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Original poster

Just broken up

52 replies

WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 10:10

Just broken up after two years together. He is a wonderful man and whenever I was with him I had the best time. I have no doubt at all that he loved me completely; he would have done anything for me and he made me feel secure, loved and special, it wasn't just words.

I have a busy life with a lot of commitments and hobbies that I enjoy, I have two grown up sons and two grandchildren, I have animals and elderly parents and, as he didn't live close, every time I saw him I sacrificed some time doing something or with people I loved.

I felt like I was losing me, and although I know I will never be loved that way again, I had to do it. I've been thinking it for a while and yesterday I just had to say something.

He hasn't been in touch at all, which is of course his prerogative.

I don't think I've done the wrong thing, but I don't have anyone to talk to about it just now and I would really appreciate hearing the thoughts of others x

OP posts:
CharSiu · 11/01/2025 10:30

I have known many women sacrifice their lives to family, there are no medals unfortunatley for being nice.

Did you have to always travel to him or could you not have combined some stuff or is your life all very compartmentalised.

Decent men are like needles in haystacks, I would have tried to find a way to make it work. Though your comment about losing me what do you mean exactly?

Original poster
WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 10:36

I felt like a hamster on a wheel, I was always rushing everywhere and everything.

We did alternate travelling, but everything needed some organising on my part - if I was there then I had to make arrangements for my animals and my parents and if he was here I couldn't do anything I wanted to.

Just relaxing and spending time on my own, enjoying walks by myself or reading. Every minute was accounted for, I had no time. My relationship was the only thing that could give.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 10:36

Any my life is very compartmentalised, that's the way I like it.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 11/01/2025 10:43

It sounds like you just don't have room for h1im in your life and begrudge the time you sandpit with I'm as you would rather be doing other things. I genuinely don't understand why you are surprised he has backed off. What would you like to have happened.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 11/01/2025 10:45

It sounds like, as lovely as he was, you valued your single life more than spending time with him. Due to the distance, there was never going to be the balance between relationship and life you wanted. And that's OK. It's OK to say this is not working for me.

martinisforeveryone · 11/01/2025 10:48

@WhatonearthwasIthinking if he got any inkling of what you've said here, I'm not at all surprised he's not been in touch.

Lots of people have extremely busy lives with lots of commitments, but make a relationship work too.

every time I saw him I sacrificed some time doing something or with people I loved

if he was here I couldn't do anything I wanted to

relaxing and spending time on my own, enjoying walks by myself or reading

It doesn't sound like he was ever a priority for you or that you made a space for him in your life if you prefer to be on your own to read and walk as opposed to spending time walking or reading with him.

He is a wonderful man and whenever I was with him I had the best time. I have no doubt at all that he loved me completely; he would have done anything for me and he made me feel secure, loved and special, it wasn't just words

I'm not sure how that stacks up to be honest. It sounds like you made a very considered decision and you'll both move on from the relationship quickly.

Channellingsophistication · 11/01/2025 10:52

I think it’s natural to question your decision as we always do with all major decisions. But the fact is you felt strongly enough to break up with him so therefore you have done the right thing. You’re probably just feeling this way because he wasn’t horrible!

Original poster
WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 10:53

Viviennemary · 11/01/2025 10:43

It sounds like you just don't have room for h1im in your life and begrudge the time you sandpit with I'm as you would rather be doing other things. I genuinely don't understand why you are surprised he has backed off. What would you like to have happened.

I'm not surprised at all, I understand and respect it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 10:55

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 11/01/2025 10:45

It sounds like, as lovely as he was, you valued your single life more than spending time with him. Due to the distance, there was never going to be the balance between relationship and life you wanted. And that's OK. It's OK to say this is not working for me.

Yes, it's exactly that. Thank you for telling me it's okay to feel this way, that's what I need because I feel so guilty for hurting such a wonderful man.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 10:58

@martinisforeveryone that's right - he wasn't a priority for me but I was for him. I did have a wonderful time with him when we were together, but I had equally wonderful times when we weren't together. I gave 100% of what I had available to him, but it wasn't 100% of what I have, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Nothatgingerpirate · 11/01/2025 11:01

@CharSiu Exactly and exactly.
👍
Never sacrificed myself for a family, had clarity regarding that since 13 yo.
Found a decent husband.

Original poster
WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 11:22

@Nothatgingerpirate It's not a sacrifice though - it's doing things I want to do. If anything I'm being selfish.

