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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need to let it all out! Loveless marriage but 2 young kids, becoming more bitter & twisted by the day and struggling to defeat regular bouts of depression. Best compromise?

67 replies

TheBigClog · 06/05/2008 06:24

Namechanger, obviously .
I am absolutely not at peace with myself and it's been eating me up inside ever since I met dh 9 years ago. Coward that I was, I married dh post-miscarriage and on the rebound from "love of my life" relationship which, when it broke up, broke me rather too and shattered my hopes for the future with my ex-fiance.

Dh then seemed loving, caring and, if I'm honest, an easy way out in that his confidence and affection and seeming utter love for me made up for my utter lack of self-confidence and shattered heart. He was so sure that we were meant to be together, he was so confident about the future, he seemed so sure he loved me. I knew I didn't really love him, even at the beginning - he was not particularly attractive (was and is rather geeky, to be honest)and there was never that spark for me, but he was loving and great fun and the sensible side of me could see a secure future with him and an end to the heartbreak of before.

Fast forward to 2008, I feel like I'm slowly dying inside - we've got 2 lovely children, though eldest dd is rather troubled having seen yrs of arguing, we live in a lovely area where Ican imagine building a life. I can't imagine leaving my children but I don't know how much longer I can tolerate living with dh- I am losing respect for him, I don't fancy him and I deeply regret my choice of 8 yrs ago to marry him. Our arguments are becoming almost daily and are so destructive. Ican't help thinking about my ex-fiance all these yrs on, I also can't help re-running conversations wiht friends from yrs back asking whether I was sure about dh and a couple who even said I "could do much better than him", horrible I know but he's not god's gift and I struggle to have a physicla relationship with someone I don't find attractive, almost feels like prostitution.

I'm now 37 and I feel I've rather burnt my bridges, I was fairly attractive in my 20s and then had my pick of men. I made my choice when I married dh though, I feel. I am fading fast now after years of sleepless nights and taking comfort in too many glasses of wine, don't see me pulling any better option than dh. God what a mess and what a self-pitying ramble this is.

Any poor buggers who've stuck with me this far, feel free to put in your penny's worth. I can't admit my feelings to anyone in RL, a couple of friends know a little but not hte full extent of my fuck-up.

OP posts:
Megglevache · 06/05/2008 06:33

Message withdrawn

unconvinced · 06/05/2008 06:34

Oh poor you, I have no advice to offer, I sure the wise ones will be along soon, but for now I am happy to lend a vertual ear.

Megglevache · 06/05/2008 06:38

Message withdrawn

unconvinced · 06/05/2008 06:39

It is never to late to start looking after oneself, I myself fell into the same trap for some years but have now changed and am making a real effort with clothes/makeup and keeping myself happy at a constant weight.

Its a small start but with it comes confidence, that you can once again be happy with your appearance

People have noticed that I am looking younger and happier, so it can be done.

Papillon · 06/05/2008 06:43

Hi, am sorry to hear your pain over a decision you made in the past that has been difficult to live with. Couple of things stick out for me, you are losing respect for him / and intimacy issues. Those two things go hand in hand, and create the destructive side of the relationship.

Sleepless nights and taking comfort in something that dulls the emotions will not help you in the long term, hard as it is I would recommend doing what I did, leaving. Dh and I have have a very rocky time, and he loves me and wants us back. So he has had to learn about how to get me back... makes me realise that whilst I am 37 I am attractive, men desire me and my husband the most.

If you cannot leave, then frank conversations about your problems need to start. I often think now that the talk was important at first, then the major part body language had to happen and be seen to be working, for all our arguements and conversations, body language makes up most of it. You see your dh as geeky, that says alot of how you feel about him.

Take care and we are here for you

BrassicaNapusNapobrassica · 06/05/2008 06:46

Your reasons for not wanting to be with your husband sound rather shallow tbh. Is it possible the problem is within you as opposed to with him?

Might some counselling on your own be a good idea?

TheBigClog · 06/05/2008 06:59

Thanks all, yes, I may be shallow but it's my life, isn't it? I've struggle with this and dismissed my concerns previously as shallow but I now feel that it is not shallow to find yr sexual partner unattractive, it's a real problem. I went out with some gorgeous men in the past but didn't marry one of them, maybe I have high standards, physically but that's the truth of it, I love men at their physical peak, I don't find portly, balding, oddly-dressed ones, attractive. This may make me a superficial cow but that's me, it really bothers me.
i'm having some cbt, maybe we need to go to Relate but how can I ever admit all this stuff to dh?

OP posts:
Papillon · 06/05/2008 07:15

Nothing wrong with liking a male who looks good, I am superficial too

your dh must have some inkling that there are problems, you said you have daily arguments, not hard for it to slip out that you are sick of not sleeping, drinking too much, sick of feeling that you and he are unhappy etc... might be easier to talk about it mid argument than muster up courage to do it in an orderly fashion.

littlewoman · 06/05/2008 07:16

This is all so sad. I think the things that you found attractive about him are very good qualities (security, kindness, etc). What do you think has lead to the change of feeling towards him? Was it just a gradual realisation that you don't fancy him that much, or more annoying stuff?

