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Original poster

He doesn't want more children

66 replies

General11 · 19/01/2025 15:44

I've been with a separated man for 2 years. He has 3 children already with ex, and their separation has been difficult for him to navigate. He's always been open to more children and marriage, until around 6 months ago when he started to voice doubts about these things for his future. He's now also suddenly reluctant to own a house together. I'm of the opinion that this may be trauma and fear talking, given his current difficulties, but has gone from open, to not sure, to will think about it to no and won't change his mind. I know he loves me, and has asked me to think about whether I can continue without these things as he doesn't want to hold me back.

What do you think, is this trauma/fear talking and it's likely he may feel differently down the line when things settle for him personally? Or is this relationship doomed? I am late 20's, he is late 30's.

OP posts:
Toolardy · 19/01/2025 16:19

Move on and find someone who would love to marry you and have kids. This man is not for you.

Original poster
General11 · 19/01/2025 16:20

Thank you everyone, I feared this may be the response. I just don't want it to be the case as I love him and want a life with him. I guess I will need to either accept it or move on.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat we have a reasonable combined income so I don't think this is about money, or potential lack there of.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2025 16:26

I would move on with your life because you are at very different stages in it. He neither wants a house nor children with you; he is telling you all this both through word and deed. Thus relationship needs to be at an end now.

CulturalNomad · 19/01/2025 16:27

If his two year "separation" isn't moving towards divorce he might be rethinking that as well.

MayaPinion · 19/01/2025 16:28

I think he’s trying to set the wheels in motion for a break up. You need to think about your future. He definitely doesn’t want more kids, and why would he? He already has three! If you want to build a full life with a loving family of your own then this is not the man for you, and I think he knows that. Don’t settle for less than the best for you.

JudgeBread · 19/01/2025 16:30

Late 30's and three kids already? Yeah the man's done.

Take him at his word. Because if you don't, stay with him and the answer is still firmly no in 5 or 10 or 15 years time it'll be tough tits for you because he's been upfront about it, you'll have no grounds to be pissed with him for depriving you of these things. If kids and a house is something you want, this one ain't it.

JollyGreenSleeves · 19/01/2025 16:31

General11 · 19/01/2025 15:52

@ThatAmberLemur Yes, of course! He has continued to provide for them over and above.

I didn't think that was patronising, but an observation.

Edited

Less an observation, more wishful thinking

Drfosters · 19/01/2025 16:31

for most people having children is immensely exciting and a joy. You have no idea what you are getting yourself into and you grow into the responsibilities and take each challenge as it comes. But when you deliver true cute ball of baby, you cannot see the schooling/ parents beings/ exams / worry etc ahead of you. You are at that stage.

I found now mine are older as much as I would love more children in theory I couldn't do it as I now how my eyes open to the work involved for 18 years and beyond. The thought of going through sleepless nights, getting them into the right schools, emotional support, exam support, worrying about them going out on their own, childcare etc at my time of life is just not worth contemplating. He is at that stage in life. I appreciate some do go back and start again but most don’t want to as they look forward to the next stage in life and enjoying their children as adults

honestly when someone says they don’t want children, it isn’t the right thing to do to make them change their mind.

Magamaga · 19/01/2025 16:31

Late 30s with 3 children is a very sensible time to stop.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2025 16:34

Frankiedear · 19/01/2025 16:00

Late 30s with 3 children, why would he want anymore? You are at different stages of your lives, if you want children and a joint house, it looks like you will have to look for someone new.

This. He'd be mad to consider it. Having enough time and energy for 4+ children in two households? He won't. He'd have to choose between mildly neglecting one set or another.

Find yourself someone your own age, at your own stage, with your own aims.

Orangesinthebag · 19/01/2025 16:35

As much as you love him, if you want children move on and find someone your age who hasn't already got them.

Even if he did change his mind, which it sounds like he won't, you would have a lifetime of blending families, step children etc when you could do it all for the first time with someone else who is also doing it for the first time.
As others have said, he's already done it three times and he's over it.

