Is this modern dating? If so,I'm out!!

[startagain12000]

So I have found myself just on the right side of 50, single again after a long term relationship.

I dated someone years ago who at the time I didn't want to pursue. My life was complicated so I called time on it, twice.

Anyway, this person has suddenly reappeared, coinciding with me being in a place where my head was getting together after my relationship ending.

So we start texting, catching up at first. He keeps texting every few days, this turns to banter, to flirting etc etc.

We eventually meet up after weeks of texting and the chemistry was insane. Not what I was expecting at all.

So flirty texting continues and we arrange to see each other again. Again, chemistry off the scale and we ended up picking up where we left it years ago, if you know what I mean.

Anyway he contacted me the next day. Great!! I thought!! Then nothing. For days and days. The longest period of no texting since we have been back in contact.

He then reaches out to say hi and a bit about what he's been up to, asking how I am. And then nothing!!

WTF is this? He pursued me and now I think has gone
ghost. What is that all about? Not great for the old self esteem which was already on the floor 🤣

Anyone who has been on the newly single scene want to try and explain modern day dating to a newbie please? Or how to navigate men in their 40's?

He pursued you with the aim of having a shag.
On the second meet up you shagged.
He’s now moved on.

It’s not complex or difficult to understand is it?

It's the same the other way around aswell unfortunately
The number of one word replies ... half arsed replies or even ... no reply ... to messages sent after " matches" and careful reading of profiles to make a decent opening message is soul destroying after a while.
I'm M 42 and setting the search age 5 years either side still seem to have the same response.
I do have my kids full time though so at least I'm allways busy and preoccupied haha

Have you heard of the burned haystack method? There’s a fb group and she’s on instagram. I didn’t follow it exactly when I was on apps, but it’s really interesting. But its main premise is basically what you have said here.

It’s good to know this perspective. However I checked out years ago and am the happiest person I know 😂

I think I'd reach out with a very casual text saying how are you etc etc. When suits to meet? Again very casually worded. You'll get your answer then and you'll know whether to move on or invest more time. I would keep it light hearted and say oh I've been really busy just touching base etc.

If you like him and want to see him again then yes, get in touch and suggest another date.

If he doesn't reply/says no, then you are no worse off than you are now. At least this way you'd have closure/can move on rather than sitting wondering about it.

Ha ha ha! Yeah. No they do. It’s grim out there.

I’m kind of confused. I’ve seen posts on here before (and other places) that say if a man is truly interested in you, he will do the pursuing, or at the very least, if you’re questioning whether he’s interested, he likely isn’t.
I actually think OP is sensible in this regard.
FWIW one of my exes was very hot and cold like this. It never got better and he ended it by never replying when I asked when we could see each other again.

My work colleague has just been cheated on by her 'boyfriend' - he is 70 years old!

Some of them never stop tbh

No he’s not interested.

This. Just ask him straight. Don't die wondering.

Block delete and move on

I have a male colleague who was divorced a few years ago.

in the months afterwards, he bounced around the neighbourhood like an alley cat and told me all about his exploits during his lunch hours.

Another year later, he asked me out and I declined saying that hearing about his 60 recent conquests was a distinct turn off. He looked completely blank and disputed the number until I reminded him.

Not only could he not remember their names, he literally couldn't remember them. It was like asking him to remember having a poo. 😫

Block and move on.

If you want a meaningful relationship, you need to hold off on the bedroom activity until you have sussed them out.

I've never done OLD so I'll admit I know nothing about it.

But... I don't see what he did wrong?

What did you want?

You had sex. He called after.

Is the expectation of daily texts after sex?

TBH, I wouldn't be making much effort with someone who'd already ditched me twice before. I'd assume you were going to do it again.

Personally I'd just invite him somewhere.
You are not a kid waiting to date. If he fudges he's not interested.

Fwiw my best friend (63) joined a dating site for people who were seeking sex. She was inundated. She's pretty and likes the sport. It's been hysterical listening to the stories of guys she rejected. One got quiet upset she wouldn't see him again.
Perhaps we need to be more man about it?
I've been married a long time and love my husband dearly but I'd never marry again. Arses most of them.

Didn’t you end things with him before though, twice? So he’s probably thinking youre playing games as much as he is.

Maybe he just wanted the ego boost of knowing you would still go back there. He doesn’t sound interested regardless so I would just move on.

I get what you mean and I do think that if anything happened to my husband or of we split up, I'd probably just do casual hook ups! But, I grew up in the 90s and they DRILLED into us about stds and I'm terrified of them now. It was all even with condoms you'll definitely get something life limiting or whatever. Between that and diet culture in the 90s they did an absolute number on us millenials 😂

Have an adult conversation about what you want. You say you've been involved with him twice before and twice have "called time" on it. I'd expect him to think you'd be likely to do that again so unless there's been a conversation in which you've said you want commitment why should he think you're keen for a relationship?

Also you don't sound that bothered - more worried about being the one to blink first. Fine - and fine if you just want chemistry, (aka sex). But if you do want more then you'll both need to be clear you're on the same page.

Ok so taking on board all the replies, I wondered if I had over thought the women should not text, chase thing. And then panicked that he may think I'm playing games after the past history.

Anyway, I came right out of my comfort zone and sent him a message to say hi. Sat here shaking in my own vulnerability and he text me straight back.

Sounds like you and he had different ideas about the relationship- he wanted no strings sex, you wanted more. If you want a serious relationship you need to stay focused on finding someone who wants the same. You will need to polish and fine tune your bullshit radar and be more like a detective. Spend the first few dates doing your due diligence- ask a lot of questions and don't just listen to their answers also observe their behaviour, listen carefully to how they talk about past partners and so on. Notice everything and consider everything. Take things slowly and don't have sex until you are sure he's serious. If he is serious he won't mind waiting. If he just wants a shag he will get fed up of having to spend money on dating and will be trying to move towards sex. One thing that struck me was you said the chemistry was insane - that suggests to me he had sex on his mind all along. Otherwise why was there no working through and resolving your historical relationship? He was happy to just jump straight to sex, and that's because it was all he was after.

Yay! Now quick, suggest a second date so he knows you're definitely interested.

It does sound like that in the slightest.

Great! Have either of you suggested getting together again?