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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does this mean I’m free?

52 replies

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 07:43

Long term relationship broke down over lockdown, no dc on either side. He essentially grew distant, insisted nothing was wrong before moving out, blaming family illness. Refused to admit there was a problem or talk it through, just kept saying he was busy in work and worried about his family member and phased me out of his life. I was heartbroken, he was so cold but I eventually moved on, moved house, new job, all the cliches and was starting to feel happy again when you guessed it, he came back on the scene. We’ve been talking for probably a year, I have been very, very guarded with him, have not allowed him near me sexually but we’ve been meeting up and doing things, have joined a gym and been on holiday together and have been speaking on the phone every day. I’ve felt pretty happy and peaceful and hopeful that things will work out in the end.

Last night he sent me a photo of something he was doing at home and I made a joke, insulting his cutlery of all things because it looked like a child’s fork. Immediately he went silent and made an excuse to end the call. I didn’t think much of it and text him later on to which he didn’t reply. I messaged again asking if all was ok and he replied saying he was unhappy about what I’d said about his fork (?!) and that it wasn’t a nice thing to say etc. I laughingly apologised thinking he couldn’t be serious but then realised that he was.

That he is still in the headspace where he will use absolutely anything to cause an issue and give me the silent treatment and that I’m not willing to feel this anxiety in the pit of my stomach anymore when I know he is ignoring me. To be honest I felt triggered after the last episode. Our break up was drawn out over almost two years because he refused to end things, to speak to me, to explain himself and I just desperately hung on hoping it was actually to do with work stress or ill relatives, or any of the other excuses he gave me and that everything would be ok as he was saying. At the time I believed myself to be in love and was blind with attraction and tender feelings for him. Almost five years on I just see a middle aged man having a ridiculous tantrum over a fork and it’s not appealing in the slightest. I’ve blocked him. I think this might be it. I think I hope it is.

OP posts:
canyouletthedogoutplease · 16/01/2025 08:40

Fork Toddler. We are so heavily programmed as women to be "chosen" by a man, that we will put up with, discount, ignore, what is right there under our noses and believe that if we only tried a bit harder, made a bit more effort, more allowances, loved them a bit better, then.. then.. things will get better and we will be enough. When really, things get better when you let yourself see the wood for the trees, stop making excuses for grown men and fuck them off into the far distance.

Well done. Onwards.

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 08:40

I’ve known him for a long time and think I was just utterly infatuated by him. I remember when I was coming to terms with the break up thinking that I would never feel that way about a man again at my age and truth be told, I haven’t. But now I don’t feel that way about him either and I think that’s a good thing. The spell is broken. By a miniature fork of all things!

OP posts:
usernamesaretoohardtothinkof · 16/01/2025 08:42

I think you should buy the most joyously silly fork you can find and keep it as a reminder to stay away from this man forever. Well done for blocking him.

Chroniclesofstress · 16/01/2025 08:42

Looks like you’ve finally reached that fork in the road….

canyouletthedogoutplease · 16/01/2025 08:47

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 08:40

I’ve known him for a long time and think I was just utterly infatuated by him. I remember when I was coming to terms with the break up thinking that I would never feel that way about a man again at my age and truth be told, I haven’t. But now I don’t feel that way about him either and I think that’s a good thing. The spell is broken. By a miniature fork of all things!

The spell is broken, amen to that!

icelolly12 · 16/01/2025 08:55

Oh dear, this is a blessing though as you can now realise he won't ever change and will never make you happy. Block and delete and continue moving on without Mr Fork bringing you down.

adorablecat · 16/01/2025 09:06

Let's hope this is the definitive fork in your road. Take the path that leads to a better life.

NameChangedOfc · 16/01/2025 09:08

The spell is broken you say, @UpandUnderIt : brilliant! And you did it! You reached the happy ending of the fairy tale. Congratulations and have a good life 💐🥰

Lollypop701 · 16/01/2025 09:08

He’s tried other relationships and they’ve not put up with his tantrums… so he’s come back to you as you did… but the scales have fallen off and you aren’t going to put up with it anymore. Poor fucked up guy 😂 yes you are free Op, and ex has no one to feed his ego. What will he do!!!

