How did you find out that they cheated on you?

[Gabitule]

(This thread is not intended to cause any distress so if you’ve been cheated on and this is a very painful memory, you should perhaps avoid this thread)

For everyone else who are perhaps a bit more detached from the pain of the betrayal, I’m curious to know how you found out that you were being cheated on, if you suspected it, how long it had been going on, etc.
I’ll start:

1. I found out my first boyfriend cheated because he told me about it once we broke up (for different reasons). He told me how, whilst I was working night shifts, he used to sleep with my best friend whom I had invited to live with us when she split up with her own bf. Cheers bestie! 😀
2. In my next serious relationship, I was unpacking my bf’s travel bag who had just returned from a trip abroad. Inside the bag I initially found a drawing of a man sitting on an armchair naked, with his penis erect. The name on top of the drawing (with an arrow leading to the naked man) was my bf’s name. When I confronted him my bf said that he had made the drawing. So he drew himself naked, hard, and made sure to name the drawing. Hmmm. I wasn’t convinced. I then found a hotel room reservation on his name and the name of a woman…I guess she was the real artist 😀.
3. the next one wasn’t very clever 😀. I came home from 10 days abroad visiting my family to find condoms in his wash bag. As we were not using condoms, and I knew for a fact that he didn’t have any in his wash bag before I went away, I obviously asked him about them. He kept responding ‘’I took the condoms out of my wash bag when we stopped using them’’. And I kept saying ‘’yes, I understand that, but why did you put them back in while I was away?’’. And he kept giving me the same answer about why he had taken then out of his wash bag 😂😂. He wasn’t even smart enough to come up with some silly excuse like ‘’oh, I was tidying up my ‘’man drawer’’ and didn’t know where to put them’’.
4. the next one hurt the most. It ripped my heart out. We were on a romantic weekend away and I noticed he was extremely preoccupied with his phone. I genuinely didn’t suspect anything but at night his phone was charging next to my side. I couldn’t sleep and a little voice kept asking me to check his phone (I knew his password, this was before Face ID). I looked at his messages for only a few seconds and saw some nasty recent messages from his ex, shaming him, calling him names. I immediately closed the phone without reading anything else. I couldn’t figure out why his ex, whom he had split up 1.5 years previously, was so angry with him. Perhaps she was crazy, just like he said 🤣🤣. To cut the long story short, over the next few days tiny little hints (like things he had previously said or bought which felt unusual) fell in place and I realised something was going on with his ex. I found her on LinkedIn and I contacted her….Turns out that they were having an affair, he took her with him during a weekend abroad for work the weekend before our romantic weekend away. I was too curious so I asked her to tell me more details of their affair. Perhaps I shouldn’t have done that as what I found out killed me. She showed me messages that he’d sent to her - for example I’d wake up early to iron his shirt and make his coffee and the moment he left my house he’d text her to invite her for breakfast to a posh place, a place he never took me to. Or he would buy me a book for Xmas but offer to buy her a designer bag. Once, he gave me a more substantial present, only for me to find out from his ex that he had actually brought the present for her but she rejected it. Lots of similar things. The extremely weird thing is that he didn’t want to be with her either, he just wanted her to want him. She was also very hurt. Sick man but I can’t ever forgive him, I hope he rots in hell.

Oh, how am I going to find out if my bfs are cheating from now on as everyone is using face id to lock up their phones 🤣.

I can’t think of others now but I’m sure there are more that I didn’t catch out. Unfortunately my relationships have a tendency of being cut short by external factors 😉. And, not that it matters in the slightest, but I am genuinely attractive, playful, tall, still a size 8… It amuses me that men would want to cheat on me

Remember that a man will tell a woman anything to get into a woman's bed . My Brother and my Dad warned me of this as a young teen , also other men have told me the same . This is why they lie about the state of their relationship or their marital or relationship status .

Mine came home smelling of Chanel Number 5 . 😂

Probably you were helped by a female employee who’d been cheated on!

I found out after snooping (just had a feeling - he was working long hours, distant etc and I knew he had a porn habit)
I found his affair website account where he’d been messaging loads of women and arranging to meet in hotels for sex. Talking about what he was going to do to them. I was pregnant.

He denied it all and would never admit anything had actually happened but there have been other times I’ve been suspicious in the past. He’s probably more careful now but he actually doesn’t get time or opportunity anymore (works from home) and he’s 53 and his libido has seriously diminished.

Anyway, I got my revenge by having a brief affair of my own which I admitted to. I didn’t actually do it for revenge but bc I fell in love after being so unhappy for such a long time. H was very upset ( which surprised me as I didn’t think he’d care such was his lack of interest in me) he wanted me to stay and promised to change a lot of his behaviours (I could write a book about the crappy things he’s done to me)

A year on he has changed a lot and has become almost like the perfect husband.

I’ve never felt the same about him though - I used to love him so much 😞

@Christl78 it was just sex apparently.. treating those women as objects. I suspect he's also autistic and shows very little compassion for his actions. He's also obviously got some very strong grandiose narcissistic tendencies needing his ego stroked. I see through him for what he was and that set in the resentment towards me and the game was up. I also discovered he did the same to his first wife - his son once warned me years before when our children were babies and he totally brushed it off 🫤 it was all true of course. Once a cheater always a cheater, as well as a compulsive liar and a c*nt.

She emailed me a picture of him and her together in bed, she was also his cousin. Had less morals or boundaries than even I thought

I wondered about having my own affair, we are rebuilding but I dont think he will ever really know how much it hurt unless he goes through it.

