he used to sleep with my best friend whom I had invited to live with us when she split up with her own bf. Cheers bestie! 😀
2. In my next serious relationship, I was unpacking my bf’s travel bag who had just returned from a trip abroad. Inside the bag I initially found a drawing of a man sitting on an armchair naked, with his penis erect. The name on top of the drawing (with an arrow leading to the naked man) was my bf’s name. When I confronted him my bf said that he had made the drawing. So he drew himself naked, hard, and made sure to name the drawing. Hmmm. I wasn’t convinced. I then found a hotel room reservation on his name and the name of a woman…I guess she was the real artist 😀.
3. the next one wasn’t very clever 😀. I came home from 10 days abroad visiting my family to find condoms in his wash bag. As we were not using condoms, and I knew for a fact that he didn’t have any in his wash bag before I went away, I obviously asked him about them. He kept responding ‘’I took the condoms out of my wash bag when we stopped using them’’. And I kept saying ‘’yes, I understand that, but why did you put them back in while I was away?’’. And he kept giving me the same answer about why he had taken then out of his wash bag 😂😂. He wasn’t even smart enough to come up with some silly excuse like ‘’oh, I was tidying up my ‘’man drawer’’ and didn’t know where to put them’’.
4. the next one hurt the most. It ripped my heart out. We were on a romantic weekend away and I noticed he was extremely preoccupied with his phone. I genuinely didn’t suspect anything but at night his phone was charging next to my side. I couldn’t sleep and a little voice kept asking me to check his phone (I knew his password, this was before Face ID). I looked at his messages for only a few seconds and saw some nasty recent messages from his ex, shaming him, calling him names. I immediately closed the phone without reading anything else. I couldn’t figure out why his ex, whom he had split up 1.5 years previously, was so angry with him. Perhaps she was crazy, just like he said 🤣🤣. To cut the long story short, over the next few days tiny little hints (like things he had previously said or bought which felt unusual) fell in place and I realised something was going on with his ex. I found her on LinkedIn and I contacted her….Turns out that they were having an affair, he took her with him during a weekend abroad for work the weekend before our romantic weekend away. I was too curious so I asked her to tell me more details of their affair. Perhaps I shouldn’t have done that as what I found out killed me. She showed me messages that he’d sent to her - for example I’d wake up early to iron his shirt and make his coffee and the moment he left my house he’d text her to invite her for breakfast to a posh place, a place he never took me to. Or he would buy me a book for Xmas but offer to buy her a designer bag. Once, he gave me a more substantial present, only for me to find out from his ex that he had actually brought the present for her but she rejected it. Lots of similar things. The extremely weird thing is that he didn’t want to be with her either, he just wanted her to want him. She was also very hurt. Sick man but I can’t ever forgive him, I hope he rots in hell.

Oh, how am I going to find out if my bfs are cheating from now on as everyone is using face id to lock up their phones 🤣.

I can’t think of others now but I’m sure there are more that I didn’t catch out. Unfortunately my relationships have a tendency of being cut short by external factors 😉. And, not that it matters in the slightest, but I am genuinely attractive, playful, tall, still a size 8… It amuses me that men would want to cheat on me

My husband told me. (two days after Christmas)

His OW had backed him into a corner, saying her husband forced her to confess.

Her husband and his dad were our ‘first foot’ on New Years Day, come to tell all.

Good God, these are the ones that get me the most.

Its one thing to cheat, it's another thing to go off with another woman. But to abandon your baby too for the sake of new fanny.

It's unimaginable to me.

So sorry that happened to you TheFormidableMrsC

Did you inform people of what these twats did?

I got a letter through my door from the OW explaining she had been with my now ex and her phone number. I asked my ex if he knew the woman’s name, to which he replied “no” as he was at work. I then took a picture of the letter and sent it my ex, he told me it was all rubbish and she was a head case. I called the woman and she had been with my ex partner, while I was staying over in a nice hotel preparing to be a bridesmaid the next day for my best friend with the bridal party - he cheated on me that night. And then came to the night do the next day (he wasn’t invited to the day event, but him not texting me all day pretty much - I knew something wasn’t right). It was awful. He said he thought she purposely got him too drunk when he finally admitted to it

How awful. The bastard.

I saw DH was following random half naked women on insta and said I felt it was disrespectful and to be careful as our kids could see. He hid his instagram from me after that, so I snooped. All the kids were downstairs in the hallway with him waiting for us to go out for a meal, I nipped to the loo and checked his emails - there was one in the deleted email folder to a furniture company confirming her name, address, phone number and that she would be in to take delivery of their new bed the following day. I did my best Emma Thompson in love actually and pretended everything was fine, then sat him down later.

