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Original poster

SIL and BIL don’t like us but want us to look after their children

54 replies

Ellbelle · 14/01/2025 19:29

Sister in law and brother in law have made it very clear for the past 2 years that they don’t like us. We live quite a different life and it seems to annoy them to the point they now can’t even be around us. We have done nothing but try to be friendly, invite them places and just had no luck, so now understandably given up. I’ve had rumours made up about me, lies after lies, no effort to come to any party invites etc. we always make an effort to go all out for our nephews presents and never received a thank you.

however recently as she has gone back to work and my MIL comes over weekly she has been asking her to bring her children to my house for the day. They are children and our nephews and we love them dearly however I am finding it hard to understand why they want their children here when they don’t like us and two just the politeness of a text to ask if it’s okay and not just all through my MIL. for the past few months I have just said of course, but I’m conflicted on whether I should text and address this or just look at it as a plus that my son gets to spend the day with his cousins..

OP posts:
PurrrSaidTheLiger · 14/01/2025 20:26

I feel like something is missing here

22nws · 14/01/2025 20:27

If they make up rumours and lies about you, you don’t have any chance of decent relationship with your nephews in future. They’ll hear their parents bitching. I’d tell them all to get to fuck and use a nursery.

You can tell MIL that you’re sorry that the situation is like this, but she can’t bring them round regularly.

SheridansPortSalut · 14/01/2025 20:29

Do you have kids? Is it possible that it's their way if making sure that the kids get to spend time with their cousins?

Pelot · 14/01/2025 20:30

I think this is perhaps MILs way of trying to foster a relationship between her grandkids. I'd be more than happy to let that happen. Why punish the kids? They aren't asking you for anything. MIL is bringing them with her.

coxesorangepippin · 14/01/2025 20:35

however recently as she has gone back to work and my MIL comes over weekly she has been asking her to bring her children to my house for the day

^

So sil goes by way of mil to take her kids to your house?? Rather than ask you??

What does mil say about this??

outerspacepotato · 14/01/2025 20:36

No relationship with the parents means no relationship with children. If they're spreading rumours or lies about you, their kids being at yours could bring up huge issues. They could lie about things happening in your home.

MIL needs to stop bringing the kids over. Whether she's using you and your kids as extra babysitting or entertainment, it stops now.

Therealjudgejudy · 14/01/2025 20:37

Are you expected to look after them?

SometimesCalmPerson · 14/01/2025 20:40

It sounds like she’s asked MIL to do childcare and it’s easiest/nice for it to be on the day MIL sees her other grandchildren because it means teh cousins get to see each other.

What makes you think it’s about your SIL wanting her children to see you or your house?

mnahmnah · 14/01/2025 20:45

Reading between the lines - is it a jealousy issue OP? Do you have ‘more’ than they do? A house with nicer things for the kids to be around? Do they resent the presents you out their children when you go ‘all out’?

CrispieCake · 14/01/2025 20:47

mnahmnah · 14/01/2025 20:45

Reading between the lines - is it a jealousy issue OP? Do you have ‘more’ than they do? A house with nicer things for the kids to be around? Do they resent the presents you out their children when you go ‘all out’?

Maybe give a selection box only next Christmas and test the waters 😂.

Pelot · 14/01/2025 20:51

Poor MIL. Imagine having this be the reality for your grandkids.

Jumbledig · 14/01/2025 21:04

22nws · 14/01/2025 20:27

If they make up rumours and lies about you, you don’t have any chance of decent relationship with your nephews in future. They’ll hear their parents bitching. I’d tell them all to get to fuck and use a nursery.

You can tell MIL that you’re sorry that the situation is like this, but she can’t bring them round regularly.

This is true, unfortunately.

If the parents can't stand each other, then they don't end up having good relationships with each others' kids. They just don't.

I would encourage your son's relationships with other friends (and the children of your friends) instead of with his cousins. They are more likely to stay in his life imo.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/01/2025 21:11

ThejoyofNC · 14/01/2025 19:31

Not a chance would I provide childcare to someone who won't even speak to me to ask.

