SIL and BIL don’t like us but want us to look after their children

[Ellbelle]

Sister in law and brother in law have made it very clear for the past 2 years that they don’t like us. We live quite a different life and it seems to annoy them to the point they now can’t even be around us. We have done nothing but try to be friendly, invite them places and just had no luck, so now understandably given up. I’ve had rumours made up about me, lies after lies, no effort to come to any party invites etc. we always make an effort to go all out for our nephews presents and never received a thank you.

however recently as she has gone back to work and my MIL comes over weekly she has been asking her to bring her children to my house for the day. They are children and our nephews and we love them dearly however I am finding it hard to understand why they want their children here when they don’t like us and two just the politeness of a text to ask if it’s okay and not just all through my MIL. for the past few months I have just said of course, but I’m conflicted on whether I should text and address this or just look at it as a plus that my son gets to spend the day with his cousins..

Not a chance would I provide childcare to someone who won't even speak to me to ask.

You are being used.
Absolutely not.
Let your children spend time with friends.
Don't allow yourself, your home and your children be used.
They think you are a mug.

Kindly meant, but no one with an ounce of self respect would allow themselves and their family be treated like this.

So it's MIL who will be looking after them but taking them along with her on her weekly visit to your house?

My mantra is if you don't like or want me then you don't get the joy of my kids. Extrapolate this to you don't get to use me....

So MIL is looking after them for the day and brining them over to your house (presumably to keep them entertained and encourage the cousins to play together)?

Or are the parents asking/expecting you to look after the children? Does MIL drop them off and leave?

If it's the first one then any conversation you have is with MIL.

If it's the second one, I'd refuse to provide free childcare.

See I think you’ve got it wrong here.
MIL is looking after them, so your BIL/SIL are handing them to MIL to care for that day. Ultimately what MIL does with them is up to her. It sounds to me like MIL has bitten off more than she can chew and is wanting to come to you so she has help.

My MIL occasionally looks after DD and will reguarly go to my SIL so DD can play with her cousins. I get on well with SIL so sometimes drop a ‘thanks for today’ or similar but I certainly don’t feel like SIL is doing my a favour, I think she’s doing MIL a favour for sure!

Surely you don't really find it hard to understand why they would use you for childcare even though they don't like you?

If you like the kids offer to take them to the park every so often but don't be doing childcare.

Or is it that MIL is having the kids thrust on her regardless and needs your help? CF either way.

Your DH needs to have a chat to MIL about whether it's appropriate given their contempt for you

That's how I read it.

I'd be having a quiet word with sil to double check she knows the arrangement.

I have relatives I wouldn't be happy having my kids round their house for my own personal and particular reasons, but as the parent that's my call to make ESPECIALLY if I'd already signalled I didn't want to be around you.

Also, if they've already got form for lying, there is no chance I'd open myself up to the liability of being complicit in keeping quiet.

If MIL is with them and doing the gruntwork, I'm not sure I'd complain - but if MIL is leaving them with you then I'd put a stop to it pronto.

So is it MIL or SIL who are instigating this?

@Ellbelle ask yourself if they would ever return the favour? Do they make the effort with your child? Are they attentive to your child at social events? Do they ever take them out for the day as a thank you?

are you expected to feed and water them whilst at yours? How often is it?

if it was a one off emergency - I’d do it. But a regular thing and get can’t even speak directly to you. Nah.

If mil is with them then i expect she comes as she likes to have cousins play together and nice to have another adult around too.

If i liked mil and didnt find it too much hassle then i would carry on.

If thet kids are being left with you then i would put a stop to it as that feels like taking advantage to have you babysit but go via mil

That would be a no from me, far too awkward knowing that the parents don't even like me.

Yeah, they're using you. You're free childcare. That's okay if you're happy to do it, but don't kid yourself that it means more than that. Teach your nephews all about your wonderful way of life and how much better it is than mummy and daddy's!

This. It does read like it might be MIL trying to be peacekeeper so the cousins still get to play and B/SIL might not actually know about it at all.

she has been asking her to bring her children to my house

Too many pronouns there...who has been asking who?

I think MiL is trying to forge relationships here - it won’t be a secret that both couples don’t get along (what the ever reason)

Get the downlow from your MIL. Although it's DH that should ask not you.

Somethings well not right. Only once you dig down will you find out what.

If somebody was in the habit of making up rumours and lies about me, then there's no way I'd have them in the house... and there's even less way I'd have their kids in the house without them. Because just think of the rumours and lies they could make up about how you've been behaving with their kids. It doesn't bear thinking about.

Protect yourself.

I would want my children to know their cousins.

The only words that your SIL/BIL deserve are "fuck off".

"Cunts" is optional at the end.

You could always send a beautifully direct message to SIL - "Hi SIL, I just thought I should let you know that MIL has been bringing DN over to our house when she visits. I know you're not our biggest fans and you view us rather like dirt to be washed off your shoes, so just want to check you're ok with this. Obviously as DN's parents, what you say goes, and he could be exposed to all sorts while in our heathen presence so just wanted to alert you to the risk".

How do you know its SIL and BIL asking for the kids to come over and not MIL?