Need to let it all out! Loveless marriage but 2 young kids, becoming more bitter & twisted by the day and struggling to defeat regular bouts of depression. Best compromise?

[TheBigClog]

Namechanger, obviously .
I am absolutely not at peace with myself and it's been eating me up inside ever since I met dh 9 years ago. Coward that I was, I married dh post-miscarriage and on the rebound from "love of my life" relationship which, when it broke up, broke me rather too and shattered my hopes for the future with my ex-fiance.

Dh then seemed loving, caring and, if I'm honest, an easy way out in that his confidence and affection and seeming utter love for me made up for my utter lack of self-confidence and shattered heart. He was so sure that we were meant to be together, he was so confident about the future, he seemed so sure he loved me. I knew I didn't really love him, even at the beginning - he was not particularly attractive (was and is rather geeky, to be honest)and there was never that spark for me, but he was loving and great fun and the sensible side of me could see a secure future with him and an end to the heartbreak of before.

Fast forward to 2008, I feel like I'm slowly dying inside - we've got 2 lovely children, though eldest dd is rather troubled having seen yrs of arguing, we live in a lovely area where Ican imagine building a life. I can't imagine leaving my children but I don't know how much longer I can tolerate living with dh- I am losing respect for him, I don't fancy him and I deeply regret my choice of 8 yrs ago to marry him. Our arguments are becoming almost daily and are so destructive. Ican't help thinking about my ex-fiance all these yrs on, I also can't help re-running conversations wiht friends from yrs back asking whether I was sure about dh and a couple who even said I "could do much better than him", horrible I know but he's not god's gift and I struggle to have a physicla relationship with someone I don't find attractive, almost feels like prostitution.

I'm now 37 and I feel I've rather burnt my bridges, I was fairly attractive in my 20s and then had my pick of men. I made my choice when I married dh though, I feel. I am fading fast now after years of sleepless nights and taking comfort in too many glasses of wine, don't see me pulling any better option than dh. God what a mess and what a self-pitying ramble this is.

Any poor buggers who've stuck with me this far, feel free to put in your penny's worth. I can't admit my feelings to anyone in RL, a couple of friends know a little but not hte full extent of my fuck-up.

TBC - I think the depression may be clouding your judgement a little. It is highly unlikely that you are depressed to this extent just because you don't find your husband sexually attractive - I suspect that there is a lot of transference going on, all of your dissatisfaction and illness transferred onto your DH for not looking the way you wish he did.

Depression dulls libido, you may not fancy him because you are depressed.

You really do need to take proper advice before acting on your feelings - it isn;t saying that your feelings aren't real, but that your depression might be leading you to interpret them in a way which you wouldn't if you weren't depressed.

TheBigClog I COMPLETELY get where you are coming from. I dont think your arrogant and I applaud your honesty.

My life at the moment basically mirrors yours accept we have one dd who I know is beginning to be affected by our constant bickering and nit-picking.

DH, when I met him, was not my usual type - I was attracted to his easy-going ways - now he is critical, snappy and grumpy much of the time and has little patience with dd. He is very unobliging, the slightest aid he grudgingly gives is translated into a massive feat which requires him to 'have a rest' for an hour or so, without being bothered by me or dd.

I suspect he would say that he is grumpy because he hasnt had sex in so long - he has no understanding (despite me spelling it out) that intimacy only comes when the relationship is in balance - where we ACTUALLY GET ON and I dont go to bed seething at him (most nights). I dont expect him to be gorgeous - I was with him because of his personality - which has now all but disappeared.

I sympathise and I am looking on here for advice how to tackle this. I know if I didnt have dd I would have been gone ages ago but she needs a family and I want to give her a decent one.

thanks, binkle, hope you manage to work it out.
soapbox, I understand your point of view but let me clarify, I don't think my depression is wholly or even mainly due to this. There's a host of reasons which I haven't posted about as I am already trying to deal with them - cbt, exercise, talking to friends, examining navel etc etc.

