Jekyll and Hyde DH

[Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore]

Most of the time I get 'good' DH. Interesting, funny, good with DCs.

But sometimes 'bad' DH turns up. And I have no idea what will trigger him. He's never violent. He just overreacts to the smallest things.

He shouts and swears - but it's the tone and mood that's worst, and somehow it's my fault - whatever it is. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

Funny thing is it’s never outside of the home... Friends and people at work only see good, reasonable DH.

Last Saturday we had bad DH - not the worst time but it led to a big heart to heart on Sunday where he accepted how difficult he could be and suggested talking to someone about his anger issues.

I think what's got to me is he did that before - when it first happened 20 years ago. And we had couple counselling a few years ago too. So how will it change anything this time? (He's not talked about it again though - just about doing some 'breathing exercises'...)

I don't know if this is making any sense. I'm so tired. I have felt terrible all week - can't sleep and finding it hard to function. He's been behaving like it never happened.

I've been here before, so many times. Last week was a really small example. I think it's because it showed me it won't ever end.

DCs have important exams this year and next. It would be so disruptive if I did anything to break up our life. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends - they've heard it so many times before.

Sorry, this is long and rambling. And maybe I am at fault - he thinks I overreact, and I do close off because I don't know when he's going to be horrible. I just don't know what to do.

It's not long and rambling. This is someone's perfectly describing an abusive relationship and the cognitive dissonance which accompanies it.
He sounds horrible. I'd bet the "nice" DH isn't even actually that nice, just looks and feels great in contrast to his horrible behaviour.
I'd be looking to leave him.

“good with the DCs”?

you have a low benchmark op. sadly for your children

Oh hell, op. This is very familiar to me.

And his behaviour has become your problem and your dc's problem.

Ime, it never gets better. And he can control it because nobody outside the home sees it. He only behaves this way when he thinks he can get away with it.

It will get worse. And although you feel powerless now, you can get out. It perhaps sounds like an ott reaction but every one of these moods of his tests the boundaries to see what he can get away with.

How dare he behave like this?

And it's also classic abuser to act as if nothing had happened.

So how about you take the first half of this year to plan and prepare?

Get your dcs through their important exam year and then you get you and them out of the abusive situation?

Imagine being your dc and having absolutely no choice about living with this horrible man.

Namechanged to reply OP.
I really sympathise. My DH is like this. The outside world thinks he is a sweet, generous, funny, warm-hearted man. He was this way when we got together, many years ago now. And he can still be that way, sometimes. I would put up with occasional grumpiness, the odd outburst of temper that seemed disproportionate. Put all behaviour like this down to life’s stresses. Felt the good outweighed the bad.

Long story short, it’s only got worse over the years. I wish I’d left sooner - unfortunately I also have DC doing important exams so I am biding time for now and getting myself into a better place financially.

Sometimes I wonder what all his colleagues , our friends, his parents would think if they could hear how he talks to me. I know they when we eventually do split, I will be ‘blamed’ - not that it matters.

I just keep thinking how a don’t want to be an old lady being shouted and sworn at, and keep thinking how I’d feel if my daughter was in a relationship like this.

Sorry to read this OP.

You are describing my dad. The whole family used to tread on egg shells and we were scared of him. As a kid I wanted and hoped for my mum to leave him and for us to be free of him. My mum was anxious and fearful and it was awful.

You have my sympathy but only you can do what's needed to be away from him.

My father was/is like this. Thought it was normal and tolerated a lot from ex partners. Its only when one turned violent and my friends helped me see reason did I realise the toxicity I grew up watching (even though he never beat my mum just anger issues slamming and swearing) desensitised me and lowered my standards. I went through many years of abusive partners and took a lot of work to see that it is not normal. I feel like even though he wasn't physically abusive nor directing the insults at my mother often, it opened the door to allow similar behaviour which then escalated and once I was in there it was hard to get out.

If you're staying with that poor excuse of a human, at least talk to your children and make sure they know that behaviour is not acceptable and that you're weak and staying with him for stability or financial or whatever else it is. Encourage them to be financially stable so that they never end up being you. Encourage them to seek out good people for their futures and that behaving like their father is not acceptable either. Basically talk to your kids about morals and emotional regulation. Take them therapy. Make sure they don't end up being like your husband or being with someone like your husband/worse than your husband. So they're not blind to that behaviour and accepting of it, because what can start like your husbands behaviour can move onto more serious. They shouldn't allow any. I hope that spells it out for you.

Ask yourself which he really is? Is he nice DH who occasionally becomes bad - or is he actually bad DH who puts on a ‘good’ mask most of the time, letting it slip occasionally to show the real bad DH underneath?

If it’s the latter, then it sounds like he’s a narcissist. What you wrote reminded me of my ex - lovely man, kind, helpful, etc - except I gradually worked out he wasn’t. Everything was an act, nothing about the niceness was real. Like you, I walked on eggshells, pacifying him, dealing with his moods and outbursts, gradually becoming less of the person I actually am.

Ex went to anger management, but, IMO, it just taught him to hide it better, which was very disconcerting.

In your position, I’d try to judge what he’s really like. Think about how he treats his friends (ie is he over-nice, lovebombing them), think about his relationship with his parents (was he spoilt, how does he treat them?), think about his opinion of himself.

