Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Will my heart ever get over this

62 replies

Meanboys · 19/01/2025 11:28

I feel like all I do is cry everyday. It’s been 6 months! My ex and I were together for almost 20 years and I decided to end it as he just did what he likes most of the time and didn’t help with the kids. He told me that he hasn’t loved me for almost 2 years but didn’t do anything about it. He has now met somebody else and the kids have met her etc. I am still hurting so so much even though it was my decision!

OP posts:
Alphabetalphabet · 19/01/2025 11:57

It's very hard for you OP but if he has now told you he hasn't loved you for the last 2 years you know you did the right thing ending things with him.
20 years is a long time and it's bound to take time for you to get over things.
You are yearning for how things used to be when your relationship was good. But that relationship disappeared well before you ended things with him.
Things will get better. Try and concentrate on yourself and on building a new life for yourself.

ChickenShittyBangBang · 19/01/2025 11:59

My then husband's behaviour caused me to hate him for the last few years of our marriage and I would often daydream about what my life would be like without him in it. I therefore couldn't understand why I was so devastated, despite my relief, when he finally left.

I think it's a process you have to go through, especially if you have been together a long time. You have to mourn what you should have had, the future you should have had, the partner he should have been.

You have to get used to your new life, be kind to yourself as you do so. Do little things that will feed your soul, make choices that you want to make. You know those little (hopefully) things you stopped doing because he wasn't keen? start doing them again. Eat the foods you stopped eating because he didn't like them, watch the programmes you didn't watch because he whined all the way through.

You'll probably find your mind on him a lot of the time but that will reduce. If it helps to write things down, do that. I found something the other day where I'd written what I was feeling at the time and was pleasantly surprised to not remember those feelings and to realise how far I've come.

Set yourself a target to find at least one moment of joy every day, whether it's noticing the colours on a bird's feathers, listening to bird song, noticing spring bulbs poking through the ground. Nature is very grounding. You will find the non crying time overtakes the crying time, sometimes just a minute a day, sometimes more, but you will get there. And we're here for you, if you need us, along the way Flowers

Meanboys · 20/01/2025 10:01

ChickenShittyBangBang · 19/01/2025 11:59

My then husband's behaviour caused me to hate him for the last few years of our marriage and I would often daydream about what my life would be like without him in it. I therefore couldn't understand why I was so devastated, despite my relief, when he finally left.

I think it's a process you have to go through, especially if you have been together a long time. You have to mourn what you should have had, the future you should have had, the partner he should have been.

You have to get used to your new life, be kind to yourself as you do so. Do little things that will feed your soul, make choices that you want to make. You know those little (hopefully) things you stopped doing because he wasn't keen? start doing them again. Eat the foods you stopped eating because he didn't like them, watch the programmes you didn't watch because he whined all the way through.

You'll probably find your mind on him a lot of the time but that will reduce. If it helps to write things down, do that. I found something the other day where I'd written what I was feeling at the time and was pleasantly surprised to not remember those feelings and to realise how far I've come.

Set yourself a target to find at least one moment of joy every day, whether it's noticing the colours on a bird's feathers, listening to bird song, noticing spring bulbs poking through the ground. Nature is very grounding. You will find the non crying time overtakes the crying time, sometimes just a minute a day, sometimes more, but you will get there. And we're here for you, if you need us, along the way Flowers

He was literally never home I couldn’t carry on the way it was. He just seems happy with his new woman and I am devastated

OP posts:
ChickenShittyBangBang · 20/01/2025 11:23

I know you are, being cheated on takes a lot of getting used to and over Flowers

My advice on that score is to avoid, if at all possible, any news about either of them. To begin with I was desperate for bad news of the pair of them but I soon learned that any knowledge at all about what was going on in their lives was detrimental to my wellbeing so I made a concerted effort to avoid anything and anyone who would tell me 'the latest'.

Be aware too that people in their position have to show the world how great everything is and how they were meant to be together, despite all the odds Hmm. The reality will be that she now has to endure the bathroom once he's been in there. And she also knows that she's with a cheater. What a prize.

All you can do is build up your life, fill it with positive things as much as you can, and make less room in your head for people who are not worthy of your thoughts Flowers

LadyLucyWells · 20/01/2025 11:26

6 months is still very early days. It took me a good 18 months to recover when my exH (also of 20 years) left. I found a couple of new hobbies really therapeutic. Go with your feelings, eventually and slowly, new things come in to your life and you will heal.

Meanboys · 20/01/2025 11:31

LadyLucyWells · 20/01/2025 11:26

6 months is still very early days. It took me a good 18 months to recover when my exH (also of 20 years) left. I found a couple of new hobbies really therapeutic. Go with your feelings, eventually and slowly, new things come in to your life and you will heal.

Did your ex move on really quickly too? Did the relationship work?

I secretly don’t want it to work, only because of what he did.

OP posts:
BilboBlaggin · 20/01/2025 11:39

It's like a kind of bereavement OP. You're mourning the relationship you wanted but no longer have. Six months is early days still. The fact he's already moved on and has introduced your kids so soon is a further kick in the teeth. Eventually you'll come to terms with it and learn to live with it, but it will take time.

How old are your DC?

Meanboys · 20/01/2025 11:41

BilboBlaggin · 20/01/2025 11:39

It's like a kind of bereavement OP. You're mourning the relationship you wanted but no longer have. Six months is early days still. The fact he's already moved on and has introduced your kids so soon is a further kick in the teeth. Eventually you'll come to terms with it and learn to live with it, but it will take time.

