Need to let it all out! Loveless marriage but 2 young kids, becoming more bitter & twisted by the day and struggling to defeat regular bouts of depression. Best compromise?

[TheBigClog]

Namechanger, obviously .
I am absolutely not at peace with myself and it's been eating me up inside ever since I met dh 9 years ago. Coward that I was, I married dh post-miscarriage and on the rebound from "love of my life" relationship which, when it broke up, broke me rather too and shattered my hopes for the future with my ex-fiance.

Dh then seemed loving, caring and, if I'm honest, an easy way out in that his confidence and affection and seeming utter love for me made up for my utter lack of self-confidence and shattered heart. He was so sure that we were meant to be together, he was so confident about the future, he seemed so sure he loved me. I knew I didn't really love him, even at the beginning - he was not particularly attractive (was and is rather geeky, to be honest)and there was never that spark for me, but he was loving and great fun and the sensible side of me could see a secure future with him and an end to the heartbreak of before.

Fast forward to 2008, I feel like I'm slowly dying inside - we've got 2 lovely children, though eldest dd is rather troubled having seen yrs of arguing, we live in a lovely area where Ican imagine building a life. I can't imagine leaving my children but I don't know how much longer I can tolerate living with dh- I am losing respect for him, I don't fancy him and I deeply regret my choice of 8 yrs ago to marry him. Our arguments are becoming almost daily and are so destructive. Ican't help thinking about my ex-fiance all these yrs on, I also can't help re-running conversations wiht friends from yrs back asking whether I was sure about dh and a couple who even said I "could do much better than him", horrible I know but he's not god's gift and I struggle to have a physicla relationship with someone I don't find attractive, almost feels like prostitution.

I'm now 37 and I feel I've rather burnt my bridges, I was fairly attractive in my 20s and then had my pick of men. I made my choice when I married dh though, I feel. I am fading fast now after years of sleepless nights and taking comfort in too many glasses of wine, don't see me pulling any better option than dh. God what a mess and what a self-pitying ramble this is.

Any poor buggers who've stuck with me this far, feel free to put in your penny's worth. I can't admit my feelings to anyone in RL, a couple of friends know a little but not hte full extent of my fuck-up.

sometimes other events that are going on in our life can cloud our judgment of dp's and we become resentful, bitter and want more than we have. it helps to know truely what the problem is.

having recently been through heaps of $%^& with DP's kids, my dd, my family's crisis' i became very resentful of DP. i didnt want to be a single person in a couple relationship. had wkend away with no contact from anyone apart from BF and it done the world of good. Shocked DP into realising just how unhappy i was.

he isnt my 'usual sort' and sometimes can be very immature but he does make me laugh, is a hard working man, who most of the time is caring, honest & kind.

Ask me if i fancy him........not really in the physical way.

but when i explained that i needed support and our relationship should be 50-50 then things improved.

before DP i stayed with Ex (DD's dad) for many years and became more & more unhappy, had no self confidence, friends, work or any other interests.

yes its hard being on your own but if you truely do not want to be with your DH then i would advise to get out. it has nothing to do with his looks (if you close your eyes they can be anyone) but if the resentment and loathing have repulsed you so much then there is not much hope.

i also have the other side where my parents stayed together and from the ages of 8-18 (when i left) there were constant rows and i always said, even to them, that it would have been less damaging for them to have split. You cannot have a good relationship with your DC when your are so unhappy and sad. from experience that unhappyness will eventualy affect your DC. Also, when you have made your decision (1 way or other), if its the rigt one the weight of the world will fall from your shoulders and the relief will be worthwhile.

hope this has been a bit of help. only you know what your heart truely wants.

OP, one of the hardest things for me is knowing really that it was a mistake at the outset but pressing ahead anyway hoping that I would feel differently in 5, 10, 20 years time. This is going to sound totally superficial to anyone not in this situation (and maybe to others as well- I'm not at all adverse to hearing negative feedback) but one thing I was worried about was that my DH was losing his hair and (surprise, surprise) this has not got any better and it has always bothered me. He was always on the large side, and this has also got worse over time due really to way too much food and beer and no exercise, and I just get so cross about it inside as I think he does have some control over this aspect of his appearance. I think the lack of attraction leads to lack of respect, communication, affection, sex...
I know I will get a flaming for saying all this, and it might do me some good. Being honest, I am not sure how much of it is how much it bothers me compared to what other people think, as I am reasonably good looking and I do think (imagine?) that other people perceive an imbalance in the looks side of our relationship. Totally adolescent I know.
Dh has lots of good qualities and the children adore him, but the lack of physical attraction just seems so overwhelming sometimes.
I doubt I'm going to have the courage to read the replies to this.