TheBigClog · 06/05/2008 07:25

i knew i didn't really fancy him from the off but at the beginning it was masked by the sheer fun we had - great w/es away, nights out. Sex was ok.

Now I realise that we're incompatible, sexually and life-wise. I feel we have little in common, little to talk about. His affection for me, I guess unsurprisingly, seemsto have ebbed away and he's now
short-tempered, lazy, disinterested and abrupt with me/our family. Is this anywhere near "normal" or do most of you really love your partners enough over the years to avoid such disappointment with life? Should I bail out or make the most of what I've already made of my life??

OP posts:
Megglevache · 06/05/2008 08:14

Message withdrawn

BrassicaNapusNapobrassica · 06/05/2008 08:23

If a bloke had written the OP, I feel the response would be less than sympathetic.

Isn't it true that we all become less attractive with age? I rate dependability and loyalty above looks to be honest. And I think the state of your sex life is a manifestation of problems in your relationship. It is all fixable but it's hopeless if you don't want to fix it.

What do you argue about?

littlewoman · 06/05/2008 08:46

It's easy for me to say, because I'm not stuck in your marriage, but I think BNN has made some excellent points there.

cory · 06/05/2008 08:56

I feel very sorry for the OP; it sounds a horrible place to be in, having to go to bed with someone you don't find attractive.

Still, Brassica does have a point. If we marry somebody, surely that is on the understanding that they will age and become, to some extent, less physically attractive? Happens to even the most gorgeous hunks. And to us women too.

On the other hand, there are relationships where genuine incompatibilities emerge gradually which really do make living together virtually impossible. If you're in one of those, you probably need to cut loose.

A couple of things worry me about your post.

The first is that you seem very interested in how your partner is perceived by others, whether he is a "great catch" or not. In a good relationship, the partners are there for each other, not to show off to the world. A partner shouldn't really be about confirming your attractiveness to other people.

The second, and more worrying aspect, is that you do not mention any source of satisfaction or feeling-good-about-yourself that comes from outside your relationship with your husband. Do you have anything? Do you work? Do you have any strong interest that is your own? Is there anyone in the community you help out?

What I'm trying to get at is that your post sounds as if you are expecting happiness and fulfillment as something that your partner gives you. IME (25 happy years with dh) this isn't the way it works. While a partner can be an invaluable support when things go wrong, he can't actually give you a life all on his own; your self esteem has to come from within yourself. And as most of us live for 50 years or so after our first sexual bloom is gone, we need to base our self esteem on other things than sexual attractiveness; otherwise, it's going to be a long decline.

The first thing I would advise you to do is to have a good look at your own life. If you did move out of this marriage, how would you then try to get satisfaction? By pulling another bloke? It may happen, it may be the right thing for you, but it is unlikely to be all you need, at least in the long run. And you will be faced by the same problems of diminishing physical attractiveness.

And if you decide to stay married, you still need something more than your dh can give you.

In other words, you need to find something that makes you feel good about yourself regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. The children are enough for some women, others may need a change of career or a really absorbing hobby.

Then I would give your marriage a chance by going to couple counselling. Surely there are tactful ways of expressing more or less what you've said in this post, without being quite so explicit about the poor guy's shortcomings?

If you need to split up, at least counselling can help you to do it in the best way. It may also help you to address your own needs. The one thing that does come across strongly in your post is that you feel a need to confirm your own value by having an attractive man. It is not just about sex being good (people can have good sex with fat, ugly, balding partners) but you want a man that confirms your attractiveness in your own eyes. Could there be anything in your past that explains this insecurity? Are there other issues that may not necessarily be about your current dh? Because if there are, they are likely to follow you into any new relationship, so they must be addressed.

NorthernLurker · 06/05/2008 08:57

Ok - well my view is you've got two kids, you've made promises to one another and you need to get on and work with this situation not against it.
It's no good saying you want to be with someone more attractive - because all things pass. You and your dh need to grit your teeth and put time and effort and care into your relationship. Or you can end it - but don't do so thinking you will then find the gorgeous man of your dreams and everything will be golden. Chances are - that won't be the case and the only thing you'll end up as is lonely.

I know this sounds harsh. It is - just don't throw everything you have away because of a dream you have never achieved.

bestleft · 06/05/2008 09:55

.

bestleft · 06/05/2008 10:01

OP, I've only had a chance to skim this thread and can't reply properly now, but you have my full sympathy. It could have been me posting (portly, balding husband, knowing it was a mistake at the time but burying head in sand thinking my feelings would change over time, friends hinting that it was a mistake, bitter regrets over another person, no sexual attraction whatsoever, not sure whether these feelings are sufficient to break up a family over, knowing that what is best for me is probably not best for the children despite frequent rows, I could go on...).
Just like you, I have no idea what the answer is but will keep reading this thread and will hopefully post in more detail later on when I can. x.

