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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you block him at this stage?

66 replies

Bricks30 · 14/01/2025 05:10

Me and my boyfriend live separately. Always have because he can't seem to sort his life out. When we first met he was working. Then he came out of work with back pain. For various reasons he didn't attend his appointments but the main reason was he couldn't prioritise his money onto the right things and couldn't afford the trains etc. Rather than communicate with the Dr's he just didn't show up and after 3 attempts they gave up. Since then he's not worked. He ended up moving into a flat and it's in the middle of town center. He's got deeper and deeper into his mental health issues. He's got friendly with loads of wasters who smoke pot or worse. He has any Tom dick and Harry around his flat and the behaviour has just spiralled.

He came to me a few months back in tears asking for my love and support to turn his life around. But honestly he's doing the care minimum to help himself and as awful as it sounds when I see him all he can think about or talk about is himself. I feel myself tensing up and rolling my eyes at him grumbling about the world and how nothing is fair on him. He never ever asks me how I am. But if I am ever honest and say I'm down. I've had no adult company. I'm working. Raising my children. Cleaning my house. I'm tired. I'm invisible to him. He can't even force himself to show any empathy. I spoke about my work collegeue the other day. She's 34 and has 2 years maximum to live. But she comes into work and tries. He quickly reverted the subject back to him before I had even finishing speaking about how amazingly brave she was and how bluddy sad I was for her.

He has purchased a pet recently and now he's losing his flat. Yesterday I was upset and tried to tell him his wishy washy contact was upsetting me. He told me he had no credit left to message on Sunday night. 6.45am Monday morning he text me. I said I thought you had no credit. He said it suddenly started sending messages about an hour after. So I asked why he didn't let me know then if he was able to text others. Then he simply didn't bother with me yesterday. I called him at lunch and he saw "someone" he wanted to talk to and asked me to call him back. When I did he was walking his puppy near the river with no lead and had no interest in talking again. I hung up when he said he wanted leaving alone until later. He then never contacted me again. I messaged at 5pm asking him to discuss the relationship. He didn't message back. I called at 6pm and 7pm. No response.

It's now the next day. Nothing! Do I just block him as he's showing he has no interest in how I feel?

OP posts:
AlloftheTime · 14/01/2025 05:16

Yes

this immature and self centred person is not someone to invest time or emotions in. You sound like you have got your life together and you are better off treading your own path without his negativity.

he does not contribute anything to you and deserve better. Good luck

Bricks30 · 14/01/2025 05:25

I've felt sorry for him in stages but it feels like so much of it is a choice. If he gets money he get intoxicated in one way or another. But his money is always gone way before the month ends. He never buys food. Then he does this thing where he whines and complains he's hungry and its not fair on nobody else.

I'm a health care assistant. I'm up now ready for my shift at 6.30am until 2.00pm. It angers me that I'm so unimportant to him. He doesn't care. He won't even know I've got a shift today because he doesn't ask. He looses track and shows no interest. I dont understand him. But he's 50 and I'm 36. I think it's just a waste of my time. I deserve so much more. He even complains in recent months I go out and do stuff with other people. Yet for 3 years I waited so patiently and put things on hold waiting for him. I know he's in alot of pain. But he can walk around town to go to get what he wants! But he's never ever came with me on one of my favourite walks in a national trust property near us. He wonders why after all this time I've given up when for so long I couldn't work out why we couldn't even go for a nice walk. Now he is grumbling we don't do anything. Yet he never brings money or a way to get from a to b. If I made plans with him and booked in advance I'd fully be at risk of him not going or falling out with me to avoid it.

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 14/01/2025 05:32

Block. You deserve more.

AlloftheTime · 14/01/2025 05:32

Value yourself.
he doesn’t care and you accepting the very little he gives you means he thinks it’s okay. If you work in a health/care setting you know the difference it can make when people actively seek help and change for themselves.

don’t end up caring for this person who will never appreciate you.
you sound a lovely person, someone making a positive difference in the world. Spend a little time outside of a relationship and learn your worth.

daisychain01 · 14/01/2025 05:34

But he's 50 and I'm 36. I think it's just a waste of my time. I deserve so much more

he's a washed up has-been, sorry. Dump and run.

you've already wasted 3 years of your young life on someone who is clearly happy to waste his life. He doesn't sound like he's ever grown up.

daisychain01 · 14/01/2025 05:37

Rather than communicate with the Dr's he just didn't show up and after 3 attempts they gave up.

this is a very disrespectful way to behave towards HCPs.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 14/01/2025 05:37

He really does not care about you.

I'm surprised you've stuck at this for so long already.

Block. Absolutely block. He is a drain and is not trying in any aspect of his life.

category12 · 14/01/2025 05:40

It is completely a waste of your time, energy, money.

Take this as your opportunity to get the hell out.

Christl78 · 14/01/2025 05:46

My God girl. Do some work with yourself to understand why you are staying in this “relationship”. I think you have serious co-dependency issues.