It completely destroyed me - we are still together now but it took a year of counselling and him giving me complete access to everything. I made him tell his family and friends everything, and he literally jumped through every hoop to try and get back my trust. We are stronger than ever now, but he knows I will accept no more bullshit on any level and am quite prepared to walk away. I think seeing me so broken helped in a weird way, because he saw how raw I was and how much devestation he had caused.

Cheaters really should take note. Technology is a very good way to find out about infidelity. Anyone scummy enough to be contemplating it needs to think like a criminal and leave no trail!
I found out my ex husband had been having a year long affair with my best friend through the power of technology.
He had been doing lots of “working late” and had suddenly started running to get fit but despite these tell tale signs I was completely trusting.
He came back from a “work trip” and told me that he was unhappy and wanted to split up. Totally denied anyone else was involved and told me I was mad and paranoid to think he would do such a thing, and that this illustrated why he couldn’t be happy with me.
I was devastated but accepted that this was what he wanted.
He stayed living in our home (well my home actually as it was mine before we married) and refused to even leave our bed. Like a fool I kept cooking all his meals, washing and cleaning and even having his son round for dinner every week. I was hoping he would change his mind.
Eventually after a few months of this he says he has found a flat and is moving out. He had asked me not to involve a solicitor, had assured me that he wanted nothing and he knew (as had been agreed when we married) that the house was always mine.
Once he had left he then informed me that he had actually engaged a solicitor and that he thought he should get half of my home plus I should pay off his debts, which I had known nothing about, and the rent on his new flat until he got the money from the divorce.
Bear in mind that I was retired on ill health grounds and that I had been diagnosed with cancer a year previously. He was fully fit and had a well paid job.
I ended up having to sell my beloved home to pay him off.
When preparing to move out I decided to get rid of our old computer and before taking it for recycling I went through our photo files to make sure I had got all the ones of my pets.
The stupid git had forgotten that his phone was synced to our computer so every photo he took was there in glorious technicolour for me to see, and helpfully dated and timed too.
The first one I saw was a tree with a love heart with his initials, my (very rich) best friend’s initials and the date carved into it.
This was all the more upsetting because he had done the exact same thing for me. Clearly his wooing technique lacks imagination.
Then there were various photos of the two of them together, even a selfie of them in her bed.
Worse were the photos of them together with my adult step children and another friend so apparently I was the last to know.
The date function showed me that this had started a year before he decided to tell me he was unhappy. In fact the date on the photo of the two of them in bed together was the day after my biggest cancer surgery. My best friend had messaged me that day, sent presents etc.
To this day I don’t know how either of them live with what they did. I honestly had no clue. They should both go on the stage with that level of acting skills.

@Mittens67

So sorry this happened to you to you . Your story is a warning to others to look after number one the moment they move out and to get a solicitor straight away . What a cold heartless bastard . I hope you are ok now .

My ex husband whom I was with for over 8 years but married too for only 6 months just done the usual script that cheaters do, act different say they aren’t happy, don’t know why they aren’t happy, then it was I nagged too much or some shit, he had worked away for 10 days and was ringing me every day and face timing me every day, sending me silly videos like he usually did then he just stopped…. I barely heard from him and he was short in messages instantly knew something was up (made out he was asleep early or he finished work late) as he always messaged and called me everyday even when he was at work in our home town, he never actually admitted it to me never had the balls I had to find out from his auntie who couldn’t bare how upset I was from it all as he just went ‘weird’ and ‘off’ with me but I don’t know what it is with us women we have a sixth sense and know when something just is not right. Never in my life do I ever want to experience that pain again. It crushed me and even to this day it’s affected me in regard to trusting people and letting my guard down. I felt like a complete and utter mug.

@PainthewholeworldwithaRainbow the thing is that once someone tells you they are leaving you are in shock, and you still think they are the person you have loved most in the world so you trust them that even if they are leaving they will be decent about it.
What I learned is that once they decide to leave (and clearly long before that had I known) all bets are off. The person you loved is dead and this is a new person, an alien using their body, a complete stranger and you have no idea what they might do at all.
No, I am not ok really. I never will be tbh. The pair of them destroyed my faith in people, in friendship, in love, and although of course I get on with life I can never fully get that back.

What about his 2 year old? He doesn’t see the child?

Sent items in email…

The irony is if you had an affair he would most likely go beserk and treat you as the scarlet woman who betrayed a (now) decent, loving husband and either leave or try to force you to. So bizarre the mentality that it means nothing to them but when their partner does it’s suddenly the end of the world and a massive strike at their ego.