My DH is heading towards 50 and is not as attractive/ desirable as he was, he has been the 'perfect husband & father' since I found out.
I look at him and I don't love him like I did either.

On the plus side it gave me the kick up the arse to enforce 50/50 on all the daily stuff. Get fit, rebuild myself so I could walk away if necessary.

What a horrible malicious twat; I am incensed on your behalf.

Sorry, I know that isn't the point of this thread.

I don’t think Inwould be able to live with a man who has disrespected me to thos extent. I would resent him every day. It would also be harmful to the kids witnessing such a toxic relationship

My first boyfriend cheated on me constantly, but gaslit me into not trusting my instincts and thinking I was crazy.

When I dumped him, he told me that I had been right every time and he detailed his indiscretions. Probably to hurt me - but just proved what a piece of shit he was.

I'm old enough to know the grass isn't always greener. I've seen friends divorced and some are happy & some not so happy. Why should I be disadvantaged because of his mistakes.

There is more good than bad to the current situation. He has re-engaged with the kids & family life, he says he wants to be a better man/father/husband.

I guess each case different.
when you say “disadvantaged” in what way do you mean this?

Apple Watch. He’d deleted the messages on his phone and went out to the football, leaving the watch. But the phone hadn’t synced with the watch.

And I didn’t have any real feelings on whether he was cheating or not, but his attitude to me that morning was horrendous and when I spotted the watch I was drawn to it out of nowhere.

fucking Hell what a traumatic moment that was scrolling though that tiny thing. everything began to piece together, it explained why that woman appeared on suggested friends on Twitter when she was an absolute no one to me.

I made them both suffer. She knew who I was, she knew my children. It was a horrible way to live and the depression afterwards was so deep, I can’t look at photos of that period in my life. You can see the torture in my eyes. I was done.

She liked an old Facebook post from years before that I’d tagged him in. The look on his face when I asked who she was (I’d got a random notification) lead me to dig further and find out everything.

Yep, I know the feeling.

Im not proud of what I did but quite honestly I don’t think I’d take it back. He needed a major wake up call and I needed to realise I could actually be ok without him.

In some ways our relationship has improved a lot since it happened- I feel like we’re on an equal footing now and he realises that I will actually leave if he doesn’t treat me well.

I do still love him and I want it to work - he has a lot of positive attributes - but il never feel the same as I used to about him. Once someone has broken your heart you never get over that.

he went on a cruise and he said that whilst he was laughing, she (yes, SHE) stuck her tongue down his throat against his will.

to this day, i don't believe a single word. i wish he just told me the truth tbh, would've been easier.

Same here. I have it better than a lot of friends and the positives of staying together outweigh the negatives.

In the past I always thought I would never forgive infidelity and I certainly never thought I’d be someone who would have an affair myself but I’ve realised that people are complicated and life really isn’t black and white.

If things ever slipped back to the way they were I’d be off but whilst he’s really trying and also willing to forgive what I did ( and also not punishing me for it) I want to give it my all.

We talk now and are more open (this was always one of his problems) and I actually think we are stronger. People are not infallible and make mistakes sometimes. If there’s still love there it can be worth working on.

New car which came with an app which told you where it was, amongst other things.
Ex wife used it to visit friends for a weekend away The App told me the car was at a hotel well over 100 miles from where it should have been.

Mine likes Chanel Number 5, says its his favourite 'paw-fume'

Change my life, move to a worse location, fund everything, split the kids. I don't have the energy or desire to dismantle my life.
I would have always thought I would leave a cheater but life isn't always that simple.

I went away for two weeks for work and when I got home the locks had been changed and he had moved her in, I tried my key then looked through the living room window to see her sat on the sofa drinking coffee. She was an 18 year old he met at work.

I couldn't be bothered talking or asking why or anything so I called a taxi, went to the airport, picked a random place in the UK and moved there, I had nothing to my name apart from the clothes on my back. I now have my own place, my cats, my job and a life. He has been single since a week after I left because she decided he was too old for her! There were zero signs he was cheating, nothing at all in our relationship had changed so i had no idea until i got home that day from the work trip.

Almost 25 years down the drain.

I now get drunk calls from him once a month telling me how nobody will ever 'get' him like I did, He can never truly be himself with someone else, etc, etc, etc

Six years on from all that now and I'm happily single and have zero interest in another relationship at all.

I'm glad to hear that the prick is suffering 😊 How awful.

That’s why I have blocked mine from everywhere and told him I will file a police report If he dares to approach me. I have absolutely NO interest in his drama anymore.
Single and happy for over a year now. I SO much enjoy living on my own.

My husband left. I was absolutely blindsided. Everything was normal. We had a 2 year old. He said he needed a new life and there was nobody else. Unfortunately for him, somebody looked on my LinkedIn. I was also admin for his LinkedIn and the person had looked at him too. A very quick look on FB connected this person to an ex employee of my brother. It didn't take long for me to string it together. I asked him if he'd seen "X" recently and he said he'd not seen her for years but he has a face that literally gives away everything (twitchy) so I knew he was lying. I think he realised I knew so I got a text admitting it but said they'd bumped into eachother the day after he left me and she immediately asked him to move in (she'd just lost her husband in an RTA). I was expected to believe this bullshit.

To this day, they have no idea of how much I found out and what I know. I presume that is why they moved to the other end of the country, in case it came out, she had a "reputation to uphold" and had also tried to rinse a lot of people of money as a grieving widow when she was shagging my husband. All horrific at the time. Fortunately we have no contact.

Gosh that's shit