I never found dh attractive, it's not his ageing. However, I find it difficult that he doesn't look after himself and has not aged particularly well. Yep, I'm being honest again and I realise that this is going to get loads of criticism. All I'll say is those of you who find yr partners attractive still (however they look, I too have slept with men who aren't particularly attractive but were so to me), well, you are very lucky.

but yes, I do accept that depression is of course clouding my judgement on many things. Partly why I'm posting on here. However, if I'm to address the underlying cause of the depression, part of which is an unhappy marriage, then I have to consider what to do, even if I can't quite think straight. Does that make sense?

I didn't think you arrogant; just that you do seem to look for justification of your feelings in the (totally irrelevant) thoughts of how your partner might look to other people. It is hard not to read your post and feel that you have a somewhat adolescent way of rating men according to how much kudos they confer.

This doesn't mean that you're not allowed to find your husband unattractive, or even to leave him. But I do think you need to accept that your feelings are yours in their own right; you need to deal with them as such, not try to project them onto other people. If you try to justify yourself by hinting that "you wouldn't find him attractive either", all the MNs with no-longer-gorgeous-hunks will jump to his defence and your genuine problems will be lost in the fray.

I also feel that it is at least very likely that there are other problems in your background that also need dealing with, whether you divorce or not. It does sound as if you have rather low self esteem.

Dont you think that if it were not for your dd's you would have split with your dh when you realised you really could not pretend to yourself and him any longer that you were attracted to him?

If the answer is yes then I would say that is the route of your depression, not a symptom as some are suggesting. The feeling of being trapped in the wrong life as it were with the wrong man but feeling that you need to be there and keep up the facade for your girls.

on the contrary I think she has rather high self-esteem or at least a sense of self-worth which she doesnt want to lose in this relationship

I am sure there are many partnerships like the op. You must stop looking back, it will ruin any relationship you have now, or even a future one. The 'what if's" in life don't work. I am sure your DH knows you are upset and his self confidence must be low. You are not being fair to him.

yes, fairly sure would have split if weren't for dcs. I think it's how attractive someone is to me that matters most, not how they seem to others though this may not have been clear. I'm not perfect and I do judge on appearances more than many, however, the main issue is that we're unhappy, daily and it's eating me up inside.

Yes, I do have low self-esteem - to be honest I know I'm not ugly and often thank God that I'm not, as there's not much else going for me right now. I realise this sounds rather juvenile but I've had very little sleep these past few days and am possibly regressing. I really shouldn't admit to such thoughts, should I? Bound to get shot down in flames by some, though defended by others who may be in something like the same boat. Oh well, it helps to let it all out, however wrong, however ill-thought out. I can't keep it in anymore.

reference to regressing was tongue in cheek by the way, or possibly not.

I certainly don't have high self-esteem (in my eyes, at least). I'm unconfident, I'm not very loyal to dh, I'm an impatient person, I'm critical of self and others, I'm pessimistic, I give up too easily. I know I'm not being fair to dh, but it's gone beyond that. I feel like i'm fighting for my own life too.

Don't ever underestimate how totally sapping it is to be in the wrong relationship.

I really don't think the OP ought to invest in her marriage. I think she ought to invest in how to get out of it and into a new and better one.

sapping is the word, anna, you're so right. However, I haven't yet made the decision to invest no more in my marriage - stakes v high as have the dcs to think of.

so much for namechange! Oh well

Not sure it matters anyway and don't think anyone knows me on here.

but I actually prefer this name for now so will revert.

The point I was trying to make lower down was that having been the child of parents in a marriage like yours, I can say with a degree of certainty that staying together is not always better for the children. I think I would have grown into a happier more balanced adult had my mother divorced my father years earlier.

Life is TOO short to be unhappy,if you really know your relationship is "over",Seperate and build up your esteem and your childrens happiness by being proactive.I left my ExH when I was 3 mths pregnant,everyone told me things would be different when the baby arrived,I knew in my heart he and I would never change,as a couple.I was miserable alone,but when the baby arrived I had someone to go on for,and build a happy life. I made the right decision. 12 years later I have remarried,have 2 more beautiful children,and a loving supportive husband,who is "right" for me. Its never too late to "correct" mistakes,and live the happy life you dream of with your children.Good Luck

i feel the same as the OP, that i may never meet someone again, but i am nearly 29 (yes i know its not that old).
I DID leave my dh, well i told him to leave, he was utterly gorgeous to look at, and kind to me, but we were having a lot of problems so i threw in the towel too quickly and gave up. Now he is having a baby with someone else.
i regret it more than anything, and now i am finding that the grass is not greener, and i would do anything to have my old life back.