OP posts:
Nothatgingerpirate · 11/01/2025 11:33

Be selfish.
It's your life. 👍

CleverAquaCrab · 11/01/2025 11:42

Hi, I could be you but in my case I did move to live with my partner after 3 years of a long distance relationship. 6 months later I want to break things off and move back home, nearer my children and grandchildren. Up until we moved in together he was the perfect partner. It soon became apparent he was jealous of my involvement in my family’s lives and he ruined Christmas, sat there with a face like thunder, not speaking. I saw the true person then. So maybe he wasn’t the perfect guy after all? He could have moved to be nearer you! I also said to my partner recently that I felt that I was losing myself and feel I’m now treading on eggshells around him. Amazing how he changed when we lived together! This was my first relationship after 20 years on my own, guess I suit the single life more or am I just poor at picking men? Never again!!!

Original poster
WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 11:51

@CleverAquaCrab never again here too, I know I suit the single life. I have male friends who help if I need anything done and provide a male perspective, I've gone off sex completely since the menopause so I'm done with men.

OP posts:
Fridaynightsaturdaymorning · 11/01/2025 12:21

If he’s as wonderful as you say, I’m sure he won’t be on the shelf for long, I wouldn’t worry about him. You’ve done him a favour to be free to match with someone who actively wants to prioritise him. Sounds like you’ll both be happier this way.

Your screen name would seem to suggest you have regrets?

A few contradictions in your posts, as another poster has also noted, it’s not very clear what you’re trying to express.

LostittoBostik · 11/01/2025 12:23

CharSiu · 11/01/2025 10:30

I have known many women sacrifice their lives to family, there are no medals unfortunatley for being nice.

Did you have to always travel to him or could you not have combined some stuff or is your life all very compartmentalised.

Decent men are like needles in haystacks, I would have tried to find a way to make it work. Though your comment about losing me what do you mean exactly?

I disagree with this. If the time spent with him felt like a sacrifice, a removal from the OP's true self, rather than a massive bonus and a wonderful addition to her life, then it wasn't the right relationship. Always trust your gut.

OP, you will be loved again - in a way that fits better in your life and the person you are. Well done for listening to what your inner self was telling you.

LostittoBostik · 11/01/2025 12:25

WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 11:22

@Nothatgingerpirate It's not a sacrifice though - it's doing things I want to do. If anything I'm being selfish.

It's not selfish to call time on the relationship rather than lead him on and not be available to him. You've done the right thing.

Original poster
WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 13:33

@Fridaynightsaturdaymorning He won't be happier, that's why I feel so bad. And my user name is an old one from a car purchase, nothing to do with this post.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 13:36

@LostittoBostik he was a wonderful addition to my life, but it came at a cost to the rest of my life. And that was the problem.

Being with him was fantastic but it didn't feel like real life; my real life suffered.

OP posts:
Fridaynightsaturdaymorning · 11/01/2025 13:38

WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 13:33

@Fridaynightsaturdaymorning He won't be happier, that's why I feel so bad. And my user name is an old one from a car purchase, nothing to do with this post.

How do you know that he will not be happier?

I had a similar situation and the guy had moved in his ex by the following month, I certainly didn’t see that one coming either!

changecandles · 11/01/2025 13:41

CleverAquaCrab · 11/01/2025 11:42

Hi, I could be you but in my case I did move to live with my partner after 3 years of a long distance relationship. 6 months later I want to break things off and move back home, nearer my children and grandchildren. Up until we moved in together he was the perfect partner. It soon became apparent he was jealous of my involvement in my family’s lives and he ruined Christmas, sat there with a face like thunder, not speaking. I saw the true person then. So maybe he wasn’t the perfect guy after all? He could have moved to be nearer you! I also said to my partner recently that I felt that I was losing myself and feel I’m now treading on eggshells around him. Amazing how he changed when we lived together! This was my first relationship after 20 years on my own, guess I suit the single life more or am I just poor at picking men? Never again!!!

So your perfect man turned out not to be so. That has no bearing on the man in this story. Why do you have to create a scenario where he is in some way the problem?

There is no problem. The OP is just too busy for a relationship. That's fine. You don't need to demonise the man to make it ok.

changecandles · 11/01/2025 13:43

@LostittoBostik

OP, you will be loved again - in a way that fits better in your life and the person you are. Well done for listening to what your inner self was telling you.
Or not. The OP has said she's done with men. Doesn't want physical intimacy ever again. Why do people think there has to be love in the future?

GoingOffScript · 11/01/2025 19:23

What was his situation? Kids/grandkids? Does he work? Are you EVERYTHING in his life?

Maybe, it was just a bit too much for you? Maybe, see less of each other but really enjoy the time you HAVE together. Why can’t he travel to you?

Original poster
WhatonearthwasIthinking · 11/01/2025 19:56

@GoingOffScript Yes, I was everything in his life. He moved a few years ago and we got together almost instantly so he didn't build a social network. He's retired so nothing there, just the gym really.

He does come to me, that's not the problem really - it's just too much for me. He wants more than I can give. Neither is wrong, we just want different things but it hurts because I do love him.

OP posts: