Is this modern dating? If so,I'm out!!

[startagain12000]

So I have found myself just on the right side of 50, single again after a long term relationship.

I dated someone years ago who at the time I didn't want to pursue. My life was complicated so I called time on it, twice.

Anyway, this person has suddenly reappeared, coinciding with me being in a place where my head was getting together after my relationship ending.

So we start texting, catching up at first. He keeps texting every few days, this turns to banter, to flirting etc etc.

We eventually meet up after weeks of texting and the chemistry was insane. Not what I was expecting at all.

So flirty texting continues and we arrange to see each other again. Again, chemistry off the scale and we ended up picking up where we left it years ago, if you know what I mean.

Anyway he contacted me the next day. Great!! I thought!! Then nothing. For days and days. The longest period of no texting since we have been back in contact.

He then reaches out to say hi and a bit about what he's been up to, asking how I am. And then nothing!!

WTF is this? He pursued me and now I think has gone
ghost. What is that all about? Not great for the old self esteem which was already on the floor 🤣

Anyone who has been on the newly single scene want to try and explain modern day dating to a newbie please? Or how to navigate men in their 40's?

Don't men like that realise they will probably spend forever actually being really lonely?

But they lack the emotional depth and availability to actually connect with someone.
So they don't feel lonely
They get to take beautiful, interesting, lovely, caring women on dates
They get to have communication from them (and all the feel good hormones such as dopamine)
They get to have sex
But they don't have to commit or be vulnerable.

For them it's kinda win win

I wouldn't waste time on this guy. Perhaps nail your colour down and say you want a relationship if you really like him and gauge what his response is. If he is sketchy on the idea then delete his contact.

Oh come on, you admit that you haven’t contacted him either, because you don’t “chase”. Why should he be the the one to “chase”?

I would pick up on your coldness, and wouldn’t contact you either

Of course they do. You'll find them in their 70s and still after a casual bonk. And convinced they are still God's gift to women.

I've just started OLD for the first time. They are all so terribly predictable. I quickly establish my rules

• starts sex talk before meeting - block
• sends me a picture of his member - block
• stares at my cleavage (or anyone else's) on a first date - block
• Tries to insist on 'popping round with a pizza' for a first date - block

The over 50s are much like 17yos as far as I can tell. Finding one who can hold a conversation is like searching for the holy grail. 😂

I think this is the case, sadly.

So sorry to hear this happened. I can see your hurt and expected more respect from an old flame. I would feel the same too

Exactly. What they want is the validation and ego boost - they don’t have to commit to anything that way. Then if at any point they feel there may be any expectations at all it’s on to the next person.

Their egos often can't comprehend such an outcome for a long time.

Funnily enough men like that as they approach 60, often start scrambling for a nice kind nurturing woman, "nurse with a purse" and are THEN suddenly very focused on pursuit.

At nearly 60 I have quite a few women in my circle that have men friends that they share golfing days out with etc. but have refused any suggestion of a change of liviing arrangements.
They have families and a nice circle of friends, love their independence and have zero interest in "minding" any man.

It has been interesting watching this over the past 10 years and listening to the stories.
The woman were very very happy when health issues came up for some of these men in their mid/late 60's, that they were not going to be involved in their care.

Hilarious how the familys of several widows were very very anti any new relationship for several years, but then suddenly were quick to engage when care duties and driving to appointments became necessary.🤔

They under estimated the ladies who were very quick to step away and be very firm that they had zero plans whatsoever to be an unpaid carer.
Several children were very surprised by this.
So entitled.

The women were very thankful they had never been pursuaded to move in together and firmly kept their independence.

Others have noted these outcomes and whilst in the golf club there are quite a few "friendships" I haven't heard of a single amalgamation of living arrangements in 5+ years.

The happiest new couple I know are two women who bought a bungalow in a fantastic location in my city and have reconfigured it into three bedrooms ensuite, two sitting rooms and a shared kitchen with a lovely little garden.
One has a gorgeous apartment in Alvor Portugal that they also use at different times too.
They have support and companionship, their own space some shared friends, some they don't.
3 years on they are the happiest "couple" and friends are laughingly calling them #relationshipgoals😁.

I think it sounds whonderful.

I bet that list saves you a LOT of time on wasters.

I'm reading the above slightly different to most posters @startagain12000 , especially the bit where you say you "don't chase".

Have you organised a date yet? He got in touch initially, I'm guessing he initiated the initial meetup, he's the one who's initiated contact twice since you slept together. He's probably looking for a bit of reciprocation at this point, I'd certainly be a bit unsure at this point whether you were really interested in me if I hadn't had at least a "Shall we go out again soon?" from you.