How old are your DC?

They are 7 and 4. I feel like a failure as I just wanted the perfect family for them. I cannot believe he did this to us.

OP posts:
Meanboys · 20/01/2025 11:43

I really don’t feel myself at all

OP posts:
Meanboys · 20/01/2025 11:48

He said he fell out of love with me 2 years ago and grieved the relationship then. Why didn’t he just end it?

OP posts:
Ontherocksthisyear · 20/01/2025 11:50

Sometimes, there is a part of us who hopes they will see the error of their ways, miss us, and come back (even if we are unwilling to take them back). But him having found a new woman, I imagine, is just a kick in the teeth.

Meanboys · 20/01/2025 11:53

Ontherocksthisyear · 20/01/2025 11:50

Sometimes, there is a part of us who hopes they will see the error of their ways, miss us, and come back (even if we are unwilling to take them back). But him having found a new woman, I imagine, is just a kick in the teeth.

Do they ever realise?

OP posts:
Katy7889 · 20/01/2025 12:08

I actually think this sort of heartbreak take about two years to recover from ….. All the best sorry you are going through this.

Meanboys · 20/01/2025 12:13

Katy7889 · 20/01/2025 12:08

I actually think this sort of heartbreak take about two years to recover from ….. All the best sorry you are going through this.

I really don’t want to feel like this for 6 years

OP posts:
Meanboys · 20/01/2025 12:14

2**

OP posts:
Pamelaaaaarrr · 20/01/2025 12:16

Meanboys · 20/01/2025 11:41

They are 7 and 4. I feel like a failure as I just wanted the perfect family for them. I cannot believe he did this to us.

What has he done to you?

You ended the relationship, he said he hadn't been in love with you for two years (which to be honest, harsh, but many people coast along like that - plenty of evidence of it on here, he's met someone else when he was free and single to do so - you didn't want him.

So I am struggling to see why you say "I cannot believe he did this to us."

UmbrellaEllaEllaElla · 20/01/2025 12:18

I'm feeling exactly the same. Although were together 3 years and been broken up coming up to a year now. I feel unwell as a result of the break up.

MoveToParis · 20/01/2025 12:19

Part of being happy is choosing it.
Choose to be happy OP. Sure you will grieve the relationship- but be happy to.

You left him because he was a useless fucker as a husband. You don’t even want him back, you want the fantasy version that slipped away years ago. The guy you got rid of is all that’s on offer.
Given that you do not want him, you must start looking to the future and making it better.

Meanboys · 20/01/2025 12:22

Pamelaaaaarrr · 20/01/2025 12:16

What has he done to you?

You ended the relationship, he said he hadn't been in love with you for two years (which to be honest, harsh, but many people coast along like that - plenty of evidence of it on here, he's met someone else when he was free and single to do so - you didn't want him.

So I am struggling to see why you say "I cannot believe he did this to us."

Going out all the time, working stupid hours and never being at home, never knew when he was coming home. I couldn’t carry on that way but I loved him and really hoped he would change. When I knew it was over I told him, he just treated me like shit for 2 years because he didn’t love me anymore.

OP posts:
Meanboys · 20/01/2025 12:23

UmbrellaEllaEllaElla · 20/01/2025 12:18

I'm feeling exactly the same. Although were together 3 years and been broken up coming up to a year now. I feel unwell as a result of the break up.

I’m sorry you’re still struggling

OP posts:
ChickenShittyBangBang · 20/01/2025 12:31

Meanboys · 20/01/2025 11:48

He said he fell out of love with me 2 years ago and grieved the relationship then. Why didn’t he just end it?

His feet were firmer under your table than hers two years ago.

Telling you he fell out of love with you then is him trying to justify his behaviour.

They very often behave so badly that you really have no choice but to end the relationship. You are then the bad guy, poor him had to stick his dick in a woman he just happened to bump into as he glumly walked away from the joint home with his treasured possesions in a bin liner. It's all bollocks but they can't take responsibility for their behaviour so they fuck with our heads even more and we end up feeling the way we do, reeling at the unfairness and hurt.

Pipsquiggle · 20/01/2025 12:34

Have you asked for CBT / talking therapy from your GP?

I think getting help to reframe your situation would be really beneficial.

Is your ex doing any childcare?

Meanboys · 20/01/2025 12:35

Pipsquiggle · 20/01/2025 12:34

Have you asked for CBT / talking therapy from your GP?

I think getting help to reframe your situation would be really beneficial.

Is your ex doing any childcare?

Yes he has the children one night per week. He takes them out with her and her child

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 20/01/2025 12:38

So while your kids were preschool aged, the really tough bit where they take over everything, start having an opinion and don’t want to do what you ask, or go to bed etc, he decided it wasn’t for him anymore and left you to it? He fucked off and hid from you and the responsibility of parenting and providing support for you, backing you up or any help? How nice of him. Fuck him, OP. Fuck him off and stop thinking about him.

Today is a new day. A day when you are not thinking of what should have been. No more destructive thoughts.

Get busy. Join a sports team, preferably a club where’s there some male company. Take up hobbies. Learn to sail, or surf or learn a language. Engross yourself
in bettering yourself. Presumably exh has the kids for a least weekends? Book a trip away.

fruitbrewhaha · 20/01/2025 12:39

One night a week! Fuck that. Tell him he needs to do a Friday to Monday and do something amazing.