Boyfriend felt pressured by ring shopping discussion

[Autumntimes]

Both in our early to mid 30s so I thought a year and a half is plenty of time to be engaged for our age. We are also living together now. We have discussed marriage and kids and I mentioned that I would not like to be together for more than 2 years and still don’t have a solution plan if we would get married. He seemed to be ok with the timeline but he never actively brought up the timeline convo again. I recently started to look at rings and I never try one on before. My friend who just got married recently has been encouraging me to at least start looking and it would take time to find something I like anyways so I should start looking for fun. I expressed to my bf that we should maybe go ring shopping together. He seemed ok to it at first. Today he finally mentioned that I am pressuring him and that I had been talking about it too much. Maybe I had been but I was just excited for the future and the fact that a few of my friends just got married recently made me feel the highs of being engaged. I freaked out and asked what he meant and he said he didn’t mean it in a negative way.
Now my head is all over the place. We had been talking about marriage for a while and he even wrote down the different shapes and cuts of rings that I came across on the Internet. I thought we were on the right direction. I had told him that I just wanted to do ring shopping for fun and did not expect this reaction.
Now I don’t want to even think about marrying him anymore. The relationship has been very good otherwise and he has genuinely been a good partner to me and his family is amazing to me.
Am I being dramatic? I feel dramatic because as the words came out of his mouth, my tears just wouldn’t stop dropping I had to take a cold shower to calm myself down. I can’t quite fantom whether it was the shame of me even asking to go for ring shopping or the fact that someone who I thought loved me would even feel pressured by ring shopping talk.

@Autumntimes

So let me see if I have this right. You have set yourself a 2 year time limit to become engaged/get married. Fine, you're entitled to set such limits for yourself. Has he always known this or was this just something you decided on your own? Because that makes a difference.

If he's always known that you have this timetable then he's always known the clock is ticking. It's now 6 months from your 'due date' and he should know it's 'shit or get off the pot' time. So it sounds to me as if he has no desire to meet your 'deadline'.

If he doesn't know you've had this internal clock ticking, then it's unfair to suddenly spring looking at rings on him. He's been merrily tootling along happily living together and you've dropped a diamond rock on his head.

Either way, sounds as if you have a decision to make. Either give up your timetable for love of him and hope he wants to marry sometime in the future, or cut him loose and look for someone who wants the same as you do.

Then the people you know are as loony as you.

Ring shopping years ahead of a proposal is not a thing for any sane person.

Personally I think just skip the engagement ring and get married. Its the marriage that is important not the ring.

Plenty of time to know, and at your age if you're not the one for him then you need time to meet and get to know someone else.

My parents got engaged after 2 weeks, married in 6 months and were still besotted and in love after 53 years.

I told DH at the one year mark that he needed to decide within the next 12 months as I wanted kids and wasn't hanging about if he wasn't on the same page. Been together 20 years now.

I think you have every right to feel the way you do. He knows you well enough to know if you are the one.

I don't think it's too early to be talking about marriage considering your ages and the fact you live together. You have every right to be upset if that's the way he's made you feel.
Now is the time to have an open and honest discussion about your future. Hope it goes well for you.

It’s really weird to be openly looking at engagement rings when you’re not engaged!!

It also spoils the engagement because it’s not this wonderful surprise, you are basically forcing him into a corner.

This would really put me off wanting to marry you.

Either propose to him or give him a timeline of 12 months to propose or just drop it and give yourself a timeline of how long you’ll wait.

Have you also been to baby stores to look at prams and cots?

I agree that ring shopping together is the best way but after the proposal so no ring at the proposal. Ring shopping together well ahead of getting engaged must be unusual and renders the proposal as a bit fake and staged. The man choosing and buying the ring on his own allows for a romantic surprise proposal with a ring but risks the bride not liking what he chose which would either be really awkward and a downer on the proposal if she told him and they changed it or just quietly disappointing for her and she has to wear the ring every day for the rest of her life,

He's already agreed that he's going to marry you, you're already living together but he's reluctant to buy you a ring? That's not normal and has many red flags. I would give this man the two year deadline and if the wedding day is not planned by them I'll move out because I suspect he may be stringing you along.

Initially @Autumntimes I thought you were already engaged and was going to say, you should have had the wedding conversation before you got engaged. However, it seems he has not even asked you yet, or you him. So I think you are putting the proverbial cart before the horse... and I fear your horse may now bolt.

His timetable is not running alongside your conception clock, if he wanted to get married, he would have asked you, Frankly, if any partner of mine had pulled this stunt, all you would be able to see of me would be dust. As my mother would say, "It is manners to wait until you are asked!"

Why does an engagement ring have to be a surprise?

Would a man appreciate his girlfriend picking the car he drives for the rest of his life as a surprise?

In my extended family, we all get engaged and then shop for the ring afterwards - much more fun and no disappointment.

YABU, and lightly unhinged to be honest; talk about a dramatic overreaction on your part.