As someone single in my 50’d after a long term marriage, my experience is yes most older men are either looking for no strings no commitment sex, chasing women 20 years their junior or want anurse with a purse to cook, clean and wipe their arse.

And most of them do say they are looking h for a relationship if it means they get sex.

As another PP said getting decent conversation that isn’t monosyllabic or cringey sex talk is like finding a unicorn at the end of your garden.

Its depressing

Was that actual dating though ?
It sounds more like two exs getting together for a catch up and an oops we did it again moment.
I haven't dated for 25+ years ( married ) and know it's all different now , but from what you said , I don't think that would be dating in my eyes .

It's went like this

He reached out the morning after I replied and then nothing.

I reached out the next day. He replied. I replied back. Then nothing.

Then there was days and days of silence.

He reached out, I replied then there was nothing.

Silence ever since.

Should I reach out again? Really don't know what I'm doing.

What @ilovecushionsandflowers and @Machachacha said.

Men can be very clinical about getting their practical needs met.

Best not to get emotionally invested until you are sure he is in it for a proper long-term relationship, @startagain12000 .

Women Who Love Too Much is a classic with lots of useful advice.

Well then maybe he got sick of your lack of interest.

He came back because he fancied a shag and thought you'd put out.

Free yourself from this vicious cycle, you won't get a meaningful relationship with this guy.

Personally, I don't see why you couldn't just chuck him message saying "Fancy a couple of drinks next Friday" and see what happens.

Admittedly, I've been out of the dating scene for 20 years at this point, but I used to find the point after we'd first had sex the most awkward and difficult part, and I fucked up so many potential relationships by just not knowing what to say. I eventually worked out that the best option was to just organise another date for as soon as possible after and avoid the whole weird texting bit in between.

I'm not saying that all men are the same, there's certainly plenty who will think I've had my fun, time to move on. But what harm can sending one text do?

I am single in my sixties, and have never been single for any length of time before. I have NEVER been hit on as often or by such a variety of men in my entire life. I am no beauty but I am independent, financially sound and I have adult children and that seems to be all it takes for men these days. Basically, does it have a pulse and does it walk upright, and they are in there trying their luck.

I have no idea what their motives may be because I am not dating at all (these are men I meet in the everyday course of events, not on dating sites), but I suspect all of them think I will either be easy sex or want to look after them, either physically or financially.

I just wish I'd been this popular with the opposite sex in my twenties...

He got what he wanted.
Chase over.
Level complete.

If I had money I'd pay to put this on a billboard or a TV public service announcement. Men rarely consider women they sleep with on the first night marriage material. It's shit but I don't make the rules.

This happened to me two months ago. I was dating someone Spring-Summer 2024, split, rekindled Nov24, slept together and then he ghosted me. I was annoyed but ignored him and moved on.
Then he contacted me a few weeks later and of course I told him off about the ghosting.
In any case, I think that a man who grooms a woman and disappears after he sleeps with her is simply a bad person. This is mistreatment and abuse, thus I wouldn’t like him as a boyfriend. Good fun after divorce but nothing more.
I think these are the perks of dating. Very often it’s hit and miss. Good luck with the next one.

I'd dispute this, but only because I don't think men look for marriage material at all.

We're not dating anyone with the outlook of "I'm looking for someone to spend my life with". We're not that forward thinking. We're looking for someone who's company we enjoy right now. Sometimes at some point down the line we find ourselves madly in love and realise "I want to spend my life with this person", but it's never the aim at the outset.

Hahaha. I’ve been propositioned 3 times in the last 6 months. Im 54.

Men in their 50s are exactly the same as they were when you were last single. They’re a bit lonelier, more desperate and their standards are lower.

It’s not about whether you sleep with him or night 1 or night 365 it’s what he’s after.

This guy clearly just wanted to pull the one that got away.

It's hard to know as " reaching out" doesn't say much about what you actually said. Did you eg say do you fancy meeting up on Wed evening or whatever? You are a grown woman and shouldn't wait to be asked out ( sorry if that's not the case) . Your time is important too.
I've been in your position and am now married again. I did find that some men were unfathomable - gaze into your eyes for hours then nothing, the immediate " no connection", the men who are still hung up on their previous marriage and won't settle with anyone. They come in all shapes and sizes as do we.
It is a numbers game though. Chalk up your great sex either way this man as a bonus to take forward with you to your next relationship.