BigClog

I do think you need to look again at the reasons you married him, and focus on that.
NOT to stay, but just so that by the time you leave, you won't hate him. You will always be parents together.

Seems to me that the people who stay when they know they shouldn't are the ones who have to worst breakups.

Good Luck

thanks , all. Lots to mull over here, shall look at when kids in bed. Bestever, I really understand what you're saying, you're telling it like it is, and why not? IKYWM re looks, i think we live in rather a sexist society where it's required that women keep looking after themselves but that somehow, magically, it's not part of the deal that men do too. I look after myself as do most women i know, not in a particularly vain way but to keep healthy, to stay slim and to look reasonably nice. I find it somewhat insulting that dh thinks I@m not worth making the effort for.

sorry, bestleft. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds remarkably similar and rather sad. But then as people such as purpleduck have said on here, i guess it's worth remembering why we married in the 1st place abnd trying to focus on that. I'm really trying to remember, but I was such a mess at that time, not outwardly, I guess few people realised.

Yes, I've already seen a counsellor about it and she did say that there must have been a reason why I chose him in the first place. Looking back, there were valid reasons and in fact I did have a choice between him and another (a looker) and I chose DH because I just preferred him and felt more of a connection, along with some other incredibly stupid reasons such as that I preferred his surname!?! The trouble is, so much has happened and soured things since then such as money worries, dislike of my ils alongside the fact that the children came along almost straight away and so our lives and relationship were pretty much transformed.
I can get really wistful when I am with friends who are obviously very happily married bringing up their children with men they also fancy. I do feel like DH and I are just co-parents. It's very difficult, sorry if I've depressed you.

well, i'm with you on getting wistful, even of others, seemingly happy, seemingly still attracted. I know, danger of grass is always greener scenario but even so. Good luck with the counselling, hope it helps.

if you arent happy in a relationship then I think it is time to consider leaving..what happens after is obviously unknown but you work on that

37 is not old at all

berolina had solid points- the key word being SOLID. Looks come and go - but foundation, conversation were there in the beginning and can be there for the long haul - it does take work, but looks don't support you. Sounds like you both need to find what originally brought you together - see a Relate therapist to help put you back on track - and hold your head up high, you've acknowledge the problem and done it honestly with yourself - now work at it - you can do it!

I have only read your OP. The thing that leaps out at me is that there really is no future for this marriage, because you don't have a golden period to look back on and try to recreate. Normally I am very pro couple trying to stick together for the sake of the children, but not in this case. It might also be that by calling it a day now, your DH, who sounds like a decent bloke, could also have the chance to start again with the right woman.

If you feel that you could be amicable co-parents and that you could free each other to start a new life, I think that is what you should do.

BigClog, against all the good advice you are getting here I'm going to say something a bit controversial: Not all marriages deserve to be saved.

A year ago, I was were you are, feeling like you are feeling at the moment, although our reasons and circumstances were totally different.

We had worked for years trying to get the marriage back in good shape, we were bickering to each other, the attraction was totally gone, I started to explode for even the more insignificant things, every intromission of my MIL sent us into days of resentment, and recurrent depression was part of the last few years, and at some point I started to "realise" the grass was greener.

One day after a most stupid discussion, exH said he didn't love me and didn't want to be with me anymore, this came a bit as a surprise as I had spent MONTHS trying to find a way to tell him, without hurting him too badly, that I wanted out. We both had been there for the sake of DS for a long time.

What followed was quite a surprise, once the initial shock and worries of the separation were gone (or eased!) things are FANTASTIC. I'm so very happy to see him going back to be the person he once was, I have had a fantastic time myself, these last months have been the best of my life. DS is also well, benefitting from the extra attention he gets with the time with each of us, receiving our sole attnetion now that the time we have him with us has became precious.

DExH is again one of my best friends, we go out as friends with other friends without a problem, even have managed a holiday together where we all had a great time. Mind you, no attraction whatsoever left, no intention to go back at all from me or him.

What I realise now is that all the bad times we were giving each other and the sensitivity to certain circumstances of the past were not causes for the attraction to disapear but symptoms that it was gone. We had stopped loving each other and although there was always great respect for each other, which moved every single marriage counselor to insist in us trying it again, which made our friends thought we were the "ideal" couple, was not actually love but a friendship.

