Husband lies to me about things he knows will hurt me. Losing trust.

[livelaughlove01]

Hi

Last year, my husband and I had a sensitive conversation where I told him that porn makes me feel so insecure and lack confidence within myself. He said he doesn’t watch porn any more. This was HIS choice. One day he was showing me something on his phone and I saw porn on a tab. He got upset and admitted that he watches porn before we have sex to ‘get ready’ , this obviously hurt and made my self esteem worse. He promised he’d stop.

Fast forward a year or so, we’re trying for our second baby. I saw porn on his history again. I spoke to him very generally about porn and he still said he doesn’t watch it, and the fact that it would hurt my feelings if he did, is a huge factor in him not watching it. He has lied straight to my face. Why has he done this?

I want to make it clear that I just told him how it made me feel. It was his decision to stop watching. A few years ago he also lied to me about sleeping in a hotel room with a female colleague, even though ‘nothing happened’. We’ve dealt with that as I told him I knew what happened and he admitted it. He can lie so easily, and about things that he knows will really hurt me.

How am I supposed to trust him? I can’t confront him about it as he doesn’t know I know. He is honestly such a lovely man, and such a good dad. So I don’t understand why he’s like this with this one thing (the lying)..

I’m feeling very down, please be gentle with responses. Thank you xx

What happened with the female colleague? I'm guessing something happened between them?

In which case he's a liar and a cheater.

How is he 'such a lovely man' ?

I'm afraid things will only get worse

I think you've firmly established that he watches porn and will continue to watch porn. He's lying because you say it upsets you.

If you talk to him about porn again, he'll probably say he'll stop. I think the way forward is to decide how much of a dealbreaker porn is for you.

If your self esteem is low, it might be an idea to work on that.

You can't trust him @livelaughlove01. He's a liar.

He’s a lying, cheating, lovely man. Course he is! There’s nothing to be done OP you either put up with it or split. It is what it is, you can’t change a person who thinks it’s ok to do these things. Love yourself more!

I don't think you can trust him OP
He is a liar who has no qualms about telling you whatever you want to hear.
He has cheated on you and he gets sexual gratication watching women being abused and violated.
That is who he is. He will never be the man you want him to be.

He's a lying liar who lies. You can't trust a liar.

Proceed from there.

He got upset and admitted that he watches porn before we have sex to ‘get ready

That would have hurt me much more than the porn itself.

But yes he is a liar. And thinks nothing about it if it helps him. I couldn’t trust him either @livelaughlove01

Thing is, he's not going to change. You have to decide on whether it'd a deal-breaker or not. If it is then it's time to split.

I think you need to separate the two issues here.

Some do need an extra push to get into bed and have sex. I don't think porn is that bad at all imo. Much better than him not having sex with you? Maybe he just needs it to get into the mood. Can you spice things up? Speak to him about it. I can understand why he lied to protect your feelings. He's been very honest about why he does it.

I'm sure I'll be flamed for this but I think it's important to consider all aspects.

Re last year. That's a line crossed for sure but people do make mistakes.

He slept with a female colleague? He doesn't sound like a lovely man. You know what he sounds like, he sounds like a liar and a cheat and you're seriously trying for another baby. Just why?

What happened in the hotel room? I'm assuming he cheated? Sorry, I'm struggling to see how he's a lovely man? He's a compulsive liar who doesn't care about your feelings.

He's a proven liar so you would be very foolish indeed to trust him.

OP he’s not a lovely man - as others and yourself have said he’s a barefaced liar.

Gently, He doesn’t respect you - he wouldn’t have slept with someone else if he really loved you.

You deserve so much better. If he can lie so easily and convincingly you’ll never know when he’s telling truth.

I never say LTB but in this case I think you’d be better off apart from him. At some point your self esteem will get so low it will take you years to recover and that’s not fair on you.

I forgot to say in my original post that yes, my lack of self esteem and confidence is something I am actively working on to resolve and it’s getting better, but then sh*t like this happens and inevitably breaks me down again.

Re the female colleague, I went so mad at him and said I was going to leave him so he may as well tell me everything. They didn’t have sex , but slept in the same bed. I later found out she was quite literally insane. He’s lucky that’s all what happened. I took his word for it, and we decided to try to rebuild trust and our relationship, which over time, we have. He is lovely in the sense that he is caring, loving and a good dad etc etc. it’s hard to paint the positive side of him when focusing on the negative. It’s like an opposite side to him.

You can't trust someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy multiple times. Your rational mind won't let you. Especially when in the background of it all, you've got this past infidelity with the work colleague causing cognitive dissonance.

If you really want to stick with him, you need to accept that he's going to look at porn. Tell him you know and him lying that he'll stop is making it worse.

Personally, I think you should stop TTC and do some thinking about ways of rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence outside of him/the relationship. Like through work or personal development.

Because tbh, I think it quite suits him to have your self-worth shot to pieces so he can get away with behaving poorly. That comment about getting ready for sex just sounds calculated to make you feel like shit.

I’ve been through a lot of trauma throughout my life including an abusive ex husband and my now husband has been so gentle and supportive. I’m not an easy person to be with because of my trauma. My husband has the patience of a saint. So maybe that’s why he lies to me about the porn because he knows it will hurt me so much, but I wish he’d just stop lying to me it is so much worse or if he says he is going to stop watching it then stop

How was the colleague literally insane?

If she was 'literally insane', why wasn't he getting her help instead of sharing a bed with her? Good men to not get in beds with insane women.

i don't believe they slept in the same bed and did nothing, also very convenient for him to paint her as "insane" too, it's manipulation trying to paint the woman they have history with as "crazy"

I don’t even know where to begin. I looked her up online and found some crazy forum where people were talking about her (like literally hundreds of people commenting) about how she has so many alter egos , lies and deceives,lures men into difficult situations, works in so many different professions and probably lies about her qualifications etc. her kids were taken away from her. It was a load of very dark stuff. The kind of thing you’d read about on social media or something and be thankful that you’d never crossed paths with her.

He didn’t know at the time. I found out by looking her up online and found loads of stuff about her. I did end up telling him and he was so embarrassed and obviously grateful for the fact that it didn’t go any further than it did.

Yeah I definitely think calling the woman insane is a 'red flag'. There was no need for him to say that unless to potentially use that as a reason if anything further come out. Sorry OP x

Oh no, he didn’t call her insane. I am saying that, not to nastily label someone, but because she is very likely clinically insane from the behaviours I found out about her after the fact. He didn’t know what she was like or really who she was at the time they were in the hotel together.

Stop trying for a second , get some therapy and work on your self esteem. Then leave the lying waste of space

If he knew nothing about her 'insanity' until you told him, then it is really neither here nor there.

He's not trustworthy. Why are you so convinced he would tell the truth about something you would end the relationship over (cheating), when he lied over something that you had accepted in the past (porn)?