He doesn't want more children

[General11]

I've been with a separated man for 2 years. He has 3 children already with ex, and their separation has been difficult for him to navigate. He's always been open to more children and marriage, until around 6 months ago when he started to voice doubts about these things for his future. He's now also suddenly reluctant to own a house together. I'm of the opinion that this may be trauma and fear talking, given his current difficulties, but has gone from open, to not sure, to will think about it to no and won't change his mind. I know he loves me, and has asked me to think about whether I can continue without these things as he doesn't want to hold me back.

What do you think, is this trauma/fear talking and it's likely he may feel differently down the line when things settle for him personally? Or is this relationship doomed? I am late 20's, he is late 30's.

@ThatAmberLemur Yes, of course! He has continued to provide for them over and above.

I didn't think that was patronising, but an observation.

I think he just doesn't want any more children.

What do you think, is this trauma/fear talking and it's likely he may feel differently down the line when things settle for him personally?

I don't know that it's "trauma/fear" talking or just the reality of already being responsible for three children. If he's overwhelmed right now then the thought of adding a couple more into the mix isn't going to be very appealing.

In time he may feel differently, but I wouldn't count on it. Don't attempt to build a future on "maybe he'll change his mind someday". Take him at his word.

If you want children, I’d move on. Him not wanting to own a house with you is another red flag, he doesn’t want to commit to you. You’ll find someone better who does. 💐

Three children is enough for most people. You are just at different stages of life.

Walk away now op. And be thankful he’s been honest with you.

Accept what he has said. Couldn't be anymore clearer.

Sounds like he is finally coming to his senses. He has 3 children already. He doesn’t need more.

His main financially responsibility is to his children, not to any romantic relationship he might form. Buying a house or getting married complicates that issue.

You need someone at the same life stage at you. Someone without children. You deserve a full partner in life.

he needs some one who just wants a romantic relationship, not a full partnership because his priority should be his children.

He may have lied to you at the start about being open to having more DC. It’s better for his current DC if he doesn’t.

It doesn't matter 'what is talking', what matters here is that he is talking.

He's being refreshingly honest and now the ball is in your court.

Whether you choose to stay or leave is up to you, but DON'T make the mistake of thinking you can change his mind because it's 'just trauma talking'.

So after 2 years with you he’s still separated but not divorced, now doesn’t want more children and not sure about buying a house.

Id say he’s fading out tbh and realising maybe you were his rebound and he’s not in for the long haul.

@General11 I'd echo what others have said, be glad he's been honest. I had children with a dad of 3 and it all fell apart when the kids were born. He admitted later that he only went ahead with having kids because he would have lost me otherwise. I'd say move onto someone who genuine wants what you want, and is more available to give you that.

Late 30s with 3 children, why would he want anymore? You are at different stages of your lives, if you want children and a joint house, it looks like you will have to look for someone new.

Would you rather lose him or have no kids?

He's likely facing the reality of he has three children to raise through rough economic times. He is separated, not divorced so is probably looking at the financial impacts of that through his 40s and 50s along with the costs of his existing children through that time when he should be also putting money into retirement. As he ages, he's going to be looking at possible job insecurity too.

I think he's being realistic. He's possibly had advice as to divorce and finances and has realized he is not in a position to buy a house with you and start a second family.

I would listen to what he’s telling you. At least he’s being honest about his feelings.

OK, let’s say it is a trauma response. So what? If it it is a trauma response he’s going to need to work through it in therapy with a professional not just his gf telling him it will be different this time. It’s going to take time, maybe years. At which point he’s early forties, his kids are older and he’s well past the baby stage. With his age, there is also increased any children may have additional needs. So years of therapy to address the trauma might just lead him to the conclusion he doesn’t want kids anyway (because he has 3, he’s well past baby stage, he’s older now).

He’s told you. You have to decide if it’s important to you or not.

He hasn't been honest or clear at all.

I know he loves me, and has asked me to think about whether I can continue without these things as he doesn't want to hold me back.

I'm really sorry OP but in my experience this is his cowardly way of breaking up. It's happened to me twice. You end up splitting up with them which is what they want because they haven't the balls to instigate the split themselves.

Even if I'm wrong, you can do better 🙂

OP what’s confusing here?
He’s been clear that he doesn’t want children or a house with you. He’s happy with the status quo to continue, but no developments.

Its on you to stay or go.

I wonder if he's finding (as we mostly do) that children get more and more expensive as they get older, and doesn't think he can sustain more children with his existing ones costing more and more... but I think you are grasping at straws a bit, OP, you're meant to be his girlfriend not his therapist. WHY he doesn't want more children is irrelevant. He just doesn't.