People find it difficult to understand how you can not continue married to a friend once the atraction is gone. Every time somebody mentions that, I ask them to think about that lovable guy who wanted to date them, he who was so perfect that they would have married him to their sister or their best friend but despite all efforts they couldn't bring themselves to love. Well, it is very much the same. I have tried to love him again, and I have tried bloody hard. I have been VERY ANNOYED with myself at not being able to do it, because we are very compatible in many aspects, we had a good life, but sometimes things are not meant to be.

So... better to leave it if you think there's no way back. Stop wondering about what could have been different or the past. If you don't love him anymore or have not love him for ages, the chances for this love to return are near to nil. We realised at some point that it was better to leave it while we could still talk to each other than wait until our frustrations piled up to the point of getting into those very bad things that some times happen at the end of a marriage.

Good luck.

TBC, I feel for you greatly.

My Dh has become an irritable, short tempered bully. like another poster's OH any involvement in family life means he has to have a long afternoon nap - despite his weekend lie ins - of 2 hours.

For me I am losing my respect for him, we have no physical relationship.

Part of the reason he bugs me is his vanity (he is 48, I am 37)! His dedication to keeping in shape and keeping up appearances. He has openly said he thinks people who wear glasses look ugly (I wear them 95% of the time) and he will force in his contacts even with red puffy eyes. Recently our DS (3.5) fell an split his eyebrow open early one morning we had to take him to hosp. DH disappeared whilst I was putting DS in the car for about 10 minutes - yes you guessed it, putting in his contact lenses!

Believe me, it is no fun living with an image obsessed middle aged teenager!

Oh my god MMS that sounds scarily like my exh, even down to the age difference, and my DS1 also split his eyebrow open at that age!!

We used to jostle for position in front of the mirror, he used to be the one worrying about whether there would be a hairdryer in any hotel we went to, he will put nothing in any of his pockets because it would spoil the line, he would not use a baby carrier for similar reasons.

He told me that no woman looks good in jeans (er I beg to differ).

So vain. I wasn't the only woman to notice his as he told me on two separate occasions pre me he had been given the Carly Simon song 'You're so vain'.

It's such a relief not to have to deal with that anymore.

Also used to take himself off to bed in the afternoon while family life carried on downstairs.

PS I felt his dwelling on the superficial ad shallow aspects of life was quite wearing and draining. And flakey!!

I think the physical apprearance thing is a red herring. Yes it's what attracts us in the first place and helps us to fall in love, but it's not what keeps us in love. If you love your partner, then a portly stomach and a balding head are endearing not stomach-churning. And I don't mean in a "aww how cute" kind of way either.. you can still fancy a person who is not in the first physical flush of youth with a full head of hair and a six pack.

I should know. I love and fancy my husband who is 42 and no Adonis and imperfect in many ways other than physical. But then so am I. I am no longer slim, supple and twenty something, my high lights hide the first few grey hairs and I have laughter lines. This happens. No doubt you have changed too.

Physical "beauty" doesn't keep.. unless you are Sean Connery maybe, and not many men have what he's got!

If you really can't love the man for who he is (physical appearance aside; I'm not saying it's unimportant but set it aside for a moment) then you probably shouldn't be together although a good counsellor is probably best for helping with ascertaining that. He/she would also help with this preoccuptation that you have about the fact that you feel you could have done better/that you're "too attractive" for him (I know you didn't say it youself, but it's still very much in your mind - what your friends said all those years ago). I am not condemning you for feeling this way and applaud you for your honesty but this preoccupation is not helping anyone.

Equally so your husband; perhaps he derserves genuine love and affection that he's never going to get from you? Does he? You say at the beginning of your post that he was (was?) "loving, caring and great fun" but have gone on to focus purely on his physical factors, not on how he treats you now. Is he no longer nice to you? I suppose he could be forgiven for not being "fun" anymore; I guess a wife who clearly doesn't love/value him is enough to take the fun out of anyone's life. Perhaps he is very very unhappy too and you need to look into ways of how best to call it a day.

Counselling, again, would help with this; I really think you need it.

Good luck.

I don't think that depression is causing these feelings and lack of libido, rather the other way round.

The thought of having married the wrong man is making you feel ill, and tired and depressed and is sapping your energy. Hence the looking for clues - what other people have said, understanding how the mistake could have been made initially.

I think you should start considering how your life could be if you left, and fwiw I don't think these problems you are facing are because you are shallow. I think you are deeply feeling that your life went off track and not sure what to do now.

I echo the idea that counselling would be a good way to start unravelling the big problems, and help you even be more honest with your dh.

bigclog - that all sounds a bit familiar. I'm struggling with the same thing atm. But I've got another 4 yrs on you so further along the road. Don't know the answer.