There was a survey done where they found that women would put up with their partner having sex with another woman but were more upset about an emotional connection, and the complete opposite with most of the men. I guess it’s bc an emotional connection signifies love and care and potentially leaving you for them and starting a new relationship, whereas the men presumably didn’t care if their partner was emotionally connected to the other bloke, it was more the fact they’d shagged someone else they couldn’t stand. Whether this was bc they’d then be compared to another man’s sexual prowess (ego) or that they equate better sex with their partner leaving (as that’s what they themselves value more) and weren’t bothered about any silly emotional connection - it’s an interesting finding anyway.

My jaw has hit the floor. Cousins?! Vile

Honestly, claimed as he was ‘adopted’ it apparently ‘didn’t’ count as wrong

Catching them snogging each other's face off was a bit of a giveaway.

The first one...I had bought a PC for my friend. When it arrived, it was quite badly damaged, so I took photo's of it and uploaded them our PC so that I could email the company (no phones with photo capability back then). When I went to add the photo's, MS outlook helpfully defaulted to the last used folder - which contained various pics of him naked with a hard on (unimpressive as it was). We split for 6 months, got back together and he did it again!!

The most recent... I got an anonymous FB message pointing me in the direction of his new amore, whom he'd lied to saying I was a nutter ex trying to 'ruin' things between them. Such a convincing bullshitter is he that she believed him and so I sent copies of screenshots showing loving messages between us and she still believed him. This went on for nearly 2 years. Yes, I was that stupid. It breaks my heart to think of how much I allowed myself to be put through. I'll never date again; not because my heart has been broken but because I just can't face having this happen to me again and as a PP said, it seems to be abundant these days.

@Christl78 No he doesn't see him. OW wanted my son out of their lives hence buying a house 750 miles away. We've not seen nor heard from him since. She is extremely controlling and he is extremely weak.

There was a hair clip on the bedside table. He thought it was mine so had left it there. Turns out it's quite difficult to talk yourself out of that one (he did try though!).

It only occurred to me last year, 15 years later, that my previous fiance had clearly cheated on me with the girl he got together with just after we split up. I fell hook line and sinker for "The Script" when I was clearly cos he wanted to be with her all along. Oh well.

Ah. The old 'posh wank' excuse. They're literally like children aren't they. Pathetic

That's inspiring. Did you have previous experience and certification to get on the masters course? I'd love to go down that route but my background isn't cyber

@NoEscapingMe thank you! I just had an undergrad in a humanities subject. My work was as far removed from IT as you can get. It was a massive learning curve and I found myself googling some very basic information at the start but I ended up with a distinction getting in the 90 percent range. I did it online as having 2 kids who didn't stray overnight with their dad meant that was the best choice for me. However, I made some great contacts and friends via the group assessments.

I've been through so many similar situations - and tried to make it through, rationalise the unreasonable, kid myself it didn't matter because 'we were strong'. Two marriages and a couple of other relationships. I did therapy after the second divorce, uncovering the reasons why I was such a wimp, and found Mumsnet during that time.

I wish this nest of vipers had been around back then! Marriage #1 was before the internet, though, and I was surrounded by idiots telling me to 'fight for him', whatever that's supposed to mean.

This story comes from Marriage #2. It was short: after we signed the register, he spent every minute trying not to be married while telling me I was a paranoid freak. We went out for dinner to a local restaurant. The waitress was surprisingly pally with him and also being very sweet to me. I went to the loo. A small delegation of the staff blocked my way, looking quite anxious ... "Are you his wife?" they asked, "Only we thought his wife was the other woman he comes here with all the time."

I tried to show gratitude for their courage, but probably came across badly. I didn't really know what to do in the moment! I'm still grateful, though, and am here to encourage any serving staff in a similar position to just DO IT!

Who did you study with?

This is exactly how I feel so totally empathise with you.
My partner and I stayed together after a week of him saying he was going to leave me. I never got to bottom of everything as was too scared to totally open can of worms.
Pathetic I know.
We had been together 30 years then and I was getting binned after asking him why he was somewhere with another women other than where he said he was. He was ruthless that week. It was like someone I didn't know and so cold and matter of fact.
We stayed together but I was never the same again and something inside me broke and just can't be fixed. It actually ruined the happy person I was as it destroyed my faith in the person I cared about most in the world besides our child. We are still together but I just plod on and pretend to enjoy things but I am ruined inside and would never trust anyone again. I have sold sentimental stuff he got me to pay for time off work when depressed (which he doesn't know) and thrown away sentimental stuff from friends recently which I regret as my everything is ruined in my life. On the surface people think I am happy but I am not. I pretend to look forward to holidays/outings with him which I used to love. I don't really get that excited anymore.