Saschka · 19/01/2025 16:36

He has gone from open, to not sure, to will think about it to no and won't change his mind. I know he loves me, and has asked me to think about whether I can continue without these things as he doesn't want to hold me back

No OP, he has gone off you for whatever reason and has suggested you dump him because he’s too big a coward to dump you himself.

YourWildAmberSloth · 19/01/2025 16:36

General11 · 19/01/2025 15:44

I've been with a separated man for 2 years. He has 3 children already with ex, and their separation has been difficult for him to navigate. He's always been open to more children and marriage, until around 6 months ago when he started to voice doubts about these things for his future. He's now also suddenly reluctant to own a house together. I'm of the opinion that this may be trauma and fear talking, given his current difficulties, but has gone from open, to not sure, to will think about it to no and won't change his mind. I know he loves me, and has asked me to think about whether I can continue without these things as he doesn't want to hold me back.

What do you think, is this trauma/fear talking and it's likely he may feel differently down the line when things settle for him personally? Or is this relationship doomed? I am late 20's, he is late 30's.

He has told you clearly what he wants/doesn't want. He spelled it out and asked you a simple question - are you happy to continue without marriage and children? If the answer is no, then you need to walk away.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 19/01/2025 16:37

His life is chaotic enough.. He doesn't want more added..
Move on or accept you won't have dc of your own. Resentment may finish your relationship anyway.

ThatAmberLemur · 19/01/2025 16:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/01/2025 16:39

I disagree that it’s trauma or fear talking, I think it’s actually that he’s realising the reality of life and what he wants out of it.

He already has 3 children, I’m not surprised he doesn’t want anymore, that’s a lot of people to be relying on him.

I’m also not surprised he doesn’t want to buy a house together, it’s very common for people that have had long term relationship break down and have then had to go through the stress and upheaval of buying out/selling/moving out/starting over to actually just want to set themselves up somewhere that is secure for them, nobody with any rights over or to it, so they know that actually they’ll never have to go through that upheaval again. Separating especially after kids makes people realise that even the relationships that are great at the start can end badly and knowing that means they just want to protect themselves and their space, that’s really normal.

If you’re not happy for that to be your future then this isn’t the man for you.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 19/01/2025 16:40

Run like the wind before you waste anymore time.

YourWildAmberSloth · 19/01/2025 16:43

General11 · 19/01/2025 16:20

Thank you everyone, I feared this may be the response. I just don't want it to be the case as I love him and want a life with him. I guess I will need to either accept it or move on.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat we have a reasonable combined income so I don't think this is about money, or potential lack there of.

Edited

Your 'reasonable combined income' is irrelevant, he will still have 4+ children that he will be financially responsible for. Unless he has a substantial income of his own, money will undoubtedly be a factor,

Twaddlepip · 19/01/2025 16:45

Don’t waste your life on him. Find someone without the shitshow of baggage in tow. Three kids already?! No thanks.

orangewasp · 19/01/2025 16:45

Stop with the understanding psychoanalysis and take him at his word. Find someone who's at the same life stage as yourself.

crumblingschools · 19/01/2025 16:49

Maybe reality of having 3 children and splitting finances with ex has hit. 3 children is more than enough. If he marries you and puts assets into the marriage then risking his children not getting them in the future.

TwistedWonder · 19/01/2025 16:50

Please also be very wary of dating not long separated men going forward OP because it’s a red flag imo that they jump straight out of one relationship into the next before the bed even got cold.
You'll often end up as the rebound

Pelot · 19/01/2025 16:51

Throw this one back. He wants his freedom. Give it to him.

Gymmum82 · 19/01/2025 16:51

He got swept away in the novelty and excitement of a new relationship. He wanted to do/say anything to keep you around. Now reality has set in and he’s realised that actually he has enough children and doesn’t want or need any more. If that’s a deal breaker for you then you need to find someone else who wants the same things as you

OurFlagMeansAfternoonTea · 19/01/2025 16:52

I think he's being sensible. He knows what having children involves and doesn't want anymore.

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