Jekyll and Hyde DH

[Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore]

Most of the time I get 'good' DH. Interesting, funny, good with DCs.

But sometimes 'bad' DH turns up. And I have no idea what will trigger him. He's never violent. He just overreacts to the smallest things.

He shouts and swears - but it's the tone and mood that's worst, and somehow it's my fault - whatever it is. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

Funny thing is it’s never outside of the home... Friends and people at work only see good, reasonable DH.

Last Saturday we had bad DH - not the worst time but it led to a big heart to heart on Sunday where he accepted how difficult he could be and suggested talking to someone about his anger issues.

I think what's got to me is he did that before - when it first happened 20 years ago. And we had couple counselling a few years ago too. So how will it change anything this time? (He's not talked about it again though - just about doing some 'breathing exercises'...)

I don't know if this is making any sense. I'm so tired. I have felt terrible all week - can't sleep and finding it hard to function. He's been behaving like it never happened.

I've been here before, so many times. Last week was a really small example. I think it's because it showed me it won't ever end.

DCs have important exams this year and next. It would be so disruptive if I did anything to break up our life. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends - they've heard it so many times before.

Sorry, this is long and rambling. And maybe I am at fault - he thinks I overreact, and I do close off because I don't know when he's going to be horrible. I just don't know what to do.

Yes It can make you feel like you are going mad. DH denies saying certain stuff or says I’m punishing him and being horrible to him as I can’t move past the stuff he’s done and said. Please leave if you can. Try and put together a plan. I’ve been speaking to Women’s Aid and putting money to one side. I never had a plan in place before and I spent so many years feeling afraid and trapped. Hopefully 2025 will be my year to finally break free. You can do it too. It never gets better. Can you see yourself still with him after the kids have grown up? Growing old with him? If that fills you with dread (it did me) then please make a plan to leave Xx

Good for you, so glad to hear you're getting ready to make the move. Best of luck.

The claim to find it confusing is the one that I find hard to comprehend.

What's confusing about it?
Sometimes he behaves like a normal person, other times he is a raving angry lunatic terrorising his family.

Do murders walk around murdering people every day?
Do rapists rape people every day?

No they don't,....... that doesn't make them any less of a murderer or a rapist.

Either way the children are the real victims that live with the consequences of their mothers confusion.

My mother chose the trappings of middle class privilege and comfort ahead of her children.

She never quite understood why they no longer visited the family home, never returned from university and moved away.
She came from a lovely family as did my father, but they chose to remain unhappily married for decades.

Neither of them were mourned by their children when they past.
That is their legacy.
Four children indifferent to their passing.

OP, I can really identify with your description of your DH. Unfortunately, my DF was like this and I chose to repeat the pattern with my LTP. It doesn't get any better but will chip away at your self esteem and happiness. Thankfully, for me, things reached a head couple of months ago and the put downs and insults I received gave me the energy to finally say "Enough" and i finally initiated a separation. Now, I'm horrified that my bar was set so low that I put up with it for so long. I dread to think of the messages that DC have received - but I'm hoping it's not too late to change this - by my actions going forward. Even though i'm currently in the midst of messy separation, the fear and pit in my tummy that something was 'wrong' has evaporated, i'm sleeping better etc. I'm somewhat worried about finances going forward, but i anticipate reclaiming some mojo and joy back in life. And my DC completely see what he's like - and I think wonder how i've put up with it for so long tbh.
Good luck OP x

Thank you. I’ve actually had to be extreme in my actions in order to escape. It’s weird, like leading a double life as everything I’ve done DH has no idea, it’s a weird feeling but will be worth it in the end.

When it’s just you being told that it wasn't an overreaction or when DC HAS done something annoying it is really hard to see it differently.

I'm not saying anyone on here is wrong - about what I should do or how to read his behaviour - but when you're in it, it's hard.

Obviously if he read this he'd say it was completely exaggerated.

@OneLuckyHare I meant that it's my version of events versus his. If he's telling me I'm overreacting there's no one there to tell me I'm not. Maybe if any of you were there you'd say the same as him. You've only had my side after all.

Most of me doesn't think that's true, but enough does that I doubt myself.

But if you are routinely doubting yourself like this - that is part of the whole toxic dynamic OP. I sympathise, I know how it messes with your head. You are looking to DH for validation of your viewpoint and not getting it. This how sites such as MN are so valuable as you can see others in similar scenarios and it can provide validation of your gut feelings that you are NOT overreacting, that you are being mistreated/ disrespected etc. Your DH is not the boss of right and wrong, you need to find your power and have faith in your own perceptions and boundaries.

