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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does this mean I’m free?

52 replies

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 07:43

Long term relationship broke down over lockdown, no dc on either side. He essentially grew distant, insisted nothing was wrong before moving out, blaming family illness. Refused to admit there was a problem or talk it through, just kept saying he was busy in work and worried about his family member and phased me out of his life. I was heartbroken, he was so cold but I eventually moved on, moved house, new job, all the cliches and was starting to feel happy again when you guessed it, he came back on the scene. We’ve been talking for probably a year, I have been very, very guarded with him, have not allowed him near me sexually but we’ve been meeting up and doing things, have joined a gym and been on holiday together and have been speaking on the phone every day. I’ve felt pretty happy and peaceful and hopeful that things will work out in the end.

Last night he sent me a photo of something he was doing at home and I made a joke, insulting his cutlery of all things because it looked like a child’s fork. Immediately he went silent and made an excuse to end the call. I didn’t think much of it and text him later on to which he didn’t reply. I messaged again asking if all was ok and he replied saying he was unhappy about what I’d said about his fork (?!) and that it wasn’t a nice thing to say etc. I laughingly apologised thinking he couldn’t be serious but then realised that he was.

That he is still in the headspace where he will use absolutely anything to cause an issue and give me the silent treatment and that I’m not willing to feel this anxiety in the pit of my stomach anymore when I know he is ignoring me. To be honest I felt triggered after the last episode. Our break up was drawn out over almost two years because he refused to end things, to speak to me, to explain himself and I just desperately hung on hoping it was actually to do with work stress or ill relatives, or any of the other excuses he gave me and that everything would be ok as he was saying. At the time I believed myself to be in love and was blind with attraction and tender feelings for him. Almost five years on I just see a middle aged man having a ridiculous tantrum over a fork and it’s not appealing in the slightest. I’ve blocked him. I think this might be it. I think I hope it is.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 16/01/2025 07:46

You've done the right thing. You've already wasted too much of your life on him.

StormingNorman · 16/01/2025 07:47

Bin him. Life is too short to worry about things like jokes about forks. You’ll forever be censoring yourself.

TheTruthHurtsDontIt · 16/01/2025 07:47

I think you were an absolute fool to entertain him again after he fucking ghosted you while you were living together and in a LTR. Like that's impressively evasive and shitty. Why on earth would you disrespect yourself like that and not tell him to go fuck himself the minute he tried to sidle back?

I'm glad you've seen the light this time around and hope you keep this ridiculous man baby blocked for good!

heldinadream · 16/01/2025 07:48

If you hope this is the end it is within YOUR power to make it so!
And it sounds like that's the best course of action @UpandUnderIt
Well done for seeing through his silly ego.

healthybychristmas · 16/01/2025 07:48

Why on earth did you have anything to do with him after the last time when he ghosted you? Have some self-respect and keep this man blocked. It's better to have no man than to have the wrong one. Don't let loneliness take you back to a really bad relationship.

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 07:53

Thank you all. I feel a bit tearful but in a good way if that makes sense. I just felt like I had to see it through, hoping now I have ended things on my own terms. I just don’t see him the same after everything which is entirely his own fault.

OP posts:
justdone88 · 16/01/2025 07:56

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 07:43

Long term relationship broke down over lockdown, no dc on either side. He essentially grew distant, insisted nothing was wrong before moving out, blaming family illness. Refused to admit there was a problem or talk it through, just kept saying he was busy in work and worried about his family member and phased me out of his life. I was heartbroken, he was so cold but I eventually moved on, moved house, new job, all the cliches and was starting to feel happy again when you guessed it, he came back on the scene. We’ve been talking for probably a year, I have been very, very guarded with him, have not allowed him near me sexually but we’ve been meeting up and doing things, have joined a gym and been on holiday together and have been speaking on the phone every day. I’ve felt pretty happy and peaceful and hopeful that things will work out in the end.

Last night he sent me a photo of something he was doing at home and I made a joke, insulting his cutlery of all things because it looked like a child’s fork. Immediately he went silent and made an excuse to end the call. I didn’t think much of it and text him later on to which he didn’t reply. I messaged again asking if all was ok and he replied saying he was unhappy about what I’d said about his fork (?!) and that it wasn’t a nice thing to say etc. I laughingly apologised thinking he couldn’t be serious but then realised that he was.

That he is still in the headspace where he will use absolutely anything to cause an issue and give me the silent treatment and that I’m not willing to feel this anxiety in the pit of my stomach anymore when I know he is ignoring me. To be honest I felt triggered after the last episode. Our break up was drawn out over almost two years because he refused to end things, to speak to me, to explain himself and I just desperately hung on hoping it was actually to do with work stress or ill relatives, or any of the other excuses he gave me and that everything would be ok as he was saying. At the time I believed myself to be in love and was blind with attraction and tender feelings for him. Almost five years on I just see a middle aged man having a ridiculous tantrum over a fork and it’s not appealing in the slightest. I’ve blocked him. I think this might be it. I think I hope it is.