Bricks30 · 14/01/2025 05:48

Thank you. I feel so angry towards him. Very noticed him ramping up the jealousy and the snide remarks in recent weeks. I feel so unimportant to him. His flat his grotty and run down. He has no furniture etc. When he comes to my house he will try make out he's some hero because he will take my rubbish bags out and if the worktop has some bits on he will put it in the cupboards and hoover up then tell me I'm a messy cow. He will ask sometimes on days off what I'm up to. 9/10 I will say just doing some jobs at home this morning then xyz. He always says. I tidied up for you yesterday or he will say you don't ever tidy up.
I pointed out to him the other day this makes me feel small and incapable (stems back to My mum who has always reminded me about My messy bedroom at 15!) He tells me it's banter and a joke and I take it to heart. But it isn't funny. Sometimes I would like him to say its hard when kids are little there's always something that needs doing. But he actually says his kids would never have messed the sofa up etc.
I don't live like a pig at all. My house is tidy all the way through today its just say to day mess that I catch up on.

Sorry I'm ranting.

OP posts:
Bricks30 · 14/01/2025 05:49

Christl78 · 14/01/2025 05:46

My God girl. Do some work with yourself to understand why you are staying in this “relationship”. I think you have serious co-dependency issues.

I am not dependant on nobody I live alone and take care of myself. That would imply I need his help. I have tried to be patient with him and now I see he's never going to change. It's not his back. It's his attitude to life.

OP posts:
Christl78 · 14/01/2025 05:59

Bricks30 · 14/01/2025 05:49

I am not dependant on nobody I live alone and take care of myself. That would imply I need his help. I have tried to be patient with him and now I see he's never going to change. It's not his back. It's his attitude to life.

Not dependent. Co-dependent. Do some reading on “co-dependency”. Why do you choose this man for yourself? Why do you choose to be treated like this? Honestly, you have been for 3 years with a man who is 14 years older than you and offers you absolutely nothing. This shows low self-esteem on your side and yes, loss of identity. Split and get some therapy because , If you have co-dependency issues, chances are that the next man will also be similat to him. You are attracted to problematic men because you carry deep childhood trauma and somehow you gain your identity from taking care and helping them. Make no mistake. This man didn’t walk into your life. You chose him. Ask yourself why.

category12 · 14/01/2025 06:03

Co-dependence isn't that, it means the mental/emotional link between you, him as addict and you as supporter/enabler. Have a Google and see what fits.

Please do cut him loose, this relationship doesn't seem to bring anything positive to your life and he's got the nerve to shoot you down all the time.

If you were free of him, you could focus on your kids and job, and making sure you're match-fit to date someone decent.

Bricks30 · 14/01/2025 06:04

It's been 4 and a half years. I didnt realise alot for ages. He hid alot. But he's struggling to hide things now because of his new friendships. I will read up on it though

OP posts:
Christl78 · 14/01/2025 06:10

category12 · 14/01/2025 06:03

Co-dependence isn't that, it means the mental/emotional link between you, him as addict and you as supporter/enabler. Have a Google and see what fits.

Please do cut him loose, this relationship doesn't seem to bring anything positive to your life and he's got the nerve to shoot you down all the time.

If you were free of him, you could focus on your kids and job, and making sure you're match-fit to date someone decent.

And that. Being with an addict and very often dropping your needs, lose sense of self and focusing on satisfying someone else’s needs. It is not only about addiction. Co-dependency is a real problem and stems from childhood trauma. Just like narcissism. The difference between the two is that the co-dependent turns against themselves, the narcissist against others. And usually, these two end up in a relationship. The co-dependendent finds their master/abuser, the narcissist their servant and unlimited narcissistic supply.

AgreeableDragon · 14/01/2025 06:16

Thank goodness you've seen him for what he is now.
Block him and move on. You deserve so much better than him.

Huckyfell · 14/01/2025 06:21

You've got children, he's smoking pot and hanging round with that sort of crowd, he doesn't work...
Give your kids a chance, block and leave well alone. It'll be small pain for much gain🤗

lonelynewname · 14/01/2025 06:22

If you were my friend I would ask you “what are you doing?!?!”

Remove this person from your life.

JustCuttinAboot · 14/01/2025 06:24

Yes.

you and your children should have nothing to do with him.

block and move on.

Ohshutupsimonyoutwat · 14/01/2025 06:31

He sounds like a total loser. How you could even find him attractive and partner material is beyond me. Block and never ever look back, you deserve so much better.

Bricks30 · 14/01/2025 06:45

I'm permanently stressed by him. How do I detach?

OP posts:
Huckyfell · 14/01/2025 06:50

Bricks30 · 14/01/2025 06:45

I'm permanently stressed by him. How do I detach?

Can you not have a weekend away, or stay with family? Bring some true friends closer, you'll have support somewhere i hope?

Maray1967 · 14/01/2025 06:52

Just message him that it’s over. Tell him he needs to take some responsibility for his own life. I would have dumped him the minute he started spending time with drug users.

Bricks30 · 14/01/2025 06:59

Huckyfell · 14/01/2025 06:50

Can you not have a weekend away, or stay with family? Bring some true friends closer, you'll have support somewhere i hope?

I don't know I could so something this Saturday with my daughter potentially. But I have whitby booked in april. My friends are all loved up and won't wanna spend the weekend with me lol

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 14/01/2025 06:59

You are not responsible for this man. You're not in a relationship with him either. He comes to you when he wants something. He doesn't work, hasn't bothered to seek help regarding his back, can't prioritise his finances, hangs out with deadbeats, probably taking drugs, self-centred, wallowing in self-pity and isn't really interested in you at all. He has zero going for him and isn't bringing anything to the table to enhance your life. I would cut contact and block him. Find yourself a decent man, who's values align with yours and wants to be with you.