Boyfriend felt pressured by ring shopping discussion

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Both in our early to mid 30s so I thought a year and a half is plenty of time to be engaged for our age. We are also living together now. We have discussed marriage and kids and I mentioned that I would not like to be together for more than 2 years and still don’t have a solution plan if we would get married. He seemed to be ok with the timeline but he never actively brought up the timeline convo again. I recently started to look at rings and I never try one on before. My friend who just got married recently has been encouraging me to at least start looking and it would take time to find something I like anyways so I should start looking for fun. I expressed to my bf that we should maybe go ring shopping together. He seemed ok to it at first. Today he finally mentioned that I am pressuring him and that I had been talking about it too much. Maybe I had been but I was just excited for the future and the fact that a few of my friends just got married recently made me feel the highs of being engaged. I freaked out and asked what he meant and he said he didn’t mean it in a negative way.
Now my head is all over the place. We had been talking about marriage for a while and he even wrote down the different shapes and cuts of rings that I came across on the Internet. I thought we were on the right direction. I had told him that I just wanted to do ring shopping for fun and did not expect this reaction.
Now I don’t want to even think about marrying him anymore. The relationship has been very good otherwise and he has genuinely been a good partner to me and his family is amazing to me.
Am I being dramatic? I feel dramatic because as the words came out of his mouth, my tears just wouldn’t stop dropping I had to take a cold shower to calm myself down. I can’t quite fantom whether it was the shame of me even asking to go for ring shopping or the fact that someone who I thought loved me would even feel pressured by ring shopping talk.

You want everything your way and have and the most bizarre, immature reaction to him not agreeing with that. I’d be running for the hills if I were him.
The more pleasant alternative is, given he’s noted down all the relevant details, is that he has it all in hand and is putting you off. That happened to one of my friends, they had an argument about getting engaged and he quite literally had the ring in a bag in the boot.

But that’s the problem by ring shopping you’ve agreed to get married, so essentially you’re engaged. He’s not agreed to that yet. OP you’ve jumped ahead. Slow down

Hi OP, I get why you’re feeling the way you are - I met my now husband when I was 29 and I kid you not, all of my friends were already married or engaged. I knew he was the one for me, but I was frustrated that he didn’t want to get engaged just a year or two down the line.

We had a few heated discussions about it in our time, but ultimately I was happy for us to just be together because I loved him. I wanted to be married but I didn’t need to be.

We moved in together after a year. We bought our house when we’d been together for 3 years. He proposed on our 5th anniversary, and it was the most amazing feeling, because we were both 100% committed. We got married a year later and have just had our first baby.

What kept me sane throughout those 5 years was knowing for certain that it WAS going to happen, I just didn’t know when. And that came from many, many conversations over the years.

Also we never went ring shopping together, but on about date 3 I was teasing him a bit and told him, “Oh, by the way, if this works out and we get engaged one day, I’d love a _ ring” (insert description in the gap). 5 years later, the ring he proposed with was the exact one I described.

So actual ring style and look doesn't mean all that much to me, it's the love and care that went behind him looking for something he thought I'd love. It's a wonderful present.
I'd made it clear to him that I was ready for marriage and he just had to let me know when he was so we could do it. I didn't actually expect an engagement.

I worked as a wedding manager for years and honestly I don't know a single couple (professionally or personally) who went ring shopping before being engaged. Both people in the relationship get a say and it does sound like you've decided. That's not fair on him at all.

I had two serious relationships before DH that I thought might lead to marriage and both fell apart because both were not honest and messed me about. When I met DH, I'd had enough, had been by myself by choice for 6 months and was not looking for anything serious.

A week after we met he told me we would get married and I told him to stop being ridiculous. We didn't have sex for 6 weeks after we started dating. He asked me to marry him 3 times and I said no twice and not to ask me again. He waited about another 6 months and then asked me again - and I said yes. We didn't go ring shopping- he had a lovely art deco ring that had been his great-grandmother's and we had it altered to fit me.

