Will my heart ever get over this

[Meanboys]

I feel like all I do is cry everyday. It’s been 6 months! My ex and I were together for almost 20 years and I decided to end it as he just did what he likes most of the time and didn’t help with the kids. He told me that he hasn’t loved me for almost 2 years but didn’t do anything about it. He has now met somebody else and the kids have met her etc. I am still hurting so so much even though it was my decision!

What do you like doing? What do you always wish you could do? Do it.

I just mean it’s early days but hopefully it will get easier 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

I don’t actually know the answer to that. I need to figure it out!

You're not peri menopausal are you? I know that it gets trotted out for a lot of things on here, but I just know that I got extremely weepy and didn't put two and two together until I went on HRT and suddenly found that I felt fine again.

I’m 34 so not sure what age that starts?

I will never know for sure but I think something had started with someone else before he left. He admitted to dating her after 6 months of leaving me, she was someone he knew so I assume there was an overlap. He moved in with her after a year. Very quick, I think. Introduced the kids to her within a year, too. It was an awful time for me.

What helped me so, so much was learning about and understanding why. The Runaway Husbands book, website and private Facebook group helped me so much. I did not want to feel angry and I wanted to remain on good terms with him because I know he is not a bad person (I know people will disagree and not understand this but I know he isn't). I met someone else after 2 years of our separation. I had healed by then and decided that being alone for the rest of my life would be fine. But I did meet someone lovely and that relationship healed so much pain. The relationship with my exH was very up and down and he was right to end it. We had had counselling and had separated before a few times. I think the rejection (which came out of the blue as I thought things had seemed fine) and seeing him move on so quickly hurt.

I hope this helps, I know how tough it is but you will heal.

I am so sorry, I didn't actually answer your question - yes, he is still with her. She has proven to be amazing with our dc (older teens now) and that is all that matters to me. I like her, he is happy and I am happy so he was right to end it. I just all takes time for the storm to settle.

Men do seem to move on more quickly than women, I think. It may work, or may not. I now find myself hoping that my ex and his partner will stay together forever as I hate the thought of him being lonely. I never thought I would feel that way in the eye of the storm. But you heal.

I suppose I just thought it would never end this way. We was so happy pre kids it just went massively down hill after that.

Do you believe things happen for a reason?

It often does. They don't like the responsibility of having to adult.

Oh OP, i have been there too. My ex of 20+ years, always other women on the fringes of our relationship but not enough to end things. Until 6 years ago he tried to get a mutual friend into bed, he had always fancied her and i found out before anything happened.

It broke me but we stayed together. 3 years later i ended it as i couldnt cope anymore, there was other things but the main one was that the trust was gone.

When he moved out i felt relief and i knew i did the right thing. After 2 months he moved in with the woman who he tried to have the affair with.

it broke my heart but i felt i had no right to feel that as i ended things, and it also dragged up the feelings from before when i had discovered things.

It really did knock me for six and i mourned the relationship we had, the future i thought we were going to have and for the man he used to be.

Everytime i felt overwhelmed and felt i couldnt cope i just thought to myself "This will pass, this feeling will pass" and it always did. The sadness would hit like a thunderbolt but the feeling always passed.

My favourite mantra was "Sadness flies away on the wings of time"

I am now with someone else who is lovely and i am head over heels for him.

Give yourself time to grieve and expect your feelings to change day by day, hour by hour even.

Completely normal. You start of on such a high, with such high hopes for the future. I always say to my dc (and it it true) that I always have and always will love their dad. I would not have married him otherwise! I think that often, people just grow apart. These feelings are all normal and all part of the process.

Really? They only see him once a week at the moment and they have to share his attention with the other women AND her child ? It sounds from your description as if he’s a bit selfish. Does what works for him, what’s convenient for him, puts himself first. I could be wrong, apologies if I am. But if he is then you are well rid of him. You are just missing a better version of him, which as someone else said, is not the real him anymore.

Echo therapy - also books! Start with 'new rules' by Margarita Nazarenko, she is fab. You won't always feel like this.

It’s pretty awful that he’s trying to play happy blended families with her and her child so quickly. I would hugely disrespect him for that.

The reason he didn’t end it 2yrs ago is because he’s a coward and wanted you to end it and be seen as the bad guy. He’s despicable.

Yes now he says this is what you wanted. No it wasn’t, I wanted you to be at home more and be a present father instead of swanning off to weekend long festivals etc with god knows who.

It’s the fact that my 4 year old son told me he went to the circus with dad and this woman and her son. He didn’t have the balls to tell me himself which I find more disrespectful than them actually going.

We read that all the time on MN after kids it changes.

Thinking about it would you really feel better if he'd left you ?

It sounds like you were pretty much alone in the 'relationship ' before you split up.

A lot of (most) men always get straight in to a new relationship.

It's early days OP.

Yes I was extremely lonely

I feel guilty as I haven’t been myself for a good while and the kid’s must’ve noticed

I also genuinely thought I didn’t love him anymore so why am I so upset. I thought I would’ve coped with it a lot lot better

You did the right thing and while you are hurting you are being far more genuine. You are mourning the family life you were trying to create and of course you are hurt that you feel this man and his new woman are living it instead.
They are not living in reality if they only have your children one evening a week.
Yes, he’s met someone he wants to be with in some way and it’s the honeymoon period. Saying he hasn’t loved you for two years is cruel and immature.
I am in 50’s and do know this - unless you deal with your behaviours, you take the same old shit into the next relationship. So whatever is going on now, the minute the shine wears off he will start to repeat what he did before.
You are the one who has an opportunity. You stood and said you were no longer prepared to be treated so badly.
You were honest and did the right thing. Now you feel pain because you are facing up to that loss. It hurts he had met someone else with a child.
But that honesty brings growth. Which means over time, you will heal. You will trust your gut instincts. You will know better and do better. You will get through the grief and feel yourself again. You are feeling the pain now because it’s the price of healing and building a better future.
He is avoiding it by jumping ship, and chances are he will do it again and never learn.
You could still be with him causing yourself personal damage.
You chose yourself and your children for a better life. It hurts now but it WILL get better.

Thank you so much

I have asked him to do every other weekend and he said he will think about it and I don’t call the shots.