I don't think that is fair.
My father was like OP's husband. I realised when I was 19 or 20 that I would sooner never have anyone than endure what my DM had to live with.

For a woman caught up in a coercive marriage, it is incredibly hard to get out. I saw it with my DM - confidence shattered, anxious about what he'd do if she left etc.

OP, I second the recommendation upthread to read Lundy Bancroft and get the hell out. If your DC feel a tenth of what I felt about the situation I grew up in, they will thank you.

Does it matter what he thinks?

You know what you have heard, seen, felt. So do your dcs. Do not doubt yourself.

Abusers will never admit what they do.

Mine screamed abuse in my face for three hours, then pulled me to the ground and twisted my head until I couldn't breathe and my sight went black. He says he can't remember doing this. Or calling me a fat useless cunt, smashing up my phone and cutting up my bank card. These are just a few examples.

And yes, he started out fine at the beginning. Then slowly slowly the abuse started and escalated. And yet he acts all surprised and innocent. And then tried to blame me.

It never gets better. It always gets worse.

You should have zero abuse in your life. Zero. And here you are, saying it only happens a bit. Do not doubt yourself. Your dcs will at best pity you and at worst loathe you for not doing anything.

I have been there. It's so hard but it's far far better than the alternative.

I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you @SugarPlumpFairyCakes That's terrible.

I have never had anything like that. If we split he might get worse - but for 20 years it's always been the moods and unpredictable reactions.

For those saying why not get out earlier- the first time was after a really stressful time and he was genuinely sorry. The worst period was just before Covid - and he really stepped up and everything was better.

I've tried to be open with DCs but not involve them too much.

If you split you will not be around him all the time like you are all now. He certainly will remain just as abusive towards you on separation and divorce because he will further seek to "punish" you. He may well demand 50/50 but that is but a starting point.

He's never been sorry and he has also shown you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse your entire relationship. This relationship was over the first time he abused you but unless you decide for yourself that enough is indeed enough re your H this will continue with yet another generation i.e your children being affected.

Your children have to follow your lead, they have no choice. They also have picked up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between you and he.

You cannot stay also because of the kids having exams coming up either. That is a particularly poor reason to stay with him and you forget that exams can be retaken. And given the toxic atmosphere present in your home they may not perform to the best of their abilities either. Its certainly not a calm and peaceful home condusive to revising.

@glittereye identical here too -

“ ain’t nobody got time for that ! “

Coming back just to say I have at least managed not to buy into his 'we're all back to normal' behaviour - which I have done so many times before.

Weekdays are ok - but weekends have been grim... Silent walks and awkwardness. I know he doesn't understand why his 'normal behaviour' isn't enough.

Thought there was a breakthrough yesterday when he said he might actually speak to someone after all. But then he said I was making it all about him.

Well yes mate, I am.

Thank you for the update, but what is your plan now?

I'm afraid I can only reiterate my initial advice:

Don't wait to leave him. Your children are being damaged every time he does what he does. It will be a relief to everyone to no longer be subjected to his abusive behavior.
Read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. Free PDF online

Do at least read Dr Bancroft's book.

Why would a good husband and father choose to stay with a delusional wife? Why do you argue this absurd point that you are “exaggerating “ when you correctly describe his erratic behavior. Its just accurate to describe his behavior as sometimes good and sometimes bad. That’s the fact. The supposed good times may dilute the bad, in your mind, but they don’t ameliorate it. If you eat off the good china for years without a problem but every now and then your dh smashes a piece to bits you will, in the end, have no china to eat off. Whether he says it was an accident or an exaggeration the broken bits can’t function as plates anymore.

It's a fair point @Semiramide But for me it's progress that I'm standing my ground (anyone who's been in a similar situation will understand it's a hard mind shift) and working out how to get my financial ducks in a row.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Keep making baby steps forwards here. Read Lundy Bancroft's book. It is hard when you're in it and he has given you spaghetti head but there is always a way out.

Words are cheap OP; look at his actions. He has NO intention of talking to anyone about his abusive behaviour towards you. Abuse thrives on secrecy and he wants to keep his outsiders image of he being a "good family man" intact. One or two of your social circle likely have their own private based suspicions about him though.

In the meantime the nice/nasty cycle of abuse he shows you and in turn the DC continues unabated. It's certainly affected you because he's beaten you down almost into complete submission and in turn your kids see and hear far more than either of you care to realise. They are learning an awful lot of damaging lessons about relationships.

Such men like yours OP too hate women, ALL of them.