GooseyLoosey · 06/05/2008 10:06

Your situation in many ways sounds like my mother. The relationship with her fiance broke up and she met and married my father without every really knowing him. They were totally incompatible, my childhood was never ending rows and their lives were miserable. It was not until I left home that my mother realised that she could not live with him on her own and I did everything I could to facilitate their divorce. They are both happier today (over 15 years on), my mother is happily re-married but bitterly regrets the years she wasted being married to my fathers.

If there is truley no feelings left between you, I would consider whether it is better to leave the marriage. Staying together for the sake of the children is not always the best thing as the children concerned have a fairly poisonous environment to grow up in.

soapbox · 06/05/2008 10:10

I suspect that this is the argument rolled out every time a man leaves his wife for a new trophy model.

Aging happens to all of us - even you.

Perhaps your DH is short tempered and ratty because he feels your distate for him and lack of commitment and he is fed up treading a one way street.

I think you need to expend every ounce of energy trying to resolve the real issues in your relationship before giving up on it - at the very least you owe it to the family you created together to do that.

And life outside marriage may not be full of gleaming adonis types ready to throw themselves at your feet - after all perhaps you are older and less of a catch now too!

TheBigClog · 06/05/2008 10:11

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat, bestleft, it's hard,isn't it?

I've read the other comments- appreciate the honesty and constructive criticism, fair enough, nothing said here has been anything I haven#'t thought to myself.
-Yes, I should grit my teeth and get on with it due to the kids but I wonder how I can carry on doing this.

-Yes, of course we all age, I have too! But he is not objectively, or to me, attractive and justifiable or not, this really bothers me! I love sex and want to be attracted to my partner. I made a mistake by marrying him but wonder whether i should live the consequences for the rest of my life?/wait for the children to grow up? etc etc. Anyway, it's not just the sex, we bicker about every small thing and seem unable to discuss major issues any more as they arise. He's v short-tempered and impatient, I'm rather depressed and the combination doesn't make for great communication.

OP posts:
berolina · 06/05/2008 10:12

Elements of your story ring bells with me. I was not on the rebound and there was no 'love of my life' figure when I met dh, but I was an unconfident mess and this bit really resonates: '[he] seemed loving, caring and, if I'm honest, an easy way out in that his confidence and affection and seeming utter love for me made up for my utter lack of self-confidence [...] He was so sure that we were meant to be together, he was so confident about the future, he seemed so sure he loved me'. I found him positively unattractive at the beginning, but he chased me (we were friends and bandmates first) for 2 months and eventually I 'succumbed'. We have been together for 10 years and married for nearly 8. He has never been the butterflies-in-stomach shagging-all-hours-of-the-day-and-night type of partner, but there is a real, solid, very profound sense of having thrown in our lot with each other and being in this together for life - comradeship, if you like -, plus a set of shared values, which really binds us together. Security is worth a lot, you know! is there any of that in your relationship with your dh? What do you srgue about? That would be incredibly helpful to know. Tbh the fun you had at the beginning sounds like quite a solid basis to build things up on.

I think cory has made a lot of excellent points.

Anna8888 · 06/05/2008 10:12

Get yourself together ie stop drinking, go to bed earlier, start exercising (walking will do), have a new haircut / makeover / clothes.

Look for a new and better husband. Leave your DH when you have found him.

TheBigClog · 06/05/2008 10:15

and I'm really looking at my life at the moment, analysing every last thing, trying to take responsibility for my own fulfilment, satisfaction etc. Yes, I work (p/t), yes, I have a social life, I have a rather problematic relationship wiht family..I'm trying to move forward, establish my own way while doing right by my children. I feel so much is suppressed though and my outlet has been depression. I don't think I can carry on for the rest of my life with it.

OP posts:
TheBigClog · 06/05/2008 10:22

wow, I obviously have come over as a drunken, arrogant slob! I drink at most 1 or 2 glasses a night (honest gov!), I exercise regularly and have no problem with body image. I have aged and I know it -I realise some may have found my comments rather superficial, I was just being honest.

As i've said before, to me it matters that my partner is attractive to me and he isn't. I'm quite aware that I@m not such a catch and I@m quite aware that I'm not going to be able to take my pick of the local adonis (what's the plural?!).

I've been possibly too honest but I needed to "voice" my concerns, they're real and they're making me ill. If you're happy in your relationship, if you're attracted to your partner, this may be difficult to understand fully. Chronic depression is not something I want to succumb too, I want to battle it and part of that is facing up to my issues, one of which is this.

OP posts:
BrassicaNapusNapobrassica · 06/05/2008 10:27

Anna888 - are you being serious? Find another husband and then leave your bad marriage?