However, if you are CERTAIN that you two cannot be happy, then i think you know you have to separate. i left my first partner and never looked back, it was the right thing to do. i guess it all totally depends on how unhappy you are.

what happens when you talk nicely to dh about how you are feeling, BC?

i think Cory is talking good sense.
I would say if you haven't already, try and address the issues with your DH first before giving up on the marriage. But i am definitely not an advocate of staying just because of the children. A house of conflict is an unhappy home for them and imo far more damaging than a happy single home. I don't agree with ending it to go jumping straight into another relationship. It won't necessarily make you happy and then what? Jump ship again? Focus on you and your kids and what you need to regain confidence in yourself new relationship or not. New job? Single life? Friends? Family? Make up & clothes etc etc.

Thanks, been some helpful advice - true that happy but separated parents may be better than unhappy but together ones, sorry to hear that it's stuck with you so much, goosey.

Allgonebellyup, am I allowed to comment that you really are too young to give up yet?!! Big difference between late-20s and late-30s imho, you do still have a chance, good luck with it.

When we do talk, things seem to get inflamed very quickly, we're both on short fuses. I hjaven't given up yet which is why it's been so helpful to post on here, let it all out and hear such a range of views (some quite hard to "hear" but I have tried to take notice!)

TBC, does your H know how you feel about him? I'm really sorry for you, your post sounds so hopeless and sad.

My dp had the same in a previous relationship and felt nothing but loathing and emptiness with his ex. He started resenting everything that had come out of that relationship. After a few years of pondering the idea he left. It was hard for him and very painful having wasted the years with a person he knew wasn't right.

Fast forward he's happy, relieved and joyful. She's happy and has found a new boyfriend (tried a few but this one makes her melt she said)...so I guess all are content.

What I want to say is that if you feel you want to start anew, then do it. Don't sit there for the next 10 years contemplating it. You won't do your kids a favour who'll grow up in a loveless marriage and will take that as a role model for their own relationships. Be strong and cut your losses and give yourself and also your H a chance to find what you're yearning for.

In my experience, it's not unusual for married couples to not find each other particulary physically attractive at the start or throughout marriage. There were definite reasons you married your dh and none of them were about looks. Maybe you should focus on those things to start a turn around in your marriage. And look for other positive attributes he has and tell him good things about himself. All people flourish when given positive attention - if you can bring yourself to do this then you may get the same back from him and little by little your life could change for the better. And this may work for other relationships in your life.

Try to talk to someone or have counselling on you own and with your husband. I agree that it would be very hard to tell your husband the things you have written here. I am not sure he needs to hear them for your marriage and life to improve.

I am sorry I ahve to cut this short as my lunch break is coming to an end and I'm finding it quite hard to articulate everything I would like to say to you. You have been given a lot of good advice here and I hope you will give yourself, your dh and your kids a chance and try to turn around your depression and self-esteem issues so that you can all have happier lives.

Good luck!

I don't think you are arrogant. I was in a similar position with my marriage in that DH was not my usual type but seemed to offer something different to what I had had before.

I remember saying to friends when DS1 was 13 months old that I wanted to leave but something ingrained in me carried on trying for years after that. And we had second DS.

FWIW I think he sensed it too and once said to me when we were on a supposedly romantic weekend in Paris - if it weren't for the DSs we wouldn't be together.

He soon became grumpy, irritable etc (after DS1 was born) and witheld anything physical for many years - it was a vicious cycle.

We have now been sep for nearly two years and divorced for just over one.

With more clarity I can see that we were really incompatible both physically and mentally, we didn't make each other happy. I regret marrying him but not our DSs of course.

Should also add that being in that marriage made me ill. People said I was not my usual self.

Of course not all plain sailing now by any means.

I am older than you as well.

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