Get rid. Don't bother to contact him anymore. Block him. You moved forward and healed from this twat before don't allow him to do this kind of shit again, just be like sorry I don't want to speak with you again bye then block. He's a moron.

teenmaw · 16/01/2025 07:59

Oh Christ do not let a middle aged child ruin your wonderful peace

robinsnest1967 · 16/01/2025 08:01

Tell him to fork off!!!

Thighdentitycrisis · 16/01/2025 08:03

Well done. Enjoy the rest of your life. You might be able to rebuild a friendship in future; when aren’t romantically invested it doesn’t matter if you upset him with your innocent jokes.

FastFood · 16/01/2025 08:06

Not only you're free, you can now also laugh as much as you want over forks and other cutlery.
I personally share my life with a wooden spoon similar to this one, that has been a better life companion than any man-child.

Enjoy!

Does this mean I’m free?
Startinganew32 · 16/01/2025 08:13

A fork? How does someone get through four or five decades of life being this incredibly sensitive and unwilling to laugh at themselves? I hope you have a more peaceful and happier life now this utter loser is gone from it. Also, ghosting you the first time and making you feel like that was unforgivable. I think his most suitable companion would be one of those new AI bots, not an actual human.

Lefthanddownnumberone · 16/01/2025 08:15

justdone88 · 16/01/2025 07:56

Get rid. Don't bother to contact him anymore. Block him. You moved forward and healed from this twat before don't allow him to do this kind of shit again, just be like sorry I don't want to speak with you again bye then block. He's a moron.

This

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 08:18

The cutlery jokes are definitely helping! I just saw straight through him all of a sudden. He invented a reason to be upset and go cold on me so I would feel the old familiar panic and apologise and pander to him and he could enjoy a power trip ignoring me and making me feel small. I don’t want to feel like that ever again and I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel like that. A real lightbulb moment of clarity.

OP posts:
JoanCollinsDiva · 16/01/2025 08:21

and he replied saying he was unhappy about what I’d said about his fork (?!

Im sorry but 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

soberserene · 16/01/2025 08:23

There's no future with this guy.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 16/01/2025 08:24

If he does contact you just tell him to fork off....... Can't believe you even bothered trying again.. He sounds like a man child. Always always best avoided..

SnoopysHoose · 16/01/2025 08:25

@justdone88
You do not need to quote the entire OP, just @ then user name

JoanCollinsDiva · 16/01/2025 08:26

Sorry, but the fork thing was so ridiculous it's funny!

It sounds like he actively enjoys giving you the run around and keeping you dangling on a string. Then he sucks you back in and plays nice for a while as he likes the attention/someone who's on the end of the phone or to do things with etc and also maybe the fact he hasn't met anyone "better" comes into it.

Then when you start to get comfy he pulls back again and finds an excuse to cut you off, give the silent treatment. It's a cycle that he probably enjoys and seems designed to keep you in your place. He's emotionally avoidant and runs away at any perceived slight or trouble.

You have already wasted far too much time on this man, stop all the dilly-dallying around and kick this loser out of your life.

Percypigspjs · 16/01/2025 08:26

Once the scales have fallen from your eyes you will no longer be able to ignore these behaviours. He probably messed up relationships in between when other women told him to do one and he thought he’d come back and see whether you would take him back again. But you have grown and he has not.

Millyjanice · 16/01/2025 08:26

Unblock him very briefly, OP.

You really have to tell him to fork off !!! 🤣😁🤣

Then block immediately !

EggandStress · 16/01/2025 08:27

That's brilliant @UpandUnderIt
Sometimes that 💡 moment can take a while, but then the fog lifts and as you say, you can see him for what he is.

It takes some of us longer than others, but it has to happen for you, regardless of what family / friends/ Mumsnetters say.

Here's to the future! 🥂

Cuppachuchu · 16/01/2025 08:31

To use a much used but apt quote"when someone shows you who they are" etc

This is the second time he's shown you, believe him.

Forks, ffs. 😏

FinallyHere · 16/01/2025 08:31

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 08:18

The cutlery jokes are definitely helping! I just saw straight through him all of a sudden. He invented a reason to be upset and go cold on me so I would feel the old familiar panic and apologise and pander to him and he could enjoy a power trip ignoring me and making me feel small. I don’t want to feel like that ever again and I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel like that. A real lightbulb moment of clarity.

Very acute analysis, glad to hear you have the measure of him. Your life is going to be so much better without him.

ThickAsAPlank · 16/01/2025 08:34

I'm glad that you have finally seen through this man.
Once you feel better, maybe you could look at why you pandered to him for so long?