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 16/01/2025 09:08

@UpandUnderIt well thank fork you have seen the light! now you have to block his phone number, block him on facebook, whatsapp, email and anything else you have contact with him on!! wash that shit right outta your hair!!

heldinadream · 16/01/2025 09:12

Send him this:
My eyes have been opened. Sadly this means I have to diverge from you at this, our fork in the road. We are rent asunder as clearly as if we'd been separated by a knife. There'll be no more spooning with you. You had me on a plate and I was bowled over by you, indeed you whisked me off my feet, but the time has come for me to give you the chopstick. All I can say now is fork off!

devilspawn · 16/01/2025 09:21

Whew, thank god this came up before you got back together. You must be so glad you won't have to go through another 2 years of breakup shit again. Lucky escape!

Picturing you and a fork walking off into the sunset together.

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 09:23

Thank you everyone. I think this is the buoyant but and I may well crash down to earth in a few days and feel awful so I will come back and re-read if I find myself in a weak moment.

OP posts:
justdone88 · 16/01/2025 09:25

SnoopysHoose · 16/01/2025 08:25

@justdone88
You do not need to quote the entire OP, just @ then user name

oops 🙈 thank you.

justdone88 · 16/01/2025 09:26

heldinadream · 16/01/2025 09:12

Send him this:
My eyes have been opened. Sadly this means I have to diverge from you at this, our fork in the road. We are rent asunder as clearly as if we'd been separated by a knife. There'll be no more spooning with you. You had me on a plate and I was bowled over by you, indeed you whisked me off my feet, but the time has come for me to give you the chopstick. All I can say now is fork off!

do it OP! Send this 🤣

Showerflowers · 16/01/2025 09:56

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 08:18

The cutlery jokes are definitely helping! I just saw straight through him all of a sudden. He invented a reason to be upset and go cold on me so I would feel the old familiar panic and apologise and pander to him and he could enjoy a power trip ignoring me and making me feel small. I don’t want to feel like that ever again and I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel like that. A real lightbulb moment of clarity.

I'm glad you're seeing his behaviour so clearly now.

His strop over a fork has just made a difficult decision really easy for you.

Onwards and upwards xx

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 16/01/2025 10:00

@justdone88 why did you quote the whole OP?

Middlemarch123 · 16/01/2025 14:32

Joking aside, could he have a small dc that he’s kept hidden?

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 16:56

Middlemarch123 · 16/01/2025 14:32

Joking aside, could he have a small dc that he’s kept hidden?

Good thinking but I don’t believe so. I can’t guarantee he didn’t see anyone else over lockdown, another woman was my first thought when he started going cold but of course I was paranoid and mental and he would never do that, it was me or no one etc etc etc but unless he has kept it from his entire family and friendship group who he is very close to, I don’t think there is a child. We are a bit old for that now but not impossible I suppose.

OP posts:
Percypigspjs · 16/01/2025 17:20

I think the only thing he has hidden is some kind of agenda!

justdone88 · 16/01/2025 17:21

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 16/01/2025 10:00

@justdone88 why did you quote the whole OP?

I'm on the app and it's a pain to just write something

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/01/2025 17:27

Forky mcfuckface Grin

trythisforsize · 16/01/2025 17:42

It is done.

You are freed!

Enjoy the relief and tranquillity that follows.

Mairzydotes · 16/01/2025 17:45

Has he actually got a child ?

Perhaps it was born in the time he wasn't contacting you?

He's made such a big deal as he feels you insulted his child he hasn't mentioned.

trythisforsize · 16/01/2025 17:49

UpandUnderIt · 16/01/2025 08:18

The cutlery jokes are definitely helping! I just saw straight through him all of a sudden. He invented a reason to be upset and go cold on me so I would feel the old familiar panic and apologise and pander to him and he could enjoy a power trip ignoring me and making me feel small. I don’t want to feel like that ever again and I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel like that. A real lightbulb moment of clarity.

This is exactly what broke the spell of my infatuation with an ex.

He gave me silent treatment for 3 entire days just because I was asleep when he called me to say goodnight (at 11pm after I'd worked 48 hours!).

I cried and cried then on day 4 I woke up and thought 'what an absolute arsehole for making me feel this miserable - I'm done'.

And I was.

Something just clicked and I lost all feeling for him.