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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband lies to me about things he knows will hurt me. Losing trust.

54 replies

livelaughlove01 · 14/01/2025 17:36

Hi

Last year, my husband and I had a sensitive conversation where I told him that porn makes me feel so insecure and lack confidence within myself. He said he doesn’t watch porn any more. This was HIS choice. One day he was showing me something on his phone and I saw porn on a tab. He got upset and admitted that he watches porn before we have sex to ‘get ready’ , this obviously hurt and made my self esteem worse. He promised he’d stop.

Fast forward a year or so, we’re trying for our second baby. I saw porn on his history again. I spoke to him very generally about porn and he still said he doesn’t watch it, and the fact that it would hurt my feelings if he did, is a huge factor in him not watching it. He has lied straight to my face. Why has he done this?

I want to make it clear that I just told him how it made me feel. It was his decision to stop watching. A few years ago he also lied to me about sleeping in a hotel room with a female colleague, even though ‘nothing happened’. We’ve dealt with that as I told him I knew what happened and he admitted it. He can lie so easily, and about things that he knows will really hurt me.

How am I supposed to trust him? I can’t confront him about it as he doesn’t know I know. He is honestly such a lovely man, and such a good dad. So I don’t understand why he’s like this with this one thing (the lying)..

I’m feeling very down, please be gentle with responses. Thank you xx

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 14/01/2025 18:57

Oh my word- the story about the colleague.

She’s ‘literally insane’ but he was quite happy to go to a hotel room with her. Classic deflection.

EverybodyLTB · 14/01/2025 19:07

He didn’t know she was ‘insane’ so what is the relevance to him sleeping in a bed with her? Or was it just easier to let it go and blame the woman? Companies do not put male and females randomly in a room together, he made a choice.

TooBigForMyBoots · 14/01/2025 19:09

Time to turn your sleuthing skills on your husband @livelaughlove01. The lies you know about aren't his only lies.

samqueens · 14/01/2025 19:13

I think you might be wise to read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (read it privately).

What you say about your self esteem is concerning, because often self esteem dips as a result of being with someone who habitually lies, and behaves in other ways which undermine your confidence and self esteem. I would seriously question whether the way you feel about yourself is unrelated to his treatment of you (in which case try and put the focus back on yourself and work on this for your own sake and to model positive attitudes and behaviors for your child)? Or whether his behavior has a deeper impact on your sense of self worth (in which case you need to factor that into your thinking)?

Even more importantly I would strongly suggest you do not try for a second child until you have a clearer picture of his behaviour / your feelings / what you might want to do in future. Being pregnant or a new mum increases your emotional and physical vulnerability. This is not ideal if your partner is dishonest. Having only one child will give you more options and security in future. IME bring a single parent to one child is survivable but having two children to support is a LOT harder.

good luck

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 14/01/2025 19:26

No he's not "a lovely man"
He's a liar
He's a cheat
He watches porn

Why are you trying for a second chikd with him?
Surely a better move would be to get rid of this nasty person

category12 · 14/01/2025 19:34

Do you think it's possible that your relationship history means you're accepting poor behaviour because at least it isn't as bad or obvious as the previous abuse?

Firingsz · 14/01/2025 19:39

OP, you really need to rethink having another child with a man that you clearly do not trust and who lies so easily.

Your relationship is not stable.
The very last thing you need is another child.
Please focus on your health.

Pinkissmart · 14/01/2025 20:11

livelaughlove01 · 14/01/2025 18:53

Oh no, he didn’t call her insane. I am saying that, not to nastily label someone, but because she is very likely clinically insane from the behaviours I found out about her after the fact. He didn’t know what she was like or really who she was at the time they were in the hotel together.

Edited

But he still went to a hotel with another woman. The ‘crazy’ part is a massive red herring. Why does it matter if she’s crazy or not?

LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaa · 14/01/2025 20:14

Oh come on OP, do you really believe that they slept in the same bed and nothing happened?

Wholelotagrey · 14/01/2025 20:18

Haven’t rtft but he’s not a lovely man is he?! He continues to disrespect you and disregard your feelings and then lie about it… when you look up lovely man these are not the qualities it describes.

You should know you deserve better you shouldn’t settle for anything less and it’s incredibly sad you are!

I wish you the best but please strive for more you’re worth more!

Bagpussnotbothered · 14/01/2025 20:31

I agree with the above posters. Put a pause on the baby making and rocketboosters on your therapy and self esteem.

Also; if 'nothing happened' in the hotel room, why the hell were they in bed together in the first place? Companies don't expect work colleagues to share thr same bed - it's a gross invasion of privacy.

ImmortalSnowman · 14/01/2025 20:36

livelaughlove01 · 14/01/2025 18:51

He didn’t know at the time. I found out by looking her up online and found loads of stuff about her. I did end up telling him and he was so embarrassed and obviously grateful for the fact that it didn’t go any further than it did.

Show quote history

You haven't talked to this woman at all and you believe he didn't cheat. No wonder you are insecure with low self esteem.

Stop trying to have a second child with this Prince. Work on your self esteem and realise he's not lovely at all, he's a liar and most likely a cheat.

Original poster
livelaughlove01 · 14/01/2025 21:25

sadly I don’t believe that nothing happened. I do think that they had sex, and I think it’s a lie he will take to the grave. I just refuse to let it consume me and deny this truth most of the time. It took me a long time to ‘get over it’. But I made the decision to try to move past it and so that’s what I’ve tried to do. But it will always stay with me. The insane part doesn’t really have anything to do with it, as a pp mentioned. I think in a way it made me feel ‘better’ when I found out all this stuff about her, because it made me think he was lured in, in a way that he couldn’t get out of, rather than just being like yeah, alright, let’s do this. But that couldn’t be further from the truth and I know it deep down.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/01/2025 22:49

You're asking your brain to do incredible gymnastics really. Believe that which you know to be a lie.

