affair

[Angran1]

how do you get over affair

my world fell apart last week
found out partner has been havung am affair....

yes ive written on here before...

im devastated ,!!

we do want to work us out !!

They're rather different.

And a relationship of 4 years years in which the bloke has been seeing at least one other woman for two years (?) is not a long-term relationship either.

He’s only saying this because he got caught.

From experience, you really don’t. It eats away at you and then they usually do it again 🤷🏻‍♀️

ive invested a lot in this relationship

Why?

He's hidden you from two ex partners.

You don't live together.

You don't have any children together.

You're not married.

You've now found out he was having a relationship with another woman for two years out of the four years you've been seeing each other. That's not a "relationship". That's you being one of his women. You didn't know, but you know now.

Why have you invested a lot?

Why is it worth investing in?

Someone who can cheat on you for two years of a 4 year "relationship" is not worth investing in.

Someone who kept hiding you from exes and not acknowledging his relationship with you for ages .... (I wonder why) is not worth investing in.

He's not quality.

He's the opposite, low quality.

He's not the only man out there.
There are others.

Same scenario but married. Not a long term relationship either?

neither.....totaly inrelated ,!

Mate, why don't you get yourself another man.

You don't have to.tell him.

Cause he sure as fuck likes having other women, and he sure as fuck doesn't tell you about them.

You know what the say "don't make someone your choice when they keep you as an option".

You think he's going to stop all this now.... I doubt it. It'll just be something else after a while.

This dude is not faithful.

No wonder he's not with the mother of his child if or his ex fiancée.

A failed relationship with the mother of his child.
A failed relationship with his ex fiancée.
He's cheated on you/run you alongside another woman for two years out of your "relationship".

Are you seeing any pattern here at all??

Right.

Well this sounds like a recipe for a happy normal life.

JFC - and you really think this can work going forward and he’ll stop acting like a dog with two dicks from now on?

Sounds like you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache and anxiety, he hasn’t treated you very well in the time you’ve been together, the behaviour you’ve described doesn’t make it sound likely he will change either.

you say you’ve invested a lot in the relationship but that investment sounds one sided. He hasn’t made you a priority at all, ever. And by continuing to accept his behaviour, he will never have to either as he knows you’ll put up with him no matter what.

I don’t have much experience (one serious relationship of 20yrs from a young age) but I can tell you that now I am out of that relationship- as hard as it was to accept, and how awful it felt at the time - I now cannot believe the utter shite I allowed myself to put up with! And I can say I will never allow that again

it wasn’t easy to get over, and early days I thought about how we could get over his affair, it would have been the easy option to forgive and forget and take him back, but I know in my heart that would not have worked long term. We would have both been unhappy in the long run.

i don’t think it’s impossible to get over and work through in some circumstances, people have done it, but usually have a much longer relationship and commitments that make it seem worth staying together

i I don’t think that would work in your case. He’s never respected you or your feelings. He’s unlikely to change that now.

you have no commitments to him arrant staying together - no children/mortgage etc. you are actually in a great position to walk away and never look back

find someone who chooses you, who loves you, and shows it. Believe actions, not words

As for not publicly acknowledging a partner to everyone - I have this simple little rule;

If a man "can't" introduce me (or acknowledge me if it's not in person) to everyone, openly and honestly, as his girlfriend ....... His dick doesn't get introduced to my p**#y.

Stick by that and you'll have an easier time.

You should never ever be anyone's secret. That's not a person with integrity who's doing right by you.

It's too late with this guy but keep it in mind for any future partners.

And this one is not worth investing in. I'd keep looking.

And if you keep shagging him, oxytocin will keep you attached and prevent you from being emotionally free to meet someone else.

Ultimately it’s your decision op but, honestly, all I can think is ‘more fool you’.

So he's been seeing someone else for 2 years of your 4 year relationship. Nah, fuck that. Get rid.

we do want to work us out !!

I'm sure he does.

It's not easy to find women who'll put up with being kept secret to other people in his life (suspiciously, his exes) for years ..... and who'll stay with him when they find out he was shagging and romancing another woman alongside them for two years of a relationship that they thought was exclusive.

It's not easy to find door-mat, fall back women.

Presumably his two year girlfriend got tired of/woke up to his shit and isn't an option anymore, and maybe his exes got tired of/woke up to his shit and aren't options anymore....which leaves only you, until he recruits someone else.

He doesn't want to be on his lonesome. You're it for sex and company and support and not having to be single ..... until.the next episode.b

Good lord OP how bad will his treatment of you have to get before you realise he doesn't give a stuff about you? He has kept you hidden and cheated on you , is that bad enough for you ? You need to wake up.

It's still fresh!
You will know if he's sorry- if he is, then try.

All you can do is try and time will tell if you can forgive it.

You can't rush it, there's no answer here for you. . Only time.

Does he need to give you an STI before you find some dignity?

He's not your partner, you've likely been the other woman at least once.

I've been there. I stayed and he did it again 13 years later. My advice, don't stay

Where is your self-respect?? He's been in another relationship for half the length of your "situationship"

Why do you want to stay with him?!

He's been cheating on you for half of your relationship that you know of and you want to stay with him? I'm sorry but you're making a massive mistake. I've walked this mile, the last affair was just the tip of the iceberg. It's horrible, deeply painful thing to go through but you do recover. You deserve better than this lowlife who will do it again 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Angran1, you’ve been conned and used. This adulterous Pretender has been duping you for 2 whole years — stealing your consent to live and have sex with a monogamous man, risking your health, and abusing your trust. He has perpetrated this double life in addition to keeping your existence a dirty secret from his Exes, which has upset you greatly for many years.

Please listen to us, @Angran1. This self-serving womanizer doesn’t care one iota about your well-being. He enjoys exploiting and taking what he wants from multiple women/pawns for his own gain and gratification. He doesn’t love or respect you, hence his tricking and making a fool of you for 4 years.

What happened in your life that caused you to settle for this degradation … and to continue this self-harm? You now possess new, damning information, yet you’re sabotaging yourself by clinging to the sunk-cost fallacy. Your investing in the relationship for 4 years is not a good reason to poison your future. His hiding you, trampling all over your feelings, and cheating — you’d be an absolute fool to stay in this abusive relationship. He is not going to change.

@Angran1 can you explain what you've invested in this relationship that is keeping you bound to this nasty cheat?

I’m confused. He is hiding you from two other women. Which one of you exactly is the other woman in this scenario?

It's a third woman he was having the affair with. For two years of their four year relationship.