Is this modern dating? If so,I'm out!!

[startagain12000]

So I have found myself just on the right side of 50, single again after a long term relationship.

I dated someone years ago who at the time I didn't want to pursue. My life was complicated so I called time on it, twice.

Anyway, this person has suddenly reappeared, coinciding with me being in a place where my head was getting together after my relationship ending.

So we start texting, catching up at first. He keeps texting every few days, this turns to banter, to flirting etc etc.

We eventually meet up after weeks of texting and the chemistry was insane. Not what I was expecting at all.

So flirty texting continues and we arrange to see each other again. Again, chemistry off the scale and we ended up picking up where we left it years ago, if you know what I mean.

Anyway he contacted me the next day. Great!! I thought!! Then nothing. For days and days. The longest period of no texting since we have been back in contact.

He then reaches out to say hi and a bit about what he's been up to, asking how I am. And then nothing!!

WTF is this? He pursued me and now I think has gone
ghost. What is that all about? Not great for the old self esteem which was already on the floor 🤣

Anyone who has been on the newly single scene want to try and explain modern day dating to a newbie please? Or how to navigate men in their 40's?

Sex without commitment, that's what they all want.

You could just ask him, where does he think you guys are now, was it a one off or what, but tbh, his lack of contact is speaking volumes.

Pull back and be less available and don't take his lack of effort personally. Good luck!

Ugh just re-read your post didn't realise you'd slept together, agree with the above poster. Sex without commitment is what they're looking for, so sorry. He'll be back when he's wanting sex again and can't get it elsewhere. Throw this one back and block.

He give me the whole spiel about not being into one night stands blah blah blah.

Surely older men still don't just seek sex with no strings like rampant teens.

I don't chase at all. If he doesn't contact he will literally never hear from me again. It's the way I've always been.

Did you have any conversation about what was going on? This sounds like a very causal situation. But it doesn’t sound like he wants to get to know you. But this isn’t you it’s just how it is. I’m 34 and I’ve been single 5 years- a lot of men want no strings sex and an ego boost. Nothing more.

He's keeping you warm - not ghosting because he might want to shag you again to the future, but doesn't want a relationship.

They absolutely do 😅

Yep they do the same spiel! It's no better than your 20s

I’d have a mature chat with him to say something along the lines of, you’re not trying to steam ahead into the future but you’d like an idea about how he feels about you especially as you’ve been intimate now. I really hate that we’re somehow made to feel needy by asking for some respect and any level of commitment to keeping something going after sleeping with a guy, it’s bullshit. If he responds badly to you asking for some honesty then you have all you need to know. Good luck x

I'm being a bit tongue in cheek about it but tbh I am a little bit gutted. We got on really well so I am a little surprised by the U turn. And the sex was great too ha ha. That'll teach me. Looks like I could be in for quite a ride with this single again life.

You hit the nail on the head. The fear of coming across as needy is massive and I don't know what. I have been second guessing every conversation so I don't come across as clingy or anything. Why do we feel the need to be like this?

I'm confused, have you contacted him since? If not then surely you're playing more games than him and it's you that is doing the ghosting? You're supposed to be a mature adult why aren't you talking to him if you're still interested?
Sorry if I've got that wrong and you are getting silence to your contact. Otherwise I'm not sure a dating strategy of letting yourself and encouraging being chased, then putting out only to go silent after is going to see you well back on the dating scene, it's a 2 party venture...

Yes I have reached out since and we had a brief flirty back and fore which never really went anywhere. Then the days of silence followed after that. I did reply when he sent message about what he's been up to. Then days of silence have followed again.

My single friend is in a 40s plus meet up group and some of her war stories are shocking. The entitlement and the disgusting behaviour of some of the men on the group beggars belief.

I think the internet has ruined men personally.

Yeah I was wondering this as well. Men can of course be all about sex without commitment at any age. They can also be insecure at the start of a relationship just like women - he could have been waiting for you to text and not wanting to seem needy just like you. After all, you say you called time on things twice.

Sorry - cross post there, bloody Mumsnet froze so I didn't see your reply.

He got what he wanted.
Chase over.
Level complete.

I've been on the dating scene for years and this is so standard I knew what you were going to post just from your thread title.

It's shit but I've learnt the hard way that this is very common and in order to protect myself I choose to wait a long time before sleeping with someone.

I'm sorry he treated you this way x

They do 🫢

Honestly OP, I would take the silence for days as him being an only half interested head fxxk.

I wouldn't dream of asking for clarification, he's been very very clear.

If he was very keen he wouldn't be trying to mess you around.

You are a nice convenience, thats all.
Sorry.

He's just not that into you.

They really are a different bread. I actually liked him too.

*breed

I think the flirty chatting by text, you see this on here a lot, sometimes people have chatted ( not spoken ) for months, without meeting
It just suggests that they have other things and people going on to me.

It's really shitty!
I was very naive when I first started dating,
And I believed what men said..
I was hurt so many times.

I've taken time and done a lot of work on self esteem, boundaries etc (and it still affects me just not as badly)

Let yourself feel abit crap but remind yourself you've dodged a bullet!

I think just block and move forward . If he messages you won't know and if you happen to bump into him and he asks just say you felt he was/ was going to mess you around so you withdraw from the conversation. I also don't think it's a great idea to reconnect with an old flame in general.
I dated in my forties. It is the same re highs and lows as the 30s. There are some good ones. It can feel a bit of a chore to find a genuine connection but can also be fun. Good luck