PinkFawn · 14/01/2025 23:16

Leave as I’m talking from experience where I never left and have had trust issues in a 23 year marriage. Never been the same since initial trust broken.

Meandhimtogether · 14/01/2025 23:22

He's a liar and a cheat. Is your esteem so low that you will put up with a shit life.
Worse still you want a child with him.
Get out now there is someone out there that will treat you better or even live a life on your own than worrying yourself all the time.

Lostsadandconfused · 14/01/2025 23:22

What do you want from him if you can agree for him to be honest? He says ‘I watch porn, have always watched porn, and will continue to watch whenever I feel like it’.

What will you do then?

What men want most is to go about their lives with a minimum of drama. If he knows you will give him grief about this, he will continue to lie to you.

Lovelybitofsquirrel3 · 14/01/2025 23:26

The fact he did sexual things with someone else would be the worst thing and I would have left him

Rachmorr57 · 14/01/2025 23:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MamaMountain · 15/01/2025 00:22

Run. Seriously.

So even though you believe deep in your heart that he cheated, you’re still with him, as well as TTC baby number two. I’m afraid I think it’s all pointing to the high probability he’s cheated. Even so, why on earth share a bed with another woman as a married man. It’s much easier being a single mum with one child, so please stop TTC with this man. Just because you had a horrible ex husband, please don’t think you deserve another one. He might not be mean and abusive to your face, but his behaviour and actions show his lack of respect towards you. Please don’t settle. You deserve so much more than this. Please leave him.

NeedsMustNet · 15/01/2025 09:32

Like other commenters, the idea that a man shares a bed with a colleague (colleague’s background or behaviour has nothing to do with the fact he did this) and no sexual behaviour happens is so unreal and so unbelievable that I know this to be untrue.

There is a pattern here of obfuscation and false denials.

Ask yourself why you want to believe this. And what it would mean to you if you accepted that his denial was untrue? Would you walk? Would you stay? There is no shame in staying, but be open and honest with yourself even if he won’t do the same for you.

NeedsMustNet · 15/01/2025 09:38

Have just read your message at the top of this page - answers a lot of what I was asking.

One more thing - honestly lovely men don’t lie easily to you about things that really matter to you.

That’s a deep seated cognitive dissonance that’ll be hard to shift. Because if you shifted it you wouldn’t want to be with him.

Do your friends know he lies to you?

If you want to stay with him, I think you need to accept that he is a pathological liar.

You may want to go down the phone tracking route - being open with each other’s web use and locations. (I wouldn’t like this but some do). You may need to be really open about your sex life with each other and whether it does enough for you. Don’t assume that he is empathic enough to care that these things really upset you. He clearly feels entitled to override your wishes.

ABunchOfBadBitches · 15/01/2025 09:43

Sorry but does it matter why he’s lying? He’s lying and that’s all you need to know surely? He wants to watch porn, he’ll continue to watch it and that’s that no?

ElvenPowers · 15/01/2025 09:56

Hang on a minute though before we get into the LTB he is a cheat and liar. These things are important and there are plenty of very very abusive men described here on MN, and they are rightly shown the door.

This DH watches porn for his own masturbatory gratification, and folds it into his sex life as best he can to "get ready". Quite often people in long term relationships, for all sorts of reasons, don't share the deep core of what turns them on with their partner. Sexuality can be a tricky thing psychologically and sometimes shame and taboo are so interwoven with our libido that you literally can't imagine how you'd ever get off, if certain avenues of fantasy are denied to you. I think it would be very hard for anyone to realistically say "OK I will never do x again" if they thought x was a private harmless mainstream activity and it was at the heart of what turns them on. I couldn't do it, personally.

Many of us think filmed porn is exploitative and wrong. But you can think that, and at the same time realise that if your sexual tastes were founded in your teens and that stuff was there, it's very difficult to change if it's something you are drawn to watch.

If you don't have that experience, you are lucky in a way. I once did a sexuality course where they tried to reconnect us with our bodies and the exercise to "masturbate without fantasy" made me feel quite nauseous and not at all sexy. It's all hard work reprogramming yourself sexually.

So OP might have a DH who she thinks needs "reprogramming" but it sounds like their sex life isn't at the stage where they can both talk deeply about what turns them on, confront the barriers to intimacy, embrace the most shameful bits together and get their own sex life to amazing new heights. And maybe they don't even want to! Maybe they are doing the best they can in a busy life with kids and work and stuff.

Sounds to me like OP wants their sex life to be magically how she would like it (no porn for him) but has not considered the function it serves for him and why he might feel it's easier to lie about it than open up that huge can of worms.

The colleague in the hotel room - a different matter - he may be having sex or flirting with others and that's something to investigate and work on. If he has done this then it needs a much more root and branch look at the relationship and whether he is willing to overcome a deceptive nature and whether OP actually wants him back or not.

So tl;dr- sex issues are nuanced and deeply personal and going "stop doing x" is not the way to improve your marriage.

404ErrorCode · 15/01/2025 10:00

A few years ago he also lied to me about sleeping in a hotel room with a female colleague, even though ‘nothing happened’.

Yeah, right nothing happened. The porn issue is dwarfed by this act above.

You are allowed for porn to be a deal breaker for you also. He either needs to respect your boundaries, or be honest about his usage of it so you can decide.

This guy sounds very deceptive