My point is he was ready. He was absolutely sure and wasn't going to be put off me because I needed more time. He was sure I was going to say yes (and I did want to, I just wanted to know him better and not feel he might change his mind or turn out to not be the person I thought he was.) I knew he wanted children and I was very upfront from the start about saying I didn't. It's a big thing and he said he'd rather be with me and not have them than not be with me. He was just sure about wanting us to get married and be together. We got married a year later- nothing big and fussy but we'd had the time together and were secure and it felt really right for both of us.

Your DP is not sure and that's that. You can't push him, pressure him and make him if he isn't. All you can do is decide whether you wait and see if he becomes sure or if you are not prepared to wait any longer, you can tell him and leave.

In the end, 5 years later, we did have a baby and then another two. He is the right person for me- haven't doubted him for a minute as DH or as a dad to DC. He always puts us first, has been completely committed to those relationships being the most important things in his life.

You can't make someone be sure. And if he isn't, you should not marry him.

Go for it. Pressure him and see what happens. I told my husband I lived with him and 1 year and a half is enough for people over 30 to take a decision do they want to keep going as a family with all the trimmings. All. Kids, him working, supporting, me getting pregnant, etc

I probably was weird but without a marriage I could not see why he would enjoy having my body. I am not a slut

Hello. Just to offer some thoughts. I think there is some misfocus on the ring here. The key thing is not the ring but the decision to marry. The ring (or the method of proposal) has got nothing to do with the success of the marriage. I understand why a timeline is important to you but my impression (which may be wrong) is that you are trying to run things here and so taking away control from your BF. You want to go ring shopping now, this is on your timescale, not his. And it ignores any possible intentions he might have had of his own that he has not yet disclosed to you. I think you’re seeing all your friends around you getting married etc and you are keen to hurry things along. But you have to take into account what your BF wants. The fact he is not on your timescale does not mean he doesn’t want to marry you. But you’re making it all very transactional and very much about the process eg you need a ring when you get engaged so let’s start looking for it now. Give things space to breathe and they’ll probably end up where you want them to be.

If you want a ring, buy it yourself. I think it's incredibly presumptuous, pushy and greedy to be suggesting "ring shopping" to anyone, let alone a boyfriend of only 18 months. This is 2025, not 1825.

You think two years is a good point to be engaged, but at 18 months you’re talking about it to him? You’ve probably scared him off tbh. Have you been talking about it a lot more than you let on in your posts? If your friends are getting engaged or married, doesn’t mean you need to be too. But then I’ve been with my DP a million years and we aren’t married 😂

Does he enjoy shopping? Having to go ring shopping when there isn’t even an engagement would be my idea of hell. Ring shopping might be your idea of a ‘bit of fun’ but it might not be for him. Going around shops is pretty boring at the best of times to a lot of people but even worse if you’re going to be faced by store clerks trying to sell and asking awkward questions about your engagement and wedding when he hasn’t even proposed yet! I’ve never heard of couples going ring shopping months or years in advance to getting engaged. If you want a traditional surprise proposal then usually the man will go alone and choose a ring for you or if you agree together to get engaged without a big proposal you go and choose the ring together afterwards.

I’ve never known couples to go ring shopping for fun before engaged

he asks

you look at rings together

or he’s got a ring and Hope you like it

I got engaged and pregnant to someone after 18 months who beefed up being a horrible narcissist so don't rush

I’ve been there. Don’t ever feel like you need to beg for or push for a ring etc. he’s just going to waste your time, use up your fertile years and fuck you over. Honesty… you need to wait for someone’s proposal before you look at rings because why are you looking at rings when no one has proposed to you! I’m really the most non harsh person but what are you doing? If a guy really wants you, he’ll make it well known to you. It’s just the truth. Again… I wasted years of my life and I’ve seen friends do the same so I’m not orojecting. You’re kinda proposing to yourself here. Give him an ultimatum, mean it, give it 3 months, nothing changes, leave. Honestly. That’s where you’re at here. If a man wants something, he makes it happen.