The first response nails it but @cookingthebooks has a very valid point. MiL is the one in charge of the kids when she is coming with them to your place.

I'd make it clear to MiL that while you have no issues with her, and the kids are lovely, they are by extension being looked after by you when their parents aren't even being polite to you. You feel that she is, by stealth, getting you to look after these kids and you're not going to do that any more, so you're sorry, but if she feels she can't look after the kids without your help, she's going to have to tell Sil & BiL that she can't look after them any more.

Tortielady · 14/01/2025 21:19

Do SiL and BiL know about this arrangement? If they don't, you can't rely on them not finding out. Young children can't, and shouldn't be expected to keep anything consequential about their daily lives from their parents. I'm not a parent, so those who are can feel free to put me right; presumably though, where you spend the day when you're with Grandma is pretty significant.

If they don't know that your MiL has been bringing their children to yours, they need to. There are upsides and downsides to you doing it or MiL; either way, they aren't going to be happy, but if they have a scintilla of sense between them, they'll know you were looking out for their children and not encouraging them to keep secrets.

Of course, if SiL and BiL are fully informed and happy for you to look after their children while treating you as if you're something nasty they've stepped in, you'd be within your rights to tear them off a strip. People who are willing to mix the care of children with contempt and bad faith can't be trusted as far as you'd throw them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2025 21:23

It’s very odd. Presumably MIL is aware you don’t see them and they make up lies about you? Why would she instigate this? Why are the kids safe around people the parents view as so awful? Why did you say yes?!

MumChp · 14/01/2025 21:27

Isn't it mostly a MIL problem?

Codlingmoths · 14/01/2025 22:23

I read it as sil has asked mil to bring them around - I’d have an honest conversation with mil and say I’ve been feeling awkward about this, while it’s nice for the cousins to know each other and to see you, I know sil and bil don’t like us and have made up some unkind lies, so I’m not comfortable having her children at my house- she could make up something really damaging, and if the kids said anything silly she doesn’t like us anyway so would interpret it in the worst possible way, it’s just too risky. Im going to have to ask you to stop coming here with them.

and get your dh to say to her mum if you come around because it’s hard work looking after them you need to tell those cheeky fuckers they need to pay for actual childcare. Don’t wear yourself out!

Tallyrand · 14/01/2025 22:50

OP would you send your kids round to their house, say at weekends?

If yes, suggest it to SIL.

If no, then why are you taking their kids at all?

healthybychristmas · 14/01/2025 23:21

I wouldn't do anything for them if they didn't even have the courtesy to speak to me. I think you'd be silly to do it because they are so clearly just using you. Don't think they will like you more because you do this for them. They don't have any respect for you anyway and this will give them even less respect for you.

Knittedfairies2 · 14/01/2025 23:30

I wonder if your SIL is trying to make childcare a little easier for your MIL by sending them round to yours so you get to ease some of the burden?

AuntieLemonade · 19/01/2025 19:07

MumChp · 14/01/2025 21:27

Isn't it mostly a MIL problem?

And thus, by design, a DH problem…

Voneska · 19/01/2025 20:20

You have to address this. They are taking the pisation. It is brewing up resentment inside you . Ask her what time to expect her and say you're going to be late back from X. SOMETHING you're going to. Use tricks to stop this
Try starting decorating the house so it inconvenient. Use every trick to repel them. I was once in this scenario. I felt used as a neighbour was acting as a childminder and would hang out with the kid in my house all day, every week. It stopped me getting on with things I wanted to do.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 19/01/2025 20:21

Presumably you provide food /drinks /heating? You need to be busy /out.. Ils are cfers....

wizzywig · 19/01/2025 20:24

Dress them in t shirts that say 'I have the best aunt!. No.1 neice/ nephew, I visit my aunts and all I got was this lousy t shirt.

Snorlaxo · 19/01/2025 20:25

Is it MIL or SIL who wants the kids to go to your house ? If it’s MIL then you could be in trouble with SIL later.

Personally I would not be doing any childcare. Rumours and stories about you involving their kids could be even worse than the stuff already said. What if they involve your kids in the lies? Be smart and protect yourself.

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