Ignore the posters that are telling you to get on with planning the wedding already, JFC, way to make the guy run for the sodding hills.

He's not ready. You need to read that and repeat until it sinks in. He might be ready in six months or he might not, but he's not ready now. It's up to you whether you can live with that or not, but you nagging him about rings isn't going to help.

Tbh if I was your bf I’d run for the hills

18m in and youre going ring shopping for ‘fun’? ( fairly sure most men don’t find any kind of shopping fun)
he feels pressure because you’re pressing for something he’s either not ready for or doesn’t want at all

you need a proper adult conversation but be prepared for that conversation not to end how you want it to

Honestly, it does sound a bit like you’re more interested in the ring than in the marriage - he might be concerned that it’s the trappings and status of a wedding that you’re after rather than actually being with him. It might also just be that he’d like there to be a proposal first.

It seems like a lot of questions need to be asked, and conversations held between the two of you, before you jump to “shall we go ring shopping?”!

18 months is quick for some people, long for others, as this thread evidences. He’s just not there yet. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to.

Never heard of this.

@Birdscratch we had plenty of open conversations about what we wanted in life and we unanimously wanted to be engaged for 2 years max before having a wedding. We are now in a position to do so.

For context, we are both vvv early 30s and in our 6 years we have had 2 DCs and bought a house. All our money went in to deposits, furnishings, maternity leaves. Not a ring and constant postponement of wedding plans. Included our age on here to give you an idea of a career (pay) progression.

Some people just have different priorities and as long as you're on the same page who is to cement a timeframe for proposal?

In our case signing a mortgage tying us for 40 years meant more commitment than a ring

So you’re not even engaged yet and you’ve pressured your boyfriend of 18months to go ring shopping?! Your friend was wrong to encourage such weird, disillusioned behaviour. I think he will run for the hills! That’s the advice I would give to him anyway

18 months is plenty of time when you’re in your 30s. I don’t think it’s helping that you’re already living together as he’s got his cake and can eat it as well. So sorry OP but you deserve better, don’t let him waste anymore of your time. Plenty good fish in the sea as ever came out

Sorry OP, he is not that into you. Find out asap if he really wants to get married to you or not. You have your priorities wrong worrying about a ring- in your 30s your focus should be family planning. Don't get strung along and waste your fertility years if you want children. Talk to him and be clear on your expectations. If things don't change in 6 months then I would be saying goodbye and finding someone else asap. You have been together long enough to know if you want a family together.

I agree.

If my bf was doing this it would really put me off of him.

Also needing to have a cold shower to calm down and stuff.
It all just seems childish and odd behaviour.

This.

OP, you need to figure out if you are okay continuing the relationship as is, or if not marrying and having kids is a deal breaker to you.

If you want kids, you can't afford to waste your time with a man who is clearly not interested. It's not fair on any kids you do end up having. Both partners need to want kids equally.

you don’t need him to go try rings. Go by yourself or with girlfriends. When he is ready, you can be specific of what exactly you want.

You need to be clear with him - do you expect him to just have a plan for engagement agreed by 2 years, or are you expecting to be engaged by 2 years with plans for marriage?

If it's the former then he's only agreed to think about it and still feels he's got 6 more months to decide whether he wants to get married or not. In which case, you are pressuring him as 6 months is what he needs to make up his mind.

If it's the latter then you need to wait till he's proposed or you have proposed, or you've both just agreed to be engaged BEFORE you look at rings. Ring shopping is done after the agreement to get engaged. But if he doesn't think he's agreed to be engaged, just agreed to figure out if he wants to be engaged - you're jumping the gun on rings.

Ask him if he's ready to be engaged. If the answer is No, then you ask him how long he needs to make up his mind and what information does he need he doesn't already have. Then you decide if you can wait. If the answer is yes, ask him what specifically about ring shopping is pressure if he consider himself engaged.

I do think 2 years is enough time at this stage of life to know if you want to be married or not. But you're at 18 months, not 2 years and if he needs another 6 months to figure it out, and you think he's the one - what's the harm in waiting? 6 months is nothing in the span of a lifetime and marriage is a big decision, some people just need more time. But you cannot go ring shopping with him if he's not ready to be engaged. You can do it yourself or with friends, but he isn't in the headspace to engage with it. And you can't force it.

we got engaged at 7 years. he was in hospital, so, no ring. we'd known we'd probably get married for some years. some years before that, we were in town and there was a wedding fair on, and he said "we should go and have a look around. we're probably going to get married one day"
after he was discharged, we shopped together. I know he would have chosen something I like the look of, but he also knows I'm very picky about how a ring feels, between my knuckles and so on.
so, we went together, discussed styles and budget, and I tried on a selection. narrowed it down to three I couldn't choose between, but that I found comfortable and I liked the look of. as there was very little between them, I had him choose his favourite of the three.

Maybe he wants to take the lead in his time. I think you need to back off and enjoy your relationship. If nothing is forthcoming in a few months reconsider. Horrible to feel you pushed.