But also please give him a chance to save up. I think you do need a deadline though otherwise you could spend your entire 30s with him with no baby and break up and he'll find it easier to have a family with someone else at that age.

Never heard of anyone ring shopping before the proposal.
Don't know anyone who went joint ring shopping -that's his job! but i guess it depends what circles you mix in.
Never heard of an engagement ring bought with joint money - he buys it 100%, if he cant afford that, he's certainly not ready to be married.
The ring is whatever he gives you as a token of love - One would expect that if he's any kind of decent man he would be the type who will get you a decent ring that will last as long as you live - whether it has diamonds or rubies is irrelevant, it's the sentiment and what it symbolises that makes is precious.

You seem to be making a very big deal of the ring, and of getting engaged, as if they’re the be all and end all.

I never had an engagement ring*. At the time, dh thought that ‘getting engaged,’ was desperately uncool. We just set a date.
I might add that we’ve been married for a very, very long time!

I feel very mixed about marriage. On the one hand I think it traps you and leads to risky imbalances (eg earnings and career potential). But on the other hand, the very act of 2 people choosing, asking and risking to do it is still the biggest sign of long term commitment (in my eyes). So it's not the actual being married that counts, it's the act of independently asking and being prepared to go public with all that that signifies. If he's not independently asking, then he might not really be prepared to commit in the sense of making you and your life together his priority.

You seem far more interested and invested in a ring than him or a marriage.

I’m not surprised he’s feeling pressured.

YABhideouslyU

Isn’t it his job to go ring shopping and you can just give him a few ideas if he asks. I think you may be in the wrong here op hence he feels panicked.

without a marriage I could not see why he would enjoy having my body. I am not a slut

I'm sorry what???😂

OP, in your place I would start rethinking this living together.
If he's not sure fair enough.
But why are you giving him all your space.
Better live separately.
In your mid 30's already living together, you know if this is it.
Sounds like he's no longer keen on marriage, if he ever was.
Don't allow yourself to be used as the good enough for now girl.
There is a lot to be said for saying no moving forward with living together if marriage isn't a part of that.
This is your life, use your agency.
He doesn't get to decide alone on marriage.
You need to start thinking very seriously about what you want and what you are prepared to tolerate.

Do not allow him to steal your hopes and dreams and use you until "the one" turns up.
Too many women settle for so little on MN and live with awful regret.

OP, your boyfriend sounds like he was gently starting to talk about marriage like it's a nice thing to do some time in the future, but he wasn't taking it as seriously as you.

Now for some reason he feels claustrophobic, that you're really intense and breathing down his neck, and he's probably afraid he's in a relationship with a bridezilla. :/

My DS has been with his gf for 18 months, I really like her. But if he told me she’d been talking about rings, ring shopping and showing him types of rings/designs etc BEFORE any idea if getting engaged I’d be worried for both of them……it’s all a bit too pushy. Your reaction was immature and totally out of proportion. You can’t put a timeline on what SOMEONE ELSE feels and map their life out for them.

There is a difference between talking about marriage and then making active plans to be married, such as ring shopping. In his head, he prehaps liked the idea of marrying you, more as a concept, this, and he was all swept up in a new relationship and talking about marriage can be fun, like 'what would you do in an apocalypse' type talk. But the suggestion of actually ring shopping has brought the reality of marriage to the forefront, and he is now backing out.

It might not mean he is backing completely out, but seeing you clearly more invested than he is at this current time is going to make him put the breaks on.

You need to have a discussion with him about it. 18 months isn't long at all, and prehaps you yourself are too caught up with this new relationship to really understand what a commitment, like marriage, will be like with him.

I don't even know where to start with the misogyny in this post.

If Op wants marriage which clearly she does, there is nothing wrong with making that clear. Whether this is a deal breaker or not she will see and make her decision.