He doesn't want more children

[General11]

I've been with a separated man for 2 years. He has 3 children already with ex, and their separation has been difficult for him to navigate. He's always been open to more children and marriage, until around 6 months ago when he started to voice doubts about these things for his future. He's now also suddenly reluctant to own a house together. I'm of the opinion that this may be trauma and fear talking, given his current difficulties, but has gone from open, to not sure, to will think about it to no and won't change his mind. I know he loves me, and has asked me to think about whether I can continue without these things as he doesn't want to hold me back.

What do you think, is this trauma/fear talking and it's likely he may feel differently down the line when things settle for him personally? Or is this relationship doomed? I am late 20's, he is late 30's.

100%

He’s not just doubting children but the house too. Sorry OP, I think he wants out but lacks courage.

Reasonable combined income?

He's not even divorced. He's looking at things like property, pension, and investment splits, child support for 3 kids, educational and vacation funding, private health care costs if needed and more. He's likely to spend many years getting back to where he is now.

You haven't even mentioned his children. Do they know about you and if so, are they ok with their dad having a GF and possibly another family?

He's decided that for whatever reasons, he doesn't want to buy property with you or have any more children.

He's suddenly woken up to reality, or had good advice from someone. He's got 3 kids, that's a hell of a lot of responsibility and expense. The idea of starting again with a baby in his late 30's is bloody terrifying and quite frankly who can blame him. He certainly doesn't need more children!

OP, have you also thought about the impact that 3 step children would have on your life too? Step parenting is usually not for the faint hearted (especially with 3 of them) and throwing a new baby into the mix far too often brings a lot of grief and complications. I think you need to give those rose tinted spectacles a good wipe.

He doesn’t want the same things you want anymore.

He’s asking you if you can continue on his terms. Essentially living alone (as you won’t want a lifetime renting if you can afford to buy) or living as a guest in his house without any commitment and being step mum to his kids while not having any of your own. You get to be the forever girlfriend.

Not one separated, significantly older, lots of kids?

They often recruit a 'nanny with a fanny'. Make sure they have a young woman to have sex with, do some babysitting, get all the lovely things from having a partner, but really don't want to have another family.

It's quite odd. I know two men like this and instead of looking for an older woman, who has chosen not to have children, they look for younger ones who are desperate to prove their 'mum' credentials by taking up the man's slack. It's truly awful. They waste young women's time and fertile years.

I think you should find a man with less baggage. He’s at a completely different stage to you. Three children really is a lot already and he may be coming to the realisation that he doesn’t want to commit again. Don’t waste your fertile years with him if having children is a must for you.

The relationship is only 'doomed' if you feel that having your own children is a dealbreaker. You need to make a choice. If you step away, there is no guarantee that you will eventually have children with someone else, but you will avoid other potential problems, such as the age difference and the world of woe that step-parenting can be.

Is he worth never having children for as that's what is on the table here?

Why should he want more children? He’s in his late 30s and he’s got three already. I don’t think very many people who have three kids would be especially keen to have another when they’re pushing 40, frankly. You don’t have to be traumatised to feel your breeding days are over! It’s around this age, after having kids already, that a lot of my male friends got vasectomies. They’re not traumatised. They just don’t want more babies.

Why did the relationship with the mother of his three children break down? What has he told you about that? Does he have a good relationship with her? Have you met her? And what is your relationship with his children like?

As others have said, it's a huge step to have children with someone who already has them, there are so many things to consider which aren't there when you are having a child with someone who is also currently childless. Having a baby is a big enough deal without all these other things to think about!

Be grateful that what you interpret as his "fear" or "trauma" is giving you a breathing space to really think about this and what you want from this relationship or subsequent ones.

Your values and goals don't align anymore. Your relationship is over. Your only in your 20' and you only have one life. Move on and meet someone else, preferably someone who doesn't have 3 children to take care of already.

It’s very odd that you are attributing this to “trauma”. What trauma? He’s got divorced, it happens to thousands of people every year, it’s a normal part of life.

it’s also perfectly normal not to want more kids when you’ve already got 3 and you’re nearly 40.

he’s not for you.

I don't think it's any of those things.
Now the first heat of love has worn off, he's back to his senses. He already has quite the responsibility with three children.

If you want children, dump him and find someone else who wants to.

Honestly this is depressing .. to be in your 20’s , your prime and you think the best you can do is a guy 10 years older who is divorced with three kids !!! Read that out load and dump him. Meet someone your own age who doesn’t have as much baggage. Late 30’s 40’s maybe you have to compromise on these sorts of things but at your age the world is your oyster.

Why did the relationship with the mother of his three children break down? What has he told you about that?

I'd be curious as to why he's still separated and not divorced after two years. What's the hold up? If he was actually considering a future with the OP wouldn't he want to close that chapter of his life?

It's not unusual for "separated" men to return to their marriages, especially when children are involved.

Agree here, my ex didn't actively proceed with his divorce because he felt his ex should bear the cost etc (a sign he was controlling i should have noted!). He eventually did it but grudgingly. Another separated ex went back to his ex. Shed left him for her affair partner but came back when it fell apart. It was early days for us but annoying!

As a result I'd never date someone separated / not divorced!