Don’t rule out kicking him out. Decide on a plan of action and a timescale and stick to it. I’d also seek advice from Women’s Aid.

Don't wait to leave him. Your children are being damaged every time he does what he does. It will be a relief to everyone to no longer be subjected to his abusive behavior.

Read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. Free PDF online.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Its over bar the divorce process and post divorce he will remain abusive too.

ALL your words are those that an abused women writes.

He was the self same 20 years ago (did your own father behave similarly?) and sadly you went onto marry your abuser and have children by him. The only good to have come out of all this are the children.

There is never any one good time to leave and there will be always some occasion or another. Do not stay with him however, because of fear of disrupting the kids lives or for some exams (that can be retaken anyway). Studying for exams should ideally be done in both a calm and emotionally safe environment; what they have currently is neither. Their lives are already being disrupted by their dad's abusive relationship to you as their mum. They can and do pick up on all the vibes here; both spoken and unspoken,

What do you want to teach these children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is NO model to be showing them and your reasons for staying currently do not stack up when scrutinised.

Do not delay unduly and plan your exit now with due care and attention. get support from both Womens Aid and a local firm of Solicitors. DO not delay things another year or two because that just gives your abuser another 1-2 years in which to abuse you, and in turn your kids.

you are your children’s advocate op
please start advocating for them

DCs have important exams this year and next. It would be so disruptive if I did anything to break up our life.

OP, please come on.

Stress can cause people to act badly and lose their temper.

However, your husband is capable of controlling his as you say - 'never outside of the home'!

That makes me think he knows exactly what he is doing.

I couldn't live with someone like that and wouldn't have wanted my children to have grown up with him in the house.

It's up to you whether you will continue to accept this as your lot. I couldn't.

It's not your fault he has decided to embark on his own private based war against you but you have a choice re this man and your kids do not. Make better choices now for both you and they.

He does not have an anger management problem because he can and does control himself in the outside world. To an abuser the image presented to the outside world is of paramount importance and also serves to isolate his target further.

He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his abusive behaviour.

Abuse is also not a relationship problem, it's about power and control and he wants absolute over you. Joint counselling was always a non starter here because you were never safe enough to do this with him. It is not recommended either where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Also you likely co-operated in such sessions; the abuser never co-operates.

AM courses and the like are also no answer to abuse either and that is why they are not effective. Such can also teach these men how to further abuse their target.

I know I have to find the strength to act. Honestly - over the last 20 years he has had a lot of good times.

For a long time I thought I was at fault, so kept trying to fix things, not make it worse (when he was in a mood).

Oldest DC asked me if I was ok after last week. I hope I've done enough to show them what's unacceptable but I do worry I haven't.

i am afraid that you have not done enough to show them what’s acceptable op
because you have endured this for your marriage so this will be their benchmark for marriage unless you show them with your actions - that it is not

This was my ex dp, and I couldn't see it was abuse until we split up. The kids will notice too. You really don't want them thinking that it's a healthy relationship.

My exH was like this, it was soul destroying. I used to often say he was like Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. He used to provoke arguments and patronise me, swear and shout and then be perfectly nice the next day and not acknowledge what had happened.

Not all men are like this. My now DH has never been this way in our almost 13 years together.

I don't know what to suggest. My only solution was to eventually leave.

How did you respond to your DC asking you if you are ok or not?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Think about that and what your children are learning from you both now.

You have a choice re this man even now and they do not. Make better choices than the frankly poor ones you have made to date.

I would also think that the so called good times were really not and are certainly fewer and further in between. Please do not continue to show them such a poor relationship model because they are at high risk of copying it and becoming abused also in their relationships. Show them properly that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Were you very young (say late teens, early 20s) when he met you?.

I agree.

Get out now. Kids notice everything

Me too (although my dad was also sometimes violent but the screaming and shouting was just as abusive). My mother’s refusal to leave him and enable us to be somewhere safe also destroyed my relationship with her too eventually. It’s also really affected my adult life.
OP - do not stay for your kids’ exams. This man is abusing you and he is abusing your kids too. See a solicitor and get out as soon as you can. Also plan for him to turn really nasty when you do that so you will need somewhere safe to go and legal support in case you need an injunction etc. But the important message is just get out now!

So he can control his anger outside the home but weirdly he can’t control it at home? Hmmmmm maybe he’s just abusive then. Horrible for you and the kids.

I'm going to throw a slightly different angle on this. My husband was like this, and I trod on eggshells. He was mostly wonderful, unselfish, good natured, but would have episodes of anger. There were other things at home, but to the outside world he was lovely.
The anger episodes were still there, but I noticed he was depressed sometimes, but absolutely fine others. When depressed, he would say he felt unwell, so there were 'reasons' that he was absent to the outside world. Eventually he admitted he was struggling, and got diagnosed with depression. Unfortunately he was given Prozac, which exacerbated the underlying bipolar that it took another 5 years for me to realise he had, and another 5 years to be diagnosed.
He's on treatment now, and there are no anger issues anymore. Maybe it's worth talking to your husband and asking if he's coping, and if he has any other symptoms, before assuming he's abusive